Dead or not

Every time I've been having this weird thought,when to die and how to die. Not because am really afraid of death am not in fact I've never been the last time I remember. All that really matter to me make me more money i call it 'get rich die young'. Maybe cos I was born poor and I hated the idea of it. I don't know but I just wanna enjoy life in the remaining days Ill sojourn this world before I bid it my final goodbye. Well I wasn't interested in becoming a rich mogul but as afar as I get enough for myself am contended,I kind of disliked or not have regard of poor people.I hate to be reminded that am one of them so I know I've got to do something extraordinary or end up as my parents who seem to be comfortable with the little they earning. Actually both of them are civil servants that put in their best in their respective works mum's a teacher and dad's an officer at correctional service,by the end of the month what they are given is not commensurate to their input,they are OK or feign to be with the penny they go home with every month end. Well that's their problem all I know is that I can't live that life so I got to do anything necessary to avoid the path they chose which they are trying to choose for me. 'I will never be a teacher I had shouted at my mum and angrily left the house'.I want to be artiste or join any of the entertainment industry but o know they will never understand,my mum's too religious and moral conscience so that's a no no for her,dad's too conservative and believes too much in community bullshit and village politics which is absurd to me,am not a local boy so I can't to drag to any local s**t or I leave the house for them. Sometimes I wonder if dad ever think of having a drake or juice wrld as a son,obviously am being delusional but that's the life I wanted for myself. I know I needed to break free from my stronghold and let me be me but I just can't. I loved my both parents regardless though my idea of them loving me back is jot what am getting nonetheless I know they love me too. Whenever I get the idea of leaving home,something always draws me back. I always feel like I want to abandon them like am that horrible of a child even though am the black sheep of the family and I know it. Can they ever think of me the way I thought of them? sometimes I wonder. All I do is fake smile and live the moment even though I feel like suffocating being with people that don't understand me. I know I put people's feelings ahead of mine that I have weak emotions I've been like that all my life and am stingy to myself I needn't my pals to remind me of my weakness they do most times and I appreciate their caring. I don't want to believe that nobody loves that am the giver and everyone is the receiver so whenever these thoughts pops up no my mind,I waved it behind me. I've been rapping underground but nobody notices me but it's OK,I've got community in the mobile music studio that am using,they are the ones that keeps me going. What my family can't do for me,unknown guys keep doing it for me though their help is limited but still am grateful. 'Why is it that nobody knows who I am in my neighborhood' sometimes I wondered. I know am quiet but it's worst when your own parent's don't even believe in you. It's like they are imposing their thoughts on me like am a robot or some sort of. 'Why can't I be a man of my own independent of my parents,even my immediate younger brother is more independent than me,I don't even have my own say in what goes on in my own life, am that type. Am a nerd so to say,alone boy full of empty dreams. I couldn't even dream again, am just existing and not living. Could it be that God made a mistake creating me or he created me without a plan,I feel like am created for no reason like am just occupying space and am better off dead. They call me ambition less without actually understanding why am indifferent to things. I was last happy on 2017 that was when I finished my high school.Since them life have never made sense to me again,am still alive because it will be selfish of me to take my own life cos like I said I love both my parents and siblings alike. Mid last year I had entered college together with my brother but only to get away from my family but then the suicide feelings worsens. Coupled with the fact that we are penniless our room is so suffocating that sometimes I can't breath even there's cross ventilation in the room. I hate my life or am everything I hate either of them explains my situation. Now we are on strike and am being forced to accept that very teaching that I detest. I've forgotten what it actually feels like to laugh out loud be happy. That inner joy have continued to elude me,peace of mind none existence in my life,my night is filled with sorrows,unshed tears continued to form in my eyes, Words could not escape my mouth,my heart is heavy,who will ever listen to my untold story?

In all this just as a lamb led to slaughter I dare not utter a word.