Chapter 8- J.T.B
1540 Words
The sun was hot on my face and on my back that it caused me to wake in a daze.
I found myself lying on the grass by a lake side. I was completely taken aback.
What was I doing here? I looked around to fathom where I was. It looked like the middle of Central park. But what was I doing here? My mind was still hazy. The blood vessels were beginning to throb against my skull.
I tried to remember what had happened the other night. I recalled that I had a fight with Shehzad.
Oh.
Everything came flooding back to my mind. I was so mentally unstable the previous night that I was wandering like a drunkard—completely striped away from all logic and my mind was drowning in my emotions.
I realized that my hair was disheveled and my dupatta was nowhere to be seen. The bright sun rays stung my eyes. I couldn't believe that I was alive because it is very cold during the night.
I looked at myself in the water's reflection. My eyes--bloodshot, red and swollen and my face was pale and lifeless. I was looking the same way when I heard about my family's accident.
I tried to compose myself.
Taking the cold water from the lake, I splashed it on my face—it rejuvenated my senses.
I felt so n***d at the chest without my dupatta. Bringing my knees to my chest—I wrapped my arms around my knees and putting my chin on them, I stared at my feet—thankfully I was still wearing my house slippers. I gathered my wits and began to think things through.
I'm so surprised that I lasted through the night. Last night was the worst time of my life. I flung into such deep despair that was beyond my reckoning. I thought that my life was about to end—one way or the other. But if I am alive right now, then that means that my life's purpose isn't over yet.
But last night I acted as if my life had come to an end. I was hurt not only by Shehzad's words, but he hurt my heart too—although I harbor no feelings for him.
Why am I so hurt? Why is my heart hurting so much?
The only thing that I felt toward him was my sense of duty and devotion and loyalty as a wife. That's why I asked for a divorce without thinking—which wasn't right.
I was completely overwhelmed. I couldn't think straight. I appointed myself blameworthy for everything that happened to me thus far.
I became convinced so badly that I would die—but I didn't. I blamed myself for all my misfortune. But I remembered one of the verses of the Qur'an that stated;
....bad women are for bad men and good women are for good men....
Can that also be implied for me—I'm certain that if I go back then a divorce is all that awaits me. And on top of that; I shared my biggest weakness with Shehzad last night. And knowing him—who is decisive and manipulative, then he will grasp at any opportunity to exploit my situation even if he didn't give me a divorce.
Maybe my decision was too hasty. I shouldn't have asked for divorce because I didn't give this marriage my hardest efforts. But separation seems to be my only escape.
I can't live with him after all.
He will never give me what I want and he will never accept me for what I am. And for someone else, I cannot change myself—especially my morals and my fundamental edification.
It was like he was asking me kill my own conscience—which I can never do.
And also—I don't want my existence to be a cause of some bad omen for others. Even if I become a divorcee, I know that I will not receive my Haq Mehr since the marriage was never consummated. My relatives will never take me in and I won't tell them about the divorce otherwise they'll do horrible things to me.
AH! I'm getting so confused.
I have no options or any other alternative at all. But my patience had ended yesterday when Shehzad showed me his true self. I decided then and there that I will not live with him for a second longer. And what's worse; he made me realize my uselessness and insatiable insignificance.
We are people from two different worlds. We can never understand one another. I worked very hard to bridge the gap between us. But what was the use if it when it was only one sided.
He is immoral, depraved and corrupt. If I stay any longer with him then I fear that he will drag me into his world of vast secularism. I prayed so much that may ALLAH give him guidance; but now it seems that he is far beyond that now. How can someone like me help him when I can't even help myself?
I'm a criminal myself.
I don't know how many sins I must have committed in order to be punished so severely. In my eighteen years of life, I haven't done any major Haram sin that must've proven to be Judas of betrayal—but perhaps my small sins might be the cause of my misery today. And I don't remember any good deed that I could've done to exchange for my salvation.
I buried my face in my arms and knees. Tears were beginning to soak my face.
I couldn't find an answer to all my questions. I didn't know how to atone for my sins. I was lost—both emotionally and spiritually.
"Hey, are you alright?" said an unfamiliar voice.
I raised my head slowly and my eyes were caught by a pair of gray eyes. I became confused and quickly looked away.
"You seem down. Are you hurt? Did something happen to you?" that person asked in a worried tone. I was beginning to feel embarrassed.
A stranger was inquiring if I was alright? He must have noticed the bruise on my face and my puffy eyes. Of course if anybody saw me, they would think that I've been assaulted but no one could know the turmoil that was going inside my heart and soul.
I stayed quiet. I wasn't in the right state of mind to deal with a stranger.
"Hmm—I see. You don't feel like answering, right? It's okay. It's only natural for you to not respond to a stranger's unnecessary questions." He said very casually. I saw that he was staring toward the lake, his hands in his track suit pockets.
But what surprised me more was that he was talking my mind.
"But you know—you look like one of those people who have been kicked around by life. It happens sometimes. Life gets you down. But let me offer some piece of advice—when you fall, you have to have enough strength to carry on and rely and trust yourself more from now on because in a world like this, if you are alone, you have your own self to believe in." He stated. His voice showed that he was aware of what I was feeling right now. Or maybe my face must be too easy to read.
I was taken aback.
How could he possibly know that I needed help? I was so absorbed into my own thoughts that I noticed much later that something had covered my back. When I looked, I saw that that person had put his tracksuit jacket on my back.
"This is all that I can offer for help since I don't know you or your circumstances—but let me tell you something else," he said and grabbed my shoulders to help me stand on my feet. Normally, at a stranger's random touch, I shrink away but I wasn't in my right mind at the moment.
"Whenever you feel like crying, then cry to your heart's content and use this," he said raising my chin and placed something at the palm of my hand. I didn't look at it since I was in the full capture of his eyes. I had never seen such welcoming and friendly eyes.
"But once you're done crying—smile. You will feel better and look beautiful and don't let yourself feel down again. Face everything head on and Keep your head held high." He counseled with a big grin.
"Here you go."
He placed a lollipop in my palm.
"Cheer up, kiddo." He gave me a childish look.
"Well, I guess I'll be seeing you later." He claimed and began to run back to the jogging track.
I wanted to stop him. But my voice didn't come out. I wanted to ask him his name. His words were so full of wisdom and comfort, yet he didn't look any older than me.
He saved me from falling into a chasm that would have been impossible for me to climb back to. I opened the palm of my hand and in it, was a handkerchief, and in it was a thousand dollar bill. The handkerchief had the initials.
J.T.B.
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- Writer
