Hard of Desire

Chapter 9

I  sighed and closed my laptop shut. I decided to go downstairs for dinner when I realized two hours passed since I sat in my study.  I stood up and cracked my back before making my way to the kitchen where my mother was busy preparing something for dinner. I ignored her and made myself a sandwich. I was going to take that sandwich up to my room when my mother's gentle voice stopped me.

"Hanna, can you have your dinner at the dining table?" She requested to me softly, making me freeze momentarily on the spot that I was standing, "Please" She added when I didn't turn around.

This isn't going to end well. I just knew it. I could feel it.

I didn't say a word but I swiftly turned around and made my way to the dining table where my father was sitting waiting for my mom to bring him his plate of food. I ignored his piercing gaze as I sat in a chair quietly and began to bite into my poorly made sandwich. I tried to not make a face when I tasted the food I made and forced it down my throat.

My father cleared his throat to get my attention. I paused biting my sandwich briefly but then I started munching it faster this time, "Sweetie, are you angry with us?" My father asked me but I ignored him, keeping my eys on my sandwich.

"Talk to us, honey" My mother butted in as she set a plate of food in front of my dad.

I ignored my parents and finished my awful sandwich in a record of time. I stood up quietly and walked into the kitchen to wash my plate which is totally unnecessary because we had a maid for that but still, I would do anything to avoid them. After washing my plate, I sauntered lazily out of the kitchen.  My parents were throwing worried looks my way but I paid no mind at them and went to the living room.

I haven't talked to them since the dinner we had at Declan's. I avoided them like a plague. I made sure I never bumped into them when I get out of the room.

Of course, I hear them sneaking into my room almost every night but I pretended to be asleep. I didn't want to confront about anything to them.

I flopped on the sofa and switched on the TV. I started flipping through the channels when my mother came in and took a seat to my left and my father joined us on my right. I tensed a little but I kept my eyes glued on the TV screen.

"Honey, please don't ignore us like this" My mother's voice cracked a little when she said that. She looked like a mess. Her hair looked like she had run her hands through them a million times in frustration.

I turned my face and looked at her. She gave me a pained smile, tears were brimming in her eyes. It looks like she is about to start bawling her eyes out anytime from now. I was actually stunned for a moment because my mother would never allow herself to look this vulnerable in front of me.

I have kept all the pain I felt inside of me for a very long time now. I felt like my mind was losing its capacity to hold in any more pain, stress, or pressure from my own self. I felt anger bubbling up inside of me.

"Well, you ignored my feelings so I think I have the right to ignore you too. Don't bother about me, mom. After all, I'll be spending only four more days under this roof" I hissed through my teeth harshly, words spilling out from mouth effortlessly as I lost the little ounce of patience that was left in me.

They had broken me beyond repair. And now they know it, that they have lost their daughter forever.

My eyes fell on my mother and I noticed tears dripping down from her eyes when I finished my little rant. Instantly, I wished I could have taken back all the words that I uttered just now. Her eyes held so much pain in them, her lips quivered as she shook her head as if she doesn't believe that I had just said that.

Dang, I feel bad now. I felt like a spoilt brat. An ungrateful child.

From the corners of my eyes, I saw my father's head snap up facing mine, "Watch the way you talk to your mother, Hanna" My father warned me sternly. I rolled my eyes at that and shifted my body to face him.

"Oh dad, don't worry. You will get rid of me in a couple of days. No one will ever talk to mom like that anymore. Ever!" A flash of hurt crossed on my father's face and I averted my eyes away from him, not wanting to witness his pained face. I stood up in confidence and started towards the stairs, with my head held high.

I paused on the fifth stair and slowly turned around to face them. Both of them perked up and they looked at me in hope. Hope for me to apologize and run into their arms like I always do. But, what I said next probably broke their hearts.

"I never thanked both of you for looking after me all this time. For bringing me up from I was a baby till now. I swear I will pay back everything you did to me" I said and they both started to walk towards me but I held my hands up and they stopped on their tracks.

I kept my face void of any emotion, "When I start working, just give me a price. I will slowly pay back my debt. I might not be able to pay your time, efforts, and energy back but I surely can pay back all the money spent on me" I promised them, my voice steady and clear.

I ran upstairs after that to my room and shut the door behind my back. Breathing hard heavily, I slid down against the door and dropped myself on the floor, cupping my mouth.

What have I done? How could I do that to my own parents? How would I face them after everything that I have said?

I started sobbing silently and curled myself into a small ball. A gazillion tears rolled down my cheeks and I made no attempt to wipe them. I just cried my heart out until I felt better.

I don't know for how long I cried but eventually, I got tired and got myself a throbbing headache. I pulled myself up and found myself some aspirins. After consuming it, I went to bed. Flopping my face down, I let some muffled cries against my pillow.

I don't know how long I cried. Maybe I have cried for hours or a few minutes but it was starting to take its toll on me. My sobs eventually turned into hiccups and faded until only tears were flowing freely down my cheeks. It felt like I do not have the energy to even cry.

My eyes started to burn and I was on the verge of falling asleep when I heard the door creak open and instantly I tried to even my breath. I heard soft footsteps padding towards me and the bed dipped under the weight of someone as they sat on the bed next to my head.

The familiar smell made me relax a little and I instantly knew that it's my father is the one who is with me right now. I continued to pretend to be asleep because I do not have the strength to face him right now.

I felt his hand on my hair and he released a long sigh, "I am so sorry, baby girl. I know you feel trapped right now but I promise that everything is going to be okay" I felt him stroke my head gently.

A few minutes of silence engulfed us. It was comfortable, but I didn't dare to sneak a peek. I wouldn't want to make this more uncomfortable than it already is.

"I will never choose something bad for you. I am doing this for your own good. You will understand in the future. I love you, Hanna." He whispered, his hand still stroking my head, ever so lightly.

"I can't" My father's voice cracked and I tensed up a little reflexively, "We can't lose you too, Hanna" He managed to form a sentence, brokenly, while sniffing away his tears.

I felt a teardrop on the side of my cheek and my father made a sound, "Losing your brother already damaged our lives and I can't imagine my life without talking to you" He said, wiping his tear that has fallen on my cheek gently, "Go to sleep, honey" he cried out brokenly and I squeezed my eyes shut tighter.

He knew that I was awake all this while.

I felt him kiss the top of my head and heard a sigh escape from him. He pulled my blanket to my chin and tucked me in like he used to do when I was younger. I heard him saunter out of my room shutting the door quietly behind him.

I let out a relieved sigh and turned over, lying on my back. I was glad that my father acknowledged that I was awake only when he was about to leave my room.

Or it would have exploded into another argument.

Now I feel guilty for my harsh words earlier. Maybe I should apologize to them tomorrow morning. I love them too much to keep up with this silent treatment for too long. But I hate them too much for putting me in this situation.

It's ironic, isn't it? The ones you love the most are the ones who hurt you the most.

I sighed, pulling myself up to a sitting position. Throwing my hair into a bun, I got out of the bed and made my way to my desk. Pulling the drawer, my eyes found what I was searching for at ease.

I took the glossy picture that I treasured more than my own life, gently, in my trembling hands, and kissed it, my eyes watering. A familiar, dull yet painful feeling clenched in my heart as I stared at my brother's picture.

The pain was the worst in the beginning but now it is bearable but still painful. Maybe I am finally learning to live without him or maybe I am now used to the pain that lifeless now,

But, it is not the same without him. It will never be the same without him.

I hugged the picture to my chest and sobbed silently, letting my tears flow freely now. I can't help but think about how it will be if he is here now. Maybe he would have stood up for me against our parents. Maybe they would have listened to him. Maybe this entire situation would not have happened in the first place because I would probably be in  Chicago with him. Just like we planned.

But I could only see the possibilities and what-ifs because my brother is no longer with me. And I have to accept it. I had to swallow this bitter pill of reality.

I pulled back to stare at the picture. Remembering all the tiny details on my brother's face before putting the picture back in the drawer and closed it shut. I wiped my cheeks dry furiously. I will not cry anymore. I will not waste my time crying over something I cannot have. He wouldn't like it if he knew that I was crying.

I took a deep breath and began to plot. I will marry Declan but I will make sure that I won't fall in love with him. I would never allow him to break the walls that I have built around me. I would make his life hell and eventually, he will have to give in. Eventually, he wouldn't want me and will give me a divorce.

But my plan sounded too good to ever happen in reality. It doesn't make sense. I hold too much value for marriage to shatter it like that. I couldn't destroy Declan's life along with mine.

I thought about my conversation with Declan earlier today. He did sound sincere. I wondered if things would work out well with him.

What if I gave in and let the walls around me collapse for once and let someone in. Why that someone can't be Declan for instance? What if I somehow find happiness back with him? Would I still want a divorce then?

A small sigh left my lips as I racked my brain for endless possibilities and what-ifs, but now, my thoughts circled around Declan. Someone that I can have by my side if I get married to him. Someone who might understand the pain that I am feeling if I open up and share it with him.

If? More like when.

A small part of me wouldn't let me be happy. How can I be happy when I get to live a life that my brother was never even got to experience it? How can I let myself move on when I am sadly one of a reason for my brother's death?

If I never called him there, he would probably be alive now. This was all my fault. Anna was right. 

I shook my head to clear my thoughts, not willing to think about the what-ifs anymore. It is exhausting, mentally, and physically. I took a deep breath and tried to relax. I headed to the bed and got under the covers, pulling it to my neck.

If I close my eyes now, I am pretty sure that I will have nightmares about my brother but I was more than ready to shut my eyes. I rather see them in nightmares than not seeing him at all. I gave into the darkness, slumber lulling me as I thought about my brother again with a sad smile on my face.