The scope of love

Chapter 20

“Brooke?” He caught on quickly. I didn’t make it difficult for him. I don’t know really why I wanted him to know, maybe I wanted him to feel bad for what he had done to me. He caused me so much pain. I knew the program was to blame, but he had cause me a lot of pain through his betrayal. He never owned up to it. I never got the closure I needed.

“What do you want Declan?” I want to hear what he has to say, but I also want this to be over. I don’t want my heart to betray me in front of him. I can’t let him know that I still have feelings for him. I don’t even want to admit it to myself. There is no way I want to admit it to him.

“You don’t look like you? You look so different. I know in the book you had talked about your one disguise, but now I understand how they couldn’t find you.” How is it that he got stuck on how I look. Out of everything I thought he would say he is fixated on my looks. I don’t know why I expected something more.

“Just go home! This was a mistake. I have nothing to say to. You read the book you already know everything and clearly you have nothing to say to me either. Just go home to your wife and don’t ever come back. Honestly this has just been a waste of time and a waste of disguise. You will probably tell someone at the program that this is how I look.” I got up shaking my head in disappointment, but as I started to leave, he spoke again.

“Do you really think I would do that to you, that I will betray you?” I turned around so fast that my world spun. The nerve of him to say that to me.

“Yes! Yes, I do. I don’t have any trust when it comes to you, you have already betrayed me before. I never betrayed you. I faked my dates with no intentions of being with any one else even when they basically set me up with my bodyguard. He was a nice guy! He was just like me just trying to get out from under the program. It would have been easy for me to just be with. I could have married him and the two of us could have finally been rid of the program, but I would never have done that to you! I was in love with you! I would never even have pretended to be in love with someone else. You moved on so easily. They said get married and you said how fast. It’s just proved that I was more dedicated to you than you ever were to me.” My fist was clenched, my nails digging into my palms as fought the tears that wanted to escape so badly.

“I am still in love with you.” Those words made me hold my breath as I frowned at him. How could he say something like that? He married someone else, how can he come here and tell me that he loves me.

“What is wrong with you! You are married, you have been married for two years. You are supposed to have started a family by now. How can you stand here and tell me that you love me and betray your wife. Don’t you have any moral integrity!” My hand itched to slap him. If I so much go and inch closer to him my hand will fly out and connect with his cheek. I also know I will feel satisfied when my handprint shows red against his cheek.

“I have never loved her. Please just let me explain to you. Just give me five minute and then you can yell at me as much as you want. Just come it here and listen to me, please.” He was begging. I liked hearing him begging and I want to hear what he has to say even if I don’t like it.

“I’ll listen, but for your safety it is better that I stay here.“ I folded my arms across my chest as if I felt cold, but my heart was aching to hear what he had to say, when he told me that he loves me, it leaped and for a split second I forgot that he was married and then I thought how she would feel if she ever found out about what he said.

“I also wanted to fake it through the speed dates and for a while I did. I was fighting back just as hard as I thought you were doing. Then they came to me and threatened you. They told me that they were going to lock you up because you weren’t following the rules. They told me if I took it seriously, they will leave you alone. So, I started dating. I didn’t really try, but I tried hard enough for them to leave you alone. That was when Ashley approached me. She was like you she didn’t like the program and what it was doing to us. She suggested that we should date and that it will only be a relationship of convenience. It was so that her parents would get of her back and the program would leave you and me alone. It wasn’t enough for them they thought that it was a fake relationship, so they told us in order to prove that it was real we would have to get married. Ashley and I talked about it and she agreed. I never in a lifetime thought that they would invite you the wedding. I knew that the two of us could never be together while things were like it was. I had a plan, but then I saw you at the wedding and I couldn’t even go after you. It would have ruined everything, but seeing you run away from me shattered my heart. It literally ripped my heart out. Then I heard you had left. I thought that I would never see you again and then I heard about the stories. I had a gut feeling that it was you fighting back again. Then the book came and I bought it. I read all about us and I knew that I had to find you. I had to see you again and tell you what had happened.” I listened to his story and it gave me a sense of hope, but I pushed it down, there isn’t hope. He is still married. I have no right to feel the way that I feel.

“I understand now that you did it for me, but it doesn’t change anything. You are married. It might have started out as a relationship of convenience, but it has been two years. You have been married for two years. You lived together as man and wife. It hasn’t been for convenience for a while.” He can’t stand here and tell me that nothing has ever happened that they are just friends. The day they stood in that church and took their vows it became a real marriage. Divorce isn’t a thing that is allowed.

“No listen we had a plan. We are just friends. Ashley doesn’t like me. She is attracted to woman. There wasn’t anyone she liked at the school and the idea of having to be married to a man and actually have to pretend with him for the rest of her life. She thought being with me would be easier because I wasn’t looking for a relationship. Of course, we never thought we would have to get married when we decided to fake it. We planned to bring the program down. We are using your original plan. She is studying to be a lawyer. She can get her hands on their files to use them as case studies. I am working for the program so I have insider access. We are going to take it apart piece by piece and expose all its faults. We’ve been planning this for two years, but it will take a lot of time.” The more he spoke the more hope I got. They weren’t really married and she isn’t interested in him. He still loved me. I wanted so badly to stop worrying, to tear my walls down and give in, but I can’t do that I am to afraid. I really got hurt the last time and he said that he is working for the program what if he is lying to me, what if all of this is just some trap. I’m to afraid to believe in him again. I have caused a lot of trouble for the program and they really want to get their hand on me. They have been looking for me for the last two years. I can’t give in and let them get me now. I’d rather stay guarded, safe and free. I can’t just jump into this like nothing has ever happened.

“I can’t.” I said before turning and running away before he could say anything else back to me.