Secrets and Silhouettes

To friendship or to date?

As the school day progresses, I find myself lost in a haze of thoughts, barely registering the passing periods and class transitions. Lunch is a distant memory, and even the familiar surroundings of the math class fail to fully engage my attention. I can sense Allen's disapproval, his concern evident in the furrow of his brow and the occasional glances he cast my way.

But I push aside any guilt or obligation to explain myself to him. This project with Pike occupies my mind entirely, leaving little room for anything else.

Feeling optimistic about the year ahead, both academically and personally, fills me with a sense of contentment, albeit tinged with the awareness that such moments of happiness might be fleeting.

Nevertheless, I choose to embrace this positive outlook and relish in the present moment. With Pike occupied with work for the evening, I decided to dedicate my time to my art project. The task at hand is to discover and depict my spirit animal, a journey that promises to be both introspective and creative.

As I pondered over the choice of my spirit animal for the fine art project, my thoughts drifted towards the snow leopard. Majestic and elusive, it embodied traits that resonated deeply within me: Solitude, Adaptability, Stealth, Patience, Mystery, Strength, and Grace. Its solitary nature mirrored my own need for introspection and independence, while its adaptability and resilience reflected my ability to navigate life's challenges with grace and flexibility.

I imagined myself embodying the spirit of the snow leopard, gracefully traversing the rugged terrain of my own journey, guided by intuition and inner strength.

Yet, as I considered the butterfly, another compelling option emerged. Symbolizing transformation, growth, and personal evolution, the butterfly represented the profound changes I had undergone in my life.

Its delicate wings whispered stories of self-discovery and the beauty of embracing change with grace and resilience. I envisioned myself as the butterfly, emerging from the cocoon of my past experiences, ready to spread my wings and embark on a journey of transformation.

With both options swirling in my mind, I resolved to design and draft sculptures of both the snow leopard and the butterfly. Each creation would be a reflection of my inner journey, a visual representation of the qualities I aspired to embody.

Only after completing both sculptures would I decide which spirit animal truly resonated with me, guiding me forward on my path of self-discovery and personal growth.

My phone rings and Allen’s name is displayed on the screen. I answer without hesitation.

“Hi,”.

“Hi, what are you doing?” comes his voice

“I am busy with homework, and you?”

“I was wondering if you would like to go and have a coffee.”

“Snuggles, I would love to but I have a lot of planning to do. Raincheck?”

“Sure. No problem. Are you at home?”

“Yes, I am. Why?”

“Can I come by?”

“Sure, as long as you don’t think that I am rude if I get lost in my work.”

“Promise. See you now.”

“Okay. Bye,” I said and hung up.

As I awaited Allen's arrival, I couldn't shake the reluctance to discuss my art project with him. It wasn't that I didn't value his company or appreciate his concern, but there was a part of me that felt guarded, and protective of the innermost thoughts and emotions embedded within my creative process.

Allen, like my other friends, knew only the surface of me, the persona I had crafted and presented to the world. They were unaware of the intricate layers that lay beneath, the depths of my soul that I kept hidden from prying eyes. My need for independence, for solitude, and introspection, was often misunderstood by those around me who thrived on social interaction and external validation.

I cherished the moments of solitude, the sanctuary of my own thoughts and musings, where I could explore the recesses of my mind without fear of judgment or interference. And while I welcomed Allen's company, I knew that some parts of myself were meant to be kept sacred, shielded from the scrutiny of others.

So as I awaited his arrival, I braced myself for the inevitable conversation, the polite inquiries about my day, and the casual banter that would dance around the edges of my innermost thoughts.

And though I longed for his presence, a part of me yearned for the solitude of my own company, where I could delve into the depths of my creativity without inhibition or restraint.

I descend the staircase and open the door. “Hellooo.” I say. He wraps his arms around me and hugs me. The hug feels more, more intense than his normal hugs.

As we sat in the kitchen, the air thick with tension, I couldn't ignore Allen's palpable unease. His usual easygoing demeanor was replaced by a jittery restlessness, and it was evident that something was weighing heavily on his mind.

"Are you okay?" I asked gently, my concern evident in my voice. "I can sense your stress. And you are never stressed."

He took a moment to respond, closing the door behind him with a heavy sigh. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just needed to see you."

“Coffee?” I offered, hoping to ease the tension with a warm beverage. "Yes, please," he replied, the words tumbling out in a rush.

As we sat at the kitchen table, sipping our coffee, Allen's fidgeting grew more pronounced. His nervous energy was palpable, and I couldn't help but feel a pang of concern for my friend.

"Allen, what's wrong? You're acting weird," I ventured, unable to mask my curiosity any longer.

He hesitated, the words catching in his throat before spilling out in a rush. "Your lab partner, he's giving me weird vibes. What did you discuss with him this morning? And why did you have to be alone?"

I took a deep breath, bracing myself for the inevitable confrontation. "Allen, we don't know him. Therefore we can't judge him," I began, my voice steady despite the rising tension. "He's my lab partner, and I don't have to disclose what we discussed. And I promised him to keep his private things private."

He stood abruptly from his chair and began pacing around the kitchen island, his movements agitated and uncertain. My heart rate quickened as I watched him, sensing the weight of his words before they even left his lips.

"Ali, uh... I need to... Oh God, this is difficult," he stammered, his voice thick with emotion. "You know I love you as a friend. And that I would do anything for you. And seeing you with that guy, it made me realize that the love I feel for you is real. It's not fake, it's not just friendship. It's full-on love. Like I want to be with you. I want everybody to know."

Before I could process his confession, his hand found mine, his grip firm and desperate. His eyes bore into mine with a mix of hope and fear, and I felt the weight of his emotions crashing over me like a tidal wave. And then, before I could react, his other hand was on my cheek, his lips pressing against mine in a sudden, unexpected kiss.

I recoiled instinctively, my mind reeling with shock and confusion. Allen, my dear friend, whom I had always thought was gay, was now professing his love for me in the most unexpected of ways. Panic surged through me as I pushed myself away from him, my heart pounding in my chest.

"Allen, no! What are you doing?" I exclaimed, my voice trembling with a mix of disbelief and dismay. This wasn't how it was supposed to be. This wasn't what I had expected. And now, everything felt suddenly uncertain and out of control.

"What do you mean, you love me?" I took two steps back, my mind spinning with confusion and disbelief. "How is that even possible?"

"I don’t know, I did not know until I saw you with Pike this morning. I felt angry that you would keep things from me," Allen confessed, his voice tinged with desperation.

"Allen, I am not keeping anything from you. I am keeping Pike’s secrets. You have no right to those. You were supposed to help me from getting a boyfriend, now you want, what, to be my boyfriend?" My voice rose with frustration and incredulity.

"Yes, God yes. I want that more than anything else," he declared, his eyes pleading for understanding.

"I think we need time apart," I asserted firmly, trying to steady my racing thoughts.

"What? Why?" Allen's fear was palpable, his desperation evident.

"Allen, you confessed feelings to me you did not know you had until you saw me with another guy. Chances are you don’t have feelings for me but that you are just jealous. I don’t know what for because he is only my lab partner," I clarified, emphasizing the word 'only.'

"And what if we spend time apart and my feelings do not go away?" he pressed, his voice shaking with uncertainty.

"We cross bridges in our path when they come. Please don’t put me on the spot," I pleaded, struggling to find my breath. "I can’t do this. Not now. You know how important this year is for me and yet you decided to become a distraction.

I need you to leave, you need to give me space."

With a heavy heart, I turned and walked away, leaving Allen behind, hoping to salvage what remained of our friendship before it was irreparably damaged.