Centuries of Sin : Book IV

31

Elizabeth wasn't entirely sure she believed that nobody would hold it against them if they made any long lasting decisions before they had been accepted officially, but she knew she was out of her depth when it came to the way things were run and she wanted to believe what Sawyer was saying.

"Nathan?" he was about to chastise Elizabeth for using his name like that when she knew how much it bothered him, but something stopped him and he waited for her to continue. "Selene still sees you as her Alpha."

"No, she's just..."

"...I wasn't asking you, I was telling you. She still sees you as her Alpha."

Sawyer shook his head slightly, and smiled teasingly.

"I don't know how to feel about the fact you're bringing my former status up so much all of a sudden." Elizabeth glared at him, but he didn't seem to notice. "It was always either infuriating or boring in the past, but I quite like hearing it from you."

"I'm not drooling over you and calling you my big strong Alpha to get you into bed... I only mentioned it because that's what everyone is going to realize when they start to wonder about your relationship with her, and she might get into trouble if she's too leniant with you... people might think you're trying to manipulate her."

"Do you think that's what I'm doing? Because I don't want to manipulate her into letting us have a kid, Elizabeth; I am not some packless Alpha who is desperate for any scraps of power I can get."

"I know that; and you will never be desperate for anything - that's why people are so drawn to you."

Sawyer raised his eyebrow at Elizabeth's comment, but she was looking him in the eye and he could see she was serious.

"I was desperate for you, once," he replied, his voice low and his eyes piercing into her; Elizabeth bit her lip and found herself staring into his eyes. "I'm not going to let you start idealizing me, Elizabeth. I'm not perfect, and I never have been."

"I never said you were perfect - I said that I still see you as my Alpha, and that Selene still sees you as her Alpha. Both of those things are objectively true."

"And exactly what do you suggest I do about it? Why does it matter to you? Why are you telling me this now?"

"I can't answer any of those things..." Elizabeth swallowed nervously.

"Try."

Sawyer was clearly frustrated, but Elizabeth didn't really understand why.

"I don't think you're going to like my answer," Elizabeth sighed. "It's honestly just a feeling I have; I don't know how else to put it. And I know you don't like bringing up your past, or your family, but... you are who you are, and you will do what you will do."

Sawyer as expressionless as he looked across the table at Elizabeth for a while, before he finally nodded.

"That's an oddly poetic way of telling me you don't think I stand any chance of escaping the life my father wanted for me."

"It's not poetic at all; it's the truth. People respect you, they listen to you, they follow you, they feel safe with you - that's who you are. And you will always do what you can to help protect people and keep them safe, because that is what you do. Whether people decide to give you an official title or not doesn't matter: I see you as my Alpha."

Sawyer let out a short laugh; Elizabeth smiled briefly before looking down at the table again.

"We should probably keep that between us."

"You're not going to give me your 'I don't believe in that stuff' speech again?" Elizabeth's eyes glimmered as she spoke.

"Oh, I can't wait to give you that speech... maybe if you threaten to leave me unless I take over as Alpha here, or demand that I drag us off somewhere to found a Pack of our own," he was smiling and the way he was answering was almost flirtatious but his tone shifted and he looked nervous as he leaned forward closer to Elizabeth. "The thing is... I do still believe in it," he murmured, "I just don't like it. At least, I don't like the way people see different roles and treat people based on them; it implies that I'm better than other people, when I'm not."

"You're not better than other people because you're an Alpha; and you're better than guys like your father because you're a decent person who cares about people and who is willing to make the tough decisions to protect them without putting your own ego first. You're... different."

"Not like other Alphas?" Sawyer laughed, but Elizabeth chose not to see his response to her as mocking.

"Not even close..." she bit her lip and blushed when he didn't look away from her.

"I may not be able to change what I am, Elizabeth," he sighed, "but I don't have to like it, and I don't have to act on it."

"I'm not trying to tell you what to do," Elizabeth replied, her voice a little shaky, "I didn't tell you that I expect you to do anything about it, I just... I can't help how I feel. I didn't mean to say anything about it, I just couldn't stop myself."

"It's okay..." Sawyer sighed, and Elizabeth held her breath; she could feel him gazing at her, and her lips parted slightly as she watched him "I think we both know why you're thinking like that."

"Does it bother you?"

"Honestly?" he took a deep breath and then exhaled slowly as he looked at her. "I'm surprised how much I liked hearing you say you still think of me that way." Elizabeth smiled again, but she saw Sawyer's eyes flicker to her lips and her heartbeat quickened in her chest. "I thought it was hot."

"I..."

"We should probably keep this to ourselves, though."

"I know..."

Sawyer stood up again and Elizabeth stared at him as he leaned against the counter.

"I want to know what you're thinking..."

"I..." she paused and tried to think of a way to explain it. "I guess I'm trying to figure out why I feel so different now."

"At the risk of you calling me patronizing - have you considered the idea that it's because you are different, now? I know that you may not agree with me, but..."

"...I do agree, and I have thought about it. I'm trying to think of a way to explain it. It doesn't feel like I'm a... a different person, it just feels like I'm myself, and that I wasn't completely myself before," she shrugged and bit her lip. "I don't know how to put it other than that."

Sawyer watched as Elizabeth chewed her lower lip and then ran her hands through her hair before turning away from him.

 "I think that's because you're more relaxed now; it's not like you have to try to be something you're not, and we're not trying to hide anything."

"I don't know if it's that, more... I don't know... I'm really not in the right state to think about things like this and you know that."

"I know," he smiled at her gently and then looked away from her toward the door.

"I'm sorry if I've made you feel weird about this."

"You don't have to apologize, Elizabeth. I don't feel weird about it - I think it's normal that you have thoughts like that about me, and I'm glad you have them."

Elizabeth blushed again and stared down at her hands, trying to avoid looking at Sawyer because she was feeling a little embarrassed and she was finding it difficult to concentrate.

"Maybe we should just stop talking about this," she mumbled.

"You're really this distracted already?"

"You're a distracting man."

"That..." he paused for long enough that Elizabeth looked back at him, "may have been my most effective skill when I was younger."

"Oh, f**k off," she laughed, but he pulled her up from the chair so he could kiss her, and she was left breathless in his arms.

"Still want me to f**k off?"