Sunflower

Chapter 16

Lucy

After spending the day with my mom, I feel more down than I have in almost two weeks. It's not her though. Today would've been fun if I didn't have so much on my mind. That's why I'm here at the cemetery, at ten o'clock on a Saturday night, visiting my little brother. I don't know why I always come here to pour my heart out. Even when Tommy was alive, he wouldn't have been able to understand the complicated inner workings of the heart. He was just a kid with no experience with complex emotions.

Which is probably why I come here. Maybe I don't want anyone to understand me. Maybe I just want to talk through all this to someone who could never understand- who wouldn't even attempt to.

I don't even understand it myself, if I'm being perfectly honest.

It's cold out tonight, and since I didn't bring a jacket, my arms have retreated into my shirt for warmth. I can see each of my breaths, puffing out like a cloud of smoke. A thick and eerie looking fog is starting to settle around the back side of the cemetery, making this place look like  a scene right out of a horror movie.

But I'm too numb to care. If Jason Vorhees jumps out from behind a tombstone and hacks me up into little pieces, I don't think I'd even fight him. He'd only be putting me out of my misery.

I half expect Chris to show up here again, like he did last time, but I haven't seen or heard from him in days. I shouldn't be surprised. I wanted to break up. It's only natural that he'd put some distance between us. Even our friends don't bring him up around me anymore.

But then again, I haven't seen much of them lately either. I've been distancing myself from everyone.

I lean back against Tommy's headstone and sigh. "I wish I could go back in time. I would've taken a job in Staten Island so I could be close to you. Then maybe you'd still be here. And if you were still here, everything would be fine right now. It's all because I lost you that everything went so wrong anyway. It's all my fault."

I don't expect an answer, and if I heard one, I'd probably crap my pants. Still, somehow, I feel at peace. It feels good to get things off my chest. It feels good to let all the emotions out.

That's when I suddenly get an idea. A few days ago, I saw Chris shouting off the Williamsburg Bridge like some kind of maniac. At the time, I thought he had lost it. Now I realize it probably felt good for him to let go of some of the heavy emotions weighing him down.

He left there smiling...

I remember because it hurt to see him smile, knowing it had nothing to do with me.

The pressure building up on my chest is just too much. Everything that's happened lately- my brother's death, my parent's divorce, my father's disappearance and my break up with Chris- it's all culminating into something akin to a monster. A giant, blood thirsty monster, ready to suck me dry of joy.

My heart starts to pound, and quickly too. It's way too fast. Alarmingly fast. I start to panic, my breaths becoming short and labored. I look around, my head spinning, the world distorted through my blurry vision.

I've got to get out of here. I've got to do something before I die out here, alone.

I stand to my feet, a little wobbly, but strong enough for a slow jog towards the cemetery's entrance. The closer I get, the better I start to feel, so I pick up the pace.

Within minutes, I've made it about thirteen blocks. I'm winded and sweaty, but I feel more alive than I have in a long, long time. So alive I can't help the smile that spreads across my face.

I stop when I come the Williamsburg Bridge. It's even more beautiful at night with the moon's pale reflection dancing across the smooth waters of the East River. There's no one around, not even that many cars going by. It's cold, quiet and calm. It's exactly what I need.

I jog out to the center of the bridge and stand facing the water. For a few seconds, I let the chilly breeze flutter across my face, settling my racing heart and steadying out my breathing.

"Chris!" I shout out over the river, the sound of my voice echoing all around me. "You've been so good to me! But I don't deserve it! I don't deserve you! And I'm sorry! I wish I did! I wish I could be good enough for you!"

The tears creep up on me, sliding down my cheeks, making my face sting. I wipe them away, taking a deep breath before I finish what I came here to say.

"Tommy! I'm sorry I couldn't save you! I'm sorry I wasn't there for you! And I'm sorry that our parents didn't love you the way you deserved! And dad...."

I swallow hard, gripping the cold metal railing tightly. "Dad, I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!"

I break down into sobs, sinking to my knees. "I'm sorry," I sob over and over. "I'm so sorry."

I sit and cry for what feels like hours, exposed to the cold, but too numb to even care.

"Excuse me, miss?"

I look up and a bright light temporarily blinds me. I throw a hand up to deflect it and that's when I notice two uniformed police officers coming towards me.

"Are you okay?" one of them asks.

"I'm fine," I say, standing up and frantically trying to pull myself together. "I'm sorry, I was just..."

I have no good explanation for what I'm doing. I'm screaming off the bridge in the middle of the night like a psycho. I've been drinking, though I wouldn't say I'm drunk anymore, so this is all me. All natural Lucy at her finest.

I sigh and hang my head in shame.  "I'm sorry, I just went through a breakup and my father is missing. It's got me a little crazy."

"I knew you looked familiar. You're Frank Sunday's daughter, right?" One of the officers ask.

My heart sinks even lower as I nod in response.

"I'm sorry things aren't going so well for you right now, but you can't be out here in the middle of night like this. Do you have any idea how dangerous this part of town is?" he asks, stepping into the streetlight and illuminating his face.

I immediately recognize his cold, pale blue eyes and patchy, uneven beard. He's one of the cops who were at our house the night Tommy was pulled from the river. I don't know why his face stands out among the twenty or so first responders who were there that night, but for some reason, it does. Probably because he transferred from Staten Island to NYC around the time of Tommy's death, so it felt as if he was following me or something.

"I know," I say, looking around and blowing out a breath.

"Did you drive here?" he asks.

"No. I ran," I answer, earning a quizzical look from him.

"Ran? From where?" he asks.

"From the Hillcrest Cemetery. I was visiting my little brother," I say, tearing up again.

He frowns, his eyes turning more sympathetic. "Come on, I'll give you a ride home."

I follow him and his partner to the cruiser that's parked on the side of the road at the end of the bridge. He opens the back door for me and I get in, sighing in relief at the warmth.

I'm dropped off in front of my apartment building a few minutes later and the officers wait until I've made inside the front entrance before they drive away. Once they're gone, I head up to my apartment.

I'm dog tired, still a little fuzzy and my nose is stuffy from being out in the cold for so long. I can't wait to take a hot shower and sleep for the rest of the weekend. When I make it to the door, I'm surprised to see Chris sitting on the floor, slumped up against the wall, fast asleep.

"Chris?" I ask, approaching him slowly.

He startles awake and looks around in confusion before he notices me. "Oh, Lucy. Hey."

He struggles to his feet, still looking a bit out of it. "I was...I was just..."

"Are you okay?" I ask him, studying his eyes carefully.

He clears his throat and looks away from me, shifting around nervously, which starts to freak me out. Is he high or something?  "Are you okay? You look like maybe you're not feeling well."

"I'm fine. I was just...outside for a while," I sniffle. "Visiting Tommy."

"Yeah, I know."

"You do?" I ask, furrowing my brows.

"I came here looking for you and when you weren't here, I figured you would be there, with him. I went there looking for you, but I saw you running away. I lost you after a while, so I came back here and I've been waiting..."

"Oh...is everything okay?" I ask.

He nods, still not able to meet my eyes. "Lucy, I..."

I have no idea what he's trying to say to me, but he's having a hard time saying it. He's acting so strange tonight, more so than usual. I'm not sure if I'm annoyed or worried.

"Chris, please...I've had a rough night. Just say what you came here to say," I beg him impatiently.

That's when he meets my eyes; and I know just from the intensity in his that he's about to say something that could change things between us. I just have that feeling. And it makes my heart beat out of control.

"I've decided to take the internship in Australia," he finally says, making my heart drop to the pit of my stomach.

I shouldn't be so hurt by this expected news. I knew once he realized I was serious about our breakup, he would eventually change his mind about sitting out the internship. It's what's best for him. It's what I want for him.

So why does it feel like I've just been stabbed in the chest?

"That's good. When do you start?" I force myself to ask.

"I'm leaving next Friday," he replies, stunning me to the core.

That's less than a week away. In less than a week, I'll say goodbye to him for two years; and while I know it's for the best, and I have no choice but to let him go, it's going to make me sick waking up every morning for two years knowing I don't have access to him. I can't run to him when something happens. I can't call him up whenever I want.

Feeling overwhelmed, I only nod and start unlocking my door.

"I know it's weird for me to be sitting outside our...your apartment like this...but...I just thought..."

I look at him over my shoulder when he stops talking. I'm positive something is going on with him now. He's acting so weird.

"Did you...take something before you came here?" I ask him.

He furrows his brows. "What do you mean? Drugs?"

I shrug. "Drugs or...alcohol...or...drugs..."

"You think I'm on drugs?!" he asks incredulously, pointing to himself.

"Why are you being so weird?"

"Because this is hard for me, Lucy! Being around you...knowing that it's over between us...do you really just expect me to be normal?!" he asks.

I hang my head, ashamed of myself. He probably thinks I'm making a joke out of this by asking him if he's on drugs. I never considered the fact that this is hurting him so badly, it's causing him to act differently. "Chris, you should go to Australia. You should take advantage of this amazing opportunity. So if you're here for me to talk you out of it, you're wasting your time. I don't want to be the reason you miss out on a dream job, or get to travel the world."

"Our relationship always had an expiration date for you, didn't it," he says, sounding a bit harsher than before. "You never intended on keeping me around forever, just until you realized you didn't need me anymore."

"That's not it-"

"Then what is it?! Why is it just suddenly over?!" he shouts.

I look around the empty hallway to make sure no nosy neighbors are peeking out to see what's going on. I need to wrap this up before he causes a scene.

I take a deep breath, trying to think rationally, yet thoughtfully. After all, I love Chris. I don't want to hurt him.

I don't even want to breakup with him, but I feel like I have no choice.

"I'm not who I used to be, Chris," I explain. "The girl you fell in love with is gone, there's nothing left of her. That's why the past year has been so hard. Things are changing. We're growing apart. We don't have a future together, at least...at least not right now."

After a few seconds of hesitation, Chris opens his mouth to speak, but then he closes it and nods. "Okay. If that's how you want it."

Without another word, he turns and walks away.