The Why Behind What We Feel

Chapter 22- Call Me Tyler

Lizzy and I have been packing up the things in the apartment we shared for the past couple of hours. It's been a bittersweet process to say the least. She's leaving tonight for New York and I probably won't be seeing her again for a while.

After the way she's been there for me lately...how will I ever live without her?

I don't even have anyone else here, other than Aspen, that I consider a true friend. No one else knows me like Lizzy. She's like the yen to my yang. We are two totally different people, but balance each other out at the same time. I helped her to stay on track with her studies for the past four years and she helped me to have fun and enjoy myself. Without her, I'm afraid I'll never attend another social gathering.

We've been sitting on the floor of her bedroom, cleaning out her mess of a closet. Lizzy comes from money, so she has an endless amount of clothes, shoes and accessories. When I first met her our freshman year, I never imagined we'd end up being friends. I took one look at her hot pink pant suit, matching heels, diamond studded Channel earrings and Louis Vuitton bag and made an inaccurate judgement of character right away. Her hair was perfectly in place, her makeup was flawless. I just knew she was just some spoiled, rich white girl who turned her nose up at girls like me.

So imagine my surprise when she proved me wrong. I remember it like it was yesterday, even though it was years ago now. We sat next to each other during freshman orientation. She asked me where I was from and we were surprised to learn we were both from the outskirts of New Orleans. She grew up in Metairie, just north of the city, while I grew up in Slidell, across Lake Ponchartrain. Both our families suffered significant loss after Katrina. Both of us had close relationships with our grandmothers. And we both had hopes of becoming doctors someday.

We had a lot more in common than I ever could've imagined. It blew my mind, since we seemed so different on the outside.

Lizzy turned out to be one of the most genuine people I've ever met. She's generous and kind hearted. And she became the best friend I've ever had.

"Well, that's it," Lizzy says, taping the last of her boxes shut.

I look up at her from my spot on the floor with tears in my eyes. I've had so much going on lately, I haven't had time to think about how much this goodbye is gonna hurt.

"Don't cry, or I cry too," she whispers, already tearing up herself.

I stand up and hold my arms out to her, poking my bottom lip out.

"Dammit, Sessy," she cries, jumping into my arms. "I'm gonna miss you so much!"

"I'm gonna miss you too. Thank you for being so good to me over the years. I never could've afforded this place without you. And we made some really great memories here."

She pulls away and smiles at me. "I wish we could do it all over again. It went by too fast."

"It really did. But you're going to make an amazing doctor. I can't wait to see your face on the cover of Time Magazine for curing cancer or saving an entire African village from starvation."

"Don't toot my horn," she laughs. "I mean, I hope you're right, but that's setting the bar kind of high."

"You'll do great things. And I want to know about all of them. Even if we only have time to talk once a week, or even once a month, I want to know everything going on in your crazy world."

She laughs through her tears. "I want to know everything going on in your world too. Keep me posted on grandma and Aspen. And especially Cecily."

"Don't worry, I will," I cry, hugging her tight.

While I'm crying like a baby, the tears aren't necessarily ones of sadness. I'm proud of Lizzy. I'm excited for her new life in New York.

Aspen, Drake and I help Lizzy get her things loaded into her car and after a tearful goodbye, Aspen and I leave her alone with Drake to say their own tearful goodbyes.

We go back into my apartment and sit down on the sofa. I stare at the wall in front of me, once covered in Lizzy's art. She loved to paint and she was pretty good at it for an amateur. Now, there's nothing left in the living room except the sofa, a small end table and a pile of boxes in the corner.

Tomorrow, I'll be moving my things back into my grandmother's house. I'm excited to be close to her again, but leaving the French Quarter will be harder than I thought it would be. I love it here. It's my place. It's my culture. I know I'll only be a short drive away, but I'll never be able to walk out my door and see the lively streets full of music and laughter. And worst of all, I won't be a stones throw away from all the best places to eat.

"Are you okay?" Aspen asks, breaking me out of my thoughts.

"Yeah, I'm fine," I sigh, leaning back and crossing me feet. "I just can't help thinking about how much I'll miss this place."

"I wasn't here very long, but I have to agree; I'll miss it too," Aspen replies.

"When I left home for college four years ago, I never imagined I'd end up loving it here as much as I did. I never thought I'd make friends, so I just knew I'd be destined to live in the dorms through college. But I got lucky. I never would've been able to live here without Lizzy. She covered most of our expenses just so I could live here with her. She could've easily found a roommate who was able to afford their fair share, but she wanted me to live here with her so badly. I'm glad I did, since I ended up next door to you."

He grins, pulling me into his arms. "I'm glad too."

We sit in comfortable silence for a while, but it doesn't stay comfortable for very long. Aspen and I are alone. Very alone.

I can't say I haven't thought about what being with him might be like. I've thought about it a lot since we met, if I'm being honest. I'm just so nervous about those things actually happening, and even more nervous about things changing between us after they do.

I can't be like this forever though. Things are going to progress between us; it's only natural.

I pull away and meet his eyes, knowing he's thinking about the same things. He's probably not nearly as nervous as me, but there are still some nerves there.

"So how should we spend our last night in the French Quarter?" he asks, smiling softly at me.

I swallow hard. I know exactly how I want to spend this night, I'm just not quite sure how to communicate that to him, or even where to start.

"I don't know, I'm kind of tired after all this moving," I tell him.

"Yeah, I bet. Plus, you overdid it today. I know you're ready to get back to normal, but your body needs time to heal."

I chuckle to myself. "I barely did anything."

"Do you feel okay? Do you need your pain meds?" he asks.

"No, I'll be fine," I reply, waving him off.

"Are you sure? I don't mind getting them for you."

"You're willing to drive an hour, round trip, just to get my pain meds for me?" I ask in surprise.

He nods, looking at me as if he can't imagine why I'd ask such a thing.

"That's very sweet of you, but I'll be fine. I promise," I assure him, giving him a quick peck on the cheek before I stand up.

But he catches my arm to stop me. He looks up at me with that familiar vulnerable look in his eyes.

I wait for him to say something, but he only stares at me. I can tell he wants to say something, but there's a war waging behind those pretty green irises.

"Want to watch a movie or something?" I ask after more silence than I can take.

He seems to snap out of his daze and after a few seconds, he nods. He looks around the room, furrowing his brows. "But...Lizzy took the TV."

"I have one in my bedroom."

His eyes widen, though he quickly pulls himself together and tries to seem indifferent. "O-okay."

He follows me into my bedroom and I shut and lock the door behind us.

I pause, my hand still on the doorknob. I'm suddenly so nervous, I can hardly breathe. I know I want this, and I know I want it with Aspen. But I have no idea how to initiate it.

I startle a bit when Aspen wraps his arms around me from behind. He buries his face in the crook of my neck and breathes in deep.

He brushes his lips across my skin, making me shiver. My heart is pounding, my body growing hotter and hotter by the second.

Not able to take it anymore, I turn around to kiss him, but when I do, he pushes me into the door, pinning my arms back. He doesn't say anything, only watches me, as if he expects me to either push him away or ask him what the hell he's doing.

I couldn't speak or move even if I wanted to. I don't know whether or not I should be afraid, but I know I want him even more than I did before.

As if he can see it written all over my face, he smirks at me. "Don't start something you can't finish."

"I don't intend to," I say, matching his confident tone.

He studies my eyes for a few seconds, searching for any kind of hesitation on my part. But he won't find any.

"I want this, Aspen. I want you."

His eyes grow even more intense at my confession. He releases me and wraps his arms around my waist, eliminating the space between us.

I hold onto his muscular arms, bracing myself for whatever comes next.

He leans in slowly, giving me plenty of time to change my mind before he kisses me. When I don't stop him, he finally presses his lips to mine, gripping my T-shirt in his fists.

My heart is racing, my head is spinning, but I know what I want, and I know I want it now.

Right now.

Aspen picks me up and carries me over to the bed, never breaking our kiss. He gently lays me down and climbs over me.

This is it. This is happening.

He sits up and pulls his shirt over his head. My eyes widen as I take him in. He's got an amazing body. He's so toned and muscular.

My hands seem to grow a mind of their own and reach out to touch him. His skin is so soft and smooth, but those muscles are rock hard.

I sit up and lift my own shirt, a little nervous to remove clothes after seeing Aspen's model quality upper half. But even before I've gotten my shirt over my head, Aspen's hands are on me.

He kisses his way up my stomach and over my b*a. He pulls me into his lap, wrapping my legs around his waist. He plants his hands on the small of my back, his thumbs dragging tiny circles across my bare skin.

I can see the scar on his neck more clearly than ever. And now, I know why it's there. It breaks my heart that he's had to go through so much, but that all happened during a time in his life when he had no one; no one to turn to, no one who would listen. Now that he has someone who loves him, he's becoming the man he was always meant to be- the man I fell in love with.

I brush my fingers over the scar, making him tense up. He swallows hard, causing his Adam's apple to bob like a cork.

I kiss his neck, just below his earlobe, slowly working my way around to the thin line, about three inches or so across the middle of his throat.

I want him to know I won't let anything like this happen to him again. He doesn't have to run away, and he doesn't have to wish for death. He has me now.

And I'm ready to give him the love he deserves.

I sit up and meet his eyes. There's probably so many things going on in his head right now; things he probably doesn't understand. After all, this is as new to him as it is to me.

"Sessy, I...I..."

I wrap my arms around his neck, pressing my forehead to his. "Don't start something you can't finish," I smirk at him.

He smiles, looking rather relieved. He leans forward and kisses me, but it's not just a kiss; it’s powerful, it's reassuring, it's nothing short of magical. It makes my nervousness melt away, reminding me I'm not just losing my virginity, I'm creating a deep, intimate bond with another human being. My favorite human being.

He pulls away after a while, holding me against his chest. His heart is pounding as hard as mine. I've never felt someone else's heartbeat like this. It makes me feel connected to him on a deeper level- a level that neither of us have explored before.

"Hey, Sessy?"

"Yeah?"

"I want you to call me Tyler."