My Untamed Princess

Chapter 37: Clarity

"I was looking everywhere for you," said the familiar voice on her back. She didn’t need to check who that was. She can recognize Will’s voice even from a crowd.

Hindi siya sumagot. Hinigpitan din niya ang pagyakap sa kanyang mga binti bago idinantay ang baba niya sa kanyang mga tuhod.

What was he doing there anyway? Tapos na ba itong makipag-flirt kay Kareen-mahinhin? She’d been there for almost two hours. Gaano ba kalayo ang kabilang hacienda at inabot ito nang ganoon katagal sa paghatid kay Kareen?

Oh well, that’s the least of her problems now. Ang dapat na pinorproblema niya, why is she unwanted everywhere she goes? What did she ever do to deserve all the hate and rejection?

"Pa'no ka umalis sa bahay? Sa'n ka sumakay?" tanong ulit nito.

But she stayed silent. She was watching the beautiful sunset from afar. She smiled bitterly after.

Lulubog na naman ang araw. Pero wala pa ring nagbabago sa buhay niya. Hindi pa rin siya katanggap-tanggap.

"You're not answering, mangku. Sino naghatid sa 'yo rito?" iritableng tanong nito bago umupo sa tabi niya.

She turned to him and met his gaze.  Worry was written all over his face, and she doesn’t understand why. Wasn’t she a burden? Someone he must get rid of so that he can continue with his life.

But she instantly forgot about when when she saw how the light of the setting sun danced across his face. Will is both her dream and reality.  She clearly smitten by him. And that’s a bad thing. Sadly, a bad thing.

Cassie is my responsibility.

She pressed her lips as she recalled what he said earlier that day. Her heart grew heavier on the thought.

Muli niyang ibinalik ang tingin sa sunflowers. A bitter smile lined across her face when she remembered something.

"Do you know the myth of the sunflowers?" pag-iiba niya sa usapan.

He heaved a deep sigh as a response.

"Clytie, a water nymph fell in love with Helios, the Sun-God. Everyday, Clytie would look up in the sky waiting for Helios to pass by. From sunrise to sunset, she'd wait for him. But he won't glance at her, not even a bit. And so for 9 days, Clytie abstained from food and water and just waited for Helios to be done with the course of his day. She waited and fed herself with the false hope that someday, Helios will look at her and love her like the way she had loved him. But it didn't happen. She was dying when the gods took pity on her and turned her into a plant that constantly looks and follows the sun from afar. Just... from afar."

She bit her lower lip. The story was so sad… just like her miserable life.

Will was her sun. The sun she constantly watches from a far. The sun she constantly longed for for its warmth. The sun so far… she can never ever reach.

 It took a while before she bravely met his gaze.

She swallowed hard as pain flooded her chest when the realization came in. She has to do what she has to do. She must give him his freedom even if that would cause her own.

"When we go back tonight, uuwi na ‘ko, Will. A-ayoko nang maging pabigat pa sa 'yo. Alam ko, marami ka pang gustong gawin na hindi mo magawa because..." She tried her hardest not to cry but the pain in her chest was so great she sobbed."B-because you’re stuck with me. I will talk to Dad na ibalik na sa 'yo ang f-farm. You… you just have to tell him that I’ve changed. I'll try my hardest to behave. I swear, you won’t be disappointed," aniya sa pagitan ng pagsinghot. Mabilis din siyang nagpunas ng luha.

"Cassie--"

"Please, let me finish," putol niya rito. "I’m sorry for what I did two years ago. I should never have followed you in Palawan. I pestered you and pushed you to your limits. T-tama ka, hindi ‘yon gawain ng matinong babae. But I want to be with you so much that I thought, if I offered you something all men wants from me, you'd learn to at least like me back. But I was wrong. Like I always am. And I’m so sorry for that.” She sobbed bitterly while wiping away her tears.

Will tried to reach for her and dry her tears but she refused.

She looked away and turned to the sunflowers once again.

"Two years ago, I followed you, not because I was asked to by someone you sincerely hate. But because I was desperate to be with you. I loved you then, Will. I still am.”  Pumiyok na siya sa puntong iyon. Napayuko na rin siya nang muling pumatak ang luha niya. "I am uncontrollable, spoiled, and a brat. Yes, I am all that. This world had always seen me as that.” She turned to him, as her tears continue to fall. “But God knows how I wanted to be invisible. If it’s possible to just disappear, I'd do that, but I can't. I am good, Will. But no one believes that. Not even my own father. And it hurts, here." She pointed at her chest. "Natatakot ako. Nalulunod ako. Nasasakal ako. Nahihirapan ako. I have been screaming for help for so many years, but people would always turn their ears away from me. They never listen," she explained bitterly as she slowly shook her head.

"That night when Dad and I were taken hostage, I wished I'd die that night. I wanted all my suffering to end that night. I wanted this life to end because..." She sniffed and slowly shook her head. "D-do you know why I fell in love with you?"

He slowly shook his head.

"Because you saved me when all of the world thought I am not worthy of saving. You made me think that though this world values me differently, maybe I am worth something if not everything for someone. That maybe, I could still change the course of things in my life. That I could start over… with you. But... I know now that you can never like me because I am me."

Napahagulgol na siya. Muli ay sinubukan siyang hawakan ni Will ngunit mabilis siyang umiwas. Umiiyak niyang niyakap ang kanyang sarili at umusog palayo rito. Pinagbigyan siya nitong umiyak. It took her a while to calm down. Iniiyak niya lahat. She wanted to make sure that after that talk, she won’t cry anymore. Nang kumalma siya, mabilis siyang nagpunas ng luha at muli itong hinarap. 

"From now on, do what you want to do. Don't think of me. Don't be bothered by me. Don't look at me or you'll only be annoyed. I am my own business, Will. I am not yours. So just forget about me. I-I heard you and Kareen. Go to her and just be happy. You deserved it," bulong niya bago pinilit ang sariling tumayo. Sumunod din si Will, binalak siyang alalayan. But again, she refused.

Her knees were shaking. Her eyes hurt. Her heart, broken. But she tried her hardest to stand on her own. She needed to get used to being alone again. Kung sabagay, matagal na niyang ginagawa iyon. Limang taon na rin. Limang masasakit na taon na rin.

"I'll j-just wait for you in the car," she declared when finally regained her balance.