Sunflower

Chapter 21

Present Day

Lucy

Being the third wheel is unfamiliar to me since I always had Chris around. But for the past couple of weeks, I've been tagging along with Justin in Annie. I've told them numerous times that I don't mind if they go out without me, but they refuse. I guess they're both feeling sorry for me. Things have been extra hard lately.

I started back to work, but I'm no longer feeling the same joy my work used to bring me. It hasn't been the same since Tommy died, but at least before, I had Chris to get me through the rough days. Now, it's Annie and Justin. And they aren't very good at it. Of course, I never expected them to be. Chris knew me so well. He cared so much. He planned his whole life around me and while I don't expect someone else to do that, I have to admit, it felt kind of nice to be the center of someone's world.

With each passing day, I'm realizing more and more that Chris made my life so much better. I let my circumstances come between us when what I should've done is told him what happened the night of my accident. He would've understood. he would've helped me. He would've stood by me. But I was afraid.

I'm still afraid.

Because now, I'll have to face what I've done on my own, without Chris. He doesn't deserve to be tied up in it anyway.

We've been sitting in a bar that I can't even remember the name of for the past couple of hours. Justin and Annie just drink and carry on, while I sit here and pretend to have fun, like I always do. I look up at the TV behind the bar and notice a Patriots game is on.

My dad hated the Patriots. He was a lifelong Jets fan, so naturally, I liked the Jets too. Until I got older and realized I was cheering for the worst team in the entire NFL. I switched over to the Eagles when I went to college and haven't gone back since. I haven't watched a single game in two years, but not because I don't like football. I love football. I just don't love the memories it stirs up for me.

Some of the only decent memories I have of my father is watching the Jets play on Sunday. I'll never forget the day I showed up to his Super Bowl party wearing an Eagles jersey. He was so mad at me. The Jets weren't even playing in the Super Bowl, but the Eagles were, so I didn't know what the big deal was. Chris is originally from Pennsylvania, and he had always been an Eagles fan. I guess that's ultimately what made me a fan too.

4 years ago

Staten Island, New York

"Okay, we're only going to make an appearance here and then we can drive into the city and watch the game with normal people," I say when Chris and I pull up to my parent's house.

My dad throws an annual Super Bowl party every year, no matter who is playing in the game. I've never understood why he cared unless the Jets were involved, and they haven't been in a very, very long time. It's mostly just his friends and guys from the firm her works for. Mom makes snacks and everyone sports their favorite team jerseys, whether or not their actually in the big game. Bets are made before the game and then comes the noise. Grown men in their forties and fifties screaming at a television well into the night and leaving a mess behind for my mother to clean up on her own.

"Maybe it won't be so bad. Your dad hates the Patriots, right? So naturally, he'll be cheering for the Eagles," Chris says as we walk to the front door.

It swings open before I even get my key near the lock and my frazzled mother is standing there, smiling like a lunatic. "Lucy! Chris! Thank God you're here!"

"Hi mom," I say, giving her a quick hug.

"Hi, Mrs. Sunday," Chris smiles. "Love the green dress! Does that mean you're cheering for the Eagles tonight too?"

Mom smiles bashfully, as she always does when Chris complements her. "Well, that's not what I was going for, but why not? I don't mind seeing the Eagles take this one."

Mom leads us into the living room where dad and his closest friends are all gathered around the television. The game has just started and it looks like the Patriots are already up by seven. I don't know which team my dad has money on, so I need to figure that out so I'll know which team to root against. I don't know why, but for some reason, I've always liked going head to head with my dad, no matter what it is- games, attention, or just being right. He pretends it annoys him, but I think he secretly likes that I'm so competitive. I may not be the super athlete son he's always dreamed of, but there's things about me he likes nonetheless; things I know make him proud.

He looks up and smiles when he sees us standing there, but his smile quickly fades when he notices Chris's Eagles jersey.

"Of course you're an Eagles fan," he groans. "You're from Pennsylvania. And now, you've corrupted my daughter."

"So you would rather me date a Patriots fan?" I smirk at him.

He gives me a bored look. "Don't even joke about that."

"So who do you have money on? The Eagles?" I ask, sitting next to dad on the sofa.

"Well, while you know I hate the Patriots with a fiery passion, I'm not stupid when it comes to money. So I put it on the Patriots. They have a more consistent offense," dad replies.

"Are you kidding? Jalen Hurts has one of the best QB ratings in the league! His pass is right on the money, every time!" Chris says, sitting on the other side of my dad. "And Devonte Smith is the best receiver I've ever seen! How could the Patriots be more consistent?"

While dad and Chris go on arguing about which team is more consistent, I get up and walk around the room looking for Tommy. He's usually not a part of dad's football parties, but every once in a while, he'll hang towards the back of the room and observe.

When I don't see him, I go upstairs to his bedroom. "Tommy, buddy? Are you up here?" I call out.

He suddenly appears in the doorway, grinning ear to ear, but nearly scaring me to death. I jump back and dramatically hold my chest.

"Tommy, you scared me," I chuckle.

"Is Chris here?" he asks.

I nod, smiling. "He's in the living room, watching the football game. Want me to go get him?"

"No. I want to show him my new model rocket ship, but I can wait until the game is over," he replies.

"The game won't be over until well past your bedtime," I remind him.

"It's okay. I'll show him another time," he says.

"Show who what?" Chris says, coming up the stairs and looking between us.

"Hey Chris!" Tommy smiles. "I built a new rocket ship model. Want to see?"

"Yes! Of course!" Chris replies, making me smile.

Chris follows Tommy into his room and I watch on as Tommy proudly shows off his work to Chris and Chris acts as if it's the most amazing thing he's ever seen. He's wanted Tommy to like him so badly and now, it looks as if he finally got what he wanted. Tommy seems to adore him, which makes me love him even more.

"Lucy, you've got to get down here!" dad calls from downstairs.

I hurry down the stairs and into the living room to see everyone standing on their feet, seemingly frozen in fear as they watch the game. I guess that means something big is about to happen.

"Lucy! The Patriots just intercepted the ball on the Eagle's twenty-nine! They're going to be up two touchdowns before the half!" dad says excitedly, slinging an arm around my shoulder.

I wince at the strong stench of liquor on his breath. I mean, I guess I knew he was drinking. He's never this nice to me unless he is.

I stand in the midst of a crowd of drunk, middle-aged men who are all loud and obnoxious over a stupid game. While I was never looking forward to this night, I at least thought it would be an excuse to hang out with Tommy. I don't want to be here, in the middle of...this.

"I'm gonna go check on Chris," I tell dad, moving his arm off me.

"Where is he?" dad asks.

"He's upstairs in Tommy's room. Tommy wanted to show him-"

"Yes! Touchdown Patriots!" he shouts, completely ignoring me.

I sigh as I walk away. I can't believe he cares about a team that he hates scoring a touchdown more than his own son.

I start up the stairs, but I pause when I see Tommy and Chris coming down. And Tommy is wearing Chris's Eagles jersey.

"Look who decided to join the party," Chris smirks at Tommy.

"Chris let me wear his jersey!" Tommy says happily, turning around so I can read the back. "See? Number two!"

"That's pretty cool. Hey, you look good in Eagles green," I say, patting his head. "Even better than Chris."

"That's exactly why I have him the jersey," Chris smirks, tossing an arm over Tommy's shoulder.

"Oh, there you are," dad says, walking into the foyer. His faint smile is replaced by a bitter scowl when he sees Tommy wearing Chris's jersey. "What are you doing, Tommy? Take that off, right now."

"No, no," it's okay, I say quickly. "Chris doesn't mind."

"The kid doesn't know the first thing about football. I guess he just wants attention," dad scoffs, walking away.

I look at Tommy who is hanging his head, as he pretty much always does when dad speaks to him.

"Hey, I don't know that much about football either, don't worry about it," I tell him.

"And you don't have to know everything about something to like it. I know nothing about space, but space is still interesting to me," Chris adds. "And it gives me something to talk about when I meet someone who does like space. Like you."

Tommy looks up at Chris and smiles. "Do you really like space?

"Yeah! Of course! Are you kidding? There's so many things I've learned about space since I've met you and it's made me like space even more. It's also kind of freaked me out a little."

Tommy laughs. "It can be dangerous if you're not a trained astronaut."

"Exactly," I smile, looking to Chris.

When dad walks back through the foyer on his way out of the kitchen, he stops and gulps down his beer. "Hey Chris, halftime is almost over. You coming?"

Chris looks to me and then to Tommy. "Actually, I think I'm gonna hang out with my little buddy for a while."

"Ah, come on! This is the Super Bowl! You can hang out with your...little buddy anytime," he says, giving Tommy a look disturbingly close to that of disgust. "And you're an Eagles fan! Doesn't this mean anything to you?"

"Of course it does. But it's just a game," Chris shrugs. 

"Just a game," dad mumbles under his breath when he finally turns and walks away.

Present Day

I think of that Super Bowl party often. Because I think it's when Chris finally realized just how terrible my father was. And how much he seemed to despise Tommy...his only son.

When we were standing in the cemetery, getting ready to lay my little brother to rest, dad put on quite the show. All of his friends and colleagues gave him all the attention he could ever possibly want. He was a grieving father, losing his son in such a tragic and senseless way. I often wonder if he ever bothered telling any of them that Tommy's death was actually his fault. He cared so little about his son, he let him go missing for hours before anyone ever knew he was gone.

I guess another reason I think about that Super Bowl party is because it helps me to deal with the monster I've become. When I start to feel dirty and wrong, I just remember that night and it's all I need to justify the things I've done.