The scope of love

Chapter 19

We published 500 more books. We didn't sell them this time since the program would stop us. They are looking at all the sites we use to sell. We delivered them to 500 random houses. The first page consisted of a personalized note from me asking them to pay it foward if they agreed with what the book said. The idea is to have these 500 books stay in circulation. I just want to reach as many people as possible. It's the only new plan I could come up with so far. It hasn't been easy. It is me against an army. After delivering the books, all I could do was go on with my everyday life. I thought about writing a second book about living a life away from the program. That way I can show and compare, but I haven't been living my life away from the program. Everything I do is centered on the program. Most people that read the book know that I went by Bree and some even came searching for me. It just proves that the people from the program didn't read my book, because they never came for Bree. I went through another transformation. This time I'm going for a sweet and girly style. I coloured my hair ginger and got extensions to have really long hair. I got a bunch of bows for my hair and my wardrobe got a bunch of autumn colours and cute dresses. I had eyelash extensions put in and used natural make-up, but I used plump lipgloss and contoured my cheeks. It made me look different. The biggest change was contact lenses. I chose a dull blue. I even look less than myself than I did as Bree. My new name is Elle. The people that came looking for Bree were always disappointed. Another month went by when someone from the program showed up. I couldn't believe it took them so long to figure out the Bree angle. They actually talked to me and didn't realize it.

"We didn't know that Bree and Brooke were the same person. Brooke was here telling everyone that she had left her school and the program. She said her family abandoned her and she is going to start over. Next thing I knew, she left. It's not like I knew her. She comes in here for all her meals and that's that. When she left, Bree showed up looking for a job, but she left after a bunch of people showed up looking for something to do with her book. I must say I would miss her, but she said she couldn't stay." I told the guy that had showed up. They came back three times after that just to make sure. I greeted them every time, laughing on the inside at how gullible they were.

"Good morning. I'm looking for Brooke or Bree. I really need to see her." I heard from the back. The manager and I have a deal. She doesn't mind people always coming in, but I need to deal with them and it can't take time away from me doing my job. I was quickly getting something to eat since I had a double shift today. I put my sandwich down and went to the front, but as I got to the front I froze. There, right in front of me, stood Declan. I was feeling so conflicted. He made my heart race and my stomach flutter, but seeing him also made me furious. I swear my blood boiled. I knew I couldn’t deal with him so I turned to walk away.

"Wait! They said you could help me." I turned back around and fury took over me.

"She isn't here! She moved away...I know who you are! Why don't you go back to your wife." I spat at him before trying to leave, but he grabbed my wrist, stopping me. His touch felt so right. I hated that.

"Please...I need to talk to her. I read her book..." he sounded so desperate. I didn't want him so close. I was afraid he would recognize me. There is just so much hair and make-up can do.

"So what, after reading the book you feel guilty for what you did. You read how much she loved you and you realized how much you stabbed her in the back. You told her you would always choose her and when things got difficult you gave up. She kept on fighting. She gave up everything! That is what you should have done!" I was near tears, but I couldn't cry. A stranger wouldn't be so emotionally involved. It would give me away.

"You don't know the whole story...She doesn't know the whole story. I'm still in love with her. I didn't just give up." The words I still love her rang in my heart. Those words made me want to believe him. He is married. It can't be true, but my heart wouldn't let me walk away.

"I'm working. I'll talk to you later tonight. I'm working until 8pm. You can wait or you can go home if you are worried your wife might be missing you." I snipped at him.

"I will wait." He said, walking over to a booth. He sat down and ordered coffee. I didn't mean that he should wait in here. How am I supposed to work here for 7 more hours with him sitting there waiting and watching me? I kept watching him as I worked. It was distracting. He was just sitting there drinking his coffee and looking around. Every once in a while, I caught him looking at me.

I could feel his eyes on me. It was like he was touching me. I know he was just making sure that I didn’t bolt, but it felt different to me. Why am I still feeling like this? It has been years. I should be able to move on by now, but I can’t. I’ve never been able to forget about him and I am aware how pathetic it is to be pining after a married man that clearly never loved me as much as I loved him. It is honestly the most hurt I have ever been in my life. What my parents did didn’t even hurt as much as his betrayal. I expected it from my parents. They have chosen the program over me countless times. I lost track of how many times I had begged them to just send me somewhere else. They were always more concerned about what people would think. They didn’t care about my feelings. I know saying that I expected more from him is ridiculous. We have known each other for a few months. I shouldn’t have had so much trust in him, but at every hurdle he proved me he was all the way in. He always chose me and then he didn’t anymore. I can’t understand that. He was in all the way. Then he let them control them again. I thought since he decided to stay at the school like me we were going to find a way around it, but he stayed because they had scared him straight. He stayed to find someone else. He didn’t wait long at all before finding someone. He didn’t fight at all. I guess I’m just being melodramatic. Or I’m just hurt. I haven’t taken time to heal and maybe talking to him tonight will help. I’ll have some closure and he will be able to go back to Ashley.

I'm not sure if I want closure. Then it was all over. It will be like we never happened. I never intended to fall so hard. I wanted to prove it's able to have feelings. When things got too serious, I should have walked away, but I didn't. On the other hand, if I did things differently, I wouldn't have been here and I wouldn't have reached as many people as I have. It was definitely worth it, no matter what it cost me. I decided to stop thinking about this and rather just focus on my job. When my shift came near its end, I gave Declan his bill. He drank 5 cups of coffee. I went to get the money and he didn't even tip me.

"A smile goes a long way." He said when he saw me glaring again. The truth is him sitting óe people with larger bills and who actually paid a tip. I'm also going to talk to him. He could be more grateful. I could have sent him on his way like I did the others. Now he is telling me I don't smile enough. I should have thrown the hot coffee in his lap.

"Meet me outside. I'm going to go clock out." I clocked out and went to meet him outside. I had him follow me and led him to the park to my bench where we sat down.

"You are going to tell me about Brooke now?" He asked, looking desperate.

"When I first came to this town, I slept on this bench. I slept on many benches...because I kept my promise, I kept on fighting while you caved under pressure. How embarrassing that I had more balls than you." I saw as he realized what I was saying. I was fighting the tears again.

"Brooke?"