Falling like the Stars

I

My back lay flat in a white bed and there was a man on top of me, in between of my thighs. I'm clutching his dark hair as I moaned loudly. He slammed his mouth against mine in a hurry. I moaned and he took it as a entrance. He kisses me slowly, as if I am fragile. 

He broke the kiss, I whimper at the lost of our physical contact. He turns to lay on his back and moves me on top of him. He stares at me, as if I'm the most beautiful creature he has ever seen. I stare back deeply into his eyes, and begun to rock him greedily. He grabbed both of my hands in his, and pulls me down. My mouth landed on his. Devouring his mouth, feeling his cold and slippery tongue against mine. Tasting the cold, mint with the combination of red wine from him.

“My love” He utters under his breath, his voice husky.

“You’re mine. You heard me?” He said again.

“Yes, I’m yours.” I said. My voice full of promise.

I gasped as I woke up panting. My breaths were heavy and I'm soaking wet.

"Not again." I muttered to myself, referring to my constant dreams with a man I have never even met. It all started when I was 14 years old, I woke up panting hard in the middle of the night and find dress ruined in blood. I was an official, capable of bearing children. I called my Lady grandmother who took care of me and my sister, Anne. I was crying so hard, i thought i was going to bleed to death. She calmed me down by rubbing her wrinkled hand on my back, feeling the caress of her love that brings comfort to me. I have always been more close to her than i ever did with my own mother. She was wearing a white dress, her greyish hair was neatly combed down her back. Even though how wrinkled her face get, you can see the beauty in her.  She and my mother, had an agreement, Lady grandmother always wants to take care of me because i remind her of her own mother, who was a regnal Queen of Velmor. All of my kins from my Lady mother’s side, that i looked a lot like her and from the way i think. Lady grandmother sent my mother a letter, letting her know of my current situation. In no less than a week, she sent a reply. She bids me good health, and she was glad that i became a woman. She reminds me of my duty as woman and as a member of our noble family. 

Everytime the man in my dreams pops out in my mind, the urge is getting stronger every seconds, minutes and days. I know all of his body, face and everything. The way he smiles, and the way his dimple gets deeper every time he would smiles. Every time i get this urge, I draw his face on my notebook. In every pages of it, contains him. Everytime i would dream of him, i’d draw exactly how he looks like in my dream. The notebook was given to me by Lady Estee, She was my art tutor. It was covered in a thick black velvet clothes, that runs smoothly against my palm. I never let anyone look at it, It is my very own kind of diary. It’s very private, and the only eyes that are allowed to look at it, are my eyes.

When i was 16, while me and my cousins are reading a poetry by the fire. All of us are seated on the floor, the thick carpet protects us from the cold pavement. Our dresses scattered on the floor. Lily was reading to us, as we listen silently. Her blond hair is cast aside on her left side, her hooked nose almost touching the novel, i could see how thick her eyelashes were as she reads. My attention was suddenly interrupted, when a servant knocked on our door. It’s Amelia, She’s in our age, and She’s my playmate before i reached womanhood. Her brunette hair was covered by a white thin fabric, her white servant dress is hanging below her knees and her pale skin is slightly covered with filthy that makes it really obvious that she came from the kitchen before going here.

“Amelia, Come, join us.” I said, smiling at her. My hand gesturing for her to join us.

“Louisa!” Lilly protested, “She can not.”

My brows furrowed, “Why?”

“She’s a servant.” Lilly said, as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

I was about to protest when Amelia interrupted me, “Your grace, Lady Lilly is right. I only came here to give you this letter from your Lady Mother and sister.” She said, handing me the two white envelopes from her gasps. She curties before she leaves. I couldn’t hide the excitement of reading my mother’s and sister’s words. I opened my mother’s letter first, carefully opening the sealed and making sure i won’t ripped the delicate paper out of my excitement and foolishness.

Dearest Louisa,

How are you? I hope things are well with you and Lady mother. The time has come, The King and your father had a talk about important matters.  You are to marry his son by Lady Jane Ree, Lord Elliot. I trust you still remember him as he was your childhood friend. Our family is in favor of the King once again, and i trust that you do your duty as our daughter and a woman.

Your Lady Mother,

Lady Catherine Rivers, Duchess of Rivers.

I thought her words would give me the comfort I am earning for a mother. but , it turns out she only sent me this letter for the sake of our family political standing. Especially now that i am betrothed to a man I have only seen when I was six. My mind wanders to what he looks like now? I only remember his goofy smile with his missing teeth in front. He was always a happy person to be with. He doesn’t mind playing in the muds the way i did.

I open the next envelop, i hope my sister’s letter would give me joy. I’ve missed her.

Louisa,

Sister, i bid you happiness and good health. I am filled with joy and excitement that i will finally see you after 9 years of being apart. We shall make a lot of memories when you get back here.

Love,  Anne.

My heart warms at the thought of being with Anne again. There’s something at the back of my head that seems to sadden me. The thought of marrying Elliot, and the guilt i feel about the man in my dreams. I feel like i’m fooling him. I don’t even know if he even exist.