Centuries of Sin : Book IV

10

Elizabeth’s heart was still racing, but she pulled her underwear back up and Sawyer didn’t stop her this time.

She was touched by what he had told her; it wasn’t exactly romantic, but he always seemed to tell her things that made him genuinely emotional in moments like that.

It always caught her off-guard, and that was probably why he did it - because he was raised in a way that meant he was uncomfortable baring his emotions if he couldn’t tell himself he wasn’t being weak.

He was far more open about his feelings than his father would have liked, but there were still times where he couldn’t bring himself to say what was on his mind; he thought that Elizabeth would think it was trivial, or just weird, if he told her that he appreciated the subtleties of how she smelled when she wanted him. 

But he needed her to know, because what Selene had said had struck him on a level that he didn’t quite understand yet, and he was scared Elizabeth would never know exactly how much he loved her if something happened to him.

She braided her hair and wandered through to the living room to sit down because she knew that he wanted to talk to her and she had no idea what was on his mind.

“Do you want a drink?” Sawyer nodded towards the kitchen.

“Of what?”

They had nothing to eat or drink. Selene had been with Francesca most of the night, and that meant Elizabeth didn’t want to wander around with Klara looking for someone to take pity on them, because she hadn’t really known anyone else before they left.

“I was supposed to be visiting my sister - I’m sure she won’t mind me taking coffee from Karoline’s place if I go over there now.”

“You didn’t visit her? You were gone for a pretty long time…”

He didn’t want to tell her everything that he had just spoken about with Selene, but there was no point hiding anything from her and that would only end up causing unnecessary drama.

“I was talking to Selene. It was nothing important - I just didn’t get a chance to talk to her when we got back… she seemed really happy that Klara wants to stay with this pack. I don’t know whether you even want to stay here yourself, but I’m sure Klara will feel welcome here and Selene won’t let anybody judge her for the fact she was living alone for so long.”

“Why wouldn’t I want to stay here?”

“I can think of a hundred reasons why you wouldn’t want to stay here, and I am sure you’re capable of thinking of a thousand.”

He turned away from her to go to the kitchen before she could respond, but she couldn’t argue with him - she wasn’t exactly optimistic, and the fact she had been miserable there was the entire reason they had left in the first place.

"I'm not completely self absorbed."

He hadn't accused her of that, but she had followed him through to the kitchen to say it and he really wished he had just f****d her rather than trying to express himself in a more meaningful way. 

"That sounded like the start of one of those stupid quotes people have on bumper stickers. Like… 'I'm not a complete jerk - some parts are missing' or…" 

"...I'm being serious, OK? I understand that you need to have somewhere that feels like a home, and that this is better than any of our other options. I had fun when we were away, but I wouldn't want to live like that forever. You just said that you don't know whether I even want to stay here - well, I'm telling you that I do. Because I can think of a hundred reasons not to leave, and I am sure you’re capable of thinking of a thousand."

She hoped that she sounded sincere but the fleeting smile he gave when she turned his own words on him indicated otherwise.

“Thank you. And I didn’t call you self absorbed; I didn’t even think it.”

“You didn’t need to. We used to compromise, at least on some things, but that’s not how things have been since we moved here; you’ve done everything to make me happy without expecting anything in return. I haven't been oblivious to that, and I think I have been taking advantage of it for too long.”

“Elizabeth, I didn’t expect anything in return because I don’t think love should be transactional. In fact, I feel particularly strongly about that because it’s the way other people used to treat me and it made me miserable. I never wanted to be with someone who only cared enough to make me happy when there was something they wanted from me in exchange. I love you, but I couldn’t ignore the fact you weren’t happy - I wanted to find a way to make things better for both of us, and you didn’t take advantage of me… and you don’t owe me anything.”

Elizabeth sighed, and sat down at the kitchen table even though there wasn’t even anything they could drink.

“Yes, I do. Because what if we had come back a few days later and you missed being there for your sister? What if something had happened to her while we were away? Or to Selene? I’m in a far better place now than I was when we left, and I am not suggesting that we stay here at the expense of my happiness - I just know you never wanted to leave in the first place. You’ve already spent enough time living in isolation because of me, and I don’t want to keep you from everyone you care about anymore.”

Sawyer remained where he was standing - leaning on one of the kitchen counters and looking at Elizabeth as she stared down at her lap.

She wasn’t sure how he was going to respond, but she was nervous and she didn’t want to look him in the eyes.

“It wasn’t easy for me to leave; I didn’t know if we would ever come back here, or if we would even be welcome if we did. I didn’t know whether you would gain anything from leaving, I didn’t know whether we would end up in trouble, I didn’t know where we would go or what we would do, and I knew that I would never forgive myself if anything happened to Francesca, or Selene, or anybody else because we weren’t here to help. But I left anyway. Did I seem like I regretted it to you?”

Elizabeth swallowed nervously and looked up at him.

“No… you didn’t seem like you regretted it.”

“It wasn’t an act. I know that leaving was the right thing for us - both of us. There was no point staying here and insisting we should make a home for ourselves among this pack when you would never have felt like you belonged here with me. I needed you back. Leaving wasn’t selfless, and it wasn’t a sacrifice. It was necessary, and you don’t owe me anything for doing the right thing.”