The Dream

1 THE BIG DECISIONLek lay on the thin mattress on the living-room floor between her husband and her granddaughter, thinking about the bombshell that Craig had dropped on her earlier that day. They had abandoned their beautiful bed with its expensive mattresses more than five years before because the tiling on the four-foot thick solid-concrete subfloor was always cool to the touch. Now they had aircon, but were so used to the floor that they soon developed bad backs from sleeping on soft beds. The nearer the baby was to the floor, the shorter distance she could fall as well, so now the beds and the both bedrooms were kept for visitors. As she lay on her back staring at the ceiling, Craig put his hand on her still-flat stomach. “Are you awake, darling? That’s not like you. Are you still thinking about what I said earlier?” “No”, she lied, “you go to sleep, I’m just trying to remember what I’ve got to do tomorrow”. “I know it’s a big decision, my dear, but there are many reasons why the time is right to do it now… you can see that, can’t you?” He patted her tummy gently and she laid her hand over his for a few seconds, before turning away to face Shell. A couple of tears traversed her face. Previously, he had always been the one who had difficulty getting off, while she could normally sleep anywhere any time. It looked as if tonight would break the mould though, she thought. She and Craig had been together for fifteen years or so. When they had met, it had been her goal to find a falang and either go back to his country with him to work and make some ‘big money’ or emigrate there with her daughter and seek a foreign passport. Fate had had other plans in store for her though, because the man she fell for, the one lying next to her, had wanted to live in Thailand, and she had gone along with him, because she had saved for Soom’s further education and Craig had savings and seemed capable of earning. However, she had acted foolishly and squandered her savings and more besides. Craig had stepped into the breech to pay for university, but it had cost him all his savings and his apartment. It was partly because the exchange rate had swung against him by thirty-three percent She remembered what a cow she had been at the time, when she was considering ditching him and going back to work, which would have forced him to have to go back to the UK broke. She found it hard to believe that she could have contemplated being so callous now. Nevertheless, he had stuck by her and she by him, although she had never given up two of her oldest dreams: to own a car and to work or live abroad. She had the car now, and could have had one years earlier, but it had been as Craig had said: she hadn’t needed one. The car on the drive had cost a million Baht, worth nearly six years’ gross salary for someone with a decent job, but was barely used. She had to find excuses to take it anywhere despite having Shell and working in town a few days a week. He had been right, but so had she, she thought. Her argument at the time had been that he had learned that through having one, and she wanted to learn for herself as well. They had both used the same argument for living or not living in Europe too. Then today had happened. Craig had said that it was time to go to the UK. After fifteen years, he was offering to fulfil her final dream, but it scared her so. She had everything that she had ever wanted, except her daughter living with her, and having worked abroad, and he was asking her to give it all up in order to go away and start again. It was so scary. She had complained bitterly for more than twelve years about not being able to work away and now she could, or she could just be a lady of leisure over there, although her Thai earnings would not go far in Europe, she knew that. In her village and surrounding area, she was someone. She was an Orbortor, an area financial controller, and a successful businesswoman, but in Britain, she would be a nobody with an average wage. Then what about her family? Now that her mother was in her seventies, her siblings looked to her for help and advice as the head of the family. She also had a daughter and granddaughter to be there for. She was beginning to wish now that she hadn’t caused such a fuss about living in Europe for all those years. She had never told Craig, because it would have cost her Face, that she knew of lots of girls who had regretted moving away from Thailand in search of money in cold, distant, friendless lands, where they had no family for moral support, despite the Internet. She was frightened now that she would soon be one of those women living in cold, cold Britain regretting having attainted her dream. Craig had told her that that happened to lots of Thai women a decade ago as well, but she had chosen to laugh at him and ask how the Hell he knew. He knew, because he had talked to many falang in Pattaya who had told him about their experiences, he had said. She had lied and said that she had never met girls who had come back and said that. Many women said they had had to return to look after Mum, or someone else. Now she thought they may have been Face-saving excuses. She could just refuse, she thought, but it didn’t sit right with her somehow. She heard Craig start to snore. It was the first time she could remember his having got to sleep before her and wondered whether it was because he was going home. He had said many times that living abroad was enjoyable but a strain, if money was in short supply. She didn’t want to go back to having to worry about money again, and especially if she were living in an expensive country like the UK. She foresaw their lifestyle dropping by twenty to twenty-five percent, and it made the future look gloomy. She cursed herself again for not listening and complaining so much. She knew that her mother would be brave and say that her place was at her husband’s side. She also knew that Soom would find a way of taking care of Shell, but she didn’t want to be excluded from their lives. When sleep came, it was only fleeting. Craig woke her up, because she seemed to be having a nightmare. It was four o’clock in the morning, and she had been dreaming she was dying in a hospital bed in the UK with only Craig and a nurse at her side. “It was horrible, Craig”, she said, “I don’t think I’ll be able to go with you. Will you be able to come back to see me sometimes?” “What? After all the nagging I’ve had to put up with over the years? What the Hell are you talking about?” She took his hand and told him all her concerns. Tears flowed down her cheeks and the sun rose as she did so. They got up for breakfast earlier than usual and continued their conversation in the garden, while Shell slept on oblivious to the massive disruption in her life that was being discussed by the two main people in that life. “I’m not saying that we have to leave next month, Lek, we could wait a year, and I’m not even saying that you have to give me your answer right now. However, if you are coming with me, as I had assumed, I have to do things one way and make plans accordingly, and if you are not coming, then, well, I might just go and live in Spain”. “Spain? I thought you said the UK?” “Why does that make a difference? Look, I am European, I can go and live anywhere I like in Europe, but you, being Asian, cannot. At least, not without certain planning. Once we get you into Europe legally, we can both go anywhere. I’ll be a Pensioner soon, and I’ll be able to have my pension sent to me anywhere in the world - even Japan”. “No, I don’t want to live in Japan… no, no thanks”. “Eh? I’m not suggesting we go and live in Japan, it was only an example”. “Good, because I’d rather stay here than go to live over there. I wouldn’t know anyone… or be able to speak the language”. “OK, forget about Japan, I wish I’d never mentioned it now”. “How long would you want to go for?” “Well, it won’t be only up to me, but I was thinking of five years”. “OK, leave it with me, Craig, I need to get on now and think about it in my own time. Do you remember that Soom is coming up for Mother’s Day and our birthdays?” “Yes, it’ll be good to see her again and maybe you’ll discuss it with her…” “Yes, maybe… we’ll see how it goes”. Craig kissed Lek on the cheek and hugged her close. She put her arms around his waist and then they set about their morning routines. ∞ Lek got Shell ready for nursery school, took her by car and then returned home to talk to her mother about her latest dilemma. “But you have always wanted to try living abroad… we used to talk about it often”. “Yes, but now I have a good job, and Shell, and I’m older…” “I should think that Shell is the most important of those excuses, and when you first talked about going abroad, you had Soom - your own little girl, but that wouldn’t have stopped you back then”. “Probably not, no, but I didn’t know what a joy it would be to watch your baby grow up. I’m glad that I didn’t go now, and I don’t want to miss seeing Shell grow up either…” “No, but she is not really your responsibility. She is your granddaughter and you are helping out. I have thought for a while now that you are becoming too close to Shell. I think that you would be devastated if circumstances arose one day, which would mean her moving away from you - far away. It could always happen, and you, as her guardian, have to be prepared for that day or it will break your heart. It sounds incredible now, but what if you ended up hating Soom because she took Shell away from you? It would mean losing both of them”. “That would be cruel indeed, Mae”. “A cruel twist of fate, yes, but not necessarily your daughter’s choice. Still, would you be strong enough to see it like that, if it ever happened? “It is far better to go through life helping others when you are able to, but all the while remembering that they have… everyone has his own life to lead according to the choices they made before they were born and their Karma. You cannot alter someone’s Destiny, it is pre-ordained, and so is the amount of help you can give. You can only do your best, Lek, you are only learning like most of us on Earth”. “If it were down to me, we would stay here, and things would go on just as they are now. This is the happiest time of my life and I don’t want it to end”. “You are talking about yourself an awful lot in that last sentence, my dear. I know that you are not a selfish person, but that sentence belies that fact. Are you frightened of going to live in Europe?” “No, Mae, leastwise not in the same sense as I was fifteen years ago when all the old biddies told me I might be sold into s*x-slavery! But maybe I am scared that my family will forget me if I stay away too long in the same way that Craig’s family hardly talk to him now”. “I didn’t know it was like that. How sad for Craig. You have met his family, are they anything like us?” “They were very nice, but they just seem to have learned not to talk to him, but no, my family and his are nowhere near the same”. “So what are you worried about then? Sometimes we see things that do not exist, including problems. I take it that Europe is not a jail, so surely you can come home wherever you like, be it for a holiday or for good. At least you will have tried, which is a darn sight more than ninety-nine percent of the people here. How long are you proposing to go for?” “We’re not sure, but three to five years. It’s not certain that we’ll be able to afford a holiday back here…” “I see… that is your main concern. I see now… Shell is nearly three and it is likely that she would have forgotten you in three or five years. However, you can become part of her life again. She will accept you with open arms, you can guarantee that”.