With the Wrong Man

Two.

Six years later

“Alex, Meredith, would you hurry up, please? We’re going to be late” During the end of my pregnancy, I binged watched a whole lot of grays autonomy. I guess you could say it had some influence.

“Come on, please.” I tried again. I really was in a rush, but they constantly insisted on doing everything for themselves, I was proud that they wanted to be so independent, but it really could be time consuming.

My twins come bounding down the stairs pushing and shoving each other along the way. It was a wonder nobody got hurt.

“Hurry up. We’re going to miss our flight and stop the shoving, please. There’s breakfast on the counter. I’m just going to run your bags out to the car.”

It was going to be the twins fifth birthday this week, and I was flying out to see my mom. I still lived in Denver. I took over my childhood home. I wanted the twins to have a place to feel connected, too, like I did, and my old home made the most sense, although I had done some serious renovations to it over the years. The bathroom and kitchen areas especially.

Mom had moved a little over a year ago to Carson city after her boyfriend decided to move out that way to be closer to his three children and all their children.

It was bittersweet watching her leave, but I was happy for her because she was happy. She deserved that after being on her own for so long after my dad died, and Reggie was good to her, and the twins loved him. What more could you ask for?

I was an only child myself, as were both of my parents, so the fact that Reggie had grandchildren was amazing because it meant that the twins had plenty of cousins their age to bond with, as someone who didn’t have a chance to do any of that growing up it makes me immeasurably happy that they do.

I threw the bags roughly into the boot and made my way back inside, joining my kids at the kitchen bench for breakfast.

I loved them so much. I don’t know where I would be right now without them.

The last five years have been hard. Alex looks so much like Aden, almost like his little clone. He had blonde hair that he liked to keep short and these big glassy blue eyes. Except for Aden, I had never actually seen blue eyes so light before. Meredith, on the other hand, looked exactly like me, with long curly brown hair that bounced. I absolutely loved her hair and warm chocolate brown eyes. They were so big and round and had a way of making you second guess yourself when she flashed them at you. It was seriously like trying to tell Bambi off when she has done something naughty.

“Mom.” I was broken out of my reverie by my sweetheart.

“Yes, baby.” I smiled at Meredith, five already. Wow, I still can’t believe it. How did that pass so quickly? the toddler years that I seriously thought I might not survive had only seemed like yesterday.

“Can you tell us about our daddy, please.” she asked, and I choked hard on my orange juice. I seriously had to thump my chest a couple of times just to get it down.

I knew there would come a day where they would ask me all about him, but I wasn’t prepared for it, not yet. I still hadn’t decided what to tell them. When they did. What should I tell them?

I thought I’d have more time than this. I mean, yes, I have had five years to work it out and then some If you counted the nine months I was pregnant with them, but if I was being honest, I got so caught up with life and living in the moment and just loving my babies that sometimes I forgot how they got here. I mean, I know how they got here, but I don’t dwell on it, not anymore. I had long since learned to live with the guilt as well as the joy. I had, too, to survive it all.

I had even stopped secretly searching Emma and Adens f*******: pages, trying to find out as much as I could about their lives and instead, I just did my best to live mine.

“Please, mommy.” Alex begged me.

“What would you like to know about him?” I asked despite not having any interest in having this talk any time soon or even any time at all.

“Why doesn’t he wanna be with us? Doesn’t he like us?” my daughter asked. She looked so sad.

Had I caused my daughter this pain? I can’t believe I didn’t know. How long has she been feeling this way? Why hasn’t she said something sooner ? was I really such a bad mother that I didn’t even know how sad my children were. Maybe it’s because I haven’t brought Aden up even once in the past five years.

Where do I begin? How could I take away the pain? The... oh, I don’t even know, I had no idea my babies felt like this. How could I be so damn ignorant? I didn’t want them to feel like they had been abandoned.

“Oh honey, that’s just not true.” I cooed. I moved swiftly around the bench as fast as I could, swaddling them both in my embrace.

“How could he not want to be with you?” I cried out. “You are perfect beyond measure, my darlings.”

“Then why don’t we ever see him?” my son pouted.

I decided at that moment, despite my years of back and forth, that I’d tell them the truth, well, as much as was appropriate. They were only five, after all. I couldn’t let them believe there was something wrong with them, that he didn’t want to see them because none of that was true. How could it be? After all, he didn’t even know that they existed.

“Come here, babies.” I led them into the lounge, plopping them down on the couch. I knelt in front of them, looking them in the eyes. I desperately needed them to believe what I said next.

“I know I never talk about your father, for that, I’m very, very sorry, I have just always felt like I didn’t have the answers to your questions, it is painful, it’s complicated and very adult, but please, please, please believe me when I tell you that it is not your fault. That has never been the case. You are both incredibly kind, smart, beautiful little people. He would love you both so very much.”

It hurt the most to know that he really would. He would love them incredibly. The only thing keeping them apart was me, myself and I.

“Then why doesn’t he want to be with us?”

I could see the tears forming in the corner of my daughter's eyes. It was really hurting her. When I ran, I never considered this. I should have. It was an obvious problem after all, and yet because I was so selfish, I didn’t.

“Baby, he doesn’t even know. He didn’t know I was pregnant. I never told him.”

So many emotions passed over their little faces so quickly, first confusion, then sadness, then anger, then back to chaos. How I wish I could read their beautiful little minds right now, then at least I would know how to make them feel better.

“But why doesn’t he know?” Alex was the first to ask. He was always so curious about everything. It was one of the things I loved most about his personality.

“Mommy did something naughty. She was petrified because of what she had done. You know how mommy tells you it’s best to tell the truth, cause lies are painful and cause messes we can’t always control or even fix.”

They nod their little heads for me. Little did they know I was the worst liar of them all.

“Well, mommy was worried that if she told her friend what she had done wrong that lots more people would get hurt because of it, mummy couldn’t stand to hurt her friends because she loved them very, very much so instead of being a big brave girl like she should have been and tell her friends what she had done wrong or that she was pregnant she ran away, back here to nanny’s house where they wouldn’t find out.”

My phone alarm started to ring, I had almost forgotten about our flight I had been so distracted. I hated to dump something like this on them and then just run out of the door, but we had to leave now, or we’d never make the flight, and we hadn’t seen my mom in months, and I need her right now, I needed someone to cry and vent all my frustrations too.

“Can we-“ Merideth began, then closed her mouth, then opened it again, clearly not sure how to ask what she really wanted to.

I wish she would, I wish she felt comfortable enough too, and most of all, I wish we had enough time, but for right now, we didn’t; we have to go if we wanted to make it on time.

“I’m sorry, baby, I promise we’ll talk more when we get to nanny’s and reggies, but right now we have to go.”

With a heavy heart, I led them out to the car. I knew this wasn’t going to be the end of it, not even close. I just hope my mom could give me some advice on what I should do, although I had a feeling that advice would be to tell everyone the truth and let them decide what to do with it, I had heard it many times before over the years, and I’m sure I would many times more.

I know she doesn’t agree with the way I handled things and have continued to handle them since, but she was always on my side and had kept my secret, for which I was extremely grateful.

She loved my children with her whole heart and soul.