Blind to love

I cant

Callie pov

its been a couple of days since I received that email from my brother to meet him and I can't believe how quick Wednesday has came, I have typed out a email and typed every excuse I could think about but ended up deleting it, I don't think I can go though with this, only if Jacob was here by my side, I knew he would encourage me to do this but he isn't here and I have to wait another week to see the guys, it can't come quick enough in my eyes. Looking at the photo on the fridge of me and the guys I try to think about everything they would say the advice they would give me but I need to hear there voices telling me I got this but do I? I don't know I have it in me to meet him and tell me things about my personal life. Sliding down the fridge I hold the photo close to my chest, I sit there thinking about the advice they would give me and how I would take it in. Staying still I look at the time and know I have to make up whether I'm going or not, climbing to my feet I throwing the first clothes I see on, I have no reason to dress to impress when he wont judge me for what I'm wearing. 

Picking up my jumper I throw it on and walk out the door ready to see what happened after my little moment, it would be rude of me to set up my brother especially after I asked to meet him in the first place, I don't think he would let me live that down and father would be disappointed to know what's happening between us. Walking past the cafe I was suppose to meet my brother I carry on walking doing another lap around not ready to go in yet or stand outside and risking my brother seeing me, could you imagine him seeing me and walking away again, even Jacob wouldn't let me live that down. Slowly walking around the block again I take a quick look at my watch knowing I have ten minutes before the time we was suppose to meet. I have been waiting for this day to explain everything to my brother and now i'm given that chance I'm about to bottle it. Finally finished with my lap I stand outside the cafe looking inside wondering if he's here yet, opening the door I step inside looking around for him spotting him in the corner on his phone, he properly thought I wasn't coming yet either. Walking over I slide in the seat opposite him looking around at the small cafe its cute on the inside, I can't believe how much has changed since I was last here. 

"everything changed hasn't it" I hear my brother say with his phone gone and a menu in hand instead looking at me for a quick second before putting his head down. Taking in his words I don't let them get to me before picking up the menu and looking at what they offer. Ordering our food with the waiter I don't know where to start, there so much to say but I don't want to bring any of it up, i'm not ready to revisit the pass. 

"I know I shouldn't of left with a goodbye and it was stupid of me on my behalf but I did write letters home I just couldn't send them. its over and done with so please lets move on and tell me how to build our relationship again" I say beating around the brush and asking the question that I want to know the answer to, this is all in the past and thinking about it reminds me that I lost eight years of my brothers life but before he could give me a answer our food comes. The tension between me and my brother could be cut with a knife and the waiter knows this but doesn't say anything, the only people who know anything is matt, Zoey and the guys. I kept myself closed off from everyone in the town as I don't want the pity looks that comes with it. 

"I would love to forget about the past and move on but you left us without looking back, do you know how that makes me feel. I want a relationship between us without secrets, I just don't know where to start Callie. I love you I really do I just not sure if this is a forget and forgive situation" hearing my brother say all that I know I really hurt him and I wish I could tell him everything but I just can't, not sure how to respond to my brother I take a bite out my burger keeping my mouth busy, how do I respond to that

"I don't want you to forget, i just don't have the answers your looking for. I can't tell you anything as I don't want to revisit the memories from my past as they contain kai and thinking about him breaks my heart" just saying his name hurts but in time I know I can say his name and smile but I can't its fresh and hopefully he understands as he was my reason to happiness. Putting my head down I don't say anything else but eat in silence as I hope he understands that he's not going to get any questions from me. 

"alright we can move on, I will forgive you on one condition that you tell me everything when your ready and just tell me the truth whenever I ask" listening to my brother say we can move on i'm over the moon as this is all I wanted to hear, right now I just want my big brother. Lifting my head up my eye meets his and I know he fully doesn't trust me yet and will be stand offish for a while but I gain my brother back. 

Finishing a late lunch with my brother I feel a lot better knowing I have my brother back and we are talking to each other again, I can't wait to have my boys back and feel whole again. its not the same me being here and them over there fighting for our county without me, I hate leaving the army the way I did but i couldn't continue. Giving my brother a side hug we both go into different directions with each other phone number, we didn't talk about each other as much as I hoped, I want to know how he's been and if he's seeing anyone but I don't want to push the boundaries as quick, baby steps. Walking home I let the wind hit my face feeling it as I get closer to home, I will never taken home for granted as the wind picks up, I miss the little things. Making up with my brother I can take it off the to do list as I think about how we both smiled as we decided to move on with life and focus on our future in each other life. I wont be disappearing again without a goodbye. Not realising I'm already home I walk in the apartment making my self comfy sticking the television on to listen in the background. 

I have conquered one fear of making up with my brother and now I just have to get over the silence, the fear of hearing nothing but myself think is killing me, I just want to over step the fear and move on but when I sit in silence the memory off losing my fiancé kills me inside and I can't cope. Before I left the army they reckon therapy but I couldn't sit there and talk to someone about what I'm thinking, they creep the s**t out of me honestly. Moving off my arse I walk upstairs stripping out my clothes and into running clothes needing a jog to clear my head. Sticking a pair of shorts on and throwing a top on with a jumper I know I'm ready. Locking the door I start with a gentle jog to warm up my muscles before I go full out needing to push myself, I need the air to breath. I need to be anywhere other then the emptiness of my home.