Why I Love Him

Chapter Eleven

It was late in the afternoon. The evening breeze was a little harsh, blowing my teal blue hair across my face. I gave up on rearranging my hair; deciding to munch on the hotdog in my hand whenever the wind stopped blowing my hair forward for a few seconds. I was in the park with Wayne. We were both sitting side by side on one of the many wooden benches laid across the park. He was going on about something, but I wasn't really following. I was in my own head, thinking and remembering — mostly remembering.

"Johnathan," Wayne called me, making me blink before I turned to look at him. He raised a brow at me, a concerned look plastered on his face. I shook my head at his question muttering an apology for spacing out. I've been doing that all afternoon, and I guess my mood was sucking the fun out of everything.

"What were you thinking about?" Wayne asked as I rested my back on the bench and let out a sigh. I was in a black sweater and faded blue skinny jeans. Wayne was in jean shorts and a sun shirt, and I wondered why he was not complaining about being cold. It was a cloudy day with chilly winds.

"Nothing important," I replied. "I was just thinking about how we met," I elaborated, making Wayne let out a small 'oh' as his facial expression changed as he went quiet before looking down at the grass.

I'm not sure why I've been thinking of that college party — where we officially met — but that's all that's been on my mind for some time. I thought about it when I was at home by myself, I thought about it when I was working, and I thought about it when hanging out with Wayne.

I remembered that night too well. It was an open party that anyone could attend. I hadn't planned to go at first, but I remember walking past Wayne and his friends. He mentioned he was going, and that was all it took to make me consider going. I hated parties, but I was a stupid freshman with a crush on a guy I had met at orientation — Wayne.

Then I didn't know his last name, and I only knew his first name because of the orientation roll call we had for about two weeks. I just liked the way he stood out in the crowd and goofed around. I liked the fact that despite being so social he was also very smart. He was the top of the dean's list. My plan was to go to the party, hang around in the shadows, watch Wayne, then slip away before things got crazy and someone had to call the paramedics because of alcohol poisoning. I had never expected to be pulled out of the crowd and taken out to the back by Wayne himself. I hadn't expected him to kiss me and hold my hand until I agreed to give him my number, and when I slept that night, I hadn't expected to wake up the next morning to realize that everything had really happened.

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The living room where most of the party was taking place was stuffy and smelled like someone mixed body odor with vomited alcohol and axe spray. I couldn't breathe, and just the stuffiness alone was making me dizzy. I shouldn't have come here. I thought as I tried to slip through the crowd. I made it to the exit, but someone took a hold of my hand and pulled me in the direction of the backyard. Startled, I was about to yell until I caught sight of the person pulling me along. At the sight of the familiar honey-colored hair, I kept quiet and blushed instead.

Is he drunk? I wondered, not being able to come up with any other reason why he was dragging me around. He didn't let go of me until we got to the backyard. He turned to face me with a look of determination on his face.

"You like me, don't you?" he asked — no stated as his green eyes pierced my brown ones. My lip parted, but nothing came out. I just stood there in the cold night like a deer in headlights. I thought I had been caught, and that for the next few years of my life a stupid crush was going to haunt me. Wayne was going to think I was disgusting. I was going to bullied for being gay. I—

My train of thought was halted when Wayne took my hands in his and bit down on his bottom lip as he stared at me. The wind was chilly. My hands were cold, but I couldn't will myself to move.

"I like you too," he muttered under his breath after a while. My face grew warm as he let go of my hands to take hold of my face. He leaned in, closing his eyes as he connected out lips — kissing me softly. The loud music from the party mixed with screaming college students served as a background buzz as he kissed and moaned into each other's mouths.

And right there and then, at that moment, I was truly happy.

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"The party?" Wayne asked, pulling me out of my memories. I turned to him, staring at him in confusion, wondering what he was talking about. "The day we met. The party," he repeated, and I let out an 'oh' before nodding.

"That's not when he met though. I guess it's where we met-met, but not met," he said, confusing me. I frowned at him a little, wondering where he was going with this. "We met at orientation, but the party was the first time we talked," Wayne explained, making my eyes go wide. I didn't know he had noticed me during orientation. I thought I was invisible in the crowd since I wasn't very social. I thought he had just noticed me somewhere at the start of the semester when I was being a creep and staring at him whenever I got the chance.

"I really wish I had gone about things differently back then," Wayne muttered, looking over at me with a sad smile. "Well, there's no need wishing now. The past's the past," he said, getting up from the bench. I got up too, wondering where he was going to. I finished the last bit of my hotdog, wrapping the paper wrapping it came in before tossing it in the dustbin by the park bench.

I followed Wayne down the path, passing the small playground on our way. He started talking about random things again, but it seemed forced like he was trying to push something to the back of his mind.

I stopped walking when I noticed this, making Wayne stop in his tracks too, before turning to look at me with a raised brow. We were alone now — somewhere on the path along the park gardens.

"What's on your mind?" I asked, making Wayne's eyes go wide before he looked down at the dirt path.

He sighed, rubbing the back of his neck with his knuckles. "Sometimes I'm not sure if I deserve the second chance, you're giving me," he said in a low tone before frowning a bit. "Every time I think back to our relationship in the past there's really nothing, I can say I'm proud of. I was so scared of being outed. I was so scared that I hurt you to make sure that never happened..." he trailed, sighing again before walking around in a small circle and looking up to the sky.

"You didn't deserve any of the s**t that happened to you because of me," he mumbled, and I just stared at him, not knowing how to respond to that. "You know. I used t think I had it worse than you. You weren't exactly out, but you weren't afraid to express yourself. The hair dying, the clothes, the makeup, the nail polish — I thought just standing next to you would give away the fact that I was gay," he said, chuckling a bit under his breath.

"Imagine that, even when people were picking on you for all that, I was still thinking about me," he sighed, shaking his head.

"I was jealous of the fact that you were out to your family while I was struggling to keep my secret. You were getting bullied, your university life was s**t, and all I could think about constantly was making sure I didn't get outed," he mentioned as I took small steps towards him. When I was right in front of him, I stared at him for a while before pulling him in for a hug. He tensed up a bit, but soon relaxed and hugged me back.

"I'm such a shitty person," Wayne continued to ramble, muttering a string of words afterward that I couldn't pick up. My eye widened in surprise when I heard a low sob come from him as he heaved in my arms.

He was crying.

And there was nothing I could do but hold him. After a while, Wayne pulled himself away from me. He gave me a small smile, running the side of his hand down my cheek as I stared up at him. His tears were caked up around his eyes. His eyelashes still had a few stray drops.

"I'm okay, don't look at me like that," he said, making me blink.

"Johnathan."

"Hmm?"

"I'm never going to hurt you again. I promise."

My heartbeat quickened at his words. I looked at him, turning my gaze away when I concluded that his stare was too intense. He hummed, reaching out to hold my chin before turning my face so that I could look at him. His hair was a mess from the wind, and his eyes were a little tired looking from crying, but he looked breathtaking. He always looked breathtaking to me.

"I love you so much," he said, making my heart swell as I stared at him. I couldn't say it back. At least not yet. I still had a lot to process and think about, so instead, I reached out my hands to cup Wayne's face before pulling him down until our lips met. A low moan vibrated through him, and I sighed into the kiss, pulling away to stare at him. We looked at each other for a while. Wayne's hands moved to my waist, pulling me flat against him.

"I know all those times years ago when I would tell you I loved you seemed like a reason to excuse my behavior because I only said it when you were on the verge of leaving me. I promise when I say it now it's not selfishly motivated. I don't want to take things from you and make you suffer through being with me. I want to give you as much as possible and make sure you're happy," Wayne mumbled, leaning in enough that our foreheads touched, and our breaths fanned each other's face.

"So, take your time. I'll wait," he said before smiling at me. He closed the gap between our lips, kissing me again.

I want to believe him so much.

I want to get to the point where I can love Wayne without being afraid.