Dear Diary, I Think I'm In Love

You Can't Always Expect The Unexpected

Dear Diary,

It's so hard to focus on school. My mind keeps wandering to my grandpa. I try to distract myself, but I fail so often. Leslie is my rock these days. I don't know what I would do without her.

My parents seem to be doing fine. So is Aiden. Why am I the only one, so affected by his loss? When he passed on, we were all devastated. But while everyone else seemed to pick themselves up ... I'm still barely hanging. How do I move on?

I move through the hallways like a mist. It's one of those days again. I'm talking about those days that I could cry all the time, without stopping to even wipe my nose. And I'm about to get my period, so ... You can understand why I'm extra emotional.

Leslie is walking beside me like a protector. She probably noticed that I'm not okay again. She always notices when something's wrong. She knows the reason now, though. It's always the same, so she doesn't ask me about it. And I really appreciate it.

But my best friend isn't always in the same class as I am. Unfortunately. For example, I'm alone in U. S. history class. I could literally pop my eyes out, when our professor starts dragging the lesson. It's the worst, because it gives me time to think. And when I have time to think ... Well, you can imagine how that mixes with my current emotional state.

We're listening about the colonization of America, but my mind is just not there. I'm deep inside my head, remembering and longing for how things used to be. My heart aches because my grandpa is gone. I'd give anything just to see him smile at me one more time ... To have him crush me into that bear hug that I always got from him. I close my eyes and I swear his scent is surrounding me.

Before I know it, tears are streaming down my face. I wipe them away, checking if anyone is looking. No one is. But the tears aren't stopping either. I try to force myself to stop crying. I try to pinch myself. Nothing works. I can't stay in class. Not in a state like this.

"Perrie, are you okay?" I hear somewhere whisper behind me. I don't even look to see who it is. I just sniffle and shake my head, then start packing my things.

"Miss Hughes, where are you going?" the professor asks, and I force myself to look up for a moment. Mr. Barnes watches me in confusion, his face softening a little as he realizes that I'm crying.

"May I be excused, please?" I squeal, barely able to get the words out of my mouth. He nods and I grab my bag before he's able to change his mind. As I walk out of the door, I can hear him instructing someone to go after me. No, please, I really want to be alone right now.

I quicken my step, trying to make a turn as fast as I can, but I'm too slow. There are already footsteps coming after me. And soon enough, they're accompanied by a familiar voice.

"Perrie, wait!" Nicole calls after me. Oh, no. Not someone who hangs out with Cassie, please. I can't handle staring at someone, who's friends with her. I don't slow down. But I also forget that Nicole is on the athletic team. She's a runner, to be precise.

Before I know it, she's already catching up to me, walking at my pace. "Leave me alone," I mumble quietly, but she shakes her head. I should've known she wouldn't take no for an answer.

"No way. I'm not letting you out of my sight. You don't have to talk to me, if you don't want to, but wherever you're headed now, I'll accompany you," she turns me down immediately. Her voice is determined and I really wish she wouldn't say that. I don't need her. If I'd want anyone beside me now, I'd text Leslie to get out of class. Or perhaps Aiden. But to have one of Cassie's friends with me? Hell no.

"Why? What will you get out of it?" I ask, wanting to get an honest answer out of her once for change. I know I said that she's the only reasonable member of Cassie's clique, but that doesn't mean I trust her.

She sighs. "Look, I'm getting nothing out of it. But I had a cousin, who self-harmed and I'm not letting someone else do that to themselves," she informs me coldly. Finally, I raise my gaze to look at her, knowing that I probably look like a zombie right now. If this was any other Cassie's friend, they'd probably take a picture of my tear-eyed face, when I wasn't looking.

"I wouldn't self-harm..." I trail off, realizing that I've never thought about it. "I just want to cry in peace," I admit, my lower lip trembling. Nicole watches me with a pitiful expression taking over her face.

No one knows about my grandpa passing away. Except for those, who are closest to me. Well, and the teachers. My mom made sure that I wouldn't get in trouble if I started crying in the middle of a class, so that's why I got excused. I know that I won't get this treatment for long, but sometimes I really can't handle my feelings anymore. It’s one month into school. I should be better by now, right?

"It's okay. You can cry all you want, I won't judge you. Do you want to go somewhere more private? The bell will be ringing pretty soon," she then suggests. At first, I shrug, but soon enough, I find myself nodding in response. "Okay, let's go then. I know just the place," she says and leads me down the hallway.

We soon find ourselves in front of the older version of the girls' restroom, but it's the one that only has one toilet. And it's broken. "Er ... You do realize this one doesn't work right?" I ask. She turns her head over her shoulder as she grabs the doorknob.

"Yeah, that's exactly why it's perfect. No one's going to come here," she tells me as she opens the door. The light turns on automatically as I follow her inside, and find myself in front of a mirror. I groan at the sight of my puffy face. "Don't worry, we'll fix you before you go to next class. Do you still feel like crying?"

I shrug, then take a few deep breaths. No. It seems like the worst has passed. So, I shake my head in response. I don't have the energy to talk anymore. Nicole starts pulling out some stuff from her bag. Yeah, her bag. None of these girls wear backpacks, because it's out of fashion, apparently.

"Flush your face," she instructs me. I stare at her like she’s insane. Is she really going to boss me around now? She can't be for real. She looks at me. "With cold water, if you want to reduce the swelling."

Sighing, I take one look at her perfect skin and realize that this girl might know what she's talking about. So, I give in and do as she says. Once it seems like I can't feel my face anymore, I look for something to dry it with, since there are no paper towels in a restroom with a broken toilet. Nicole hands me a small towel. Convenient.

Then, she tells me to stand still. She gives me eye-drops, uses that cooling eye roller, or whatever it's called, under my eyes, then, she pulls out a concealer. "I'm not ... I don't use makeup," I let her know, and she pauses for a moment.

"Would you rather walk around with your nose and cheeks red, and have everyone ask you what's wrong?" she wonders. I let out a long sigh. Of course, not. I shake my head. "Okay. Then let me work my magic."

She applies it all over my face, then proceeds to pull out a mascara and a lip gloss. She can't be for real now. "I don't really-"

"Hush. Let me pamper you. It seems like you desperately need it," she cuts me off. Surprisingly, I shut up. She puts mascara on my eyelashes, then colors my lips in a pretty shade of coral. When I look at myself in the mirror, I don't really look like I've been crying at all. At least not at first glance.

I turn towards Nicole, blinking in surprise. "Thank you for this," I say reluctantly, because I still don't know how to act right now. She offers me a genuine smile, then shrugs.

"You seemed like you needed a pick-me-up," she tells me as she puts away her makeup. "By the way, if you need something to wake you up a little, get a lemonade for lunch. It's much better than drinking a coffee," she suggests. I raise my eyebrows in surprise, but I don't get to comment on her advice, because the bell starts ringing.

"Thanks again, Nicole," I say instead, smiling right back at her. It's the least I can do after she took the time to cheer me up.

"Anytime," she responds in a little more serious way, and I can tell that she means it.

We head outside and wave at each other. We're both going to different classes now. And back to reality.