TRAPPED IN YOU (English)

Chapter 6

(Joy)

A shiver runs down my spine, as if James’ cruel and seductive voice is really whispering against my ear. He was roughly f*****g me against a bricked wall when he said that. I remembered how he didn’t care even when I bruised my back and bumped my head. His cruel eyes were filled with lust. I remembered that we were in a party for the fashion show that he directed. It was so strange since he was ignoring me the whole night. Our relationship was a secret, you see.

I was standing alone in a corner when a model approached me. We knew each other since he used to be Lizzy’s client. My best friend introduced him to me and we talked for a short time before. We talked in the party. We laughed together. He made that night tolerable for me.

We were laughing about something when I felt someone looking at me. When I looked around I saw James. My eyes met his intense angry glare. Our eye contact lasted only a few seconds before he turned his back on me and walked out of the venue. I followed him. We got a few meters away from the entrance before he grabbed my arm, dragged me to the side of the building and slammed me against the wall. It was dark and I can’t even see his face as he f****d me. He told me again and again that no one is allowed to touch me other than him.

From then on, every time we f**k he always says those words. Eventually my body automatically rejects other people, obeying James’ words. My body still obeys him even now when he already got tired of my body. Even now that he didn’t want me anymore.

How ironic that I never owned him the way he seemed to own me still.

My eyes stung until I can no longer stop the tears from falling. I turned my back on Dr. Martin but I know he already saw that I am crying. I bend my body into a ball, wanting to be as small as possible. “Leave me alone. Please,” she said in a hoarse weak voice.

But it seems like my new psychiatrist doesn’t follow a patient’s orders. He keeps standing close to my bed. I grab the blanket and covered myself. I cried even harder.

“You can’t stay like this forever,” he said after a few minutes. His voice is more soothing than before. “He is not going back even if you wallow in misery. Let me help you, Joy.”

For the first time since Dr. Martin appeared in my hospital room, I heard sincerity in his voice. Not pity like in Lizzy’s and Dr. Silva’s voices. Just pure sincerity.

I sobbed. Slowly, the tears stopped falling. But I didn’t move. I didn’t even attempt to get out of the blanket.

The doctor sighed. “Your food is arriving at any moment now. Eat so you get your energy back. I am hoping that tomorrow, you can finally get up alone. I hope that you can willingly accept the help I am offering you. It’s such a waste to give up on your life this early.”

Few minutes later I felt him moving away from my bed. Then I heard the door opening and closing again. Then I slowly lowered the blanket away from my face.

I am alone in my hospital room now.

I lay on my back and took a deep breath. Then I softly touched my arms. Dr. Martin only held me for a few seconds yet I felt like I was electrified. I was revolted. As if I should not let anyone touch me. I also got scared. There was a nagging thought that if he touches me he will know what kind of woman I became.

Will I be like this forever?

Something got stuck in my throat. I closed my eyes. Hot tears threaten to fall again. And just like before, I slept to get away from the pain.

FOR THE next days the psychiatrist became a constant visitor in my hospital room. But he no longer talk as much as he did the first time we met. He just sits near my bed to quietly look at me. Then he just makes sure I am eating properly.

It makes me wonder why Dr. Martin is like this. Aren’t psychiatrist supposed to be asking questions relentlessly? But this man is quiet. He just always watches me, silently analyzing me. To be honest the quiet is more uncomfortable than if we actually talk.

It was on the fourth day when I slowly noticed the effect of his daily visits to me. Because I can finally eat food without throwing up, I can finally get up and sit on my bed. Not like before that even attempting to get up made me dizzy.

Lizzy came back on the fifth day. She was happy when she saw me sitting with my back against the headboard of the bed. And when I ate the food she brought, she was exhilarated.

“So how is Dr. Martin as a doctor?” my best friend asked.

“He is not doing anything. He just comes here every day to sit on that chair.”

Lizzy’s brows furrowed. “Really? Oh, well, if I am his patient I can just stare at him everyday and I know I will feel better.” Then she grinned. “He’s very handsome, isn’t he?”

I shrugged. Maybe Dr. Martin is handsome. I don’t really pay attention to his face so I don’t have any opinion about the matter.

“You don’t find him handsome?” Lizzy asked in an amazed tone. “Those piercing eyes? The aristocratic nose? His kissable lips?”

I smiled bitterly. “I am not fond of handsome men. Lizzy, I’ve been so in love with a very beautiful man. Look where I am now? Thrown away like a rag that can no longer be used again no matter how I try to clean myself.”

Lizzy’s expression became serious. Guilt flashed in her eyes. She reached for my hand and squeezed at it. “I’m sorry. That was insensitive of me.”

I shook my head. I also want to apologize to her. I ruined her good mood today.

After a long silence, Lizzy talked again. “It’s not too late, Joy. You are not like a rag as you said. Yes, you might not go back to what you used to be. But you will become someone braver and stronger. You can become a better woman that you are before. Anything is still possible as long as you want to.”

I didn’t answer. She looked straight at me. I can see the determination in her eyes. “Listen to me, Joy. Please. Don’t let this be the end of you. Don’t allow James to ruin your life. You need help and there is someone willing to give that to you. I can’t help you but the doctor can. He will be able to help you cure your depression. Dr. Martin will help you overcome the trauma you suffered from your relationship with James. But aside from him, you must also help yourself. Please.”

Lizzy’s voice trembled. She cried. My heart ached. I feel bad that she is crying because of me. Is it not enough that I am miserable? Do I really have to let the person very important to me suffer too?

Is James going to return to me if I stay like this? Will something change?

Nothing.

I took a deep breath. “Okay,” I whispered.

“Okay? Really?” Lizzy looks happy.

I tried to smile and nodded.

“Oh, that’s great!” She hugged me. I let her be happy. But the truth is, I don’t believe that I will be okay. I’m already broken. Ruined. Even the greatest psychiatrist cannot save me anymore.

THE NEXT DAY, I was sitting with my back leaning on the headboard of the bed when Dr. Martin arrived. I was waiting for him. When our eyes met I knew he knew it. In fact, I am sure that even before I speak he already saw my decision from my expression.

He was a mind reader, my psychiatrist.

He walked towards me. I swallowed and looked up at him. “I want to go home.”

He slowly nodded. “If that is what you want.”

I closed my hands into fists. “Two months. That’s only how long I can take to be under whatever treatment you will do to me. After that, whether you think I am cured or not, we will stop. Promise me.”

Dr. Martin stopped walking. He looked at me with an inquisitive glint in his eyes. It made me uncomfortable but I didn’t look away. “You don’t believe that you can get better.”

I didn’t answer. He took a deep breath before nodding again. “Fine. Two months. I promise.”

I was relieved that he agreed. I didn’t think he will. “So, what are we going to do?”

He raised an eyebrow. “You want to do our first session already? Here?”

“Why not?”

Dr. Martin stared at me again. Obviously analyzing me. Then he nodded and sat in the chair. “First of all, I need to know everything about the relationship that made you this way. I will then decide our next step.”

I tensed. My hands got cold. Doesn’t he know that what he is asking me is the most difficult thing to do?

He knew. I can see the challenging glint in his eyes.

“How can I tell someone I don’t know all the things that happened? How can I tell you the details that I can’t even tell my best friend?” I asked before I can stop myself.

“That’s exactly the reason why it will be easy for you to tell me everything. I am a stranger to you. We don’t have a history. You don’t have an image that will be ruined in my eyes because I don’t know you. No matter what you tell me, I will never judge you,” Dr. Martin answered.

I realized that he is right. Those are the reasons why I can’t tell Lizzy everything that happened for the three months that I was in a relationship with James. I was afraid to be judged. I was afraid to see the disappointment in Lizzy’s eyes. I was afraid that she will realize that I am not the person she thought she knew.

“Joy, you need to trust me. Trust and honestly. These two are what I need you to give me so I can help you,” Dr. Martin added.

I took a deep breath. My lips quivered before I can finally talk. I told her about my unrequited feelings for James. I told him about the fashion show after party and the next instances when James and I met.