Hard of Desire

I watched the woman who gave birth to me, eighteen years ago incredulously as if she had lost her mind. The woman whom I call mom. The woman who is literally making me contemplate running away for good at this very moment. "MOM THIS IS CRAZY!" I shrieked, my throwing arms on the air. I wonder how many times I have repeated that sentence for the last half an hour. Maybe a few hundred times? My mother watched me with calculating eyes. I could almost see her brain forming new bullet points to make me somehow agree to her demand. The most ridiculous demand in human history ever. "No way in hell this is happening" I hissed through my teeth, trying so hard to rein in my anger. "He is someone I grew up with and I could never see him in such a way" I protested, narrowing my eyes at her as if that can make her see my point. How very clever is that, Hanna? I am pretty darn sure that my beautiful face is as red as a big fat tomato right now. Thanks to my mother for making me furious on this beautiful sunny morning. My mother on the other hand seemed dangerously calm and collected. She gracefully poured the milk into a bowl of cereal. She may look like she is not thinking about anything as she did that but I know better. She is the most successful lawyer in the state we live for a reason. She casually lifted her brown eyes to meet mine. I could see a few emotions dance in her beautiful doe-like eyes but what stood out most scared me a little. Determination. I wanted to laugh at the irony. A brilliant lawyer like her having naive doe-like eyes. Her eyes hid mischief and knowledge so very well. Looks does can be deceiving, isn't it? "Hanna, you do know that I will think about anything thoroughly before taking any decision don't you?" She asked me in her professional tone or that's what I imagined her tone during her work time would be like,"Especially any decision regarding about you" She added, before taking a sip of coffee. She pushed the bowl of cereal to the empty seat in front of her, signaling me to sit. I sighed before sauntering to the dining table to take a seat. Despite everything that is happening, I could not ignore my starving stomach. "Just because I am eating it doesn't mean that I agreed" I warned her before taking a spoonful of cereal and stuffing it in my mouth with unnecessary force. I winced slightly as I accidentally jabbed the spoon on my teeth and I prayed she doesn't notice that. "You will marry him," She said in a final tone as she scrolled down her phone, "The decision has been made" She smiled down at me lovingly. Lord, how did my father put up with her all these years? I swallowed down the food I was munching quickly, "I am the one who should make a decision in my life" I barked in rage making mother's eyes widen a little for a flicker of seconds. Guilt welled up in me when I noticed that. My mother never ever lost her composure for even a second in front of me. I instantly regretted raising my voice at her. But can you blame me? It's not every day I wake up to be informed that I will be marrying someone my parents chose. And to make it worse, it's someone I spent my childhood with. "I cannot see him in that way, ever" I argued again in a softer yet firm tone, "And I am just eighteen. Too young to get hitched" I reminded her, resuming to eat my food. "When was the last time you met Declan?" She raised her perfectly threaded eyebrows, clasping her hands in front of her. "About ten years ago?" My answer came out like a question because I was a little confused by her question. I vaguely remember the last time I met that cute chubby boy whom I avoided meeting that day. Maybe at a dinner or something. "Then you don't know if you will see him in that way or not" She grinned down at me in excitement. I looked at her as if she has grown another head. My mother doesn't make any sense to right now. Maybe it's just a dream. Not a nightmare. A nightmare that doesn't make any sense to me. A nightmare that I will be free from in a matter of minutes when I wake up. Maybe I should pinch myself. So that's what I did. I pinched myself. "Argh" I moaned in pain. I was so desperate to wake up from this nightmare that I actually pinched myself so hard. I winced as I rubbed the spot that I just pinched. That's going to bruise. I looked at my mom only to find her already watching me incredulously. She continued to watch me for a few more seconds before bursting into a laughing fit. Nope, not a nightmare. "Did you actually-" My mother gasped for breath in between her laughing fit, "Hahahaha pi-pinch yourself?" She continued to laugh, doubling over while clutching her stomach. My cheeks flushed, "I- uh I-um" I stammered uncomfortably while scratching the back of my neck. Something I did when I am embarrassed or nervous. Probably the only I hate about myself is that. Stammering. "Good morning, lovely ladies" A familiar deep baritone voice greeted us. My mother and I turned our head to watch my father dashing towards us in his grey suit, looking handsome as ever. He quickly kissed the top of my head before walking to my mother, kissing her cheeks, like every day. My mom blushed like a bride on her wedding day when my father kissed her cheeks, something she did every day. Even after two decades of marriage, they are still hopeless romantic and in love with each other like teenagers. "Look at your daughter, I don't want to get married to Declan" My mother mimicked my voice. Poorly. I scowled at her before crossing my arms against my chest and looked the other way. I should be laughing at her for mimicking me like a five-year-old kid in her white blouse and black pencil skirt if we are not discussing my arranged marriage in the year twenty-twenty. I can't believe some parents still believe in an arranged marriage when we are literally living our lives in this fast lane. "But, mom! This doesn't make sense at all!" I repeated again, glaring at the refrigerator. "I don't want to get married right now. I am just eighteen!" I hissed in anger, turning to look at her again. My mother was glaring daggers at me. If looks can kill, I am sure I would be six feet under already. I glared back at her not wanting to back down. But eventually, I couldn't bring myself to glare at her for a long time. I broke my eye contact with her, glaring down at my bowl of cereal. I really feel like throwing up right now. I just lost my appetite and let me tell you, that never happened. I am a foodie. I love eating. Of any other time during this whole day, she is telling me that I am going to get married Declan, the boy who used to bully me on this beautiful morning? To ruin an entire day for me? Perfect timing mom, great. From the corners of my eyes, I saw my father threw a disapproving look at my mom. That got my attention, I smiled timidly at him in hopes that he will help me get out from this situation but my hopes got crushed when he threw the same look at me. "Carmen, let our daughter eat first. It is not good to fight or argue in front of the food." He said, biting into an apple. I smiled widely at him and playfully winked at him to which he winked back at me, the corners of his green eyes wrinkled as he smiled in amusement at me. I chuckled lightly and sent him a thumbs up. My mother just watched us, shaking her head with a small smile playing in the corners of her lips. Yay! I love you, dad! I quickly ate the rest of the cereal as if I haven't eaten for days. I chugged down a tall glass of orange juice and I sighed in contentment. I pulled my hair into a low ponytail and grabbed my keys, ready to leave college. I was about to stand up when my father cleared his throat,"You still have time" He pointed out looking at his watch, "Yeah, I was thinking about visiting the college library to look for some articles regarding an assignment" I told him looking in the mirror to fix my hair. "When it's due?" He asked me with interest, "Next week" I told him, turning around to fix his tie for him. "Hanna?" He asked, "Yes, dad?" I smiled up at him, smoothing his tie against his chest. "You have to marry Declan" I gaped at him with my hanging wide mouth open in shock. I closed it and open it again, lowkey looking like freaking goldfish but I cannot form any words or sentences. So much for loving you, dad. "But dad h-" I started but then, I quickly pursed my mouth when he gave me the harshest glare ever. I shrunk away from him, unwilling to upset him. That glare, though. It only meant one thing. The decision is final and it's not open for a discussion. "No buts, Hanna" My mother interjected, "You may be eighteen but you still act like a child," She said shaking her head. I rolled my eyes at that and stopped myself from sticking out my tongue at her. I am anything but childish. "So the best solution is to get me married?" I asked her, sarcasm dripping in my tone. "Watch how you speak to your mother, young lady" My father literally growled at me, making flinch away from him. My mother ignored that and walked gracefully towards me, "No, you're the daughter of a wealthy businessman and successful lawyer" She stated as if it was the most obvious thing in the world, "You see we have rivals that do not like us and we just want you to be safe" She informed me, fixing my bangs and gently ran her hand on my back. "I can take care of myself" I shrugged off her hand, earning a little glare from her. "Hanna there is a huge spider at the side of feet," My father said, pointing at my feet with wide eyes. I jumped at that, maybe a foot high before running to the nearest chair and climbed up to stand on it. I frantically looked around trying to spot that ugly creature that I am so very afraid of but a low chuckle made me look up at my dad in question. "Can take of yourself, can't you?" My father mocked me, earning a deadly glare from me. "We just want someone to look after you, honey" My mother held her hand out for me to take. I looked at her and then at her hand. With a sigh, I took her hand and got down from the chair that I was standing on. My father came to stand beside me and I elbowed him, but it felt like my elbow just made contact with concrete. "But marriage is not a solution mom" I started, "I can learn self-defense or something," I told her excitedly, "Besides, how old is he? Thirty?" I made a face at that and pretended to gag. Marrying some twelve years older doesn't sound so appealing. "He is twenty-five" My father informed me. Seven years, then. Still, too old. "That still doesn't make me feel better" I huffed in annoyance. "Oh, you will feel better when you meet him" My mother grinned at me knowingly. She looked a little creepy now. I looked at her, bewildered. I wonder why she said that. "But I don't love him! And arranged marriage sounds so old-fashioned dad, no one gets forced into marriage by their parents anymore, this is 2020 daddy!" I ranted, feeling my eyes well up in anger and sadness. I saw my mother tense up when my voice cracked a little. She exchanged a meaningful look with my father. My father nodded at her. I let my mother guide me to the living room and we sat on the two-seater. Tears started to roll down my cheeks and furiously wiped it away. My lips trembled. My parent's decision will always win in the end. At this very moment, I knew no matter what I say, I cannot change my parent's decision in this matter. I will be forced to marry that Declan. "Mom, I want to study, fall in love. Focus on my goals and career, make mistakes, and then get married. Am I asking for too much?" I blabbered at her teary-eyed, trying to make her see and understand what I really want in my life. "Honey, you will love him someday. He will look after you. Just marry him okay? Sometimes arranged marriage works even better than love marriage honey" My mom said in a softer tone. "You will be meeting him tomorrow," My father said, standing in front of me, "The Wilsons' invited us for a dinner tomorrow" He informed me. "You could get to know him" My mother suggested. "And then can I reject him?" I asked in hope, my eyes pleading as I looked up at him. "Nope" My father answered with a shake of his head, popping the 'P'. His eyes remained impassive. "Why?" I asked him brokenly, a few hot, salty, traitor tears rolled down my cheeks. My father's eyes visibly softened at me at the tone of my voice, "Cause I already promised Declan's father that I will get you married to his son" He admitted, looking away from me. "Without asking for my consent?" I asked him, hurt by his actions. I looked down at my feet. My father didn't say anything for a few moments and I thought he won't reply to me but after a minute or two, I felt him place his index finger under my chin to look up at him. "I believed that my daughter will do as I say" Was all he said. Of course. "I have class," I said, my shoulders sagging a little in defeat. "Don't even start. Nobody has classes on a Saturday night" My mother glared at me. "I meant I have class now," I told her, looking pointedly at the wall clock. My mother nodded and stood up, and smoothed down the crease on her pencil skirt, "Okay, we are leaving to work as well" She said, hooking her arm around my father's arm, "Have a great day ahead" My father wished me with a smile. "Sure" I grimaced. They both started to walk away from me towards the threshold but then my father paused halfway, halting my mother's steps too, "Oh and Hanna?" He looked over his shoulder and smiled, "You will be marrying him in two weeks' time" He said and quickly left.