42
1229 Words
Elizabeth saw how hurt Sawyer was when she told him she felt like she wasn't good enough for him, but she couldn't take back her words, and she thought it would be better if he knew how she was feeling.
"I'm so sorry if I've made you feel like you aren't good enough, Elizabeth; that is really not true."
"I can't help feeling this way. I know it's stupid, but..."
"...if it's hurting you, it isn't stupid. I don't know what I can do to show you that isn't true, but it's important that you don't feel like that and I'm sorry I haven't been paying as much attention to you as I should have been. It's not that I don't want to spend time with you, I just need to help my sister right now and when you kept saying you didn't want to come with me I thought it was better not to keep asking you."
"I've missed you," she sighed, and sat down beside him. "I'm sorry I haven't made an effort with your sister; I know that's important to you and I've been acting like a child about this. It's not that I'm jealous; it's not even that I don't like her at this point- I just feel like I don't belong when I am over there with you, and I hate feeling like that. When we came back here, I felt like I belonged, and it was the first time in my life I had ever felt that way. I know I haven't spoken to many people here, but I was planning on being more social than I have been and it was nice to know they're not going to ignore me or think I'm beneath them. I hate feeling as if that's slipping away from me. I guess I just started feeling like this again without realizing it."
She hadn't looked at him when she said that, but she felt how hurt he was and it made her feel worse because he had been so happy that she was comfortable with herself and he hadn't even noticed that the feeling had slipped away until now.
"Have I f****d things up?"
He sounded so hurt that Elizabeth could barely look at him and she hated seeing him like this because of her.
"Of course you haven't f****d things up...I wasn't trying to make you feel like you've ruined everything for us. I am still happy here, and I know that you're just trying to help keep Saga safe. I understand that things won't be like this forever and I know we'll get to know people eventually. They've taken us all in when they didn't have to and it wasn't like we had the most auspicious start here."
"I'm glad you see it that way, but I didn't really mean it like that. I meant...have I f****d things up for us?"
Elizabeth looked at him again and sighed; she didn't really know what to say, but he was visibly uncomfortable and she knew she had to say something.
"Are you asking if I've changed my mind about everything?"
"Yes," he answered without hesitation and she was thrown by it because it gave her no time to think of a way to answer him.
"It's difficult not to make assumptions when we've not spent much time together. You're the one who thinks we need to wait until we've been accepted officially to do anything remotely permanent. You know that's not going to happen any time soon, because the only thing that is being negotiated or even remotely considered right now is what to do about your niece. You haven't seemed interested in getting them to deal with us, so I figured you didn't see it as a priority."
"It is a priority to me... I know it doesn't seem like it, but it is. I need to know we're safe here, and we won't be safe if they make the wrong decisions about the baby. I'm trying to help so that things don't take so long, and so that we're not going to end up in a position we've been trying to avoid." Elizabeth looked at him carefully and he looked back at her, remaining in an uncomfortable silence for a minute. "I don't have a good way to put this, and it's probably going to upset you, but I have to ask: is there a reason you're asking this now? Because regardless of anything else you have been thinking, there hasn't actually been any need for us to have this conversation. We've been here for three months now - nearly four - and it hasn't been physically possible since we first got here."
He looked at her and let out a heavy sigh as he ran his hand through his hair, and she moved slightly further away from him and stared at her hands because she had been avoiding the subject, but he was right.
"Everything else is normal..."
"...but not that. I'm trying to be tactful about this, because I know neither of us have wanted to acknowledge it, but unless I have been unforgivably inattentive and failed to notice something I can't physically ignore, you..."
"....you don't have to say it," Elizabeth closed her eyes, trying to stop herself from getting too upset, but she felt her chest tighten when he moved closer to her because she felt like he was pitying her rather than sharing her pain. "I don't know what's wrong with me."
“There’s nothing wrong with you, but I’m glad we spoke about this because I have been thinking about it and … I’m not worried,”
Elizabeth opened her eyes, but her vision was still blurred and she didn’t understand why he was being so calm.
“That isn’t exactly convincing me that you still want to have a child with me.”
“I do… I’m just not worried, because the last time you were in Heat is so vividly burned into my memory that I don't think it's arrogant to assume that the fact I've not been here so much might be why it hasn't happened since." She could tell he was trying to make her feel better, and it made enough sense that she didn't think he was lying, so she didn't move away when he put his arm around her. "If you're concerned about this I will tell the others that I need to take a break from being there all day every day. It's not unreasonable, and I try to follow my instincts with things like this."
"I'm well aware of that."
Elizabeth shivered as Sawyer brushed her hair over her shoulder and leaned down to kiss her neck.
"Have I ever been wrong where that is concerned?" he didn't wait for her to answer; he didn't need to, but she cleared her throat and sat up a little straighter.
"I don't think it's fair for you to do that to them, and if that's what it takes to get them to hurry up, it wouldn't help for you to do that, either; I can't expect you to make all the concessions every time I'm upset about something."
"I don't consider this a concession - I should be putting our future first, and there's more than one way to do that."
- Writer
