Before Heaven

Chapter 10

IX

One day later.

I found that the night that passed after Alice had made Jenny's mind for her was a mostly sleepless one. I couldn't stop thinking of what I'd heard Alice say. That last little line especially; that wasn't friendly, or encouraging. That was manipulative. The entire conversation had been derailed out of Jenny's control, hijacked and steered to a new course by Alice. For what it was worth, Alice probably still had some sort of a point in there; if what everything they'd observed about me was to be considered, Alice knew exactly what we wanted and pressured us into following that. But in the battle of emotion versus reason, they were letting emotion win. Now that I could view it more practically, the glaring flaws of following my heart became woefully clear to me. It was a risky situation, way, way riskier than how I'd initially considered it. We were teenagers, for Christ's sake – I didn't even know how we were legally able to be in this – and we were on an island miles and miles away from any square of civilized land. Assuming we could manage to find our way out of the Nest, somehow dodge the security, hijack a boat, and manage to get to dry land without being caught by Red Clover first, what the actual hell would we do? Ride into Jamaica, flip the bird to our stuck-up parents, and spend the rest of our lives catching and selling fish? Any and all scenarios that involved us getting back at our parents were purely products of fantasy; the drive to do so was strong, but I no longer saw any realistic way to stick it to them except following Jenny's advice from weeks before. Go through the program, get paid, get back to New Jersey, and talk to my parents. The prospect of directly confronting them was terrifying, obviously, but my motivation to talk to them had never been stronger. I wasn't going to just let them stop listening or brush off my concerns again. I wasn't going to take that. That's what Jenny had, at the least, tried to do with Charles. Maybe I'd find some more success with my own. Alice no longer had any part in what I was going to do; making up Jenny's mind for her with such a manipulative, impatient conversation that left Jenny with no will of her own to defend her position was a d**k move.

Ironically, Alice had sealed both of our decisions with that conversation. But while it seemed Jenny was primed to escape the Nest now, I found that night, reason triumphed over my childish fantasies of what could be once and for all.

I got maybe two hours of sleep, both of which were dominated by more nightmares of that unseen presence overhanging over the Nest. I was woken up by a flash of light streaking into my face and the annoying buzz of the alarm ringing in my ear. Harlow had peeked the door open and offered his greetings again. Once again, I flipped him the bird. He didn't seem to react; apparently, he'd gotten used to it. No bloody wonder why. I just lounged in bed for a while after. I decided to screw getting breakfast, today. I wasn't hungry, I wasn't in the right mindset to confront Alice, and I was still paranoid about walking in the goddamned hallways. I could still just feel that anomaly even shut into my room. It was ominous. I'd like to say it was even malevolent, but I felt I couldn't prescribe the concept of "malevolence" onto this thing. I didn't know what it was. Maybe it was nothing. I did my best to just ignore it by wasting some time on the computer. It wasn't exactly encouraged to keep into your room all day – although Jenny seemed to be the exception, and I couldn't blame her – but I reasoned I'd be out soon enough. I didn't know how I'd feel about with Alice as I usually did. It felt weird to just avoid them, as we'd had regular contact with them for essentially all of pre-simulation. Then again, it felt weirder talking to them after everything they'd said to Jenny. I'd take my chances. I know I'd be talking to Jenny tonight, regardless.

What I didn't expect was for her to come to me.

At about 9:43 AM – in the morning, good Christ – I heard a light rap on my door that tore my attention from the computer and gave me cause to look at the door. I initially just figured it was Harlow trying to urge me out and I paced over to the door with a measure of impatience, about ready to tell the fat asshole to piss off for one final time. I peered through the eye-hole.

It was Jenny. She had a t-shirt on – a baggy purple thing, with a print image on it reading "RENEGADE" in blocky yellow lettering – and some slim leggings, a notebook in hand for some reason. She seemed concerned, shuffling about in place and anxiously looking left and right as though she was trying to seek sanctuary from some savage beast. I couldn't exactly blame her for looking so nervous; it had become exceedingly clear to me, through our repeated talks, that she had some form of severe social anxiety. I blinked a bit in surprise and opened the door a crack, peering through the crack at her.

"Jen?" I asked. "What are you-"

"Never f*****g mind, just please let me in," Jenny said, her voice strained and her expression wrinkled in irritation and trepidation. I didn't question in and allowed her to bolt into my room and retreat further into the dark, like she was allergic to the light from the outside halls. My room was fairly dim, excepting the shine of the computer screen on the desk. I shut the door behind me and gave her a weird glance, and Jenny seemed to relax a little bit, her shoulders loosening up and her face releasing from the tight-ass expression she'd had on.

"Thanks, man," she finally said. "God, I f*****g hate walking through the halls. Ash bumped into me on the way here. Got way too close."

I sat on my desk's chair and rested my left arm on the desk. "You poor sod. Never fun to exchange eyes with him."

"f*****g tell me about it," Jenny sighed, exasperated. "That fuckhead is an absolute creep. I think he's molesting the other applicants or some s**t. He's like a living plague."

Everyone was averse to Ash, at this point. Even Billy was doing his best to distance himself from the freak after the incident that had caused him and Ash to have their asses chewed out by Chayne. The guy spat everything he said and cursed the security out every chance he got. He was supposed to be the one overseeing the surgeries to put the neurochips in our head, anyways; I half-expected him to have a cabal of like-minded psycho scientists at his beck and call. He didn't seem like a real scientist despite being such a good neurosurgeon. I just couldn't see that guy doing such delicate procedures like that. Now, I could see him cutting off people's scalps and getting at their brains, but only to eat them Hannibal Lecter style. Maybe he'd just piss in their cranium.

"I hate him," I said. "We all do. No idea why that asshole is one of the supervisors of this whole mess."

"It's a clusterfuck," Jenny said, smirking a bit. "Just to his style. But, uh, that's not why I came here."

"I reckon it isn't," I said. "You talked with Alice last night, right?"

Jenny frowned. "Did they tell you?"

"No," I replied. "I haven't so much as seen them since yesterday. I tuned into your conversation last night, and..."

Jenny nodded. She didn't seem terribly taken aback that I'd eavesdropped, thank God. "Yeah, man. I'm gonna bust out. That's... That's my final decision. I've made up my mind."

I sighed, and stood myself up. Out with it, I guess. "...Did you really, Jen?"

Jenny eyebrows furrowed a bit. "Yeah, I f*****g did, man. I'm not going back now."

"Just... listen to an outsider's perspective for a second," I said, my voice urgent. "I tuned into that conversation and... Jen, I think Alice is making up your mind for you. Everything they said just sounded so manipulative."

Jenny seemed a little incensed at that notion. "They're not f*****g manipulating me, Jackson. They're helping me. Every single thing they've said I've agreed with. And about making up my mind for me, Jackson? I'm done with that. I'm actually f*****g done with that. That's what's been happening every f*****g day since they found out I was immune, man. I'm done being a tool. I want to f*****g do something on my own for once, and you know what, f**k the consequences at this rate."

"Man..." I begun. I faltered. I wanted to spout out every single thing I'd thought out last night in some desperate bid for her to listen to reason. But I looked into her eyes and I saw some sort of conviction – something that told me anything I said would, at this rate, be useless. I felt no words come to my lips even though my mind thought up of a million things to say. I wanted to tell her to stop and reconsider; I didn't agree with that conviction in her eyes. She'd be hurt. Discovered. Alice was pushing them down a course that could only realistically end in disaster.

But nothing came.

Jenny picked up in my silence, her expression lightening up. "I'm glad you picked up on that, actually, because... that's what I came to talk to you about. Alice is anxious to know about what you think too, now. Have you... like, made up your f*****g mind, man?"

I finally sat down, the urge to argue quickly leaving me as the topic changed. "I thought about that in detail last night after hearing that. And I'm sorry, Jen... I really am sorry, but I think I'm going to bear the simulation. I can't escape. It's... It's too risky."

I expected Jenny to get flustered over that again. I really expected her, for a second, to throw up her arms and scream at me that I didn't understand, I was letting them control me, that I just needed a bit more time, or something, just something degrading like that. I don't know why her response took me off-guard, but it did.

"...I understand, Jackson," Jenny said, her voice surprisingly melancholic.

I closed my eyes and let my breath pass through my grit teeth, almost wistfully at this point. "I'm sorry, man. I am."

"Don't apologize," Jenny said, trying to manage a smile. "I know this is imposing to you, Jackson. I... I don't want you to make a decision you don't want."

Wow. One sentence and I was already starting to value Jenny's opinion over Alice's.

"I'm going to do one thing, though," I said, suddenly. "I'm gonna listen to your advice. I'm not gonna take any more s**t from Mom and Dad. When I get home, I'm going to talk to them, and damn sure I'm going to make them listen."

Now Jenny was smiling. She put a hand on my shoulder and she nodded, vigorously. "You do that, man. Don't f*****g let them use your as their footrest. Goddamn, man, take this chance and run with it. I don't want to see you be a f*****g tool any more than I do. You've got even less reason to be here than I do."

"I won't take it lying down," I said. "I promise. When are you going to escape?"

"A few days before the simulation starts, I'm planning," Jenny said. "So I've got some time to plan yet. Alice is going to help me on that end."

I looked down at the mention of Alice's name. "Just... be careful, alright?"

"Obviously," Jenny snickered. "I'm not going into this with no clear knowledge of what the f**k the risks are."

"Good, Jen," I said. "Keep well. I really hope things go as good as they can for you."

Jenny's face brightened up and she extended her hand for a handshake. I took it and gave it a firm shake, looking up and gazing into her eyes.

"Same to you, man," she said. "Same to you."

Me and Jenny's conversation went on for another hour before Jenny excused herself back to her room. She told me Alice would probably want to see me at some time today, of course. I figured it would probably be a decent time to confront her on manipulating Jenny. I wasn't going to try to convince Jenny otherwise; manipulation or not, she truly seemed to believe this would be best for her and I felt no compulsion or urge to argue, even though my gut screamed at me to talk some sense into her. I decided I'd talk to Alice about the matter some time today and I expected Jenny would tell them that I'd peeped in on their conversation. I didn't mind, because I'd tell them anyways. I still didn't think any single thing Alice had said there was wrong. Whether or not Jenny agreed with what they'd said, it wasn't any less controlling her into doing something than the Association forcing her to participate in the program. I'd exited my room at about 12:21 PM and finally gotten something to eat at the cafeteria. Arno and Ken were in attendance, at the same place they always sat at. Daria wasn't; I hadn't seen her for a while. I was hungrier than I anticipated and helped myself to some pizza, something filling but something I could take out of the cafeteria. Alice wasn't at the cafeteria and I decided to just go to their room. Conveniently enough, it wasn't far off from Jenny's. All the rooms in the Nest were mostly identical, anyhow; same layout, same computers, same beds, everything. We were allowed to personalize them to whatever extent we were comfortable, obviously. Most people just left their stuff around everywhere, something which caused staff hell when they came in to clean. I strode up to their door, resisting the temptation to knock on Jenny's as I customarily did when I was around this area, and walked down the hall to Alice's door. Alice's room was on the left side of the hall at the very end of it; a minute-and-a-half walk from the cafeteria. I sighed, the tray of pizza in hand, and I gave their door a little rap.

No reply.

I waited for a bit, impatiently shuffling my feet, before knocking again, louder. There wasn't any reply. There was no indication that they were in the room; no noise, no reply, no "just a second" or anything of the sort. Even if they were in the bathroom, I'd expect them to at least call out. If they were showering, I likely would have been able to hear it. I heard nothing. I gave up after the third knock, reasoning they were probably doing something else. I pressed my head back up to Jenny's room. No sound within. I didn't think it was worth much of the effort to pester Jenny about where they might have been, anyways; it wasn't exactly urgent and I suspected I would've bumped into them regardless. I popped by the cafeteria to check there. They weren't anywhere in sight. Arno and Ken were still quietly chattering to themselves and a few more applicants – Penny and another woman I recognized as Gladys Steele, #85 – had taken a seat inside, but Alice wasn't among them. I quickly finished up my pizza and doffed the tray back onto the rack in the cafeteria, where I was supposed to, before deciding "screw it" and heading back to my room. I felt in the mood for a swim tonight. Maybe they'd join me there. I wasn't exactly sure what Alice did when they weren't with me; sans the occasional movie, swim, or chat with another applicant, they were quiet on their private habits. I folded my hands in the baggy pockets of my trousers and left back to my room, hurrying myself. The presence wasn't any weaker. I think it was getting stronger, actually. I got back to my room, cracked open the door, and prepared to just lie down in bed and stretch my legs for a little bit to just relax my mind a bit.

Alice was sitting on my bed.

Their arms were folded and they were looking down at the ground, at first, letting their feet hang, until they heard the knob turn and the door open. The first thing I saw as I entered my room was their pale form turning to face me, and I nearly jumped out of my goddamned skin. I thought I'd seen an actual phantom for a second. As my heart-rate increased by a few beats per minute and I tried to get my scattered breath back, Alice gave a smile that seemed significantly colder than what I was used to.

"Hi, Jackson," they said. Their voice sounded as genuine and innocent as ever, but I was starting to see through whatever mask they were upholding and I detected a note of subtle insincerity – that ulterior motive I'd suspected them of having prior – within. I didn't know what that motive was. I didn't even know if they even had my best interests at mind.

I closed the door behind me as Alice turned to face me, still sitting down. I narrowed my eyes at them. "...What are you doing here, Alice?"

"Came to see you," they said, without a shred of hesitation. If anything, that was honest. "You weren't here. So I just decided to wait. Were you getting lunch?"

I nodded, taking an uneasy step towards them and sitting myself down in the chair at the desk. "Uh-huh... Did Jenny talk to you recently?"

"Not since last night," Alice said. "You seen her yet?"

"She saw me," I said. "She came to my room. Just like you."

"Oh," Alice said, not even seeming surprised. "What a coincidence, huh?"

I continued to stare at them, half-bewildered and half-cautious on whatever they were here for. "...Tell me about it."

"Suppose I should tell you why I'm here at such short notice," Alice begun. "You see, I-"

"You had a talk with Jenny last night," I interrupted. "I know you did. And I heard every word. Jenny knows."

Alice's smile left their face. "You eavesdropped?"

"Yeah," I said. "I'm not happy with what I heard, Alice."

Alice seemed genuinely distraught over hearing that. "Why not, Jackson? I helped her come to a decision."

"No, you made them come to a decision," I said. "I heard everything you said. It was manipulation, Alice. What were those little words you capped it off with? 'Unless you're content with being a tool?' That wasn't healthy encouragement, Alice. That was prematurely forcing them to a decision I now realize is dangerous."

"Manipulation to you, maybe," Alice said, not bothering to sugarcoat what they'd said or even defend themselves, "but I was stating what both me and Jenny saw as truth. She wasn't acting on it anymore, so I gave her the initiative."

"You're a hypocrite, Alice," I said, my tone becoming a little bellicose. "You're acting like you're here to help us come to the decisions we want. But you manipulated Jenny with wordplay into putting herself into a risky situation – just like the Association, or her father, or what have you. You should have just given her time to make her own choice, but no. Why is it so important to you that we escape?"

Alice stood up and sighed, folding their hands behind their back. "I've said this before, Jackson. I like taking what people subconsciously want and bringing it up. That's what I've been doing to you and Jenny. I don't want to see you two fail to act on what you truly want. You don't need to be here, either of you. I want what's best for you."

"Best for us?" I said, throwing up my arms. "Alright, listen, Alice. I've been thinking about this – hard – and tell me this. What's 'best' about throwing ourselves into a risky situation which can only realistically end in us detained or in an undesirable situation? Say Red Clover doesn't find us, for whatever reason. Where would we go? What would we do after? Would we call our bloody parents and just go, 'nyah, joke's on you?' How does any of this work to our benefit?"

"I thought that was all up for you to decide," Alice said. They gave me a look which made my eye twitch.

"Alice..." I pleaded, "just think about this practically for a second. Don't you care about what might happen to Jenny? She could get hurt, for God's sake..."

Alice remained frighteningly aloof. "I'm expecting she won't. If she does, that's her problem – not mine."

That was it.

"Alright, then," I said. "You want to motivate her into escaping? You don't care if she gets hurt because of what you made her do? Fine with me. That's just goddamned peachy. I'm not going, Alice. Maybe you think we want to do this, but it's not want we need."

Alice frowned again. "That's disappointing, Jackson. I really thought you would have liked to join her."

"Well, you thought wrong," I said. "Now get the f**k out of my room and stay out."

Alice winced a bit at my pinpoint use of the F-word and quietly shuffled out of my room. They gave me one last glance as they opened the door and walked out.

They were still smiling.