Before June

Day 18

Location: Bohol [1 / 2]

It was a pleasant morning when we got in the car and drove on reclusive roads with the crowning trees. And I just found myself being lost in a misty forest, escaping in my world that feels suffocating to breathe. Thinking that maybe I could find myself on the road I walk on, under the crowning trees.

After long darkness that enveloped the world, finally, the sunlight filtered through the trees, giving hope to those hopeless people like me. It wasn't a nice morning as it seems to be, I feel so sick like I just wanted to lay down on the bed and do nothing today. My morning is not as good as I wanted it to be.

That even the sunrise can't take all the pain within me. When someone shows me light, I don't know what to do with it because my heart has been rusted by sadness. Is it okay if what I do today is to survive? To breathe? Because I feel like I need to move forward, I need to value every second in my life because it feels like I'm running out of air.

I raised both my hands in the air as I was in the middle of the road with closed eyes while letting the wind play with my hair as the cold air embraced me. To live even though it's hard.

It was seven o’clock in the morning when we got to the Chocolate Hills and witnessed the beauty of it. It was its dry season, so the hills showcase its iconic chocolate brown look. The Chocolate Hills are a geological formation in Bohol province of the Philippines and there are at least 1,268 minimum hills there, still unknown how many chocolate hills there are. They are covered in green grass that turns brown during the dry season, hence the name.

“They are so pretty, I just want to be here all day and look at them,” I commented.

“Like you, as beautiful as you.”

I glanced at him for a moment. “But not as peaceful as it was.”

Silence enveloped us for a moment. We didn't utter a word to each other, because apart from not feeling well, I didn't feel like talking. I just want to enjoy the beautiful scenery which is in front of me.

“When will you lift yourself up, babe? When will you accept the fact that you are not to blame for everything that is happening to you?” he said. “I admire you for keeping on fighting, all of your life you've been fighting with your illness silently. So, be proud of yourself too, even more than how I am proud of you.”

I averted my eyes because of the sudden things he was saying. He looked at me with his serious face but my heart still wouldn’t believe what he was saying.

“Are you just saying these just because I'm not feeling well today?” I looked at him. “I'm not used to what you're saying, Elm. And I don't want to hear such things, because even though I really want to believe that yes, you're proud of me, that you admire me for keeping on fighting silently, but my heart still doesn't want to believe. I feel like you just said that to make me feel better, but the truth is you just feel sorry for me.”

He became silent. “Just open your heart again and free yourself from what happened to you before. Your past doesn't define who you are.”

I shrugged. “It was easy to say, but not easy to do. It's not easy to forget the hurtful words my parents used to say, the physical pain they inflicted on me that left a lot of brushes on my skin and trauma, my ex-friends using me, backstabbing, bullying just because of my disease like they'll say I'm just acting, toxic relationship that gives me trust issues. It is not easy to forget everything. They abused me, they drained me physically, mentally, and emotionally.” I blinked to stop my tears from flowing upon recalling everything they did to me. It seems like it all just happened yesterday. The pain I felt back then is still the same today, not even changed or diminished not even slightly. Seems like an endless pain. “Even though I want to forgive my heart doesn't want to, the wound they inflicted on me is still fresh. What they do to me still plays in my mind in detail over and over again.”

“You don't have to tell me to understand you, Anna. Even if you don't tell me what happened to you, I will understand you, I understand you,” he softly mumbled. “So, don't make yourself suffer, hmm? Free yourself, gradually.”

Silence fell on us. I just stared at my hand while playing with it. I want to cry and hug him, thank him for coming into my life. I will free myself, gradually, even if it's hard. But I won't lie, I'm scared. I don’t know who I am after I forgive them after I free myself from the pain if that pain and anger is the one who molded the Ann they see now.

Just then someone held my hand and squeezed it with his hands. I turned around. It was Elm again.

“Let's go.”

I haven’t completely spread out from what we were talking about so I don’t know what’s going on.

“Where?”

“Loboc River Cruise.”

He gently pulled me and we walked away from there. I didn't even know where we were going, I just let him pull me somewhere. We arrived in front of the bluish-green water and boarded in a homely-like boat with tables and chairs inside.

There are also a lot of people inside, I think about 50 people below. Elm and I were the only two at one table while the others were four, we were lucky because we were on the side so we could clearly see the green scenery as well as the clean water.

“Wait, I'll just get our food.”

I shrugged. “I took my own food, I was no longer a child.”

He pretended not to hear me and left. I scoffed and just looked outside while waiting for him because I had no choice but to let him take our food even though I can make my own food.

“Look at the crazy lady there, she looks like a fool wearing a face mask, sunglasses, and gloves.”

“Attention seeker, mom. The man beside her, they're not fit for each other. She looks ragged.”

My ears tingled with what was heard behind me. I turned around. “Excuse me Miss and Mrs. Stop bad mouthing me, please.”

The girl beside the old lady raised her eyebrow at me. “Are you accusing us? Who do you think you are?”

“No, I'm just stating the truth. I have two ears, I heard all you've said about me,” I defended myself. “If I tell you, you're ugly like your attitude, what would you do?”

Her mom slapped me hard on the right cheek.“How dare you say that to my daughter!” His voice rose so I knew we had already grabbed the attention of the crowd.

“Oh, like a mother like a daughter,” I answered with no emotions.

Just as his daughter was about to slap me again, I immediately spoke. “Dare to lay down your fifty hands on me, let's see on the court,” I warned. “Slapping someone amounts to "hurt" or "grievous hurt" u/s 88 and 89 of IPC. ... 2) Slapping a person amounts to an assault which is punishable with imprisonment which may extend to three months or fine which may extend to 500Rs or both and 107 and assault are bailable offenses. I can also sue you both in the Slander case by making a false spoken statement, damaging a person's reputation.”

Yes, they were loud earlier while talking about me and spitting false information about me. I even heard the weak laughter of others who heard them talk and the looks they had at me that I just ignored. I'm wearing a mask, gloves, and sunglasses for my protection not just for some shitty reason they are thinking.

Furious, they sat back in their seats and just rolled their eyes at me. I never noticed that almost everyone thought the people inside the boat were on us, especially on me. I took a deep breath and just sat back as well. I don't want to argue with them one by one, I won't argue with small brains anymore. Believe what they want to believe, I'm out there.

“She's so sensitive, don't go near her baby, maybe we'll be imprisoned later.”

“Don't go near her, she's scary. We don't have a lot of money to pay a lawyer who'll defend us against someone so sensitive and spoiled brat like her.”

“Do not imitate her with no respect for the elderly.”

I just pretended not to hear them and sighed. I'm just defending myself, is that bad? Why are people so judgemental? I don't know what to do anymore, people judge me no matter what I do, good or bad.

I won't sue them just because they touch me or approach me! I just want the scandal to end immediately. I don’t really understand people, they are so confusing. When you do the right thing they will judge you, when you do the wrong thing they will say you're trash and a lot of hurtful words.

But it somehow made me think, am I really that sensitive? I just want to protect myself, am I really a superficial person? Is my dad right? That I'm a selfish person? That I don't think about other people's welfare or feelings? Maybe yes, dad is right.

“Here's your food,” he laid my food in front of me. I just smiled at him sparingly and just quietly ate. I stopped eating when I couldn't endure their stares anymore. I had lost my appetite because of the looks they were throwing at me, it's making me uncomfortable. I wiped my mouth with a napkin before sanitizing my hand and put my gloves back and facemask.

I could also feel Elm's sneaky glance at me. “Why are they glancing at you?”

I shrugged. “I don't know,” I lied.

Maybe he was busy getting food earlier so he didn't notice the scandal that happened between me and the two women at the other table earlier. And that's good, he might even get involved in the mess I made.

We stopped in front of a hut-like stage and watched children dance or their intermission number for the tourists, while the others continued to eat. I was just playing with my food because I had no appetite, while my elbow rested on the table and my cheek rested on my knuckles.

“Let's go to the Birds and Butterfly garden, Bohol python and wildlife Park, and to the Bee Farm—” he immediately stopped when he saw that maybe I had no interest in what he was saying anymore, I completely lost my appetite. I just want to go to our hotel room and just lay down on my bed all day. It's my bad day, today.

“Is there any problem?” he asked. “Don't you want to explore more or should we just go back to the hotel?”

“I don't want to. I'll just go to the hotel and sleep, I'm tired,” I exclaimed and walked before him.

“Okay, if that's what you want.”

We were just quiet the whole trip back to the hotel, he seemed to feel like I wasn’t in the mood to talk so he didn’t talk to me. Even the taxi driver is silent.

I was just silent while looking out of the car until we reached the hotel. I immediately dropped my body on my bed and closed my eyes. My breath was deep and I could not breathe properly but I ignored it. I just want to sleep, I want to rest.

I was immediately disturbed by three consecutive knocks from my door. I didn't get up or even move on my bed and just stared at the white ceiling because I knew who it was and the door was open so he could open it on his own.

I heard the door close and open. “We have an emergency Anna,” he said. “I need to go. The food is already there, don't forget to check the appliances later before you go to sleep, tonight. Don't forget to do what Doc told you, rest well Anna. I'll be back tonight.”

So, I'm alone this afternoon until tonight. Great, I feel alone again but it's okay I'm always alone, I'm used to it anyway. What do I even expect? I turned away from the door and hugged my pillow. Gradually my eyelids became heavier until everything I could see darkened.

I didn’t do anything this afternoon until night, I just slept and forgot to take a bath first before going to sleep even though I went to a crowded place. I was still wearing my facemask and gloves when I woke up, I forgot to remove them before I slept. It was also dark around when I woke up.

I took a shower before going to the kitchen and found champagne there. I shrugged and took the bottle of champagne and paired it with steak, citrus, fried potatoes, and fried chicken that Elm probably left that I would have eaten this afternoon since I didn't eat that much in the so-called floating restaurant earlier, full of toxic humans. And went to the living room to drink there. I took my pancreatic enzyme capsules before drinking alcohol.

I put the alcohol on the table and food before picking up the remote from the glass table where my champagne and food are and turning on the TV to watch a movie while getting drunk, so it won't be boring. I chose to watch an action-mystery movie and take my first sip on the champagne. My face wrinkled as I just tasted it and drank the juice and ate citrus to relieve its bitterness.

I was just like that for a few minutes while watching the movie until I felt like it was spinning around me. I massaged my temple and closed my eyes to relieve my dizziness.

“Stupid, he's your opponent!” I shouted at the stupid man on TV, my eyes were spinning a bit but I still couldn't stop drinking. I'm drunk, I'm just a little bit tipsy.

“You're a stupid man!” I said drunk and pointed at the man on TV with my index finger. I know I'm really drunk right now. I mean I'm just a little bit tipsy but, I still don't want to stop drinking. I looked around and saw that there were two bottles of champagne scattered around and I only had one glass of it. I took it and swallowed it like water and coughed a few times.

“I'm alone in my head!” I sang loudly and stood on the couch to go to my bed already. “You won't undershtand!”

I was grabbed at the door of my room because I almost fell. “Shilly me, aim drunk! Wohh happey! ”