Her Second Chance At Love

(7) She's Single Again

Lisa’s POV

After years of marriage, I was single again.  With a mix of emotions, I read it, I had gotten that little paper in the mail today.  It was in black and white that I was no longer married.  I had chosen to keep my married name as my maiden name just made me sick.  Given all that I had went through growing up and now with my sister’s disregard of family ties I wanted nothing to do with that name and who it was associated with.  My mother had the audacity to tell me not to blame my sister or my now ex for the situation and I should turn a blind eye and forgive them both.  I couldn’t do it. Don't get me wrong the married one made me sick as well, but it also brought me joy as it was the name of my kids.  In the divorce I didn't ask for any kind of alimony.  I had my own money something he wasn't aware of.  After the passing of my grandmother, I inherited three million dollars.  It stayed in an escrow account and I only took a small p*****t monthly from it.  Grandma had put in her will that Ray would not be able to benefit from any of her money and as long as I was married to him, I wouldn’t be allowed to remove only a small portion of the money each month.  Enough for what she would call spending money.  She knew that Ray didn’t give me much in the way of extra when it came to getting something extra.  He controlled the finances.  Of course, things would change up a bit, hell a lot since I didn't have him around.  I would count on that money to do more of what I wanted to do and take care of my kids the way that I wanted to be able to.  The look on my ex-husband and little sister's faces when the judge asked me why I was declining alimony and asked for very little in child support was priceless.  Guess they weren't the only ones that could keep a big secret.  I was actually pulling out the maximum each month and stashing it, hoping to get away with him for a weekend and tell him he didn't have to work so hard.  Maybe even rekindle what had been lost all those years ago.  I wanted nothing more than to fix us.  I wanted us back to where we used to be before we lost our son, before I lost the ability to bear any more children. The money had only just come into my possession a few short days before my sister had spilled the beans about their relationship.  When they had discovered about the money, he had filed to get half the money.  I laughed because not only was there the stipulation about the money in grandma’s will but, the one thing we had done before getting married was to draw up a pre-nuptial agreement that stated anything either one of us brought into the marriage would be retained by that person if the marriage ended under mutual terms.  However, if one party was caught cheating on the other the cheating party would be entitled to nothing.  He was the cheating party. 

Ray’s POV

With the divorce proceedings Jessica and I learned some shocking news about new found wealth that didn’t sit right with me.  That old lady never did really like me that much but would say I was better than that loser Evan she was with before.  Jessica didn't understand why we didn't have to split the house in half and basically force her out of it.  I explained that technically we had been renting the house from her grandmother.  We didn't own the house and now it seemed, that grandma was gone apparently the house was also Lisa's.  Yes, Lisa was going to come out of this marriage just fine and not needing me any longer.  A part of me was saddened at this I still had feelings for her and regretted what had transpired between Jessica and myself.  Lisa would be ok emotionally as well.  Not only was she strong but she had support from other family members who were disgusted with Jessica and myself for what we had done.  I would have left Jessica when she spilled about our relationship but after Lisa kicked me out of the house Jessica told me that she was pregnant.  This was going to be difficult to explain especially at family reunions.  Meet my cousin/half sibling here.  She told him that she could almost forgive them for what they had done to her but for what they were doing to her kids she would never forgive them.  Of course, Jessica was trying to suck up to her after court.  After finding out about how much money she actually had.  Apparently, grandma had known what Jessica and I were up to and had only left Jessica with a few thousand dollars.  Jessica had assumed that grandma had left the same amount to everyone.  While Lisa got the bulk of the money the other two siblings each got an even million. 

Lisa’s POV

I wasn't certain as to which direction my love life would go after the divorce and honestly didn’t care. One thing I knew for certain was I wasn’t looking to get into any kind of serious relationship.  Of course, that is how it was with Ray and love just came out of the blue.  I wouldn’t turn down love or a deeper relationship if it came along but for now all I wanted was a friendship.  All of my friends told me that I should just get back on the figurative horse and not let a few bad apples ruin my opinion of me.  Ray wasn’t bad if I was honest, he just drifted from me. We drifted from each other after we lost Adam.  That’s what we decided to name him.  But I agreed to at least look into having some companionship it would be nice to go out every once in a while.  Since the kids went at least once a month with the ex-husband I had at least one weekend every month that I got to go and just let loose.  Just be whoever I wanted to.  I had thought long and hard about how I was going to proceed in the next few months and I had decided there was one thing that I had never let myself do.  I had never let my hair down and just played the field.  Whatever may come of it I didn't know but hell at least I didn't have to worry about getting pregnant.  I sure as hell didn't have to worry that I was betraying my now ex-husband.  Maybe I could have fun as well and I would see what comes of it.  If most of the guys in my life could play the field then surely, I could as well.  Ya, I had a few extra pounds but that didn't mean I couldn't have fun.  Surely there were some guys out there that would like to go out with no strings attached and no worries that their fun would come back to haunt them at a later date.  So, with that I bit the bullet and checked out a few dating websites.  I had to admit that I was liking what I saw in the pool of single guys. There were several that would be a good match up to me and so I signed up.   I reached out to three of the six I looked at.  What the hell worst case scenario they would turn me down and I wouldn't get any hits on my profile.  Best case I would be able to fill up my empty time with some fun people.  I wondered what people would think of me doing something like this after all I was always the one to act responsible and wait and see what the fates had in store for me.  I was grabbing fate by his balls and making him listen to me this time.  I wasn't going to just lay down and take it from him.  He was going to listen to me and give me what I wanted this time and I wasn't taking no for an answer.  It wasn't even two hours after I had signed up when I got a hit from a couple guys on one of the sites.  I checked out their profiles and decided to chat with them a little.  They were good looking and I could see myself having some fun with them if they were interested as well.  I had put on my profile that I wasn't really seeking a relationship just a friends with benefits type of situation for now if that is what both parties agreed to.  I had said that I just got out of a long relationship and wasn't looking to jump into any real relationship any time soon.  However, if someone wanted to have a good time, I would be open to that.  Also, I wasn’t closed minded to something more developing if it was right.  

I was going to have my first real free weekend this coming up weekend and so I quickly made a note of the few guys I liked who had already contacted me and asked them if they would like to meet.  They seemed really pleasant to look at and interesting to talk to.  Maybe if I was lucky there would be a connection with one and things could go a little further.  For now, all I wanted was some company and great conversation with someone my age. I looked forward to dinner, dancing, flirting and yes even some play in the bedroom.  Hell, I had spent more than enough time in my life being the good girl/woman.  Now it was my turn to play and as long as my kids didn't suffer from my adventures it was all ok.  I really wasn't expecting any kind of results from my few little messages since it was Thursday and that would be really short notice for anyone to want to get to together.  So I went about my day of cooking and cleaning.  It was nothing more than the things I had always done only this time it was as a single woman once again at least one weekend a month that is.  I had gotten used to being alone during the day where my husband worked and the kids were in school so the daytime wasn’t that difficult to endure. After my split up with my husband I even got used to being alone in bed at night.  I took a moment to think of what it would feel like to share the bed with someone else.  I had never been with anyone else.  I didn't even know if I could allow myself to have meaningless s*x with someone else.  Hell, I was always taught that was something you did when you were in a committed relationship with the person you were having s*x with.  I wondered if the next guy she wanted to have s*x with would be open to some of the things I had suggested to my now ex-husband in the past.  When we started to drift apart and he didn’t seem interested in the bedroom I thought maybe we could spice it up some way and started to look up things but he always turned them down.  Could I really remember or pull those memories from the deepest parts of my mind and ask for them?  Would a new and different partner be open and responsive to those suggestions?  I could only hope because there were things that had piqued my interest and I would like to try at least once to see if I would enjoy it.  I wanted to enjoy life and find out if there was something more out there in the world aside from my family that I loved more than life itself and my home.  I wanted to know that someone could be everything I wanted without me having to suppress myself for them to be happy.  Could I ever find that kind of guy?  I knew one thing for certain I wouldn't settle for anything less if I ever decided to marry again.  Until finding that guy I would have as much fun as I wanted to.

When I brought things up to my now ex-husband and all he would say to me when I said those things was "baby there are the two kinds of girls in the world.  There are the girls you marry and the girls you f**k.  Those things you are suggesting are things you do with the girls you f**k not the girls you marry.  I love and respect you too much to sully you with those things."  I would brush aside my desire to try it because it must be really bad if he said he loved me too much to do those things with me.  I was so lucky to have someone like him that treated me so wonderfully that I truly believed my s****l desires didn't matter.  I would suppress them so that they wouldn't come up again and bother my husband.  I found that I often wondered why though, when I felt this way why was it that the very idea of not talking about what I wanted in the bedroom felt so wrong.  I loved and respected my grandmother too much to say anything to her about bedroom matters.  To me that was just disrespectful to talk about such things to grandma of all people.  So, I chose my mother to talk to about it.  When I brought the subject up to my mother I was met with shock.  My mother told me that I needed to do what my husband wanted me to do and that for me to ask for anything other than what he was giving me was sending him a bad message.  That by asking for something else I was telling my man that he wasn’t enough for me and that hurt a man's ego.  That once a man's ego was hurt, he would start looking outside the marriage for someone who wouldn't ask for more worse yet he would lose his desire for his wife.  "If you want to keep him happy at home then you don't tell him anything you want sexually and even if you don't feel satisfied you make sure he thinks he's satisfied you in every way." I remember leaving my mother’s house and taking those words to heart and soon enough I learned to suppress those thoughts and feelings.  I always felt empty in the bedroom but I was going to “fake it” until I learned to deal with because I had an amazing man that loved me.   The rest of my life was going how I always dreamed with the exception of when we lost our baby boy and I lost the ability to ever have any more children.

If I thought about when things seemed to hit bottom for us in the bedroom and in the home, it had to be shortly after that happened.  The death of their only little boy destroyed us more than we even realized at the time.  Losing my uterus destroyed my faith in myself as a woman more than he realized.  I needed him in and out of the bedroom to make me feel whole again and he wasn’t there.  Now that I thought about it that was probably when he and Jessica got together.  I was so wrapped up in trying to make our family work again that I didn't see the signs.  But that was also when our time in the bedroom took somewhat of a darker twist.  He stopped treating me like a fragile angel and started to treat me like an unbreakable rag doll.  He was so angry all the time and his anger always seemed to be directed at me.  To give him credit he always put the bruises where my clothes could cover.  The scratches the bite marks I got good at hiding them well.  When I wouldn't do something the way he wanted he had a way of hurting me until I did it.  He had asked me to do things and I wanted to but couldn't bring myself to do them.  He forced it.  It didn't matter to him that I was unwilling or unable.  I was forced more times in the few months after losing our son while I was healing to give him a blowjob.  He would come stumbling in late at night only to wake me up and tell me he was horny.  With tears in my eyes, I would remind him that I wasn't fully healed yet and couldn’t give him what he wanted.  Then he would grab me by the hair, drag me out of bed, force me to my knees and force his c**k in my mouth.  He would hold my head in place and just f**k my face as hard as he wanted until he released.  I had no choice because I couldn't escape.  The few times I had tried I ended up with broken ribs and a few other bruises.  The first time he beat me like that I was laying on the floor in a crumpled ball begging him to take me to the emergency room for help.  He just laughed at me and told me to stop crying or he would really give me a reason to cry.  He then proceeded to tell me that I was lucky to suck his c**k for him.  That was the only part of me that was still all woman.  What he didn’t realize is that I was crying not because of the physical pain I felt but the emotional.  I already felt like less of a woman and if I was healed would have given him anything he asked for with the exception of a blow job because after the first few times being forced the very idea made me sick.  I knew that was one thing more than likely I wouldn't be able to give to someone else because it held to much fear and humiliation.