Taken by the Rogue Alpha

6 | Dreams

Jeremy ends up having to stay an extra few days. I will be picking him up tomorrow night after my shift.

I had expected there to be disaster though when nothing happened I came to realize a few extra days made no difference at all except in my own head. Jeremy is getting anxious to come home—he misses me and I have begun to miss him a lot as well the past week. His absence is felt and I can't wait for it to be filled. I want to wake up after my dreams about Seth and be presented with Jeremy's face. As pleasant as it has been waking up to Carrot every morning I want to be wrapped in Jeremy's arms. I want him to make everything feel better.

It is Thursday evening. My shipment of books arrived this morning and I've been waiting until closing time to unbox them. It's a good order this month—lots of confessional writing and poetry, and a few books about feminism and the world wars. The shelves have been getting empty and I'm excited to see them full again. This has been a successful month in terms of sales. It is uplifting in the face of everything else that has been happening.

7pm comes and I turn off the computer, in the middle of Pilgrim at Tinker Creek by Annie Dillard. It's a hauntingly beautiful read; her prose is eerie but stunning. Even though she is mostly alone in her book there is no feeling of loneliness—only a curiosity of the world and its wonders. I love how she thinks innocence is accepting the world for what it is. It's surprisingly optimistic and I have been ruminating on the proposition for a few hours, reluctant to agree but also not certain how to disagree. Good books always make you think.

I slip into the backroom. I already opened the shipment when I received it this morning to make sure none of the books were damaged. They are all unharmed, completely pristine. I find myself excited to unpack, grabbing my speaker I have brought just for the occasion and setting it on top of the box as I bring it out and leave it on the counter. I connect my phone, playing the Fleetwood Mac's Greatest Hits album I have downloaded and hit shuffle. Dreams just so happens to be the song that begins playing.

Now here you go again

You say you want your freedom

Well who am I to keep you down?

I put the song on repeat, setting my palms on the counter. It strikes me in a way it never has before. A very melancholy and wispy song about a chaotic breakup—all of the songs on the Rumors album are breakup songs, basically, but none quite as gentle. I close my eyes, deciding to listen through the whole song before I unpack.

It's only me who wants to wrap around your dreams

And have you any dreams you'd like to sell?

Dreams of loneliness

Like a heartbeat drives you mad

There has been an aching loneliness since Jeremy has left and I share thoughts of him with thoughts of Seth. My heart is with Jeremy but my mind hangs in limbo. I have no dreams I'd like to sell but I'm certain I cannot keep them from Jeremy forever. Would he want to buy them? Would he like to know what dreams I've been having? They have been driving me mad.

When the rain washes you clean, you'll know

You'll know

You will know

Oh, you'll know

The song plays from the beginning and I open my eyes. It is confronting but welcome company. I sigh, preparing to make my way to lock the front door, and scream when I find Seth standing in front of it...on the inside. I didn't even hear him come in. My hand fumbles for my phone but, as it had the first time he intruded on my space, it falls to the ground where I cannot find it. I don't bother looking for it. The song feels inappropriate now.

"There is no shame in listening to music," he smiles. "Hello again, Amelia."

He locks the door. My heart leaps into my throat. I swallow nervously, stomach doing somersaults.

"How long have you been here?"

"Since the first chorus," he begins walking towards me and I begin retreating. "I hear your Jeremy is coming back tomorrow."

"Yes. He is. Why are you here?"

"I said I'd give you one more chance, didn't I?" He smirks. My back hits the wall behind me. "I'm a man of my word. Here's your chance."

"Please don't come any closer," I hold my hands in front of me. "I'll scream again."

"No you won't. You don't look the type."

He's right, unfortunately. I am too scared to scream. Even my words are quiet and shaky.

"And plus: who would hear you?"

Thunder only happens when it's rainin'

Players only love you when they're playin'

Say women, they will come and they will go

When the rain washes you clean you'll know

Seth grabs one of my wrists, pulling me away from the wall and pressing me against him. My eyes are wide—fight him off, fight him off—but I am as useless as a mannequin. Out of fight, flight, or freeze I have chosen unwisely. I am stiff but navigable.

He sets a hand on my waist, fingers creeping from his other hand up my wrist until they lace with my own. Slowly he moves us away from the wall, swaying to the song. He smells nice but nothing like Jeremy—there is no comfort, only foreignness. My knees are weak. I don't know how my feet are moving. Probably because Seth is leading and all I have to do is follow.

"Have you been dreaming about me?" he asks softly, but just loud enough for me to hear him over the song. "I've been dreaming about you every night since our first encounter. In my dreams you are not afraid of me. In fact, I think you enjoy being around me."

"I have been," I confess. "I used to have the same dreams about Jeremy and now they're all about you. I hate it."

"It's the bond, Amelia. It is trying to speak to you through your dreams. The subconscious is no fool."

Somersaults have been replaced by butterflies. My knees are no longer weak.

"Are you still going to deny the fact you feel something for me?" His fingers dig into my waist. We flow slowly like a stream through the bookshelves. The golden light feels malapropos. "Are you going to insist, in this moment, that you feel nothing for me? Are you going to lie to me again?"

"Nothing," I lie.

The song plays from the beginning and I get goosebumps. I should push him away, tell him to leave, tell him to never come back...but I can't. The words form in my brain but refuse to leave my mouth. Even my body moves against my will. It feels so natural, so innate. This bond...this bond is real. What I have with Jeremy is real, but it is not this. It feels unalike this. Everyday I make the choice to love Jeremy, and everyday he makes the choice to love me, but with Seth and I there is an unseen divinity making the choice for us.

Seth backs me against the bookshelf gingerly, both hands now on my waist. I stare down at our feet, arms hidden behind my back. I can feel his eyes burning holes into the top of my head but I dare not look at him. I will melt into a puddle.

"Nothing, Amelia?"

"Nothing," I whisper.

He takes my chin in his hand, forcing me to regard him. His pupils are black disks with a thin ring of blue around them—I am reminded of an eclipse. A heavenly body, such as the moon, moves into the shadow of another heavenly body...

Now here I go again

I see the crystal visions

I keep my visions to myself

"Nothing?" he prods.

I shake my head slowly.

He kisses me before I can duck away. An explosion travels throughout my entire body and I shake—never before has Jeremy made me feel like this. I feel like a live wire; electric and uncontrollable. My heart palpitates in my chest as if it is trying to break though just to grab Seth and pull him closer. I'm all but swooning.

I push him away, covering my mouth with my hands. My hair hides my face, a depiction of my shame. I should have pushed him away sooner...I didn't kiss him but I hardly resisted; I didn't resist at all. This is a dangerous game we're playing. We do not speak for a minute. The song begins again.

It's only right that you should

Play the way you feel it

"Get out," I say, then look up at him. My eyes water. "Get out and don't come back. You are nothing to me. There is nothing here and nothing between us. I never want to see you again."

"You do and you will," he smirks. "Do not forget, Amelia, that this was your second and final chance. You have invited what comes next."

"I don't care. I don't care about you or what you will do."

"You will."

"Get out!" I holler, surprised by own force. "Get out!"

Seth reaches out and I flinch, squeezing my eyes shut and sucking in my breath. My brief flicker of bravery evades me just as quickly as it arrived. A finger grazes my cheekbone gingerly but I sense the warning. I exhale when I hear his footsteps leaving over the song. He hasn't been here for ten minutes but I feel enough stress for a lifetime. He says one last thing to me before he leaves.

"Appreciate what you have because you never know when it will get taken from you."

The bell rings. I run after it and lock the door. He disappears around the corner and I decide against seeking him. I don't want to know. I stagger to the counter, sliding to the ground and wrapping my arms around my knees, the wood cool against my hot back. The song just keeps playing and playing...where is my phone? I don't care.

Was his statement rhetorical? Was he referring to Jeremy? It's ominous and I'm concerned. He has something big planned, that's for certain. I cannot unpack the boxes now. I'm too rattled. I'll come in early and do it tomorrow morning. I want to go to mom's but I do not want to tell her what happened. I can't. I just can't. I'm reeling, spiraling, and don't want advice. I don't want to talk about it. I hide the box, grab my keys and phone, and flee to my car.

…Or was his statement for me? What exactly does he have planned?

I am scared. I am very scared.

Soon I will know.