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Kabanata 8: Moving Forward

I tried.

I tried telling him the truth about the past. I was willing to tell him everything already. Tungkol sa naging sakit ko, sa pagbubuntis ko, at sa rason kung bakit tinanggap ko ang perang inalok sa akin ng mama niya. Because after all, I’ve realized that he deserves to know the truth. Gusto kong aminin na lahat sa kanya so we could both live in peace. At para makamit niya na rin yung peace of mind niya.

But he didn’t let me explain. At ang mas masakit pa ay inisip niyang nagpabuntis ako sa iba when in fact, siya lang ang lalakeng nakagalaw sa akin. At sa loob ng pitong taon na magkahiwalay kami, wala akong ibang minahal na iba. He was the only person that I loved. Tama nga lang ang desisyon ko na iwan siya noon dahil kung sinabi ko na sa kanya noon ang tungkol sa pagbubuntis ko, baka hindi niya ako paniniwalaan at hindi niya matatanggap ang batang nasa sinapupunan ko.

This may be selfish but I’m still thankful na hindi na nabuhay si Nathaniel. I don’t want him to get hurt by giving him a broken family, and having a father na ayaw siyang kilalanin bilang anak. Things will get complicated if he still exists.

I looked at the picture of Nathaniel’s ultrasound.

Hindi ko namalayang umiiyak na pala ako.

“I’m sorry, my little angel. Sinubukan kong ipakilala ka sa Daddy mo, but I think that will never happen anymore. I’m sorry, I wasn’t able to tell him the truth about your existence. I’m sorry, anak.” At hinayaan ko na ang sariling umiyak.

Pagkatapos ay bumangon na ako at naligo. Habang naliligo ay hindi ko maiwasang maalala iyong huling salita na binitawan ni Gael kanina.

“Yes, Michaela. That’s the best decision you’ve made. You just saved me from making the biggest mistake of my life— at ‘yun ay ang mahalin ka.”

Napahawak ako sa dibdib ko. Ramdam ko ang bahagyang pagsikip nito. I must admit that it was a painful line to hear coming from his mouth. Alam ko sa sarili kong wala na akong nararamdaman sa kanya, matagal na. I already buried everything in the past.

But I know in my heart, I was hoping, too. Hoping that if we ever meet again, maybe we could work things out between us. At no’ng malaman kong ikakasal na pala siya, I was genuinely happy for him. I already accepted the fact that we will never be us again, at yung amin ay mananatili na lamang sa nakaraan.

Alam kong mali pero no’ng nandito siya at kaharap siya, aaminin kong masaya ako. Because I know in my heart that I missed him. That I still care about him. I wonder what he felt when he first saw me. I wonder why he wanted to know the truth about our past. I was wondering what he might feel once malaman niya na nagkaanak kami noon.

Napailing ako bigla.

“No, Mica. Simula ngayon, kakalimutan mo na siya,” I said, convincing myself at the same time. “Kung ano man ang nasa isip niya tungkol sa’kin, then so be it. I don’t need to explain anymore.”

Pagkatapos ng ilang minuto kong pagmuni-muni sa CR ay nagbihis na ako para makapagpahinga na rin. Saktong pagtapos ko’y biglang tumunog ang doorbell. Sino na naman kaya ito? Lumabas na ako sa kwarto para silipin kung sino’ng nasa labas ng unit ko.

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko when I found who that person is.

Excited kong binuksan ang pinto at nang makita namin ang isa’t isa’y hindi namin napigilang tumili.

“OMG! You’re back!”

“Yes, I am definitely back,” she answered. At muli kaming nagyakapan.

Pinapasok ko na siya sa condo at tinulungan siyang ipasok ang kanyang mga gamit.

“Kumusta naman ang bakasyon mo sa Japan?” pagbubukas ko ng usapan.

Bumuntong-hininga siya at pabagsak na ihiniga ang sarili sa couch. “Japan is like a dream come true. Mygosh, Michaela. Kung nando’n ka lang, you will never wish to come back to the Philippines.”

Napangiti naman ako. “Sa susunod na babalik ka, sasama ako.”

Umirap siya. “Duh, I refuse to believe that.” Saka siya natawa. “E ikaw, kumusta ka dito? What’s your status with Enzo?” Then she gave me a meaningful look.

Kumunot ang noo ko sa kanyang sinabi, “Status? Allison, we’re just friends. Huwag mo nga bigyan ng malisya ang platonic friendship namin ni Enzo.”

“I’m Allison, your best friend for four wonderful years. Kung may dapat mang mag-judge sa platonic friendship niyo ni Enzo,” idiniin niya pa ang pagkakabanggit sa ‘platonic friendship’. “Ako ‘yon at wala ng iba. Girl, manhid ka ba?”

She’s Allison Montereal, my only best friend. I met her at the studio kung saan nagtatrabaho si Enzo. PA palang ako non ni Enzo nang makilala ko si Allison. She’s a photographer that time pero a year ago ay nag-resign na rin siya. She started to build her own career as a content creator wherein she shares her experiences as a traveler. She started exploring beautiful places in the Philippines, and last month ay nagsimula siyang mag-travel outside, and that’s Japan.

I shrugged. “Hindi ako manhid. Ayoko lang i-take into a different way ‘yong mga gestures niya. Ganoon na talaga siya noon pa.”

“O baka kasi nakatali ka pa rin sa past mo kaya hindi mo nakikita ang mga taong gustong mahalin ka.” Napahawak siya sa kanyang baba, tila may iniisip. “Tell me, are you still in love with your ex?”

“No. Matagal ko na siyang k-kinalimutan.”

“Then why do you sound like you’re just trying to convince yourself?”

Napabuntong-hininga ako. Allison knows about my past. She promised not to tell anyone about it even with Enzo. Wala akong ibang pinagkakatiwalaan kundi si Allison lang. She knows everything about me. She knows about my baby. She knows about my past, and about my only ex-boyfriend, Gael.

“Alli, I need to tell you something.”

Upon hearing the tone of my voice ay bigla naging seryoso ang mukha niya. Umayos siya ng upo. “Spill it.”

“Our paths have crossed again after seven years.”

Nanlaki ang mga mata niya. “What? Kailan lang ito nangyari? Paano—”

“Sa engagement party na pinuntahan namin ni Enzo nung nakaraan.”

“Don’t tell me na engagement party iyon ni Gael?”

I smiled and nodded.

Napatakip ng bibig si Allison, hindi makapaniwala sa narinig. “Shocks! What a small world. Pinsan ni Enzo yung babae, am I right?”

“Yes.”

“Alam na ba ni Enzo ang tungkol kay Gael?”

Umiling ako. “Nagpanggap ako na hindi ko kilala si Gael. Akala ko iyon na huling pagkikita namin. But I was wrong.” Bumuntong-hininga ako. “He tried to reach me out. Ilang beses siyang pumunta dito sa condo ko just to answer all his questions about our past. He’s really eager to know the reason why I left him. And I was almost ready to tell him everything…”

Allison held my hand as if she’s trying to tell me na nandyan lang siya para makinig.

Hindi ko mapigilang umiyak. “It was too late. N-Nakita niya yung ultrasound picture ni Nathaniel.”

“What did he say after?”

“He thought I cheated on him. Akala niya… Akala niya iniwan ko siya dahil nabuntis ako ng ibang lalake. Sinubukan kong magpaliwanag but he just shut me off.”

Hindi agad nakapagsalita si Allison. Ako nama’y hindi na napigilan ang sarili na humagulgol. Hinayaan niya akong umiyak habang hinahagod niya ang braso ko. I needed this. I need to burst out everything so I can move forward already.

Ilang sandali pa’y nagsalita na si Allison. “Do you still love him?”

Hindi agad ako nakapagsalita.

“Even if you don’t answer, alam kong mahal mo pa rin si Gael. You wouldn’t be so heartbroken right now if you don’t.”

Umiling ako. “Oo man o hindi ang sagot ko sa tanong mo, wala rin namang magbabago. He’s already getting married, and we’re done. Matagal na.”

Sa kalagitnaan ng pag-uusap namin ay biglang tumunog ang cellphone ko. Kinuha ko ito at bahagya pang kumunot ang noo nang makitang unregistered number ang tumatawag. Out of curiosity ay sinagot ko ang tawag.

“Sorry to bother you at this hour, but is this Michaela Isidro?” tanong ng nasa kabilang linya. Pamilyar ang kanyang boses.

I composed myself first before speaking, “Yes, speaking. Who’s this?”

Si Allison naman ay nakatingin lang sa akin at alam kong pati siya’y nagtataka rin kung sino ang kausap ko.

“Oh, hi, Michaela! This is Maxine, do you remember me?”

“Yes, you’re Enzo’s cousin. I remember you.”

Rinig ko ang paghagikhik niya. “Before anything else, I asked Enzo about your contact number. I hope you don’t mind.”

“It’s okay. Do you need anything?”

“Oh my gosh. I am so shy to ask but are you free tomorrow? Enzo already told me you can’t come to dinner but may I know when is your free time? I really wanna spend time with you kasi. Nabitin kasi ako nung party,” paliwanag niya.

“Ah, about the dinner, I’ll think about it again. Please don’t get me wrong. Kung hindi talaga ako makakapunta, then that’s the time that I’ll tell you my available time.”

“That’s so nice of you, Michaela! Thank you so much. I’m sorry again for calling you at this hour. I hope to see you tomorrow at dinner, but no pressure, okay?”

“Okay. Thanks for inviting me by the way. Bye!”

After the call ay napatulala nalang ako sa cellphone ko. Pinaulanan agad ako ng tanong ni Allison pagbaba ng tawag. I told her kung sino iyon and also about Maxine's invitation. Pati siya’y napaisip.

Should I come to dinner and accept Maxine’s invitation? Or should I not so I could avoid Gael’s presence?

“If I were on your shoe, pupunta ako. You have to face that Gael and show him that you are not affected sa kung ano man ang recently na naganap between the two of you.”

“But–”

“Mica, stop running away. The more na iiwas ka, lalong iisipin ni Gael na apektado ka sa nangyari. What you need to do now is to prove to him na talagang wala ka ng pake sa kanya, at lalong-lalo na sa nakaraan ninyong dalawa. If you do that, it would hurt his ego.”

Allison’s right. Nanahimik ako’t umiwas but fate always brought us back together in so many ways. Now, the first step of moving forward is to face him. I should stop running away and become weak. Alam kong nasaktan siya when he assumed that I cheated on him and got pregnant by someone. If that’s the case, lalo kong ipapamukha sa kanya that he’s nothing and neither a loss in my life. I would provoke him, make him believe that he’s right all along, and that would make him more furious than ever. Paninindigan ko ang iniisip niya tungkol sa’kin. I knew this was a risky move, but it was my only option. The real game had just begun, and I was ready to play my part, no matter how messy it would get.