Before Heaven

Chapter 9

VIII

Five-and-a-half weeks in.

Almost nothing out of the ordinary had happened since my talk with Chayne. At the absolute worst, I'd briefly been accosted by another applicant – #82, a young Scot named Penny Lakane. She'd had gentle amber eyes and soft blonde hair, and something of a messy red blouse with a few spatters of paint on it. Penny was an artist with a liking for the canvas; she liked paint, watercolor, colored pencils, Crayola, anything she could get her ideas to the page with. She was damn talented, too; she showed me a few of her pencil sketches from within her art book and they were vivid. There was a really good sketch of a butterfly with detailed patterns on its wings juxtaposed against the image of a sun rising over the horizon to give the impression the butterfly was giant. Penny cheerfully stated she wanted to paint that one because she knew just the right colors to use for the wings. I didn't question her. Aside from that, Penny had confronted me on the usual; I was, in fact, the son of the famous Ice Couple, as had now been mentioned to be somewhere around a million times. I couldn't even sum up any hatred for that anymore; whether it was recognizing me from the cover of a tabloid magazine, some crappy yellow journalism outlet, or simply through recognition of my pretty distinctive last name, everyone seemed to pick up. Some didn't care, others seemed honored to make my acquaintance. Ken was still antsy as all hell about approaching me through the conversations I'd had with Arno – or whatever they were, because Arno usually just stuttered out three or four sentences before walking off – and I still barely understood why. Penny, at the least, was impeccably polite. Well-mannered, vigorous, inquisitive but not intruding, and generally possessed of an air that warmed her up to me fast. She was a far cry from Billy and Leliah, whom I was now calling Bre'r Bear and Bre'r Fox. They were apparently harassing other applicants now against the wishes of most of the Red Clover supervisors. Ash seemed to share the spirit, though. He and Billy had apparently roistered and got blisteringly drunk one night and trashed Ash's office. Both of them were requested to talk to Chayne about the incident like mischievous schoolchildren being sent to the principal's office. Penny apparently knew more about the situation than I did; apparently Ash and Billy had kept half the Nest awake and one of the security guards – named Reggie, apparently – had been found in a dazed heap with one of his teeth ajar, a bruise on his head, and an empty bottle of vodka in his hand. As bad as it was physical violence had apparently been visited on someone, I snickered a bit at that. Penny couldn't help but giggle a bit as well.

Aside from that, things had been proceeding without error. Billy returned with a pouty face back to Leliah's side after Chayne had talked to him and Ash had returned to affairs as per usual, after he'd been forced to clean his own office to his vehement displeasure. I'd shared what Penny had told me to Alice on the morning of the Thursday of the fifth week. I'd gotten a juice box and a bagel to start me off. Alice had gotten themselves, as opposed to a sugared-up latte, a thing of chocolate milk with one of those cute blue plastic curly straws. Alice sipped through the curly straw and listened to me relate to what Penny told me, and I got especially bouncy at telling them almost half the applicants had been kept up by Ash and Billy's wild ride.

"Uh-huh," they'd said, seeming bizarrely unnerved. "I think I heard them that night, you know. Someone was screaming, anyways."

"Screaming vulgarities?" I said, my tone sardonic. "Because if so, that was Ash and Billy. Right there."

Alice frowned. They didn't seem to share my humor. "No. That's the thing, Jackson. That screaming I heard didn't really sound like Ash or Billy. Someone sounded like they were genuinely in pain."

I lowered my juice box, my smile flattening a bit. "Bad dream. Someone having nightmares, maybe. The only person that got hurt during that time was Reggie, and he apparently didn't make any noise. Ash just conked him right up cold with one of those bottles."

"Maybe it was just someone having night terrors," Alice said, twirling their straw in their mouth. "Or maybe it was something more. I don't know. Sort of reminds me of what went on back home."

Now my smile died. That was concerning.

"Excuse me, there?" I said, my tone genuinely surprised. What the hell could they relate to back at home that was comparable to hellish screaming in the middle of the night?

Alice looked at their chocolate milk for a second. "Don't really want to get into it, too much. It was just what Dad was doing to Mom."

"Yikes," I said, trying to sound as lighthearted as I could out of some desperate way to pluck the conversation out from the grim turn it had taken. "Must not have been easy nights, those."

"They weren't," Alice said, a little bitterly. "Mom wasn't really good to me. But at least she tried to keep after me. Told me she loved me. Dad wasn't like that. He did... bad things to me and Mom, Jackson."

I flinched. I genuinely felt uncomfortable asking any further. Mercifully, Alice didn't elaborate – the memories of whatever their father (Sheldon, I think I recalled his name as) did to them were probably just as uncomfortable as the ones of Mom basically disowning me. Maybe even more so.

"That's one of the reasons I ran away," Alice said. "That and... well, I didn't want any restrictions on my life. I've always considered myself something of a free spirit, you know. I've always wanted to just chart my own course. But Dad was the biggest obstacle to that. He didn't respect what I wanted to do, he didn't respect my opinion, he never respected the fact that I'm not a girl and that I wasn't his plaything..."

Alice stopped for a moment. That last sentence and the sharp way they'd uttered those words was literally the angriest I'd ever heard Alice. There was still something subdued about the anger, but it had come to a brief boiling point at that moment. Alice had to pause and I found myself compelled to finish for them.

"...So you took control of your own life," I said, a little uneasy.

Alice managed a smile. "Yeah, Jackson. I removed that obstacle to my life and set out to the outdoors. It was really hard the first year, but around the second, I started getting the hang of things. And it's so good to be free, Jackson."

Alice's eyes narrowed a bit and their smile widened with a sly intent. They had their sneaky face on again, that playfully squinty-eyed look on when they started to pull up my own subconscious feelings in the middle of a conversation and tell me all about what I was feeling and what I wanted to do. The strange thing was I never once disagreed with their summation of what I was thinking inside.

"Wouldn't it be nice to just run away from your worries, Jackson?" they said. "Just jump home one day and live all by yourself?"

I scoffed. "I'm not brave enough to do that, Alice. I'm too young and the media would pick up on it way too quick. They'd scrutinize me for it and Mom and Dad would have my head for tarnishing their image."

"Understandable," Alice said, "but the thought has crossed your mind before, hasn't it? Admit it."

I nodded, looking down at my half-eaten bagel. "Yeah, Alice. But I'd never be capable of it. I don't have your resolve."

"Sure you do," Alice said, reaching over and giving me an affectionate punch on the shoulder. "If I can do it, why can't you? Besides, you and me? We're alike, Jackson. Jen too. All coincidentally cooped up in the same circumstance and the same area. Isn't that just a stroke of luck?"

Maybe it was. Maybe it was just some bad warning of what was to come. I thought of the notion of escaping my parents and ditching my parents' opulent little house with just a bag carried by a stick with me, living out on the streets of Los Angelos. I couldn't see myself doing it. I really couldn't. Even if I was just some ordinary kid nobody gave a real s**t about in the long term like Alice, I don't think I'd ever have it in me to do that. Then I remembered my current circumstance, and Jenny. She'd been hush on her plans for a bit now and it had slipped my mind to ask her more in-depth.

"What about Jenny?" I asked. "You know how her escape plans are going?"

Alice nodded. "Oh, yeah. Glad you asked. Me and Jenny are talking more seriously about that now because there isn't going to be much time left, soon. I think you should go and talk to her about that tonight, maybe. See if she's reached a decision yet. I think I'm gonna try and squeeze in one conversation before it gets dark. I might just spend the night watching Lilo & Stitch."

"You a fan of Disney?" I asked, not knowing why I was even surprised. I guess I expected their interest to be inclined to either more intellectual film or nothing at all.

Alice grinned. "Sure am. Only thing I was really allowed to watch back at home. Lilo & Stitch is my favorite."

I didn't really watch that much Disney. Admittedly, I didn't really watch enough movies, especially for the son of two bloody film producers. I wasn't exactly strange to them, but I still had a lot I need to watch. A lot. My to-watch – loosely organized – had been piling up for the past year. If I really wanted to, I could haggle Dad to get me one. One upside is that he didn't shy away from getting me random, petty little gifts. He probably considered that fair compensation for not actually paying attention to me.

"Have fun with that," I said. "Probably just gonna surf the internet more tonight, but I think I'm game to talk to Jen."

Alice smiled at that. "I'm happy to hear. You talked to them much about the escape? You on-board at all, or have you decided?"

I shrugged. It was still a lot to consider. Alice had a point that I occasionally found myself just wanting to run away from it all. The thing was I didn't think I had the resolve Alice or Jenny did. Maybe it was buried deep down there, somewhere, like Alice had told me. The longer I thought about it, the more I realized Alice was gradually digging that instinct out. The choice might have been made for me by Alice if I didn't choose soon.

What did I sincerely want to do?

I didn't know. I hadn't known for weeks. I hadn't leaned to yea or nay on it either way and I figured I'd still need a week or two to figure out. Probably more, but I didn't have an excess of time left; the date we were going to place all placed in Paradise wasn't far off from starting.

"I really don't know, Alice," I said, as honestly as I could. "It's just... God, man. It's risky business."

"But you can see the merit in it," Alice said, once again stating something I held to be true. It was bloody obvious, at this point, anyways; me and Alice had gone over the subject numerous times. "I'd say do what you think is best, but you really don't know what is, do you?"

"Exactly that, man," I sighed.

"Maybe tonight's conversation with Jen can give you a more solid answer," Alice said. "Can't waffle on it forever, now."

They had a point. Life in Paradise, ironically, really didn't seem like it was going to be much fun. I still saw no scientific merit whatsoever in exposing live humans to the radius of Heaven's energies. That s**t would probably give us radioactive tumors – at its most benign. Once again, the money I'd receive didn't mean anything from me because I knew my parents would take most, if not all of it. The longer I thought about my parents and how I was being used, the more I wanted to escape. The more I considered the situation practically, the more I wanted to just stay. Emotion versus reason was a hell of a battle.

"I know," I finally said in response after some hesitation, during which Alice finished up their chocolate milk. "I know. It's just hard crap to process. But... maybe me and Jen can reach some form of a consensus tonight. Just maybe."

"That's the spirit," Alice said, getting up and briefly leaving the table to toss their empty chocolate milk carton away and keeping the curly straw sticking out of their mouth like some sort of cute cigar. "Just try to find out something that works for both of you."

I nodded, pausing to myself and just looking at my half-eaten bagel which smelled strongly of cream cheese I'd slathered all over it. I didn't really have the motivation to eat right now. I wanted to get into bed and wake up at home. Maybe somewhere better. A lot better. One part of me told me trying to flee the island the Nest was on would just result in Red Clover detaining me and Jenny and giving us up to be completely screwed over, placing me in a worse situation than I could be in. The other part of me told me this was perfect way to stick it to the old man, and when and if they found me, I could use that position to tear them down and actually assert myself. One stance was more realistic than the rest. I wanted to believe in sticking it to my jackass parents, though. It was a powerful motivation; if it wasn't so strong, I wouldn't have even been considering escaping as strongly as I was.

Alice noticed I was gazing emptily down at my bagel and they leaned down at me with an awkward half-smile. "I can leave you alone to think for a bit, if you want," they said. "You might need it. I've got some stuff I need to do in a bit, anyways."

I looked up at them, my attention diverted from the bagel. "What all could you possibly have to do here?" I said.

Alice gave a clever smile, full of intentions and secrets I yearned to know but couldn't figure out. "That's for me to know and you to maybe find out one day. Just maybe, Jackson."

I rolled my eyes. As genuine as Alice was with their support, they had an annoying habit of being vague as all hell with really certain things. Their actual motivations were still cloudy to me; they'd professed they'd just wanted to help me and dig up my "subconscious intentions" but some part of me had some suspicion of an ulterior motive. That was probably just paranoia talking and me being overly suspicious; foggy as some of the things they did and said were, they still seemed eager and willing to help. I appreciated them for that.

"Alright, Alice. Whatever," I said, looking back at the clerk manning the cafeteria stand and then back at Alice. "Go solve your mysteries. See you around."

Alice chuckled in good humor and turned to leave the cafeteria, waving at me with a smile. "See you, Jackson."

Alice left the cafeteria, the curly straw still poking out of their mouth and still wet with a bit of chocolate milk at the end not in between their teeth. As Alice folded their hands primly behind their back and paced out of the cafeteria, I saw Arno, Ken trailing behind him like some nervous chihuahua, enter the cafeteria just as Alice walked out. I saw them exchange a glance; all I saw was the back of Alice's head, but I saw Arno's eyes flick over to them and his pudgy face pale a little from some unseen expression Alice had presented. Arno stood in place for a little bit before he walked into the room, carrying a new aura of nervousness with him. I hadn't even noticed he wasn't in the cafeteria like he usually was; Daria was nowhere to be seen, either. I fully expected him to walk over to me and lean his hefty body down to me to say a few more puzzling things before getting his breakfast and silently talking with Ken.

Arno didn't so much as approach me. He did give me a look, and his eyes were haunted. They seemed so fearful of something. I think, silently, he was trying to warn me of something through his terrified expression alone. I just saw his face and thought of one word, almost like he'd placed it in my head: beware.

What the hell had he seen?

Breakfast and the rest of the day went over painlessly. I just got a bag of popcorn as my "lunch" from one of the vending machines and got supper late at the cafeteria, again. I didn't bother keeping in the cafeteria; it was totally vacant except for myself and the clerk. There was an ominous ambiance about the cafeteria when it was deprived of noise and people chattering about in it. It was the same with the rest of the Nest; when I walked down a vacant hallway, I felt uneasy, on edge, paranoid that the lights would flicker off and I'd be fumbling around in the dark. More so, when there was nobody else to focus on, I felt a general sense of something wrong in the Nest. It was almost like some vague, omnipresent presence watching me wherever I went. It was hard to place my finger on what it was, exactly. Just some muted wrong in the world, some sort of anomaly in reality I could just barely feel. I didn't want to question it. I feared that if I wondered about it too much, I'd simply drive myself to even further fear and refuse to walk down the hallway without someone like Alice accompanying me.

It was 8:43 PM when I finished the tray of spaghetti I'd taken for my supper. I halfheartedly placed the tray on top of one of the plastic garbage cans around the Nest, hoping someone would find and attend to it. I just wanted to get back to my room; there was nobody to be seen or heard, the presence was a bit more noticeable than usual, and the entire place was a lot more quiet and ambient than it typically was. I wasn't going back, however, without first talking to Jenny. I wanted to get a final decision to what I was going to do so this would stop nagging and barking at the back of my head like a dog yanking on its leash. I made my way to Jenny's room, nobody – no security, no supervisors, employees, applicants, anyone – on my way there, the nervous feeling in my gut whirling around my heart like some sickening hurricane. The spaghetti wasn't helping; the stuff in the cafeteria was usually okay at best, but I sincerely think the sauce the chef used to make that s**t was toxic. The taste of it hung at the back of my tongue, pestering me. I finally reached Jenny's room, and I took a swift breath in, reasoning I could ease up my nerves a bit by talking to her. I wouldn't be alone for a bit, and after that, I could retire to my room for the rest of the night. I got to her door and approached it.

"What do you mean, there's no time left? We've got two-and-a-half f*****g weeks until we start."

Jenny's voice suddenly sounded from the other room and made me freeze up. She was already engaged in conversation with someone.

"Jackson's already talked to me about this," came the reply. "And you know we can't wait forever. He's dawdled on this for long enough. So it's time for you to make your decision."

Alice. They'd beaten me here.

I felt barging in on the conversation would be something of an intrusion, so I pressed myself up to the door and hushed my breath, eavesdropping on every word said.

Jenny sighed. "I don't f*****g know, Alice. Yeah, Dad pissed me off back there, but-"

"No more buts," Alice said, their voice cold. "You seize control of what you want. And I know exactly what you want, Jen."

Here we went again.

"I can see it as clearly as the words on a book," Alice said. "You still hate him for doing this. You're trying to ease the hate by offering up justifications because, after all, Charles is your father. But justifications don't equal innocence, Jen. He still signed you up for this, against your will. He's exposing you – his own daughter – to the energies of another world in an experiment you consider dangerous and amoral."

Jen's voice grew agitated in defense of Charles. "Honestly, Alice, what f*****g choice did he have here?"

"What choice did you have?" Alice said in reply, almost instantaneously. They said it so fast I swear they'd prepared the line. Jen stopped talking and Alice seized their chance. "You have no say. You haven't had any say in this. You're being used as a puppet, Jen. A tool. A pawn. A means to an end. The people in the Association don't care about you; to them, you're just some fancy miracle for them to exploit to their own will. Doesn't that make you feel angry?"

Jen's reply was significantly more hushed. "Alice... What about the f*****g Phantom?"

"They can find a cure through other means," Alice said. "That's why they're hosting this experiment. They're going to be building so much on this and it's going to lead to a cure, or something equally great. But you were never meant to be a part of this, Jen. They just slapped you on at the last minute. You don't need to be a part of this. Only we can see that."

Jenny, once again, was silent.

"If you escape," Alice continued, "and dodge the consequences – and I'm confident that you can and that you will – then you can use your own voice to speak up for once. What you do from there is your choice. But I know what you want right here, right now, is to gain your own voice and to gain your own say in what is and what isn't. Am I right?"

"...Yes," came Jen's hushed reply.

"Both you and Jackson are like me," Alice said. "I was tethered once by people who told me to do everything that was asked of me without question. But I broke free of that tether, Jen. I'm unfettered. And I want you and Jackson to be free of those chains, too. Now's your chance to start speaking your mind. So... what say you? Forget what the old man says. He's impeding you. Does an escape sound like a fruitful plan to you?"

Jen was silent for a bit. I swear I could feel Alice smile through the door and they spoke one more sentence that completely drove Jenny into compliance.

"...Unless you're perfectly content with being a tool?" Alice said, their voice almost devious. "If that's the case, don't mind me..."

"I'll do it," Jenny snapped, suddenly. "I'll f*****g do it. Watch me. Watch me."

"That's the spirit," Alice said. "This is gonna be so great, Jen. Work on convincing Jackson for me as well, would you? He told me all he'd need to affirm his decision was one more talk from you, and, well, I think he'll be stopping by tonight. Any second now."

By the time Alice had said that, I'd already slunk away, back to my room, in more dreadful thought.