The Secret

Chapter 5

Chapter 5I don’t want to suggest that I had taken Colleen for granted, but when someone has always been there for you, it’s easy to feel, unconsciously at least, that they always will be.

To say the next year and a half was difficult would be an extravagant understatement.

I quickly came to realize that my circle of friends were really acquaintances. I shared none of the intimacy or confidence with them that I did with Colleen. And it didn’t take a genius to figure out why. These were all perfectly nice people (God! that sounds so condescending!), but it was apparent that none of these companions possessed anything like the wondrous fusion of character traits that made Colleen such a rare and dear friend.

So, I managed to make it through the next eighteen months by staying busy, having a lot of long conversations with my mom (God bless her!) and doing quite a bit of soul searching.

Now, I don’t mean that I was ‘all better’ after that year and a half had crawled by. Far from it. But, I had at least gotten accustomed to my relative solitude. And maybe, I had begun to put a few of my broken pieces back into something approximating their original place.

Those pieces were given quite the jolt one crisp November afternoon as I walked through the local shopping mall. I was on an errand to find a suitable dress to wear to my cousin’s wedding. I wasn’t a bridesmaid or anything, I just didn’t have anything in my closet right then that was nice enough for the purpose.

As I was browsing through a rack of dresses, I felt a tap on my shoulder and heard a familiar voice ask, “Alejandra?” I turned around to see Colleen’s mom, Mrs. Hughes, wearing a wide smile and her arms extended.

After a lengthy and welcome hug, she preceded to make a fuss over ‘how lovely you’ve grown’ and to say how wonderful it was to see me. She asked after my family, of course, but when I mentioned Colleen, she was suddenly less voluble. She was polite, but she made it clear that Colleen was still pretty much keeping to herself these days.

After several minutes more of chatting, we went our separate ways, with Mrs. Hughes extracting a promise from me to say hello to my mom for her.

I was thunderstruck, all thoughts of shopping driven completely from my head.

Somehow, I managed to reach the haven of my car in the shopping center’s parking lot, before I started to cry. And once the floodgates opened, it seemed there was no closing them again. All my pain and frustration and loneliness returned in an instant, as if they’d never been banished.

When I was finally spent, the emptiness I felt began to be filled with anger. I had a rare and precious friend. A friend the like of which I would probably never know again. What had happened to her? What took her away from me? Dammit! I had a right to know.

Right then and there, I turned the key in the ignition and started driving to Colleen’s apartment. Admittedly, there was no logic behind the decision, just an urgent need.

Just an hour ago, if asked, I would have said I was getting over the hurt, doing much better now. I would have said it and I would have meant it.

And I would have been wrong.

Though I knew I shouldn’t be doing it, I found myself in the hallway outside Colleen’s apartment knocking on the door. Did I mention the anxiety that had gripped me? No, f**k ‘anxiety’, this was out-and-out terror.

And yet, here I was, knocking anyway.

If you can explain the human heart, you should write a book.

After a minute or so in the corridor, I suddenly was aware of how thoughtless and impulsive I’d been. First of all, I hadn’t called ahead. She might not even be home. Or, she might’ve peered out the peephole, seen it was me and retreated right back into her apartment. Probably shaking her head, thinking to herself, ‘Damn, what a heard-headed girl!’

While this whirl of thoughts eddied through my head, Colleen opened the door. She had on an unbuttoned plaid flannel top over a white t-shirt with blue jeans and sweat socks, but no shoes.

We stood still for a moment, both of us staring intently at the other. The distant murmur of traffic seemed a tumult in the silence. I realized I could also hear the subtle sound of her breathing. I guess I really hadn’t thought about what I would do or say when I saw her. I finally collected myself enough to stammer, “May I... um... that is... I mean, may I come in?”

Without speaking, she opened the door wider, stepped back and made room for me to enter. Passing close by her, I sneaked a peek at her face and her glance met mine.

Even after all the turmoil I’d been through, I was surprised by the intensity of feeling that moved through me. I wondered for an instant if I was ready for whatever came next.