Dear Diary, I Think I'm In Love

Hormones Are A B*tch

Dear Diary,

Now, this weekend … It was a lot. I’m writing this on Monday, because there was so much happening, that I didn’t find the time to write in here. And I was sharing a room with Leslie, so I didn’t have much privacy.

I feel … I feel like I might have found some sort of closure regarding my grandpa. Seeing my grandma broke me, but at the same time, her strength showed me that not everything is lost. She believes she’ll meet him again. So, I have no other choice but to believe, too. Right?

I also feel utterly and completely confused. Like I’m doing something wrong in my relationships, but I don’t know what. I really want to fix that. No, scratch that, I have to fix that. Or I’m going to make a huge mess out of my life before I’m even able to say ‘crap’.

Crap is the right word for just about everything. I’m always sick in the car when we drive for a long time. So, Aiden is sent to sit in the back of the car, on the extra seat. Meanwhile, I’m stuck between Hunter and Leslie. That’s crap. I try to sit closer to Leslie’s side, but she complains she’s too hot. Double crap.

So, I scoot back to the middle, forced to have my leg touching Hunter’s, because boys clearly can’t sit with their legs together. Another thing that could be labeled as crap. I still feel sick though, even if I’m sitting in the middle. Which is an even bigger crap. Then, no one has a bottle of water except Hunter. And I have to drink if I want to feel a little better. Crap again.

Okay, I’m done using that word. I know I’m overdoing it. Shortly put, the ride to my grandma’s is a disaster. Even if it only lasts for a couple of hours. We don’t stop on the way anymore. Not since we’re all big enough to not bother my parents for snacks. Or having to pee. Or something similar.

My dad’s childhood home lies outside Oak Grove, literally in the middle of nowhere. The road that leads up to the house isn’t even paved. The house itself isn’t that big. It was enough to house my grandparents, my dad and his brother, with two additional guest rooms. They were meant for other children, but my grandma had difficulties conceiving. So it was just the two of them.

It made them all the more proud when my dad became a doctor. They never told him that he had to stay at home, at their tiny farm. They wanted him to forge his own path in life and I never saw or heard my dad treat his parents with anything other than respect.

I don’t see my uncle that often. He lives in Louisiana with his family and we rarely speak. We mostly see each other on Christmas. But they’re all cool, my cousins included. We’re just a couple of thousand miles apart. It’s a really long way to New Orleans.

As we finally reach that dirt road, I breathe out a sigh of relief. Less than a mile and we’re finally there. I can see Hunter’s eyes flicker towards me at my reaction, but I pretend I don’t notice his gaze. He’s been silent for the whole ride. It’s not like I usually talk to him much, but still. If he’s going to be weird, I’ll just ignore him. I don’t need complications in my life.

My heart does a strange jump as the house finally comes in sight. The worn-down wooden façade has seen better days, and so have the windows. The doors were changed last year and stand out in an almost unnatural way, compared to the other elements of the house.

There are still beautiful flowers decorating the windows. I can’t help but smile as I remember that grandma was worried they wouldn’t last much longer, the last time we visited her. That was about a month ago. We didn’t stay for the weekend that time, but simply spent the Saturday with her. She was delighted to see us nevertheless.

The tiny barn behind the house has its door opened and I can see chickens roaming freely between the house and the barn. I can’t help but smile at the cat, resting on the porch, then squeal as I notice three tiny kittens, curled up right next to her.

“Mom, look, Lola had finally had her litter!” I notice, my face lighting up. I can’t wait to cuddle them. Leslie joins me in my excitement, leaning forward and peeking from my dad’s seat to catch a glimpse of the kittens.

“Where?” she wants to know, and I point at the door, making her gasp, then coo over the tiny balls of fur. My dad chuckles, why my mom smiles.

“I bet your grandma is relieved,” she then remarks, glancing at my dad lovingly as she places her hand over his. He looks at her in the same way, just as the car comes to a stop. I glance between the two of them, suddenly finding myself longing for what they have.

In that moment, a familiar figure opens the door of the house, holding a piece of bread in her hand. My smile brightens and I start unbolting my seatbelt. She’s carefully stepping over the cat and her kittens, who have all woken up at the sound.

My best friend doesn’t get the point quickly enough, but Hunter does. He quickly gets out of the car, along with my parents, then holds the door open for me. “Thanks,” I mumble as I get out, casting an unsure glance his way. He just nods in response, then looks inside, but Leslie is already getting out on her own. So, he closes the door behind me, while I already rush to the house.

“Grandma!” I shout excitedly, wrapping my arms around her before she’s able to even greet me. She chuckles warmly, the sound of her voice travelling to my ears like the most beautiful melody to ever exist. In the next moment, I find myself sobbing into her shoulders, even if I’m almost a head taller than her.

She rubs my back. “Perrie, honey. It’s okay,” she tries to comfort me, but I just can’t come to my senses. I’m so happy to see her, but at the same time, it just hurts so much, because I know grandpa won’t come out of the house behind her, with messy hair and a toothpick rolling between his lips. He won’t crush me into a bear hug and ask how his favorite granddaughter is doing.

I force myself to pull away and wipe the tears away, but they just keep coming. Grandma watches me with a compassionate expression, her eyes tearing up as well. “I’m s-so sorry, grandma,” I stutter between the sobs, then find myself in a group hug once dad comes to join us.

“It’s okay, sweetie. I know,” grandma assures me, before pressing her lips together and looking up at my dad. “Hello, son,” she greets him, placing a kiss on his cheek. She then looks at me and places one at my cheek, too.

As I still can’t manage to calm down, my dad pulls me aside and lets the others greet grandma properly, while he holds me. I hide in his shoulder the whole time, knowing very well that everyone is witnessing how fragile I am, but I can’t stop for the life of me. This place holds too many memories for me.

Once I finally manage to calm down a little, dad hands me over to Leslie and tells her to lead me up to one of the spare rooms. He says that they’ll take care of the luggage. My best friend sends me a compassionate gaze and obeys my dad, leading me inside and up the wooden stairs.

“I’m m-making a fool of m-myself,” I stutter, hoping that my speech returns to normal soon. Leslie smiles at me sadly, rubbing my back in comfort as she shakes her head.

“No one thinks that, Perrie. You’re grieving. It’s normal that your emotions get triggered when something reminds you of your grandpa,” she assures me. My lower lip trembles at her words, making her face fall. She probably regrets mentioning him.

I plop myself down on the bed, in a completely desperate way. “Like that’s n-not enough, I’m on my p-period! My emotions are all o-over the place!” I protest. My best friend watches me for a moment, before letting out a chuckle. I stare at her and she apologizes immediately.

But as she sits down next to me, and we stay there in silence, I start laughing all of a sudden. Yeah. It’s probably the hormones, adding to the emotional rollercoaster in my head. My best friend joins in soon and I can barely believe how quickly I can go from crying to laughing. And probably right back soon enough.

Aiden steps through the door in the next moment, making us tone down after a few seconds. He stares at me in confusion. “I thought you were sad,” he remarks in a confused way. I let out a long sigh, already feeling my emotions taking a swift turn.

“I’m on my p-period!” I whine, before starting to cry again. I can see Leslie casting a dirty glance at him just before I bury my face into my hands, while my brother sighs.

“Sorry,” he mumbles and wisely retreats from the room, closing the door behind him. My best friend wraps her arms around me again, comforting me until I manage to calm down for good.

As I do, I finally dare to show my face downstairs. The moment we get to the stairs, an amazing smell comes weaving past us, making our noses follow it. My grandma is surely preparing something good.

Everyone is gathered in the kitchen, their heads turning towards the two of us as soon as they hear us coming. I stand there awkwardly, not knowing what to say. At least until grandma turns around and smiles at me.

“Perrie, Leslie, sit down, darlings. The soup is ready, but the chicken needs a couple more minutes,” she tells us kindly, without mentioning my earlier drama. I offer her a sheepish smile, then squeeze next to Hunter on the bench. It’s the only free space left for me and Leslie, because we always leave one chair for grandma. Her hips aren’t exactly in the best state, so it’s easier for her to sit there than on the bench.

My best friend joins me, sitting with half her butt hanging over the edge. I force myself to squeeze closer to Hunter, even if I’m not exactly thrilled about it. “Come, Les, there’s still enough space for you to sit properly,” I assure her, without turning my head towards him.

Until we start eating, I try my best to ignore him. I don’t know why, but I have this weird, tense feeling inside my chest the entire time that I’m sitting next to him. Maybe that’s why I was so sick during the ride.

Luckily, my mom stands up soon, grabbing the soup and placing it on the table. She invites grandma to come sit and eat with us, knowing very well that we won’t start eating before she says her prayers. She’s a really faithful woman, so we always play along for her sake. Even if we don’t go to church.

She smiles as she sees that we’re all respectful towards her and don’t even take the spoons in our hands, despite already helping ourselves to some soup. As she gets some for herself, she extends her hands, holding my mom’s and Leslie’s. I stiffen a little, then raise mine as well, to grab my best friend and Hunter’s hands.

I try to ignore the warmth, radiating from Hunter as I do so. “Dear Lord, thank you for this food we are about to eat. We are grateful for your provision. We ask that you bless this food and continue to guide our family along your path. In the name of your son Jesus, amen,” my grandma speaks with her eyes closed.

As she opens them again, she’s practically glowing from gratefulness. “Amen,” we all say, before we finally release our hands. I pull mine away as quickly as I can, pretending that I’m so hungry that I can’t wait any longer. But really, I was starting to tremble in Hunter’s grasp. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It’s probably the hormones.

I draw in a sharp breath as Hunter suddenly extends his hand in front of me, leaning into my side to grab the pepper. “Sorry,” he murmurs, while I just shake my head with a small smile that I force upon my face.

When Leslie nudges me under the table with her foot, I direct a nasty glare at her. But she can’t help but contain a smile from spreading across her face. Tomorrow, I’m making her sit next to Hunter. I can’t deal with this tension, I have a boyfriend.