Gravity

5. Sickness

“At the end of the day, it isn’t where I came from. Maybe home is somewhere I’m going and never have been before.”

― Warsan Shire

#350

Hey

I know it's been a while since I wrote to you and I know you're probably waiting for them too but sis we're okay. We've assimilated okay in the country, and the kids seem to like the people they've met.

Yume got sick, though, and I'm trying hard not to be a chaotic mess whenever he's asleep. Deep inside of me, I'm sadly still the crybaby you raised all those years ago, and just when I thought I've changed, I actually didn't. I also didn't do anything except worry for the kids nonstop.

Sana, on the other hand, is loving the friends she has and is learning Finnish quite faster than me that I could barely keep up. There are days she teaches me the words herself. I think she's the smartest one in the family now. It's no longer me anymore, and I know that's a proud moment, but I know what being the brightest of the family entails—just pressure and stress.

There are so many things I wanna tell you like the air here is so amazing, and the people are incredibly lovely, but they're so big. I know I'm taller than you, but sissy, everyone here is almost six feet tall. I can only count on my fingers the people that I've seen who are short. I have to look at them with my neck bent upwards as if I'm staring at the sky.

Ah, the sky. There are nights that I wait for the northern lights and hope for the best that it would come to visit me, this is not an excuse. I am mostly awake at night, not because of the nightmares or the worry for the future. It is mainly about the sky and the northern lights.

The people who helped me and took me to are helpful. The people they introduce to me are even more delightful. I'll try really hard to keep them and show them how much I appreciate what they've done, but… honestly, I'm so lonely. I know Sana and Yume are there for me, but there are days that I just want to break down and cry at how alone I am. I can't explain it, maybe because there are so many things I have to keep to myself.

Every day I regret telling the kids to lie for us since they shouldn't need to be. They're kids, and kids are supposed, to be honest to the point of insult, but I've raised them enough to be polite and not be that rude or cruel.

Especially when the two grow up, God, I fear the day that they will. I cried when Yume finally said those big words yesterday without struggling or stumbling on his terms. Of course, I cried behind closed doors, somewhere they wouldn't know. I wish you can tell me if I'm doing alright and that I'm not messing your kids up.

They're the only thing I'm keeping in mind now. They're all I have in this world at this point.

I have to go now. I haven't slept since Yume got sick, so I should also make myself useful and get some fire logs from the shed outside.

Bye

--

"You didn't sleep, nor eat properly?" Leena gawks at me while handing me a cup of coffee. "Have you ever really thought of yourself as a priority?"

Ashamed, I stare at my cup. I haven't been going to my job or school since Yume got sick, which I know is a horrible thing to do, but I just can't leave Yume with someone who doesn't know how weak my boy is. "Is this you coming to fire me?" I smile sheepishly

She scoffs while rolling her eyes, "No, what you've done is excusable. I am here to help you as a friend."

A friend… there was a painful tug in my chest at the thought of it. "I'm not a very good friend just so you know."

Then there was silence, and out of nowhere, Leena suddenly bursts out laughing. She laughs so much that some strands of her hair from her braid start to unravel. I look at her with wide questioning eyes, thinking if she has lost her mind

"I think you are, you just had really crappy friends who didn't care what you think or love in this life" she wraps her hands on her hot cup while smiling at me. Her eyes twinkling with sincerity, and I felt choked up. Thankfully, she is talking again before I had the chance to cry. "Are the kids still sleeping?"

I nod, "You came here pretty early."

"Yes, I did because I wanted to check on you. Why are you awake? I meant to just look into the window to see if you're alive or not. I never imagined that you'd open the door carrying so many logs on your own."

I shrug, "I couldn't sleep."

"I don't believe you. I think you're not letting yourself sleep" She huffs, "also, are all Asian parents like this?"

I shrug again "I'm just… worried. I can't leave them when they're sick, and I have to stay with them until they're better."

"But how is Sana? Isn't she getting sick too?"

"No, she's fine. Yume is the one who gets sick easily."

Leena suddenly turns quiet. She stares at me with a blank face, and I feel as to what she's going to say. "Why are you living alone like this if you don't mind me asking?"

I flinch, I didn't think that's what she's going to ask. Not at all, "What?"

She suddenly looks apologetic "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked that. It feels like I'm intruding in your life. I'm sorry."

I shake my head "No, no, it's fine. You just caught me by surprise. That's all."

"Really? But you don't have to answer me if you're uncomfortable, it's fine."

I shake my head "It's okay. Besides, I live alone because my Mom died of cancer, and my Dad died of old age."

"Oh, don't you have siblings?"

The mention of her feels like a punch in my gut. My old securities about the kids make their way through the barricade in my mind, but still, I know I have to answer her. There is no other subject that would make me feel this way other about her.

"She… died along with her husband in a car accident" He isn't going to find us

Leena nods slowly. I can see the sadness in her eyes from the information, and I think she doesn't realize anything. "I'm sorry. I and my curiosity are horrible."

"It's okay. I don't mind you asking that" I warm my bruised hands on my cup of coffee. I try hard to conceal them with my long sleeves. "So? Does this mean I really still get to keep my job?"

She laughs, "Yes, don't be ridiculous. Finland has the best childcare system, and that includes emergencies like this."

"I'm glad that covers my kids and me."

"Oh, of course, you are. Aiti arranged those for you."

"She did?"

"You didn't know?" she scoffs. "Seriously, girl, you're going to be well taken care of here. we like you, so you get to stay."

"Then what happens if you don't like me?"

She shrugs, "We'd send you to Sweden."

I laugh "You guys really hate each other"

"No, we don't like them because they're p*****s"

It was about lunchtime when she went back to the bakery. I'm convinced that she didn't see my bruised hand throughout her staying in the house. Sana is at her school while I stayed with Yume. She strongly insisted that she stayed with me if I fainted out of exhaustion again, but I promised her that that would never happen anymore

Even if it feels like it's a promise I can't keep. I had to keep it, though, since I don't want her to catch me on the floor ever again.

There's the strong smell of the menthol that I rubbed on his body. It's one of the Asian remedies that could help with this, and this is the only thing I brought from home. I look at the almost empty bottle in my hands. This is the only thing left from a home I escaped.

It is strange how this small thing can already mean so much to me, but now this tiny boy matters more. I used it all up, just like how I was taught to do and waited. Waited for something to be different. For him to get better, and we'd be able to do what we always have done.

"Just… get well please" I hold his little hand in mine. My tears burning in my eyes while I touch his eyebrow. "Mama is getting so lonely without you. I don't think I can last at all if you don't wa-ke up."

I gasp. I can't believe I'm crying so much. My boy isn't going to die. No matter what.

"Hey"

I jump in surprise to see Aunty Mira by the door of the bedroom. "Aunty"

She smiles "I'm sorry the door was open, and I heard that our little boy is sick" she comes in the room with a basket filled with food and medicine. I see salves and the smell of the delicious sandwiches she probably made. "Here, eat."

Shocked, I wipe the tears on my sleeve and stand. "Aunt Mira, you didn't have to—"

"It's no trouble," she gives me something wrapped in foil and pushes it in my palm. "go to the dining room and eat. I'll just make him drink some Finnish medicine, and I'll be out."

"Aunt Mira you rea—"

"Hush," she pulls me out of the door, and before I can say anything in protest, I hear the big lock of the bedroom door.

My stomach loudly rumbles, and I'm shocked. I stood there for a long while until I gave in to the smell and open the foil. I sit just beside the door while I ravished the whole thing until I licked the foil on my hands.

When was my last meal? I don't even remember anymore.

"Wow, you're a wild girl."

I jolt in surprise again. I look up, and it was Tapio looking down on me with such a goofy smile. "You're that hungry? Sven should've told us sooner that idiot."

"W-W-what?" I stutter. My cheeks blushing to the point of pain.

"Relax, you're still beautiful. Kind of hot really the way you lick it out of the foil" he gives me one of his signature smirks, and I just had to roll my eyes. he squats down to my eye-level, "Look at how much you have let yourself go."

Did I? "Sorry," the blush has spread across my body like typhoid.

"It's fine, sheesh girl" he pulls me up to my feet and takes the foil from my hands. Not even disgusted by the fact that it's filled with my saliva. He crumples it together while throwing it at the near bin. "Oh, by the way, my stupid brother is sulking. He thinks you hate him, so you should try to cheer up the old fool."

I froze, "He thinks I'm mad at him?"

He looks at him from head to toe then suddenly smirks, "I smell a misunderstanding."

"I think it was," I confirm to him.

"Better makeup with him then," he pulls me to the kitchen where I see Sven putting food from the Tupperware and to the plates with his back facing us. "Hey, dumbo."

Sven turns with a glare, but it quickly changes to surprise when he sees me, a small form beside Tapio. He looks as if he's sputtering in surprise. Do I look that bad? I wonder

"Hey, um," he sheepishly says.

Tapio chuckles, "Well, Mom is calling me, so I better go and help her."

"I didn't hear anything," I say, but Tapio was already strutting to the bedroom door.

If I didn't know any better, it feels like he's just trying to get me alone with Sven in the kitchen. The guy who probably hates me for how I treated him the last time we've met. I realize how much I pushed him away from that; it seems like I'm ordering him, which he is probably offended by.

Sven looks even tenser when Tapio left, and I feel even more awkward just standing there. Sven's eyes seem as if it's going to pop out at how much he doesn't know what to do. I feel exactly the same as I stand there awkwardly while I scratch my arm.

What the hell am I supposed to do now?

Sven suddenly clears his throat. He looks composed now, more than me. I'm envious that he already did. "I'm…sorry for being pushy last time."

"No!" I bite my lip at how loud I was. My face burning because of it. I feel even more sheepish now as I stand there under his intense gaze. "I should—be the one to say sorry. I was insensitive since I was panicking and…all I could think about is my son."

"No, it's okay. I would've been the same if I were in your shoes."

"Still, I'm sorry. Also, thank you for calling your Mom because if you didn't, I think I would've fainted at some point."

"It's nothing, and you weren't that bad. I mean you did need some help, but you're managing"

"Trust me, it happened before, and I'm thankful you guys are here. I can't let Sana be traumatized of seeing me on the floor ever again."

"What?"

My heart froze. I slap my hands over my mouth at the realization of what I said. My blood draining out of my head as I slowly look at Sven's questioning gaze. He seems a bit enraged, too, from where I am.

"This happened before?"

I slowly put my hands down and nodded. There wasn't any point on lying now. "It's fine, everything turned out okay. You know, I need to check on them."

I ducked out of there before Sven could stop me. I went straight to my room and see that Mira was just sitting beside my son. She sees me and smiles "He's going to be okay now. I've done as much as I can."

I forgot she's a doctor sometimes. I should remind myself that she is especially at critical times like this. I nod, thankful. A sigh of relief comes out of me like a dam as I walk to Yume on that big bed.

"I don't smell any food on you," Mira says, her brows knitted together in concern.

As if at the mention of food, my stomach made a loud growling noise, and I feel a sharp pain in my stomach. God, did my ulcer come back again? I have no time to go to the hospital or the money to pay the hospital right now.

"I think I need to eat" I keep a blank face as I walk to the kitchen. I needed something to eat asap. I need something to nourish this stupid gut so it wouldn't eat itself. I'm too broke to go to the hospital, so I need to eat regularly.

Moving to the kitchen, I grab one of the sandwiches that they prepared for me. I feel the texture in my mouth, the taste exploding in my tongue, and yet I chewed twice before swallowing it. I desperately cannot have my ulcer to come back again.

"Are you okay?" I hear Sven asks me

I nod. "Mhmm, you should eat with me."

He shakes his head, "Nah, we hunted dear, so it's fine."

"Hunt? You guys hunt?" the thought of anyone of his family with a gun surprised me, they were too sweet and too kind to even hold a weapon against an animal.

He nods, "Just elk and such."

"Oh," I took another bite and swallowed it immediately. I took a glass of cold tap water and drank it down to push my food deep inside me. "That saves a lot of money, I guess."

Should I take up hunting too? It would help our budget for the month.

"If you want, we can give some of the meat to you, there's always too much really even for us."

The idea was tempting, but I thought it was too much already. The house, the furniture, and even the help they gave us to get to this country are enough. Taking their food is now just stupid, and too much, so I shake my head as an answer and politely thanked him.

"Are you sure?" He still looks like he wants to press me

I wave him off "It's fine like really. Plus, Yume has a weak stomach for new things, but it's not because he's picky. It's just his body, and disposition is compassionate."

"…really?"

"Yeah, I'm not kidding even. My Yume has always been…sickly for most of his life. All his life actually" My stomach starts to feel better. I'm relieved that it was just hunger pangs and not the real deal of an ulcer.

My mind was now on researching how to hunt elk. I'd rather do it myself right now instead of relying on the hem. I can manage as long as I researched it properly in the library or on the internet.

"Well, my Mom has good healing hands. Plus, we have a good doctor who treats patients without any fee as long as you feed him good food," he chuckles "Though don't comment about his size if you do meet him."

"Noted" I smile at him, the air around us seems to be less tense now. More relaxed and how it was the first time we got along. It felt nice. It's been a while since I've had this feeling before.

I hope this lasts