The Secret

Chapter 6

Chapter 6As soon as I walked into her apartment, I was aware of the contrast to my last visit there. All the curtains were open and her apartment was aglow with the late afternoon sunlight. And remember how I said Colleen had never been a neat freak? Well, you’d never guess it to look at her place now. It was immaculate.

As I looked around wonderingly, she must’ve guessed my thoughts. She’d always been good at that. “It’s easy to get things organized when you’ve got the time. And I’ve had quite a bit of time on my hands, Alejandra.”

Well, while Colleen had been busy mutating into Martha Stewart, I had apparently devolved into the world’s biggest crybaby. But, I was absolutely bound and determined not to start wailing and blubbering. I had wasted enough of the past however many months with that.

But not today.

So, why, if I was so resolved, had Colleen’s face gone blurry and who the hell was making that terrible sobbing sound?

Fuck.

I was so focused on not doing what I obviously was doing, that I hadn’t even seen Colleen move to get the box of tissues she handed me. Guiding me to sit at one end of her sofa, she then took a seat at the other end.

Hands in her lap, she patiently waiting for me to pull myself together.

When my torrent finally ebbed and my dabbing at my face and nose had nearly halted, Colleen spoke quietly, “I’m sorry, Alejandra.”

I wish I could’ve emulated her apparent serenity, but, not a chance. “Then why’d you do it!?” I exclaimed. “Why’d you dump me!?”

I’m ashamed to say I took some satisfaction in seeing her calm expression slip just a bit. She looked down at the hands in her lap, seeming to study them, as if they might contain the key to maintaining her composure.

When she looked up again, Colleen made sure she made eye contact before she said, “Alejandra, I’m gay...”

What was that I said about ‘emulating her serenity’? I have got to learn to think before I act. Before I knew it, I had closed the gap between us and slapped Colleen in the face. Hard.

“That’s it!?” I wasn’t exclaiming now, I was yelling. “You abandoned me because of that!? Why? Why couldn’t you just talk to me? I mean, did I EVER... even once... say or do something that was homophobic? You should’ve trusted me. Instead, you shut me out like I was a stranger. Do you think I would have EVER done that to you?” This all tumbled out in a breathless rush.

Colleen got to her feet quickly, glowering at me, “I love you, Alejandra, but I won’t be your punching bag. Please don’t do that again.”

We stood, still and taut, until I took my seat on the couch again. “Well, at least I got you to say you love me. That’s something.”

Smiling at that, Colleen sat down too, and not so far away this time. “If you hadn’t interrupted me by trying to take my head off,” she admonished, “I was going to say ‘I’m gay... and... I’m in love with you’.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah, ‘oh’.”

After a moment of awkward silence, I asked, “How long?”

“Years.”

It took a moment for that to register and sink in. “Years?” I whispered hoarsely, “Jesus, Colleen... years? I... I can’t imagine what that must’ve been like for you. Holding something like that inside, unable to share it with anyone for all that time.”

But, then the question occurred to me, “But, why? Why wouldn’t you confide in me? All those years I poured my heart out to you, told you every damn little thing that was going on with me. I trusted you with my deepest secrets. Why didn’t you trust me?”

Colleen placed her hand on mine, “You’re looking at this all wrong, sweetie. It isn’t that I didn’t trust you. I didn’t trust myself.”

My confusion must’ve been reflected in my expression, because she tried to clarify. “When we were in ninth grade, I had a dream about you.” Colleen’s cheeks colored faintly and I’m sure my own complexion deepened by a shade or two. “In the dream, we were kissing... and... um... well, you know... doing other stuff.”

I couldn’t resist giggling at her discomfort. She shot me a mock scowl.

“At any rate,” she went on, “it was a pretty intense dream. I had never had one like it. It scared me. I was just in junior high, for God’s sake. I wondered what was wrong with me... dreaming about another girl like that... and not just any girl, but my best friend.”

“I still don’t understand why you couldn’t talk to me about it.” I repeated.

“Oh, c’mon, Alejandra. Have you completely forgotten what it was like at that age? I mean, most of us are walking bundles of hormonally charged confusion and insecurity, anyway. And here I was, thinking there was something seriously wrong with me. I was terrified I was some kind of pervert. Don’t you remember how our classmates used to refer to ‘girls like that’? Dykes. Queers. Rug-Munchers.”

“But, you should’ve considered the source, Colleen. Just a bunch of f*****g mental defectives who were scared shitless of anything that didn’t conform to the norm,”

“Yeah, well, of course I know that now, but back then, I was desperate to fit in, just like everyone else.”

“Don’t you remember Candace Ruggiero,” Colleen continued, “who was a year ahead of us at Roosevelt (that was our high school)? She had the audacity to be openly gay and man!... they heaped s**t on her for the entire two years we were there with her. I’m sure the year before we got there was no picnic either.”

“Well, none of that for me, sister. No, thank you. So, I just kept my head down and tried to get my mind right. Tried to convince myself that I wasn’t really ‘like that’. Did my damnedest not to think those kinds of thoughts. You’ve gotta understand, Alejandra. I drank the Kool-Aid. I truly did believe there was something deviant inside me and I had to monitor it constantly. Keep it tamped down.”

“Worst of all were the nights,” Colleen went on, “when those teenage hormones over-rode my self-control. Nights when my lust for you got the better of me and I would furiously masturbate with images of you burning in my head. And afterwards, I’d be unable to sleep for the shame that was eating me up inside.”

Unbidden, my imagination suddenly provided an intense vision of Colleen’s naked form sprawled across a bed, writhing in self-induced ecstasy. I nearly had to shake my head to be rid of it.

“The fact is, sweetie,” Colleen took my hand in hers, “that you were actually the very last person I would’ve confided in. Your opinion mattered to me more than anyone’s. I was so in love with you, I couldn’t have endured it if you were repulsed by what I was.”

I stood up and pulled Colleen into my arms. “Oh, honey, I would never have... “

“Yeah, I realize that now. But, back then... back then, I was in a state of constant terror that someone would find out.”

“Christ, Colleen. You should never have had to go through that on your own. It hurts me to even think about it. I wish I had known. I’d have done anything for you.” My tears spilled onto Colleen’s face as I kissed her cheek and squeezed her tighter. Too little comfort, given too late.

“No sense fretting about what’s done.” Colleen said. She returned the kiss on the side of my face and sat back down on the sofa. “Thanks for the hug, though. I’ve missed that more than I can say.”

“Anyway,” Colleen resumed, “things got a little better at college. There was a lot more tolerance of gays on campus. There was talk of gay pride, for Christ’s sake! I even had a few cute girls ask me out from time to time.”

“But... though you and I weren’t at the same school anymore, we were still spending most of our weekends and evenings together. And by this point, I had matured enough to know for sure that it wasn’t simply a schoolgirl crush or lust I felt for you. I was in love. And I knew exactly why. I had truly come to appreciate what a rare and wonderful person you are and how fortunate I was to have you for a friend.”

“Thank you. I feel the same about you.”

“I didn’t say it to flatter you. I said it so you’d understand. Hell, it would never do for you to actually see yourself through my eyes. Your head would be so huge, your neck couldn’t support it.”

We both chuckled at the absurd image her words had conjured.

“At any rate,” Colleen picked up where she’d left off, “so long as I was completely head-over-heels about you, no other girl stood a chance with me.” Colleen’s eyes seemed to look off in the distance. She murmured, almost as if to herself, “When the sun is in the heavens, no other star can be seen for its brilliance.”

“Is that a quote from somewhere?”

“No... no... just me... waxing poetic, I guess. My goofy way of saying that I couldn’t see anyone else while you were near.” The faraway gaze vanished as she fixed her sight on me. “The thing is, I knew, from your occasional reports of your dating experiences, that you weren’t gay. But, I told myself that I could deal with the whole ‘unrequited love’ thing. That it was worth it, just to have your company... to be close to you.”

“And I did deal with it. For quite some time, in fact. Oh, you were still providing the fodder for my masturbatory fantasies. And I can’t tell you how many times I came this close,” Colleen held up her thumb and index finger so they were nearly touching, “to risking everything by taking you in my arms and kissing you.”

As soon as the words fell from her lips, they fashioned an image in my head of Colleen and I locked in an embrace, kissing passionately. Again, the force of it took me by surprise.

“For the longest while I obsessed over that. Playing the scene in my head over and over. Dying to know what you would do; how you’d react.”

“But, ultimately, of course,” Colleen sighed, “I was a great, big fraidy-cat. Well... in a way, that’s not fair to myself. I was genuinely afraid of losing your friendship. I couldn’t take that chance.”

“It never would’ve happened.” I asserted. “No matter what.”

A smile of genuine pleasure animated the faint freckles on Colleen’s cheeks and nose. “Thank you for that.”

“I should’ve trusted you.” Colleen agreed. “I should’ve confided in you. But insecurity had me by the short hairs. The constant pining for someone I thought I could never have was making me crazy. So was the desire for romance and s*x. I finally figured the only way I was ever gonna find someone was if I got you out of my system. I hoped I could make it up to you later and win your friendship again, after I’d dated other people. Hence, the melodramatic, angst-ridden break-up”

“Hence?” I teased. “Am I like company now, so you break out the formal language?”

“f**k you too, Alejandra. That informal enough for you?” she giggled.

“Oooohh!” I shot back, “Is that some kinda proposition in dyke-speak?”

Colleen rose to her feet again, putting her hands on her hips, with an ersatz look of defiance on her lovely features. “Don’t get cocky, girl. I can still kick your ass, you know.”

“Still? What planet have you been living on? Since when could you ever kick my ass? Everybody knows all you artist-types are a buncha pansies.”

“Make up your mind, smart-ass.” she retorted. “Am I a dyke or a pansy? Which is it?”

“How about a dyke with the fighting skills of a pansy?”

At that, Colleen fell back on the sofa, laughing so hard that tears began to stream down her freckled cheeks. I joined in for a moment, then just watched her, elated to have ‘my’ Colleen back.