48 | If Ghosts Could Cry
1391 Words
I walked around the porch and sneaked at the backyard. But I couldn’t see anything because of the darkness. I walked back to the wooden stairs and looked at the second story of the house. I willed myself to fly and checked the windows. What I’m doing is very creepy but I just didn’t care. The rooms were dark. There was nobody in this house indeed. Maybe they’re having a holiday or something?
I went down to the ground and went to the swing on a tree which reminded me of my awful time in my subconscious. I sat there and faced the tree. The surrounding was dark and the lamppost near the house died. The thing about these places is that people here are free to do whatever they want without being detected by the authorities. This place looks abandoned. It was as if the authorities have lost their hope for this place and just let the people do what they want to do. I don’t know why Jacob Paulo lives here. If ever he told me before, I don’t remember. And thinking about those people who are free to do things that would harm another, I can’t help but get worried for Jacob. He broke my heart before but he was my friend before he became my lover and I still care for him even if I just remembered about him.
I’ve had flashbacks and I saw how he took care of me. I saw flashbacks of how he loved me. And how I loved him too. It was something I can’t believe I forgot. And it pains me to even think that if I didn’t decide to come back here and find the reason for my death, I wouldn’t be able to remember him. I wouldn’t be able to remember I had a friend who was very good to me.
There may be times when I think about my decision of coming here was a good idea. I mean, replaying your death is like torturing yourself. It’s like watching a movie scene that you so despise over and over again. And aside from that, it is not a rainbow and unicorns kind of journey. We met tainted souls that are more than willing to kill us for the second time and there are things that are just emotionally stressful. But one of the things I am thankful for this journey was the chance for me to relive all those memories I forgot. It was a chance for me to have a proper closure about my death. I mean, I died in an accident. It was too sudden. And I haven’t even got the chance to say goodbye. The moment I came here, I was able to see my family grieving. Not that I enjoyed it. I hated it with every fiber of my being. It was just their way of saying goodbye. Their way of showing regret. And it was also a chance for me to say my goodbyes and somehow, it felt better. It made me feel better.
A car passed by and the loud music was all I could hear and the laughter of people inside the car. They stopped in front of the house but nobody was getting out. The driver opened the window and it was then that I could hear the music clearly. And I don’t understand it still. Metal music. I groaned.
There were about five people inside and smoke was coming out of their mouths. Their eyes were lined with very thick eyeliner and their lips were painted black. Just from looking at them, I could already tell they’re metal punks or whatever you call that. They were passing on a cigarette and each of them puffed one. Then they sighed in pleasure as they let the smoke seep out of their mouth.
Ladies and gentlemen, we are now witnessing a group of teenagers smoking pot.
The driver then screamed some profanity and I just shook my head. Then they drove off and intentionally hit the garbage bins on the side. Then they yelled so loud I could hear dogs barking from a distance.
I just sighed and stared at the tree again. It was then that a light flashed behind me that I saw something written on the tree. I furrowed my brows and tried to process what was written on it but the light was gone before I could even read what was written there.
The car stopped in front of the house. I looked at it and realized whose car it was. I may have not remembered the most important details of my life but the moment I saw the car, I remembered it immediately.
Jacob got out of the car. He was wearing a simple white t-shirt and his black pants. His hair was ruffled and I knew it was the wind’s doing as he had his windows down. He got taller and much bigger than the last time I saw him. But the most important thing is I found him. The lion sculpture made sense now.
I watched him as he walked towards the house. He opened the door and went inside. I decided to follow so I went straight to the door without opening it. I saw him removing his shirt and walking to a room. Probably to change. When he got out, he was already wearing a comfortable pair of pants and a t-shirt. He removed his glasses and put them on the table.
He then slumped himself on the sofa, resting his head on the headrest, and sighed. He was staring into the ceiling and without looking, he turned the TV on. He didn’t look at the TV. He was just listening to it. As if letting its noise fill the house. I sat on the other chair next to him. I roamed my eyes around and realized he lived alone. I stared at him. He looked sad. He looked so devastated. And when a tear escaped his eyes and trickled down his cheeks, I couldn’t take it anymore.
I walked towards him. Closer and closer. He placed his arm over his eyes and started sobbing. And watching him cry felt like something was gripping my heart and ripping it to pieces. I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t do anything aside from just watching. I couldn’t even touch him and talk to him. So I stood there, watching as Jacob Paulo cried his eyes out.
And I can’t help but wonder, how often does he cry like this? How often does he feel miserable like this? I sat beside him and listened to his sobs. I laid my hands on his shoulders but it just went through. My lips quivered and I didn’t realize I was already crying too.
The sound of the TV was loud but his sobs were louder. And now I realized the TV was not just to fill the house with its noise. It was to cover the sound of his cry. I tried touching his face to wipe the tears in his eyes but it was no use and it made me frustrated even more.
I can’t tell him to stop crying. I just wish for him to just move on so he won’t cry anymore. I just want to tell him that he doesn’t need to say sorry like how he did last time. When he still can feel me. Right now, I wished Thanis didn’t do something to him that night with Monica. I wish Jacob can still feel a ghost's presence like he did before so he’ll know that I am here. How I wish I could touch him and tell me it’s alright. Even if it’s just for a minute, I would gladly have it. But I know it is impossible.
Not when I am already a ghost and all I could do was watch as he was crying.
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- Writer
