The Alpha's Mute

Chapter Four

Chapter Four 

Niklaus Wade

      He's not leaving. I thought he'd leave after a bit of time passed or even immediately after Elliot left but he didn't. We migrated onto my bed from off of the floor, I don't remember how it happened but it did and now I'm in this quiet room of mine with no sound drifting about except the sound of Gnashtons breathing. 

He's breathing heavily, probably through his mouth but I can't really tell. I'm not looking at him, I forced myself to look at my hands that lay on my lap. I notice the cuts and peeled skin on my thumb and middle finger, I kept picking at it out of nervousness which lead to the bruises on my fingers. 

My nails are also awfully short because I bite my nails before they can grow and my habit of gnawing on my nails until my fingers bled was coming back. I believed that it was due to Weston but even now that he's out of the picture I still can't help but do it especially as it grows closer to my birthday. 

I don't think I'll find my mate the day of my birthday, I don't think I'll be lucky enough to find my mate ever. Hazel is lucky, people like her live without any trauma, without having to stay up late at night because they're afraid they'll have that same dream that leaves them trembling. They live without feeling caged, without that suffocating feeling like they can never escape because despite how many years have passed, despite how far I move, I will always be stuck in a cage that I call my mind. 

Even as physical scars fade I harbor the most painful scar of not being able to speak, not being able to let others touch me and touch others. I have never been able to open up, not even to Hazel whom I considered my best friend. 

'Think more positively,' psychiatrists told me, 'stop being so pessimistic,' adults have told me, 'don't pity yourself so much,' strangers say. It's easy to say this when you're not me. It's easy to act like you care but then turn your back when caring goes beyond simple words. I'm stuck in an endless abyss of self-hate, self-loathing. 

Smile and say I'm fine so they'll turn away and take your word for it without questioning it but never will they see the tears behind every single 'I'm fine,' I write down for those to see. 

Why am I like this?

I blink in surprise when I see Gnashtons hand hovering over my own. I realize my fingers were twitching this whole time. Looking at Gnashtons hand, it was on top of mine but he wasn't touching me but I still felt the warmth of his skin. 

What's wrong with me? 

I should be freaking out, spasming and backing away until I awkwardly fall off the bed and hurt myself as I usually do but here I sit, my muscles calm and my heart beat accelerating but not in the way it does when a panic attack is to ensue. 

I swallow a lump that forms in my throat and I snap my head to look at Gnashton who's eyes are already on me. He takes his hands away from my own and sighs as he flops down onto my bed and crosses his arms behind his head with his eyes closed.

I'm looking at him because he's always something to look at. 

"This is the second time you've stared at me so closely," he says, his deep voice rumbling as I blush but don't stop looking because I'm shameless. 

"No response? Am I being ignored," his voice tells me he's not being serious but I pout anyways.

He cracks open an eye, displaying the forest green in them that are swirling with so much emotion at one time but I couldn't identify a single one. He's such a mystery, a code no one can c***k even if they dedicated their lives to doing so. I'm not curious enough to try, that's what I told myself but slowly as I continue to look at him I begin to wonder if that's actually true. 

"You ever wonder what s**t would be like if you weren't adopted?" his voice is low, soft.

He turns, laying on his side to give me his full attention. I fidget but I'm not sure whether it's because the question made me feel slightly uncomfortable or if it's because Gnashton always kept eye contact with me without breaking it once. Sometimes I felt like he was afraid to take his eyes off of me, then reality kicked in and I realized how utterly and truly dumb that thought was. 

Gnashton didn't care about anything, he most certainly didn't care about me. I'm not related to him by blood, the only relation we share is our adoptive parents but even then we didn't associate with each other though lately he's been more...social but even saying he's been more social is a bit of a stretch. 

What is apparent is how no matter what Elliot and Elijah did for Gnashton it just seemed like he hated them, it seemed like he hated everything. I could relate but not to that extent. 

Looking at him as he looks at me, I tilt my head as I begin to now think that we are more similar than I first thought. He's expressive with his hate of the world as he carries the burden of his past on his shoulders and refused to let anyone in, much like myself except I'm silently baring my struggles. 

The only thing I do wonder about is what happened to him that made him so angry, so brutal. 

He quirks a brow upwards and I realize I never answered his question. I spend so much time in my own head that typically when people spoke to me, I answered in my head and assumed they could hear me. I mean, once I shift into my wolf I'll be able to access mind link so there's that but it's not like I'd actually use it. I had no to speak to aside from Elliot and Elijah who have been raving about my birthday and all the things they wanted to do with me. I just wanted to stay in my room, I don't want to spend time with others. 

I pull my notebook that was on my nightstand onto my lap and reach into my back pocket where I left my gel black pen, my favorite gel black pen. 

I scribble down my reply. 

'I don't think about that.' 

That's a lie. 

His lips quirk up and he studies my face.

"Bullshit," came his reply. 

Nervously, I rub my arm and write something else down. 

'Why are you still here?' 

He shrugs, "tell me to leave and I will."

'Leave.' 

"I lied," he smirks. 

I glare at him but it doesn't faze him at all. In fact, he sits upright and quirks his head to the side and I watch his tongue dart out to lick his bottom lip. 

"I'm curious..." He trails off but I'm confused as to what he means so I quickly write down something.

'About what?' 

"What would happen if I touched you," his voice is a whisper and he opens his mouth to say more but he hesitates for a bit while my heart races uncontrollably. Then he continues saying, "I want to touch you so bad." 

Did I hear that correctly? My heart is pounding so loud that I fell my hearing dissipate, I could just be hearing things but staring into his eyes there was the two emotions I could sort out amongst others that were too hard to decipher. Want. Need. 

I'm afraid, scared. Most of my fear came from the unknown because the thought of being touched made my skin crawl, it made goosebumps arise on my skin and my lungs to constrict. Then I thought about the fact that Gnashton would be the one to touch me and the usual panic that would have risen up at this point wasn't coming up. The bile that would've been stuck in my throat wasn't there but I felt almost breathless. 

I wanted to pull out my hair from frustration because I didn't know why the hell my body was reacting like this. Gnashton is nothing special, he's not my mate, there is no way that he's my mate. The moon goodness would not pair us two together, It just couldn't—it wasn't a possibility. 

Then why. 

My thoughts are lost watching Gnashton come closer to me. My eyes blink rapidly and I feel my breathing pick up as I try to reach for my notebook to tell him to stop but it's out of reach. If I were to grab it, I'd end up brushing my skin against his and I'm terrified of that. 

He's getting closer and so I freak out and push myself back until my back hits my head board. That was a dumb decision because now an amused Gnashton shifts from his original position and he's now crawling on his knees closer to me. My legs instantly split apart as his hands grow close to my legs. 

My heart is beating so loud right now, it nearly hurts. 

He crawls between my legs then he stops. His knees are inches away from my crotch, his face close to mine with hardly any space separating us. I gasp as I feel the gentle stands of the hair that drapes down his forehead touch my forehead, his breathing tickles my lips and I lick them unconsciously. 

His eyes look at my lips that are now moist with the saliva that came from my tongue. This was a deja vú moment, the similar scene already done once before. 

We shouldn't even be in this situation right now. Is this his way of bullying me? Of torturing me? There's nothing I can say nor do. He created a barricade around my entire being, trapping me and leaving no room for me to move at all. 

"Don't do that," he growls out and a violent shiver explodes through me, traveling down my spine.

The deepness of his voice makes my insides stir, my throat becomes dry and my toes curl involuntarily. My cheeks become hot, the red hue noticeable as well as my shifting legs. 

Gnashton wears a dark smirk on his face, his green eyes weren't so green anymore but I wouldn't be able to classify the color as black, it was much more like he was in control but his Wolf was still there just not emerging, not taking control like before. 

None of this made any sense, my reactions didn't make any sense. He lifts his right hand, bringing it closer to my face, inch by inch. He's going to touch my face, I'm sure of it and I felt the anxiety of having a panic attack build up within me but a soft voice is whispering that it was alright but I couldn't trust it, I couldn't trust anything. 

I clench my eyes shut and await to be sent into a frenzy but it doesn't come because of the loud knocking against my door following a voice. 

"Niklaus!" Comes Caspian's loud voice, "this girl I was flirting with is in front of the door and is ringing the doorbell like she's insane. Come tell her I'm not home." 

My eyes open instantly and I'm met with Gnashtons eyes on mine. For a while, he stays as he is without moving then he slides away from me and off my bed without making plenty of noise. 

I suppose it's been too silent because Caspian begins knocking—or more so, he begins pounding roughly against the door. 

"Niklaus, come bail me out. She thinks I wanna f**k her," I hear the whine in Caspians voice.

Gnashton rolls his eyes and gives me a single look before he turns around and walks to the door. He unlocks it before pulling it open, watching without care as Caspian falls onto the ground. As if Caspian is the dirt beneath his feet, Gnashton kicks Caspians side. Groaning, Caspian clutches his side while glaring up at Gnashton who's demeanor depicts his lack of emotion at the way Caspian rolls around in pain. 

Gnashton stuffs his hands into his pocket then easily crouches down. Turning his face to meet Caspians, Gnashton wears his lips quirked up but I wasn't sure if it was a smirk but it was something that meant only bad things were to come. 

"Watch yourself," Gnashton says, his warning vague but threatening. 

He doesn't wait for Caspians response despite how much he's wheezing and choking to give a response but the scowl on his face says it all. Gnashton leaves the room, leaving a groaning Caspian on my bedroom floor. 

Caspians grunts fade from my ears as my thoughts carry me away and I'm left wondering what the hell just happened...