TRAPPED IN YOU (English)

(JOY) JAMES SALGADO was the most beautiful man I have ever met. He was tall, with a well-built body and a confident way of carrying himself. His hair is up to his nape, longer than normal and always messy as if he just gotten out of bed or as if a woman gripped his hair during s*x. He has a chiseled handsome face made for billboards, glossy magazines and fashion runways. But he chose to work behind the glittering world of the runway as a fashion show director. Sometimes he accepts modeling gigs at print ads but they were as rare as a blue moon. James is always seen wearing a faded jeans and a simple shirt. Most of the time he is also seen with facial hair, especially when a fashion show he was directing is at the final stage of preparations. But his rugged style didn’t lessen his charisma. In fact it only made women swoon over him more. And he takes advantage of that. He is a famous playboy and lady killer. Rumors say that he had already f****d all the models that had been in his shows. James never denied those rumors. In fact every time a reporter asks him about it he just smiles. The kind of smile that can make anyone go down on their knees just to get him to f**k them. The kind of smile that no one can ever resist, even if there is an air of danger surrounding him.    Since the first time I saw him, he has been the main character in my fantasies. I didn’t fall for him because of his perfect features or his sexy body or even his charm. The truth was that I was seduced by his eyes. Our gazes met for a few seconds and I can no longer forget about it. It got stuck in my memory, like a song playing again and again inside my head, even when I am about to go to sleep. Every time I get a chance to see him in person, I always end up staring at his eyes. Every time I see him sensually gazing at a woman, I always wish I was the one he was looking at. I want his touch on my skin and his kisses on my lips. I want to be the center of his attention. I want him to f**k me so bad I dream of him every night. All my life I never thought I will have this intense feeling for any man. I never thought I will want anyone the way I desire James Salgado. Just once. I used to say before that only one encounter with him will be enough for me. I just want one night to have a taste of his kisses, his embrace and his touch. I used to say I will be perfectly happy if I get to experience once how it feels to get f****d by James Salgado. I thought it will be impossible for him to notice me. I am way out of his league. I am twenty six years old, a sales manager for a boutique owned by a prominent fashion designer. Meanwhile James is thirty three years old, at the peak of his life and successful in his career. Not only that but he was also the fantasy of many and surrounded by well-known models and socialites not only in the Philippines but also in other countries. James Salgado can get everything he wants. He can also bed all the most beautiful women in the world. It was impossible for him to notice a woman like me. And yet he did. I will never forget the first time he looked at me in the eyes. The first time he really saw me. He has an unwavering and intense gaze; Smoldering and Seductive. It was as if when he got interested in someone he will not look at anybody else and the whole world disappears from his mind. He also has a mysterious smile as if he was always planning something mischievous inside his head. But he listens intently and talks with sense. In the dim light of the club where we talked for the first time, he looked like a handsome devil tempting me to sin. I allowed him to seduce me. Maybe because of the martini I drank I also became braver and playful. When he stared I stared back. When he gave me a mysterious smile I gave him a provocative one. I let him see the attraction I feel for him that I kept to myself for so long. At the back of my mind, I believed that night will not come again for me. That if I didn’t let go of my inhibitions I will never get a chance to be with James Salgado again. But I was fortunately wrong. I got more than one night. James claimed me, in every sense of that word. He owned my body, my heart and my soul. Even when I was worried if I can really make our relationship work, I still gave all of myself to him. James Salgado made me experience a lot of things I’ve never experienced before. He opened my eyes to the world of sensuality, where his satisfaction is also mine and where the thin line between pain and pleasure collide. He showed me how the combination of the two creates a sensation so intense it always makes me scream in ecstasy. Until now, all the things we did are lingering in my mind. Until now I can still feel in my skin his gaze full of desire whenever he was in the mood to just look at my naked body until I beg him to come to me and f**k me. I can still feel his hot and wet lips pressed against my neck as he licked my skin and bit it until I moaned. I remember how his lips went down to my breasts, claimed my n*****s one after the other until I squirmed. I can still feel how his lips slid down to kiss my stomach before going lower between my legs where he stayed for a long time. I remember how he used his lips and tongue to play with my p***y until I beg him to stop because I can’t take the sensation anymore. But of course he didn’t stop. In fact he enjoyed hearing my pleas and tortured me more by using his teeth. Then he f****d me with his tongue like the expert he is until I sob as I reach my orgasm. I can still feel his sensual and alluring touch on my body. I can still feel the strength of his hand against my flesh, so forceful that it leaves marks sometimes. Yet I long for those hands that loved to fondle on my breasts before it slid down between my legs and stay there until I moan. I can still remember the fingers that love to pinch on my n*****s until I ache. I can still remember those hands grabbing my ass when he thrusts hard inside me.                Just thinking about James’ hands can already make my body hot and sensitive. Before I knew what I was doing my own hands already went to my breasts to touch myself. I moaned when I imagined that it was him who was massaging the twin globes. And when I began the fantasy of him touching me I cannot stop. I let my touch glide down to my stomach, then down to my p***y. I touched myself the way I remember him touching me. And when I remember his hardness filling me, I cannot resist inserting my fingers, trying to reenact the way he thrust inside me until he hits that spot that drives me insane. But my fingers inside me aren’t enough. I need something more intense. Months of having s*x with James has made me crave for more. I let my free hand wander against my skin, intensifying the hot arousal I was feeling. Suddenly, it made my climax closer. I pleasured myself with my fingers while dragging my nails on my skin, then pinching my n****e so hard until the pain made the pleasure so powerful that I nearly cried. All along I can see James in my mind. I imagine the look on his face every time we f**k. The memory of his passionate, almost violent eyes brought me over the edge. I stifled a moan as my body shook with orgasm. After a while I pressed my face against the pillow, trying to catch my breath. I stayed in that position until my heartbeat finally went back to normal. Then I made a huge mistake. I opened my eyes and I came back to the present. I was not with James Salgado. I am inside my own room and awfully alone. Reality washed over me that it has been three weeks since he formally ended our relationship. It has been three weeks since he slept with another woman while still with me. Reality sinks in that the man I love so deeply threw away our three-month relationship just like that. Why? Was it because I am no longer the innocent woman he first knew? Was it because I am no longer the little obedient virgin with love in her eyes that he trained to give him pleasure? Or did he throw me away simply because he never loved me. That the truth was, he hated me. Tears began to flow from my eyes. I took out my hand between my legs. It was wet with my essence. When I looked down at my arms and breasts they were filled with red, almost bloody marks from when I scratched my skin with my nails. The pleasure I felt just moments before was replaced with guilt, shame and disgust. My face heated up and my stomach churned. Before I met James I never thought I will end up like this. I never thought I will be the type of woman who touches herself to find relief. Look at me James. This is what you made me become. How can you leave me after everything that happened to us? What will happen to me now when I still long for you every night? You ruined me, do you know that? I know he knew it. Sometimes I wonder if he broke me on purpose. That he intended to hurt me the day he ended our relationship. Is this one of his games again? He used to ignore me as a prank before. He used to go overseas for weeks without contacting me. And every time I felt like he will not come back again he will suddenly appear. No explanations. Just one kiss from him and I tend to forgive him.   Will he suddenly call me again just like before? Will he kiss me again, drag me against the wall and f**k me as if he didn’t leave me? If that is the case I wish he calls me now. I hope he tells me this is just a game and that he was not serious when he said he doesn’t want me anymore. I hugged myself. My sob became a desperate cry. I cried and cried. I didn’t stop even when I heard the ringing of the phone from my living room. I keep on crying even when the call got connected to the answering machine.  “Joy? This is Lizzy. They say it’s been weeks since you last went to work? You are not even answering my calls. Charge your cellphone and call me, okay? I need to talk to you, babe.” It was the voice of my best friend. I know she is worried for me but I don’t want to talk to her. I honestly don’t want to talk to anybody.  I haven’t gotten out of my room for three weeks now. I don’t even have the energy to eat. I haven’t felt hungry since the day I saw James with another woman. “Joy? Call me, please,” Lizzy continued before the answering machine beeped and stopped recording her voice. Joy. What a funny name to have at that moment. I don’t feel even an ounce of happiness. Miserable. That was how I feel. It was as if time stopped. I don’t know how and where to start again. How can I do that when I know that I am no longer the Joy I used to be? How will I act like before if inside I know I am no longer normal? How will people accept me? How will I enter another relationship? I don’t even know if I am ready to move on. I don’t know if I can forget James or if I even want to forget him. I don’t know if I can still live. I cried harder and closed my eyes as tight as I can. I want to sleep. I want to run away from reality. I want to sleep with a hope that in my dreams I am still with James. I want to sleep and never wake up.