The Only One For Me

13 | Driving, Living, Slaying

It’s 4:30AM on a beautiful Monday morning, the fog is still thick and it’s still pretty dark outside. Did I mention that I’m a morning person? I am, I like being up before everyone else, I like to be able to do things without people watching me move. My sister and I are total opposites, she’s a night owl and she can stay up really late, whereas I always sleep at 9PM on a regular day, I stay up for parties, Christmas and New Year’s Eve but normally, I’m out like a light by 9PM. I woke up extra early today because Ivan is going to pick me up at 7AM and I only have 2 hours to have breakfast, bathe and get ready. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day and I do my best not to skip it. It’s actually what helps keep me fit, I eat a heavy breakfast so I have enough fuel for the day, I don’t get hungry as often but I always have a chocolate bar, crackers and a water bottle in my bag, just in case I do get hungry or thirsty.

I’m making a grilled cheese sandwich and I already have the coffee maker making coffee. I finished making my grilled cheese sandwich and coffee so I sat down by the breakfast nook by the kitchen patio to have breakfast while I take in the view that is overlooking the mountain side. The pine trees, the clouds, the grass covered side of the mountain, I love it. It’s so peaceful. I ate slowly, savoring the moment, I like the quiet. It’s just what my soul needs to be able to face the day.

When I was finished with breakfast, I loaded the dishes in the dishwasher, turned it on, and checked the time, It’s 6:00AM, I still have a lot of time to get ready.

I brushed my teeth and then jumped into the shower, and as I scrubbed my body clean, I couldn’t help but think about Odin and the time we spent together yesterday. Without even realizing it, I was touching my self… No no no no no!!! What are these thoughts?!

I finished my shower with a cold water rinse, to get rid of the lust I was feeling. I don’t want to acknowledge these feelings.

I got dressed, I put on my lucky bra and underwear, it’s the ones I always wear when I need extra luck, like for a big test or when I audition for modeling gigs. I put on my unscented body lotion with spf 50++ and then I put on denim skinny jeans, a baby pink sleeveless collared button up shirt, with 3 buttons unbuttoned to show off a little bit of cleavage and baby pink ballet flats. I put my hair up in a neat bun and secured it with pins and a baby pink satin scrunchie, I then put on my tiny diamond stud earrings, then I put sunblock on my face, made sure my eyebrows were on fleek and put on my favorite plum lip tint. I checked myself in the mirror one final time before spraying myself with my fave perfume, Acqua di Gio by Giorgio Armani. I grabbed my house keys, phone, wallet, a water bottle, cheese crackers and a Snickers bar, wipes, a hair brush and my pressed face powder, my driver’s permit, my passport and stuffed it into my baby pink lambskin backpack from Guess. Then I stepped out of the house and waited for Ivan to arrive.

I checked my watch, it was 7:03AM and still no sign of Ivan. He knows I hate waiting. 7:30AM came and I finally see him pulling up the driveway. I got into the car and as I was putting on my seat belt, Ivan turns to me and apologizes for being late. “I’m so sorry I’m late, babe,”, wait, did he call me “babe”?, “there was a little bit of traffic 4 blocks from here, there’s people fixing the pipes in the sewer or something.”, still stunned at the word babe, he never really had a pet name for me while we were together, so this was weird on every level. He put the car in first gear and slowly gets off of our driveway and into the street. I finally managed to say, “No worries.”, and I just looked at him, like I wanted to ask him about what he just called me but decided to just let it go for now. He then asked me if I was ready for the driver’s test and all that and I said I’m as ready as humanly possible. He then decides to quiz me a little bit on what traffic signs mean and when to make a full stop or a pause and we easily slid into comfortable friendship again. It feels so weird and yet so normal to still be friends with Ivan, my first ex boyfriend. I mean, before him, there was David Smith, but we were never official, we were neighbors and we grew up together but then they had to move before high school and we just drifted apart, I’ve not seen him since middle school.

Are you gay? I said it out loud without meaning to. It was just one of those nagging thoughts that come out of nowhere. I looked at him and I could see his shocked expression. I can see his knuckles turn white as he tightens his grip on the steering wheel. He let out a huge sigh and quietly said, “Yes.”.

I put my hand over his right hand that was on the gear shift and squeezed lightly, I could see him look at me through his peripheral vision but he doesn’t dare look at me straight in the eye. “I love you.”, I said to him, he smiled a little bit, the traffic light turned red and he finally looked at me and said, “I love you too.”. We both meant it, we did love each other, maybe not in a romantic way, in hindsight, I think I also always knew, because even when we kissed, it always kind of felt off. Whenever we kissed, it felt like we were both practicing, I guess it’s gross when you think about it.

We finally arrived at the driver’s licensing building, we found a parking spot right away because we were early and not a lot of people were around. I got out of the car, let out a huge sigh and I looked at Ivan, he walked over to me to give me a hug and a good luck kiss on the cheek. I hugged him tight, “I’m nervous.”, I said, he chuckled, “You’d be psycho if you weren’t, but the first time is always the hardest, you’re going to do great, don’t overthink it, just follow your gut, you’re a good driver already, you just need to get that license and be done with it.”. I gave him one last squeeze before I let go, I grabbed my bag, made sure I had my phone and nodded, signaling I was ready, and I made my way towards the building.

“Get that license, gurl!”, he shouted after me just as I was about to enter the building and I smiled to myself, thinking how amazing it is to have a best friend like Ivan.

The written test was easy, basically common sense, you just had to know not to leave the engine running when you’re fully parked and you just had to know the what the traffic signs mean and what the traffic lights represent, green for go, red for stop. The practical test was nerve wracking, the obstacle course looked complicated to navigate but I’ve driven so much in the past months anyway, I felt comfortable in the seat and I don’t think I violated any traffic or road rules. I couldn’t tell what the officer thought though, he just sat quietly in the passenger’s seat and scribbled on the paper on his clip board, I couldn’t read what he was writing, but I hope it was something good.

I parked the driving test vehicle, made sure I was in the lines, I turned off the engine and took out the keys, the officer then wrote, 98, circled it and stamped it with the word, Passed.

I was elated! We walked back into the building, we filed paper work, they took my picture, I paid the fees and within minutes, I finally had my driver’s license.

I ran out of the building, looked for Ivan, and found him in the park near the parking area, sitting on a bench, reading The Good Earth by Pearl S. Buck, a required reading in our literature class, he looked up for a brief moment and he saw me, he closed the book and put it in his bag, but he motioned for me to sit beside him on the bench. I sprinted towards him, waving my license in the air. “I passed! I passed!”, I screamed in glee. He stood up to greet me, “Yaaas, that’s my gurl!”, we laughed and hugged and I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I started to tear up, getting my license, confirming he was gay, probably a few reasons why I felt so emotional. I swallowed the lump forming in my throat and I said, “Let’s grab lunch to celebrate, my treat!”. I grabbed him by his forearm and walked towards his car. “Can I drive?”, I asked him. He looked terrified, but in the end, he let me drive his SL 500 Mercedes Benz.

I drove carefully to our favorite diner, Eats A 50’s Diner, it’s a diner with decor and furniture from the 50s with a few newer items like a billiard table and a dart board. They’re known for burgers, fries, chicken fingers and shakes but they also have fried chicken, pasta, spaghetti and mac and cheese, sodas, steak and mashed potatoes with veggies and grilled fish with mashed potatoes and veggies, apple pie al a mode, brownie a la mode and sundaes.

Finding a parking spot during lunch hour is challenging, but because we literally eat here all the time, we park in the back where the employees park, some of them don’t have cars so they let us regular customers use it, especially on busy days. I parked, turned off the engine, got out, made sure the car was locked and we made our way inside.

As soon as the doors open, you get this appetizing aroma of burgers and fried food. I always seem to be hungry whenever I’m in here. We sat at a booth near the counter, the waitress came to take our order, I got a Bacon Cheeseburger with fries, coke, caramel sundae and a side of chicken nuggets, Ivan got the steak and mashed potatoes with gravy, a strawberry milkshake and brownie a la mode. We talked about my driving test and how it was while we were waiting for our food. The food finally came and we ate and chatted about everything we can possibly think about and then the conversation suddenly became about his plans of coming out. He hasn’t come out to anyone else, just me. I completely understood him and I promised not to tell anyone, I want to give him the chance to come out on his own terms, I’m not going to ruin that for him. “Can I ask you for a favor?”, he asks, “What kind of favor?”, I asked back. “When people ask why we broke up, can you just say that you like someone else and that it’s not me?”, he said, that’s exactly what I was actually feeling, but he doesn’t need to know yet, I thought quietly in my head and I replied with, “Of course.”, he smiled at me and I smiled back reassuringly.

We were finishing our desserts when Carly and Drew walked into the diner. It looked like they were fighting, her eyes were red and puffy, it looked like she was crying, he looked really angry. Ivan and I looked at each other with a knowing look, they’ve been fighting, again and it looks like they skipped school again. We both probably thought without even expressing the words out loud. “Should I go over and say hi to Carly?”, I asked Ivan, he nodded his head no and said, “They don’t even see us, they’re obviously caught up in their own world, let’s just leave them alone.”, I nodded. I glanced at Carly one more time, if she sees me, I’d have yo acknowledge her, I thought to myself, she never looked at me, she never noticed me. She ordered their food from the counter, Drew was just by her side, but they weren’t touching, their food arrived in less than 15 minutes and they left as hastily as when they came in. Ivan and I watched through the window as they got into Drew’s car and they sped off.

After lunch, Ivan took me home and he stuck around quite a bit and we did our homework together and worked on the lessons we missed that day. Ivan left to go home around 6PM. I took an hour nap and then my sister woke me up for dinner.

After dinner, I showered, prepped my things for the next day, brushed my teeth, did my skin care, cleanse, tone, serum, moisturize, and got into bed.

I checked my phone, it was 8:45 PM, and I had 3 missed calls from Odin and a text message, “How was your day? Did you get your license?”. I texted him back, “Got it! Of course I got it, did you think there was a possibility that I would fail?!”. He texted me back, “No offense but, you’re a decent driver, but not a great one.?”. I replied with, “Ugh, whatever, good night!”.