In Dreams: Bleed Out

Because Of You

"Found who Alexandre?"  I soothed as the turmoil of his emotions reached my nose.  He smelled like everything at once...fear, anger, happiness, worry.  I tried to draw him to the couch, but he was rooted to the spot.

"And it's because of you.  What you noticed.  I mean, they haven't found her yet exactly, but they've figured out how to track her."  He looked at me with eyes glazed over.  "It's almost over."  I stiffened as I realized who he was talking about.

"The Nurse."  I growled, so loudly that Alexandre snapped suddenly to attention, focusing on me, nostrils flaring as if sniffing for danger.

"Carys...  They haven't found her yet, but they're getting closer."  He warned cautiously.  "Do I need to help you calm down?"

"No!"  I spat and sped out of the room.  Alexandre gave chase.  I fled to the garden, still frigid, but no more snow.  I hadn't bothered with shoes, and I was wearing lighter clothes since the baby made me feel warm all the time.  I regretted that decision when I first hit the cold air, but the faster I ran, the less I cared.  I came to a stop in the middle of the gazebo with Alexandre a few steps behind me.  All of the past I had worked so hard to move beyond roiling inside me.  Deciding I was through with it all, I just opened my mouth and screamed.

I screamed as loud and hard as I could.  Birds flew from the dead branches of trees.  I felt my ears begin to ring, rather than hearing it.  I screamed for my past, for my present, my upbringing that prevented me from enjoying my life.  For my life, my death, my sister, my child.  Myself, for Alexandre, for every wrong that had ever been done to me.  Alexandre quickly ran up behind me and grabbed me around the waist.  He held me as I screamed until I couldn't stand anymore and my vocal cords were raw and tight.  Until the only sound I could make was the desperate heaving sob as the tears poured from the ragged hole in my heart and in my soul.

When I slumped to the floor of the gazebo, I noticed Alexandre's head was against my upper back, and my shirt was cold and plastered to me there, which meant he'd been crying too.  I wanted to say something to him, but the sobbing in my own chest hadn't stopped yet, so we just crouched there together for a while and rode out the storm.

Alexandre eventually draped his own shirt over me, trapping my arms within it and scooping me up against him like he was cradling a child.

"You're going to get a cold!"  I objected in a harsh whisper with wide eyes, staring at his bare skin.

"Carys, you left the house in a thin shirt with no shoes in thirty degree weather.  And you're pregnant."  His voice was still thick with tears, but he somehow managed to sound like he was scolding me.  He carried me back towards the house at a brisk pace, clutching me tightly.

"I'm warm enough."  I croaked in answer, and tried to clear my throat, then groaned.  My throat was still rough and painful.  Alexandre looked at me with worry and I tried to point at my throat, but the shirt got in the way, and flustered I waved my hands around trying to find the sleeves.

"Carys, be still or I may drop you."  Alexandre warned.  I stuck my tongue out at him and crossed my hands over the little bump at my waist.  My feet were beginning to feel the cold air though, and I moved them uncomfortably.  Alexandre noticed the movement but said nothing.

Once we got inside, Alexandre sat me beside the fireplace in our bedroom and started a fire.  He wrapped his warm hands around my feet for a few minutes, until he was satisfied with their warmth, then came to sit behind me, pulling my back to his chest and wrapping his arms around me comfortably.  He found my hand on my midriff and gently entwined his fingers with mine, and we sat that way watching the fire burn.

"If you ever want to talk..."  Alexandre offered.

"There's just too much.  A lifetime of crazy to unpack, it would take a lifetime or more to tell."  I sighed.

"I have the time."  Alexandre said softly.  I let my head fall back against his chest.

I walked on eggshells the next few weeks, waiting for the phone call that said they'd found her.  Alexandre explained that my small towns clue and the 'nurse' angle finally led someone to look into free health fairs that traveled around small rural areas.  It seems that's how she chose the places to find her victims, but nobody knew which events she was using, or which towns she would hit next, so they were trying to piece together more.  All this time they couldn't find a connection because they had been concentrating solely on the places of their deaths, but it looked like it was tied up in some complicated mess that only made sense to her.

Meanwhile my little bump was turning my stomach into a small mound.  I had started gaining a little weight and moved on to stretchy pants, much to Alexandre's delight, since he had bought a variety of them just for this reason.  Occasionally I thought I felt a flutter of movement, but I was sure it was too soon for that.  Alexandre had done some blood tests and said that of what he could get his hands on at least, everything came back normal.

I was grumpily stomping my way to the kitchen for the third time when Alexandre called me from upstairs.  His voice was barely above conversation level, so he must have heard me passing through.  I grumbled under my breath and rubbed the itchy spot on my stomach as I headed up the stairs.  Alexandre looked down at me with mild amusement.

"Are we having a bad day?"  He asked with a twinkle in his eyes.  I crossed my arms and stared him down.  "Ok, ok."  He relented, holding up his hands  "I don't want to fight that beast!"  He was suddenly behind me, kissing my neck.  "But maybe a kiss will make it better..."  He purred.  I swatted at him lightly, but he nibbled at me and I felt my knees start to give out on me.  Alexandre chuckled, holding me upright.

"I have a surprise for you."  He whispered against my neck.

"Mmhmm."  I murmured back.

"Are you ready?"  He asked me, and I nodded.  He pulled me down the hall a short distance to a set of double doors leading off the grand staircase.  "This used to be a proper study, like a library and office combination, but I liked the smaller space.  Now I thought we could use it...so I converted it."  He threw the doors open to reveal a large rounded room with huge windows, now opened to the late afternoon light.  The entire room had been redecorated into a nursery/bedroom combo.  It blended Alexandre's darker color scheme with vintage nursery whites and golds, and somehow the two fit together beautifully.  The crib was an amazingly ornate handmade thing settled comfortably by the bed, and the whole room was set up like a miniature wonderland for children and parents alike.

"Since we don't know the s*x yet, I just stuck with white everything for now, I hope that's ok.  And the clothing is all gender neutral.  We can move things out or around as you like, it was just the idea that I had to make things easier on us all."  Alexandre offered.  I was floored.  And scared.  But, I couldn't restrain my emotional response to his thoughtfulness, and turned immediately to grab him in my arms.

"It's perfect."  I whispered to him with tears in my eyes.  He blushed and grinned happily.  I wandered around the room, gently  touching the old white wicker rocking chair, smiling at the adorable bookshelf full of children's books, which earned Alexandre an enthusiastic kiss.  The little closet and chest of drawers were already full of clothes, as he said mostly whites and neutrals right now.  He'd even bought a stroller, car-seat, bottles, pacifiers, diapers all stacked neatly on a white and gold changing table.  I looked at these items and the dread hit me again.  What would our child even eat?  I rested my hand on my stomach.  Alexandre came up behind me and did the same.  I thought he had mistaken the gesture for something else.  He kissed my neck.

"Blood, formula, whatever.  We'll figure it out."  He told me.  I turned my head to look at him.

"You mean it?"  I swallowed.  He nodded.  This time, it was unmistakable, there was a solid thump under my hand.  "Did you feel that?"  I asked Alexandre with wide eyes.  He was looking at me with the same expression, which suddenly turned delighted.

"Daddy's baby is moving around in there!  Is baby excited about their new room?"  He crouched down and kissed my stomach and then froze, his eyes glazed over.  "Is she?"  He whispered.

"What?  What did you say?"  I demanded.

"I couldn't smell it before, it was too faint, but once I got closer to the baby, the hormone is strong enough now...  I think we're having a girl."  He looked up at me dazed, and I didn't know whether to laugh or cry, so I did both.

"So, why were you so grumpy earlier?"  Alexandre asked me curiously as we walked down the stairs.

"I don't think you'll understand..."  I replied.

"Try me."  He said.

"Well, your generation didn't have this luxury like we do, but with mine, sometimes we will, or would for me I guess, go to the fridge, look at all the things we have to eat, decide we really don't want any of that, go to the pantry, do the same, back to the fridge...  Sometimes, if you were lucky enough, you could order a meal on those days.  If not, you found yourself trapped in an endless cycle until you ate a dissatisfying meal out of desperation that you didn't really want and that you'd probably only take a few bites of and then throw away.  I'm having one of those days with our blood bags."  I said, rubbing my stomach.  Alexandre laughed.

"You're right.  I've never experienced that.  But I can offer you a healthy alternative here...  Or we could 'dine out' if you like..."  He responded.  I licked my lips.

"Not that I don't appreciate the offer of my favorite snack,"  I moved in closer and kissed him deeply as we reached the foyer, "but I'm thinking something else for a change."  My stomach growled and Alexandre laughed.

"Understood."  He pecked me on the lips and raced off to return with the car keys, a pair of shoes for me, and a heavy jacket.  He shook his head with amusement as I sat on the steps to put on my shoes.

"I don't know why you still insist on running around barefoot."  He said and I shrugged.

"Old habits.  Besides, I like to feel the different textures on my feet.  Even if I was blind I could almost tell you where I was in the house based on the feel of the floor alone.  Well the rooms I've explored anyway."  I stood and held out a hand for the jacket.  "You know you don't have to be so overly cautious with these things."  I grunted as I took the heavy white jacket.

"I'm just trying to keep my loved ones safe."  Alexandre responded, kissing me on the cheek.

"And I keep telling you this baby is like a furnace.  The longer this goes on, the hotter I feel."  I griped, slipping my arms into the coat.  I immediately felt my temperature rise.  "Ok, time to go."  I headed for the door.  Alexandre chuckled and bolted around me to open it and then asked me to wait for him for a second while he got the car.  I'd still never seen where he parked it.  I shook my head, grumbling about rich people again under my breath.  The car screeched to a halt in front of me in a few short minutes and I beat Alexandre to the door, climbing in eagerly, thinking of sinking my teeth into some nice, warm...

Alexandre cursed and the car spun as it came to a screeching halt.