Dear Diary, I Think I'm In Love

Is This The Right Thing To Do?

Dear Diary,

I don’t feel so well. After everything that’s happened, I feel trapped inside my own mind. Everything’s going through my head and I even overthink it twice. I’m so confused. I have no idea what to do.

My progress is not really progress. I’m basically too distracted to think about the pain of loss that is still holding a grip over my heart. I’m rarely alone these days, so I can’t cry in bed.

I cry in the shower instead, where I can wash the tears off like they were never there. But nothing helps. I don’t know how to not miss him. Because he didn’t just leave. With him left a piece of my heart. He was that one person who understood me, even when he didn’t really. I can’t explain it.

He always had something nice to say. Had a way of complimenting me without including his opinion on what I could do better. I could really use one of his compliments right now. Even if he would just say, Perrie, you’re really good at making pies. Although I’m not that good at it, really.

He left a hole in my heart. And I have no idea when it’s going to heal. If ever.

The rest of the holidays pass by like a blur. Leslie and I are occupied with schoolwork, occasionally leaving the house for some air, and to get away from Cassie’s annoying giggling. I can’t wait for her to leave. Or for Aiden to start spending time at her house. Why do they have to be here all the time?

Leslie is leaving tonight. She needs to sort some things out before school, she said. Her dad is moving out for good this evening. I’m not so sure that her being there to see that, is a good idea, but if she wants to, I won’t be stopping her. It’s not my place to tell her what to do about this anyway.

I hug her tightly before she leaves, and wave at her mom as they drive away. I hope they’ll manage on their own. I know things used to be tight at their house, even before the divorce. Now that it was just her and her mom … I hope they won’t hesitate to reach out for help, if they’ll need it.

I cry myself to sleep that night. I haven’t reached out to Eric since he told me that he doesn’t want Leslie in the picture. He’s been texting me every day, trying to apologize, but I didn’t respond. My best friend tried to make me, but I didn’t want to. I’m not crying over him, though. I don’t even know why I’m crying, actually. It’s all just too much. Too overwhelming.

I feel completely lost. Like I’m trapped inside my body, in this strange time that I just can’t seem to escape, no matter how hard I try. I want to feel better, I want to be better, but I can barely function when I’m alone. Without supervision.

I get lazy. I don’t want to do anything but scroll through my phone. No, not that I don’t want to. I can’t bring myself to even get out of bed. I can’t stand up, I can’t talk, I can barely breathe. My therapist explained that this is the trauma of losing someone close to you. I’ve never experienced it before, and this is why I’m reacting like this, in her opinion. I wasn’t prepared for it.

Of course, I wasn’t prepared, but can you ever be prepared for something like this? For something that hits you like a train, unexpectedly and out of nowhere? Gosh, I wish he were still here. I wish he’d tell me what to do about Eric. And Hunter. He’s getting dangerous. I mean, not violently dangerous, but still … Dangerous. For my entire existence.

I force myself to brush the thought of him away and lull myself to sleep. It doesn’t happen that quickly, because my face is all swollen and stuffed after a crying session, but I manage soon enough.

When I wake up, I feel all groggy and tired. I drag myself to the bathroom, only to have it locked by someone else. Great. I turn around and get back to my room to get dressed. Then, finally, the bathroom is empty.

I had to get up a little earlier today, because our parents are both out. Dad has a morning shift and mom had to get to work a bit sooner today, because they’re filming some sort of interview. So, it’s the bus to school for the three of us. Pardon, four. I can’t wait until Aiden gets his license.

Since I’m the first one to get to the kitchen, I decide to make us all breakfast. I seriously contemplate leaving Cassie out, but I change my mind quickly. That would be too rude, even for me. I bake some eggs and bacon, along with putting some bread into the toaster. My brother is the first one to get to the kitchen, clearly satisfied with the fact that I’m cooking.

He makes us coffee, greets Cassie as she comes down, and by the time we put everything on the kitchen island, Hunter is already sitting behind it. He has this smug expression on his face that I can’t decipher. Uhm. Okay, just ignore him, Perrie. You know what this is about and you’re trying to put an end to it, not encourage it.

We eat in silence, mostly. But I don’t mistake the glances that Cassie is throwing my way. I swear to God, she says a single word and those eggs will be flying into her face.

I’m the first one to finish breakfast, so I clean everything up. Mom would strangle us, if we left a chaos in the kitchen, as she likes to put it. Yeah, I’d prefer to make it until graduation at least.

Cassie and the boys are getting ready upstairs and I’m just drying my hands, when I hear the doorbell. Huh? Who could it be at this hour? It must be the mailman. No one else goes around knocking on people’s doors in the morning.

I get to the front door, ready to sign whatever the mailman needs to drop off for my parents or whatever. But as I see who’s standing in front of me, I practically gape in shock. “Good morning,” Eric greets me, clearly nervous about being here. Well, he should be.

I cross my arms against my chest. “Morning,” I greet him back, not sure whether I should let him in or not. Finally, I decide to give in and take a step backwards to let him step inside. I sigh as I close the door behind him.

Eric starts talking the moment I turn around, crossing my arms against my chest again. “I’m so sorry, Perrie. I completely overreacted about Leslie, when I really shouldn’t have. I was just so frustrated, that we didn’t get to spend any time together as a couple.”

I stare at him for a long moment, contemplating his words. And in that moment, I realize I was overreacting too. Eric didn’t know why exactly I always took my best friend with me. And he only wanted to have some one-on-one time with me. His reaction was actually reasonable. Mine wasn’t though. I didn’t tell him a thing.

I release my arms from that unfriendly grip and let them fall down to my sides. “It’s … I forgive you. It was partially my fault, because I didn’t fully explain why Leslie always came along … Her parents are getting a divorce and I … I couldn’t leave her alone here, with no one to talk to,” I finally speak up quietly, making his eyes widen in surprise.

In the next moment, guilt washes over his face. “Oh, no … I didn’t know … That poor girl …” he breathes out, clearly still trying to grasp what I’ve just told him. I nod, then shrug and bite my lower lip at the same time.

“I didn’t want to expose her … Please don’t tell anyone else about this, she doesn’t want to be pitied by anyone. It’s why I didn’t say anything in the first place,” I explain, making him nod solemnly.

“Of course, I wouldn’t dream of it. It’s her business,” he assures me, then sighs as he shoves his hands into his pockets. “So … Where does that leave us?” he then asks, staring at me with so much hope in his eyes, that my chest starts to hurt.

There’s a tiny voice at the back of my head, screaming at me that this is my chance to end this. I shove it right back where it belongs in a violent way, not having a clue why it even came out. Why would I break up with Eric after he’s decided to forgive me?

I smile, reaching out to pull his hands out of his pockets and lead them towards the small of my back. “It leaves us here,” I murmur, before placing my hands on his shoulders and kissing him. He smiles against my lips, then pulls me closer and deepens the kiss.

I lose myself in his touch, forgetting that I was hesitant about him just a moment ago. Forgetting that it’s a school day and that I should be minding the time. Forgetting that we’re not alone in the house.

When someone clears their throat, we both flinch in surprise and break off the kiss. I pull away from him as I see who’s standing on the stairs, interrupting our moment. It feels like all the blood has left my face in that moment. “Hey there, bro,” Hunter greets Eric in an almost mocking way, offering him a cynical smile.

Eric seems hella confused, but he still scratches the back of his neck like he’s embarrassed that he was caught kissing me, and greets his friend back. “Hey, Hunter. What’s up?” he asks him, while I just stare at the staircase, unable to move.

Hunter however, does move. He slowly walks down the rest of the stairs and doesn’t say a word until he’s already going past us. “Not much, walking to the bus station. See you in school,” he finally murmurs as he reaches for the door.

“Aren’t you going to wait for us to go together?” I hear myself say before I’m able to stop myself. He looks at me like I murdered his hamster. He doesn’t own a hamster. I’m taken aback by the frustration in his gaze. Come on, Hunter, we were never a thing, and we never could be because of my brother. He’s almost strangled Eric, imagine what he’d do to you. Get over it.

He doesn’t linger around for long. He simply says: “No.” Then, he gets out and shuts the door behind him with a slight bang, that could almost be mistaken for an accident. But I know it’s not. I stare after him, suddenly feeling the need to run after him and ask him what his problem is.

I basically have to remind myself that my boyfriend is literally standing in front of me, and quickly turn back towards him. “Sorry about that,” I tell him, trying not to make things awkward. He just shakes his head.

“Don’t worry, he’s been like this lately. Not even Aiden can get through his head. He’s getting worried about him, actually,” Eric reveals, making me blink in surprise. I didn’t know that. My brother never said that to me.

“Oh, hey, Eric,” an overly-sweet voice suddenly travels to our ears. I can barely resist the urge to roll my eyes. He turns towards the direction of the sound, smiling in a friendly way.

“Hey, Cassie. What’s up?” he asks her, too. But the answer she has in store for him, almost makes me faint there on the spot.

“Oh, not much. Just happy that Perrie here is so well-liked by her brother’s friends,” she remarks, leaving him at loss of words. He looks at me in confusion, but I’m still staring at Cassie. A sly smirk spreads across her face, soon accompanied by a suggestive wink.

“Okay, that’s … great, I guess,” Eric replies as he realizes I won’t be of any help. Cassie stands there like a good girl, waiting for my brother to come downstairs. Her hands are crossed behind her back and she’s smiling innocently.

Oh, she’s diabolical. I know exactly what she meant by that. This was a threat. I can feel it in my gut.