Falling For My Best Friend

Chapter 4

burst into the Big Donut, tears welling in my eyes. My hand clutches my lower stomach with fervor, and I nearly collapse onto the counter once I reach it. I'm sort of stuck in the mindset that I want to kill myself right now, but if I kill myself then I can't go on hating everything that breathes. And right now, hating everything that breathes is kind of giving me a rush.

"Cramps?" A gentle voice asks. I nod feverishly.

The pretty young lady who works along Lars is on duty today (according to the name tag on her uniform, her name is Sadie), which unfortunately means that I'll actually have to pay for my donuts this time. I dig into my pockets and slam seven crumpled dollars on the counter, which she accepts without questioning. I sigh in relief as I press my back to the cool display case while she arranges my pastries into a box.

I'm not saying that my period cramps are the absolute worst, but it's definitely not fair that I should be punished like this for not getting pregnant. I mean, a gift basket with a little note saying, "congrats on not getting knocked up- see you next month!" wouldn't hurt. But nope. Instead, I'm cursed with the worst cramps and emotional turmoil that mother nature decided I could handle without passing out.

Sadie gets me my donuts dutifully and passes them to me. I thank her with a heavy breath and turn to step out.

My hand's on the glass door's handle when I freeze up. Occupying one of the picnic tables outside is the two people I'd like to see the least right now- Lapis and her prick of a girlfriend. I furrow my brows and subconsciously step back, pursing my lips.

Just my f*****g luck.

I'm not going to lie- I've totally been avoiding them. Since last week, I've refrained from talking to Lapis completely. I'm still offhandedly angry at her for hooking up with Pearl and disregarding my obvious discomfort about it. And even if I wasn't, I still wouldn't be able think of a single word to say to her. At least, not one that she wouldn't find insulting.

"Are you okay?" Sadie asks, her voice delicate. I shake my head.

"C-can I sit at a table?" I stammer, trying to put distance between myself and the big glass windows. The last thing I need is for them to turn their heads and get a big whiff of the sad loser buying a box of donuts for herself.

"Here, take this one," Sadie mumbles, leaving the counter to guide me to a booth next to the drink machine. I thank her quietly, stumbling back and taking a seat.

Although Pearl and Lapis are the absolute last people I want to see, my eyes can't seem to pry themselves away. It feels like I'm watching a horror movie, except the killer is a pair of hormonal teens and the tremolo violin score is replaced by the soothing jazz playing over the Bug Donut's PA. I shove a glazed pastry in my mouth and sigh in relief. For a moment the sugary dough distracts me from them. But then I look up.

Bile collects in my throat when I notice how naturally Lapis' hands are intertwined with Pearl's. Thankfully, from behind the glass walls of the Big Donut, their voices are mute. Still, if I'm not careful, I'll see every lovesick expression on their faces. s**t, it's like I'm trapped in the Twilight Zone of jealousy.

The way Lapis looks at Pearl makes me furious. It's a half-lidded expression, with a lazy smile and a ruddy tinge to her cheeks. I've been her best friend for years, and I've never made her smile like that. How can the most uptight, annoying girl in the entire world make her do that with ease? What does she have that I don't?

Everything, the little voice in my mind reminds me.

She has a pretty face, great grades, a stellar (although pretentious) personality, and now? Now she has Lapis too.

And I've got a box of donuts and the obligatory sympathy of the cashier.

Damn. I'm crying, aren't I? Wow, this day just keeps getting better.

The heavy droplets that fall from my eyes to table affirm my fears, and I sink down into my chair, hoping that Sadie won't notice. I hate crying in front of others. My eyes gets red and puffy, my nose leaks, and I wear an expression that makes it look like I'm getting stabbed in the gut. I guess crying is the one thing that can make my outside look just as rotten as my inside, and for that, I hate it.

And just to top it all off, Sadie catches me. With the store void of other costumers to attend to, she retreats from the counter and grabs a Styrofoam cup. She fills it with something from the drink machine and sets it in front of my face.

"You okay?" Sadie settles a straw into the cup and nudges it towards me.

"I'm f*****g shitting rainbows!" I howl, breaking off into a mixture between a sob and a laugh. I shove the straw in my mouth and take a gulp. It's ginger ale. I run my fingers down my agitated stomach.

"What's wrong?" Sadie murmurs, settling down in the seat across from me. I don't say anything, but it doesn't take a genius to follow my eyes to the couple outside.

"You know them?" She follows up.

I only nod and take a sullen bite of my food, wiping my runny nose on my sleeve.

Through a mouthful of sugary dough, I explain, "She's my best friend. I never make her smile like that."

Sadie frowns, pressing her lips together and looking down. "Yeah, I get what you mean," she mutters, tangling her fingers together to occupy herself.

I nod stiffly, holding back a response. I pray that Sadie won't talk more, because right now I'm bursting under the seams and I feel like all that it would take to make me snap is single misplaced gesture.

She doesn't speak up. Not for a long time. She just tries to ease the pain with her presence. And for just a little bit, it works. But then Pearl is pushing forwards, pressing her lips to Lapis', and using her spindly fingers to pin my best friend's wrists to the table, and Sadie's comfort is void.

My chest seizes, a searing iron claw clutching it like I'm a cheap prize in a toy machine. My eyes are replaced with buttons that never close, and my lungs with cotton that never breathes.

Sadie yanks me from my catatonic state. It's a good thing, too, because I was unwittingly tightening my grip on the Styrofoam cup, and it probably would've split if I'd've been left to my own devices for a second more.

"How long?" Sadie whispers.

"I can't even remember anymore," I admit. "You?"

"Same."

And suddenly, the fact that we're both lonely and upset hurts, but the fact that we're lonely and upset together makes it hurt just a little less. And because I need to pretend that someone actually gives a damn, I take her hand. The sharp contrast between her soft pudgy fingers and my brittle joints proves both strange and comforting.

"Do you hate her?" Sadie asks me with a quirk of her brow in Pearl's direction. I want to say yes, but the more I turn it over in my head, the more it sounds like a lie.

Finally, I settle on, "I want to."

She's perfect, a little voice at the back of my mind tells me. You've never seen Lapis this happy. You've never made her smile like that. You've never been able to pin her down like Pearl can. She's better for Lapis than you are. And you can't bear to admit that, because you're a jealous little cretin with one friend and a shitty attitude.

I block out my inner monologue to breathe and because wow, rude.

"She's bad for Lapis," I assert, although I know I'm lying to myself.

She's not bad for Lapis. I'm bad for Lapis.

Sadie gives my hand a reassuring squeeze, and I try to quench the fire in my stomach with a drink of ginger ale.

It almost works.

Sadie lets me cry for a little longer before letting go of my hand and standing up. My eyes betray a quizzical look, to which she answers with a grin and a nonverbal sign for me to wait one second.

Sadie retreats behind the counter and fiddles with the PA box. The jazz music echoing around the diner cuts off as she unplugs the radio and attaches her phone to the aux chord, flicking through her music library.

I'm greeted with a familiar banjo riff, and by the first line of the opening verse, a dumbstruck grin replaces my previous look of melancholy. I sniff and wipe my nose again, shaking my head. My jaw is slack.

"Unbelievable," I remark, "you didn't-" I drag my hand down my face, wiping away my tears.

"You're on the phone with your girlfriend, she's upset," Sadie sings. I decide that I like her voice. It's very reserved and sweet, and it mashes perfectly with the outdated music.

I watch her as she belts out the lyrics to Taylor Swift's, You Belong With Me, dancing around the Big Donut like the tiled floors are waxed marble. She wiggles her eyebrows at me suggestively and holds out her hand for me to take. I swat it away.

"No, no I'm not doing this, you clod. I hate this song," I say, keeping down a laugh that bubbles in my throat.

"Aw, come on. Can't be sour forever." Sadie says psyching herself up for the chorus.

"Ugh. Don't you at least have a dubstep remix or something?" I snap, crossing my arms. Despite my outward agitation, I still hum along to the chorus when it comes on, failing miserably at hiding a smile.

And suddenly, Pearl and Lapis become nothing more than lyrics to a jealous girl's love song. I like them better that way. It makes them seem less complex. Less like people and more like the placeholders. For the entire four minutes and nineteen seconds of the song, they stop being real. They become nothing more than pronouns that describe an idea, and a single note in a score of music.

And if Sadie can find solace in that, then I guess I can swallow my pride long enough to sing the stupidly catchy chorus along with her and tap my fingernails on the table to the beat.

Eventually, however, the song is over and the feeling fades. And we're both left trying to remember what the last bittersweet chord sounded like.

I look into the donut box. One left. It's pink and frosted, with little sprinkles dotting it.

"Have that," I pass it to her.

"Oh I couldn't I-,"

"I'm not asking," I say with what can only be described as a smile. Sadie accepts it with a grateful nod and takes a bite.

"I've gotta get going," I explain. "If I have to relate to another Taylor Swift song, I'm gonna retch."

"That's fair," Sadie grins, helping me clean up my mess. I don't know what I'm going to do if Lapis and Pearl see me, but at this point, I really don't care. My eyes are red rimmed, and my stomach hurts with the aftershock of a vicious cramp, but under all that, I feel good.

"Thanks for having a Crying Breakfast Friend moment with me. Really," I let the ghost of a laugh leave me. I hope she gets the reference.

"Not a problem. And Peridot?"

"Yeah?"

"Tie this around your waist."

She hands me an apron and my eyes go wide. I direct them to my ass, and sure enough, I've got a big ugly stain on my light blue jeans. My eyes widen- a stain like that should not bear such a striking resemblance to Texas. Blushing furiously, I accept the apron, checking the bench to make sure I didn't cause a small-scale biohazard. Thankfully, it's clean. Still, I wipe it down with a rag to make sure.

"Thanks," I mumble, face red with humiliation.

"Call me if you ever need to have a talk," Sadie assures, heading back behind the counter and writing her number on a napkin. I accept it thankfully and shove it in my pocket, assuring her that I will.

I take a deep breath before I push through the doors of the Big Donut and greet the hot outside air. The bell behind me rings in alarm, and it's all I can do to hurry away before Lapis turns her head. I'm almost afraid that she sees me darting away from them down the boardwalk.

But she's oblivious.