Dead or not

Dead or Not

Each morning I woke up,I check my heart beat to make sure am still breathing. Not that my parents impose their choice of career on you though they normally do have influence on it but mine is different. Am a special child,not that I had any form of deformity but when I was a baby I had RTF (respiratory track infection). Though treated but a respiratory problem is a respiratory problem and sometimes it surfaces. There was a time it was so serious that I couldn't breath and it's late in the night around 10pm.My brother had to go into the neighbouring estate to look for drug store but found none open cos its already late. I managed to survive the night with my head raised on an improvised pillow. I was practically living on ventolin pill until my elder sister bought me the inhaler. Though am not asthmatic but I must tell you my condition is worst than that of an asthmatic patient. Getting angry is punishing yourself for another person's fault I always reminded myself when all these tried to get to me,what about my health can I blame anybody except God. My two elder ones are both girls so that makes do for my calm nature and I also come from a near to seminary school do that explains my gentle,coordinated,well behaved,soft spoken and above all my introverted ness and that's where I didn't appreciate St. Charles kind of training but am proud of being a SCOBA. My best year was 2014/15 academic year,then am in control of my own s**t unlike now. I had always wanted to be a Roman catholic priest in fact that's the only profession that had ever made sense to me. I never see myself going to college. I've wanted to switch yo seminary school after my junior waec but my parents prove it abortive,well I still had a chance of switching after my senior Waec and that believe kept me going. When I finished my secondary education and checking all my available options on switching to a seminary school. My elder sister was of great help until my dad it continued to be a dream that never come true. From them,my dad and I have not enjoyed father-son relationship,what I owe him is just greeting and nothing more. As for my mum,typical African woman that always stands by her husband even if she's hurting her any other person,her kids not withstanding,well that's her story. I love my mum so much and it's a problem to me,she's the only lady in my life. I know she prefers my agile immediate younger brother to a cold blooded being like me but that not a problem. In fact I've never talked to a lady outside of my family before and I don't know how to. Am never comfortable around people,I know am at my best when am alone but still I hated being alone cos am easily bored. Since I left school in 2017 and no one was around I was all alone at a house with no light no digital tv subscription and I think then our TV is bad,so I was practically bored and that led me to being sexually assaulted. I hate to ever mention it but a supposed to be brother assaulted me sexually cos I came to his shop to find work. It started with him liking me but me being a novice I thought it was just normal being cool with someone. He will kiss my at the back of my neck without me knowing. One day he asked me to sweep his room (where he normally rest after the days work) for him which I complied. I waited for him outside,when he arrived he said that i should have waited inside,that was the first time I sensed danger cos there's this novel I was reading then and one man there is gay so he uses style to get what he wanted from unsuspecting young innocent boys. I waved it away cos like I said he's a brother from one of the centers in honour of st. Mary,he even founded one group In the center in the whole of Onitsha Archdiocese so on a normal that kind thing is not possible. One fateful day he asked me to sweep the room which I did ,he went inside lying on the bed tried to persuade me to sleep but I insisted I don't sleep in the afternoon,then he was dragging me by the hand,well because I lack will power he managed to unzip me and played with my p***s till I was able to convince him I don't do siesta and so he let me go. He's not the first guy that tried to lay with me neither is he the last guy,I kept on getting advances from older men. Sometimes I wonder why guys see me that way,I had wanted to ask my mum if am gay but nay I stopped myself from it.