Dear Diary, I Think I'm In Love

A Punch In The Gut

My dad doesn’t get home until dinnertime. Leslie and I spend the entire afternoon working on an upcoming project. She basically hates my guts for that, but I have no other idea how to occupy her.

I don’t want to talk about Hunter, she doesn’t want to talk about my brother and there’s no way I’m letting her sulk about the fact that her life will be completely changed, when she returns home. Doing a school project is my only solution, really.

So, when mom calls us to dinner, she’s almost overjoyed, because we can leave physics behind for the day. We quickly put our experiment away, then head downstairs.

Dad is already home and greets us all warmly, not even surprised about the fact that Leslie’s joining us for the holidays as well. Clearly, mom filled him in on everything. We finish our dinner, mom and dad do the dishes together and the rest of us get ready for the festival.

Leslie sits on my bed with a frown on her face, as I’m picking clothes from my wardrobe. “I don’t have any cute jackets with me,” she complains, making me smirk. She’s lucky that we’re the same size. Actually, we’re both lucky about that.

My best friend is slightly more curvy than I am, but that only makes her look better in my clothes. And makes me look worse in her clothes. “Trench coat or leather jacket?” I ask her, making her smile. Ah, there she goes. I’m glad she’s able to loosen up despite the thoughts that must be swirling at the back of her head.

“I don’t know, will I be cold in a trench?” she wonders, making me check the clothes that she pulled out of her bags. Wide-legged jeans, a red sweater with her dream university imprinted on the front. Harvard, naturally.

I wink at her, and throw the trench coat her way. Since she’s already trying to give off those college girl vibes. I know how badly she wants to escape her current life, but she’ll have to wait a while for that. Not for another two years, Les, sorry.

She looks happy enough with my choice and I’m left picking what I want to wear. I want a skirt, but I’m not sure if I’ll be cold or not. Well, it does get quite cold in the evening. “Need help?” my best friend asks, and I hear myself sigh. In the next moment, I’m already nodding at her helplessly.

She walks straight towards me and pulls out something without a hint of hesitation. The velvet suspender skirt that I bought a while ago. Like, maybe a full year ago? I haven’t worn it yet, because I don’t feel like I can flaunt it. “Les …” I trail off, glancing at the burgundy thing in her hands.

She doesn’t listen to me. She pulls out a beige turtleneck, my favorite, then takes the leather jacket from my hands. I swallow nervously at sight of her determined gaze. “You’re wearing this,” she informs me, not leaving any room for argument.

I won’t lie. I feel gorgeous in the assemble. But I blush the moment my brother whistles suggestively and wiggles with his eyebrows as he sees me. Mom sends him a look, but doesn’t comment on my outfit. Clearly, I look presentable enough for her not to give me a hard time. I’m wearing black tights underneath anyway, so I really can’t be cold.

I don’t miss the way Hunter’s pretty much eating me up with his gaze. Thank God I’m already blushing because of my brother’s whistles. I’m feeling incredibly hot. That jacket and the turtleneck both feel like too much clothing. I could literally walk to the car in my bra.

I’m condemned to riding between my best friend and Hunter again. I’m hoping that my brother won’t notice the way he looks at me, because I really don’t want to see those two at each other’s throats again. Aiden is already suspicious of him because of the remark he made last night.

He refuses to give me any personal space again. Despite the fact that he stares through the window for the entire ride to the festival site, his thigh is practically glued on mine. It almost makes me hyperventilate, because I know what this means to him now. Because I now understand all those comments that he made about me.

I can’t believe Leslie was right all along! Hunter is into me! And I have absolutely no idea what to do about it. I don’t even know how to look him in the eyes after his confession.

It’s all just too much. I was barely noticed by anyone, just a couple of months ago. And now I’m trying to make it up to one boy, while trying to fight off the other one, who is the reason why I have to make it up to the first one. Argh, this is such a mess!

I’m relieved when we finally park the car and get out. I’m in desperate need of some air. Hunter’s spicy sandalwood scent was starting to suffocate me. Not that he used too much of it, I just … I couldn’t bear it anymore.

We walk around the festival grounds for a while, feasting our eyes on everything that is at display on the stands we pass. There’s a few fun games that you can play too, and I can’t wait to try a few out. Maybe I manage to win that gigantic teddy bear, you know, the main prize.

But all of that has to wait, because I suddenly spot someone very familiar. Getting very close to us. Too close, in fact. I freeze as I spot her. So does Leslie. We share a look, worried about how this is going to play out.

My mom is already smiling brightly at sight of her best friend and she looks equally as radiant. They hug it out, glad that they were able to meet up here. Yeah, well, Mrs. Wagner hasn’t come around our house for quite some time now.

They already start talking and all that, while I stare at Cassie in a really cautious way. There’s someone hiding behind her. Ah. Her little brother. It’s been a while since I’ve last seen him. He’s been around five then? Back when Cassie and I were still hanging out.

He smiles at me shyly, clearly remembering who I was. I smile back sadly. Sorry, little buddy. I wish your big sister was a better fit for being my best friend. Suddenly, someone pushes past Leslie and I, making us share another look as we try to figure out what’s going on.

When Aiden stops by Cassie’s side and takes her hand, I feel like I’m getting a heart attack. “Mom, dad … Just wanted to tell you something. We’re dating,” my brother speaks up, making silence fall over everyone for a split second.

In the next moment, our mom and Mrs. Wagner are already squealing excitedly, making Cassie chuckle in her signature fake-shy way, while our dad and Mr. Wagner just share a look, then smile and shrug. You know, like they’re kind of okay with it. It’s not like they have any other choice, with their wives reacting in this way.

But me … I feel like my world just crumbled in front of my eyes. Leslie clutches onto my hand for dear life and I find myself glaring at my brother. My stupid, blind, idiotic brother. After I literally quoted what Cassie was intending to do, he just goes and beats her to it?! And that solved what exactly?!

He doesn’t look at me. Neither does Cassie. They just start chatting away with our parents. Talking about how all of us should hang out at the festival, since we’re all already gathered here. No. Come on, please no!

I look at my best friend in a desperate way, like she could find a way to save us from this torturing ordeal. But she isn’t even looking at me. She’s standing up straight, her chin is lifted. And I realize it’s just a façade she’s putting on. A façade for the outside world. But I can read the pain inside her eyes.

It makes realization hit harder than ever. Oh, no. She really likes my brother. Maybe even more than that … I squeeze her hand, trying to comfort her, but she doesn’t react to it. All we can do is drag ourselves behind the group as we start moving towards our first big scene. Or should I say Cassie’s big scene?

There’s an annual competition for girls, basically for them to parade around in dresses. It’s called Miss Fallen Leaves, and whoever wins it, gets free macarons from La Provence. For the entire year. Whenever they want them. And a bunch of other unimportant stuff. Priorities, huh?

As soon as we start moving, someone pushes between us, throwing their arms around our shoulders. Oh, crap, I forgot he’s even here. “Come, my fourth and fifth wheel. Guess I’ll join your girls’ night this evening,” Hunter speaks up loud enough for everyone to hear. But they’re all too busy gushing over what a wonderful couple Aiden and Cassie are, to really hear him.

Leslie lets out a humph, while I don’t know what to even say to him. Can he please, for the love of God, stop touching me? It’s making me lose it in a way that it shouldn’t. He doesn’t shut up for the entire way to the parlor. He keeps throwing unnecessary puns our way, finally making Leslie chuckle at one.

He seems happy enough with that, at least until he looks at me. I can’t function with his arm still around me. It’s giving me difficulties breathing, and I have to put all of my focus into moving my jelly-like legs and looking like I’m completely unbothered by his touch.

“Oh, lighten up, lil’ Hughes,” he tries to make me speak up. But I keep quiet. The moment he leans his head towards me, I draw in a sharp breath. “Want to bet how long they’ll last?” he whispers into my ear, his warm breath tingling the side of my neck. Oh lord.

I make the mistake of turning my head while he’s still leaning down. I end up so close to his face, that I miss a bump on the ground and almost find myself flying forward. I have both his arms around me before that happens.

The moment he steadies me, I jump away like he just burned me. “Thanks. And no. I don’t bet,” I force myself to tell him, still scared to meet his gaze.

He lets me be, but as we’re heading towards the crowd to find free seats, I don’t spare a second glance to my brother. Cassie had to go backstage to get ready, so my brother finally acknowledges our existence again. I don’t even look at him.

As he asks me what’s wrong, I’m literally a second from snapping at him. But I hold myself back, knowing very well that someone could be listening. “I’m sitting between Leslie and Hunter,” I inform him, positioning myself between the pair, just to emphasize the meaning of my words.

He seems shaken at my reaction, clearly realizing that I was expecting him to break up with Cassie. “Look, Perrie, I get that you’re mad. But this is my life. I’m the one making decisions about it, are we clear?” he speaks up in a sharp, but quiet tone.

Hunter and Leslie are listening to the entire thing in a stunned silence. “Clear as the summer sky,” I retort, then avert my gaze back forward. He doesn’t try to talk to me again. Actually, he doesn’t talk at all. He decides to sit down next to Leslie, because he feels like she’s the only one, who isn’t giving him a hard time.

But he doesn’t realize that she’s cooled off almost in the same way as I have, and he soon gives up on any attempt at talking to her. Hunter and I are seated on the edge of our group, while Aiden is sitting next to our mom and Mrs. Wagner, followed by Cassie’s little brother Lucas, Mr. Wagner and our dad.

As the show begins, I can barely watch without making sounds like I’m nauseous. It’s soon Cassie’s turn to parade around the stage, and watching her makes me sick. I glance at my mom, who is beaming with pride. I feel a tinge of jealousy inside my chest. I guess Cassie always presented that graceful, popular daughter that she wanted to get. Instead, she got me.

I force my gaze back towards the stage, soon watching as they all appear, walking around in their shiny evening dresses one more time. I glance at Hunter, who’s watching them with a blank expression on his face. Something twitches inside my chest in a strange way.

“Never thought you’d get your type presented on a stage, huh? Tall, slim, beautiful, they’re probably all a textbook case of your taste in girls,” I remark before I’m able to stop myself. Perrie, where the hell did that come from?!

His lips pull up into a sly smirk and he takes a sweet moment before turning his face towards me. “Want to hear my opinion?” he asks, staring at me with such intensity, that all I can do is nod. Gosh, what am I doing? “If you were up there, you could beat them all without even batting your eyelashes,” he then lets me know.

My eyes widen and I blink a few times, trying to figure out if my brain is playing tricks on me, or if he literally just said that to my face. “Oh,” I breathe out, not knowing what else to say to that. Hunter smirks and turns back to the show, clearly satisfied with the fact that he managed to shut me up so swiftly.

I’m left deep in thought for the rest of the show. Even as the winning crown is being put on Cassie’s head, I’m still contemplating his words. Did he really mean what he said?

I keep thinking about it as we wait for Aiden and Cassie to join us. Of course we had to go to backstage to congratulate her. But we weren’t allowed inside yet, so only her mom went in, while the rest of us were left standing outside.

She takes her sweet time and I can barely stand the silence, hanging above Hunter, Leslie and me. My brother clearly doesn’t want to hang out with us. I glance at our parents, chatting away with Cassie’s parents, then realize that Aiden’s not even here.

“Psst!” I suddenly hear somewhere behind my back. I happen to be standing right at the edge of our group. I look over my shoulder, seeing my brother, hiding behind the corner like a creep. He has his finger pressed against his lips and is motioning for me to come with him.

I stare at him blankly for a few moments, then show some mercy for his desperate puppy-like eyes. “I’ll be right back,” I tell Leslie before walking away. Before I hear her react, Aiden and I are already disappearing from the parlor. “What’s this about?” I ask, hoping that he’s not leading me away to argue.

“Sorry, can’t tell you yet,” he murmurs in response, making me stop in my tracks. He sighs as he turns towards me with a pleading gaze. “Perrie, please don’t make this difficult. It’s a surprise, okay? And I think you’ll love it,” he tries to persuade me.

I blink. “Fine. But this better doesn’t take long,” I reply dryly, then let him lead me wherever the hell we’re going. Aiden suddenly picks up his pace, and I basically have to start running after him. “Hey, stop!” I call after him, but to no avail.

I’m losing my breath already, when he finally stops in a remote corner, between the stands. It’s somewhat of a small tent, clearly used for storage. I step inside, already meaning to give him a piece of my mind, when I come face to face with the one person I didn’t expect to see today.

My brother is smiling at me, as I gape at Eric’s face in shock.