Fight or Flight

Chapter 3 -Truth is out

Leah’s POV

‘Leah! What are you doing here?’ Kai stopped what he was doing as soon as he saw me, and I knew there was no going back now.

I had to find my big girl pants and grow some balls. Of course, he is going to be happy for me. Positive thinking. This is going to go well.

I smiled ‘Hey, I um, need to tell you something’

Shit. That was not positive or chilled, he probably thinks I am about to say something awful now. I need to fix this. ‘Nothing bad, just, I wanted to talk to you about something, that’s all’.

He stopped what he was doing, and it was clear he was worried. I mean, I was with him all weekend and only left him this morning.

If it wasn’t anything to worry about, why did I wait until now to tell him. This was not going well… and I haven’t even said anything yet.

‘Ok babe, what is it?’ I could hear the nerves in his voice.

I didn’t want to prolong this for either of us, so I just blurted it out after I shoved the wrinkled leaflet in his hands.

‘My college tutor said I should apply; it would be good for job applications and good experience’.

I let him read the leaflet with the basic details on it.

‘Ok, so are you going to apply?’

‘Um, I already did’ now I was nervous, I couldn’t gauge his responses ‘I probably won’t even get a place’.

‘So, when do you find out?

‘This coming week sometime’

‘This week? Leah, when did you apply?’

‘Just over a week ago’ I bit my lip and couldn’t look him in the eye, I was crashing and burning.

He looked upset ‘And you waited to tell me now because…?’

‘I wasn’t even going to apply. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to do it. I’m still not sure. I didn’t want to tell everyone I may be leaving for 6 weeks if I didn’t get it or decided not to go. But I realised that it would be worse if I did get in and did decide to go and hadn’t mentioned it at all. I’m sorry Kai, I should have told you’.

‘Well yeah, Leah, we are meant to be a team, a partnership. This is a big deal; you shouldn’t have kept it from me’.

‘I know, I was just, worried, I guess’.

‘I am here to share your worries, Leah. Why wouldn’t you want to go?’

‘I’ve never been on a plane, lived away from home, been abroad, been apart from my family, my friends and mostly, you. I’m scared. It would be easier if I didn’t get in. Decision made for me then’ I shrugged.

‘Really? I’m not buying it, yes, all those things are scary, but they are amazing life experiences that given the opportunity you should snatch up. As an artist, work life is going to be tough. Take every opportunity you can to get the upper hand. If you didn’t want to do this, you wouldn’t have applied’.

Deep down, I knew he was right, I felt like a child being scolded. But then, I was acting like a child, so I guess I deserved it.

‘Own it, Leah. You should have told me before now. I am happy you may get this opportunity, and if you are accepted, I think you shouldn’t hesitate to accept the place, this is an amazing opportunity, and I will support you no matter what. But I am disappointed you didn’t tell me sooner and I am upset you felt you couldn’t. This is a big deal; you should have included me’.  

I swallowed hard, I was close to tears but not because he was mad, because he was right. As I tried to hold back the tears threatening to escape my eyes, I met his gaze.

Part of me wished I hadn’t, all I could see as I looked into his eyes was hurt, sorrow and disappointment. What have I done!

‘Kai, I f****d up. I handled this so badly. I was an i***t. I’m so sorry. Can you forgive me?’.

‘It’ll be fine. I just need to take it all in. It’s a lot. I’ll call you tomorrow okay’.

It was his way of telling me to leave. I felt like crap. I nodded in understanding and walked away. I got into my car and drove away as I allowed the tears to freely flow down my face.

Well, that was a disaster, and not for any of the reasons I thought. f**k.

We had just had our first fight and it was my fault.

I could not feel worse.

Oh, wait, yes I could, I have to tell my parents now. I very easily could feel worse. I’m just hoping it goes better than it did with Kai. Here goes.

I took in a deep breath and walked into the house as I wiped the moisture from my face. There was no hiding the tear stains and puffy red eyes though.

Mum was in the kitchen busy at the cooker, with her back to me. Not a hair out of place and her two piece skirt suit in pristine condition.

‘Hey sweetie, your late today, dinner won’t actually be that long’ she called out.

‘Ok’ I croaked, and she turned around to see the mess that was me.

‘Oh my! Leah, whatever is the matter sweetie?’

‘Is dad here?’

‘Um, yes, he’s just upstairs getting changed’ she looked at me quizzically.

‘Ok, I have something I need to tell you both’.

‘Oh my god, Leah, are you pregnant!?’

‘What! Leah, your pregnant?’ my dad asked as he reached the bottom stair.

Great, this could actually be worse than telling Kai.

‘NO!’ I shouted, ‘I am NOT pregnant’.

‘Oh, Thank God’ they said in unison.

I looked at them both with exasperation.

‘What!’ mum said, ‘It would have made your life much harder than it’s already going to be Leah’.

‘What the hell is that meant to mean?’

‘Exactly what I said. You haven’t exactly made the best choices to secure your future so far Leah’.

‘What the f**k mum!’

‘Don’t speak to your mother like that!’ my dad scolded; he never usually verbally took her side, more abstained from conversation, and remained silent. Maybe I did go a step to far, but she was bang out of order. And I was raging.

‘Fine. I’m sorry for swearing’ I said with indignation, ‘But that was completely unnecessary. I am 19 years old; I am capable of making my own decisions. Especially when it comes to my career. At least I know what I want to do now. You have always been so unsupportive of me. Why?’ as I continued my tirade, my voice got louder ‘You might not like it, but you don’t have to, it’s me that’s going to have deal with whatever my choices throw my way. Not you. You’re my mother, you should support me. Dad does.’ I was shouting by the time I finished.

‘Stop being so petulant and disrespectful. Your father agrees with me, he’s just not as open with you about it as I am’.

Dad shuffled awkwardly, confrontation was not his thing, he usually backed away from it. I was like him, except when it came to mum, but this time I had had enough.  

‘Dad?’

‘Leah, this isn’t my fight’.

‘It is now, she just dragged you into it. Do you support my choice in carer or not?’

We both looked at him waiting. Fury and rage filled the air.

‘I agree with your mother, it is going to be tough for you to earn a decent living being an artist’ Mum looked smug, and I wanted to slap the look from her face. But I wouldn’t. My face fell, and I felt like everything was falling apart.

Everything I thought I knew was a lie. I knew how mum felt, and over the time I had come to accept it, although I had thought she would eventually come to support my decisions despite not agreeing with them, clearly, I was wrong. But Dad, I couldn’t believe it. I was devastated.

‘Leah, let me finish before you jump to conclusions, I know I am going to shoot myself in the foot with both of you by saying this, but no matter how hard it will be for you, I will always support your decision to do what you love. It is a brave and courageous decision to make, and I am proud of you for making it, despite what we think. I will always want what’s best for you, as your dad, that’s my job. You deserve to be happy, and if this is what makes you happy, then who am I to stand in your way’.

I ran into my dads’ arms and hugged him as the tears rolled down my face. For now, he had restored my faith in him.

‘Thanks dad’.

Mum was seething. Her jaw was clenched, and I knew she was dying to say something.

‘Oh, spit it out mum’ I spat. I couldn’t help the distain seep out in my voice.

‘You used to be a polite well-mannered and dutiful girl. I know you have been through some tough times in your life, but I thought you were better than this. I thought you had grown up. I believed and hoped that this silly infatuation with this pathetic and pointless ‘’Career’’ you so call it would have died a death by now.’ She ranted with no end in sight to her tirade of abuse.  

‘We have given you far too much freedom. You have become a spoilt, selfish, and ungrateful little girl. Your petulance is insufferable. You must act like an adult to be an adult, and you, dear child, have a lot of growing up to do. Your father is just too polite to tell you some home truths’.

‘Ok mum, well thanks for the chat. I’m hope you are glad you got that off your chest. I’ll be leaving now’ I walked out of the kitchen and made my way towards the stairs.

‘Hang on. I’m not finished!’ she fumed.

‘well, I am, I may not be an adult in your eyes mum, but I am 19, and I don’t have to stand around and listen to this bull s**t. I’m sorry dad, I love you, but it’s true. I’m done’.

‘Wait’ my dad called out and I turned around one last time ‘If you’re not pregnant, what did you want to tell us?’ he looked like he was in turmoil.

‘Sorry Dad, it no longer maters’.

I made my upstairs and he looked utterly defeated.

‘LEAH. COME BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!’ my mother screamed. I ignored her.

‘Let her go Terri, I think you both need to calm down’ dad soothed.

I wasn’t kidding when I said I was leaving. I didn’t just mean the kitchen. I meant the family home. For good. And I wasn’t coming back. How could I possibly live under same room as that woman.

She always had a controlling streak to her, but she had become so bitter and twisted. I no longer knew her. Nor did I want too.

I could hear them arguing as I took my suitcase from the top of my wardrobe and packed my stuff. I managed to fit almost everything I needed in it.

Clothes, make-up, jewellery, a few sentimental items, and practical things like my chargers. I used my weekend bag for my shoes and coats and put all my college things in my school bag and portfolio case.

I was glad I had some of my stuff at Kai’s, there was no way I would have fit it all in if I didn’t. And there was no way I was coming back here to do a second trip. However, after my conversation with Kai earlier, I wouldn’t be going there tonight either.

Although, lesson learnt, I would message him and tell him what’s happened. I don’t want him finding out from someone else.

Namely my mother who no doubt will be on the phone to Mel twisting what happened, as soon as she realises, I’ve gone. Even if he wants some space, he would be angrier if I left him in the dark. Again.