Triple the Love

Jack & Hank

Hank

According to Corey’s carefully organized date schedule, Jack and I were set to go on the first date. A date I hadn’t planned. A date I hadn’t asked for, and quite frankly, I wasn’t even sure I wanted this date. However, Corey, in his typical fashion, had taken the lead and set the whole thing up for us. And now here I was, driving to the vineyard, wondering what in the world I was about to walk into. It felt strange. Jack wasn’t someone I had ever thought about dating. We were friends, but the idea of something more had never even crossed my mind until Corey had dropped the poly relationship idea in my lap. And now I was on my way to have dinner with Jack — my first official date with him. When I arrived at the vineyard, I was surprised to find Jack waiting for me outside. His hands were shoved into his pockets, and he looked nervous. It was a side of him I wasn’t used to seeing. Jack was always the calm and collected one. Seeing him like this made me feel even more awkward than I already did.

“Hey,” Jack greeted me with a small smile as I walked up.

“Hey,” I replied as I tried to match his casual tone. Not that it mattered, I felt like I was way out of my depth. More so than I cared to admit. Jack led me inside the vineyard’s main building, and I followed until we arrived at one of the private dining rooms. I noticed that it wasn’t very big and that made it feel intimate with candles on a cozy table set for two. I wasn’t sure if I felt relieved that we’d have privacy or terrified that this setup made it feel more real than I was ready for. The dinner started rather awkwardly. We spent the first few minutes talking about the most basic topics. We talked about the weather. We talked about work and Jack even told me all up how the season was going. It was just small talk between two friends. Friends who were clearly trying to pretend that everything was normal. That this was normal. Yet, it just didn’t feel right. The prawn cocktail starter was light and delicious. I tried to relax, but my mind was spinning. I didn’t know how this was supposed to go. What was Corey expecting to happen on these dates with Jack? What was I expecting?

“So…” Jack suddenly said as the main course was set in front of us. A delicious-looking lobster and now he wanted to say something. Jack’s expression was hopeful and hesitant, which only made me feel even more nervous. “I know this is weird. For both of us…but I think maybe we should talk about how we can move forward. As a couple, I mean,” I paused, my fork with a piece of lobster halfway to my mouth. The word ‘couple’ made everything feel even more surreal. “I mean, I am open to trying,” Jack continued, and his voice was so calm it made my skin crawl. “We have always had a good connection, Hank…and I think if we give it a chance, maybe something could grow between us,” he was being sincere and that made it even harder for me to respond. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I didn’t want to lie to him either.

“Look, Jack,” I said as I set my fork down. It was sad that I wasn’t eating the delicious-smelling and looking lobster. Like, my mouth was literally watering to taste it. “I’m going to be honest…right? We just discussed rules and one of them was that we should always be honest,”

“Right,” Jack agreed.

“I am just not attracted to you. You are not my type. When I look at you, all I see is, Jack. My friend. My buddy. Nothing more,” Jack stared at me from across the table, and even though he didn’t say anything, his expression said it all. A flicker of pain. A quick flash of rejection. It was subtle, but I had seen it, and it made my stomach twist with guilt. However, Jack recovered quickly as he smiled and nodded.

“Sure, I get it. I wasn’t expecting you to suddenly feel the same way for me as you do for Corey,” Jack said as he turned his full attention to his food.

“I just don’t want to force something that just isn’t there,” I said softly. I felt as if I was wading through dangerous waters. “I just think we should just be friends,” Jack nodded, but he didn’t look up, and then he just started to eat. I did the same, but of course, the lobster just didn’t taste as good. I felt bad. Guilty even. The last thing I had wanted to do was upset Jack.

“Yeah…” he finally said as our plates were taken away. “Maybe that is for the best,” the conversation certainly lagged after that. The once awkward small talk now felt strained. As if we were just going through the motions just to get through the rest of the evening. Not even the dessert – a rich, creamy, chocolate cheesecake – could help us. We had suddenly become strangers and Jack seemed to withdraw even more. He stopped talking altogether and the silence between us grew heavier and heavier. I knew I had let him down, even though all I had done was been honest with him. Finally, when we were done with our dessert, I stood up to leave. I felt conflicted, but I had no idea what to say or do.

“Thank you, that was…nice,” I said. Jack looked up at me but all I could see was the sadness in his eyes. He smiled, but it was clearly forced. Any warmth that our friendship had provided before had all but disappeared.

“Sure,” he said before he stood up and looked away. “Have a safe drive home,” well, that was clearly obvious. He was done for the evening, but so was I. I left the vineyard and, while driving home, I couldn’t stop thinking about the evening. I had been relieved when Jack agreed we would remain friends — it felt like the right decision — but now, I wasn’t so sure. I hated that I had hurt him. I hated seeing him be so withdrawn. I hated that I had done that. Had I made the right choice? By the time I got home, a feeling of doubt had settled deep in my chest. I had agreed to try this poly relationship for Corey, but now I had to wonder if it was worth it. But the worst part was wondering if Jack would ever be able to look at me again and smile. That part really hurt me.