CHRISTIANO

Nineteen

Christiano

"I've never been more nervous in my life"

"You should be since you won't sleep peacefully for the next eighteen years" Nevio replies patting my back. Zelda went into labor two hours ago and she will be giving birth any time now. I'm happy, confused, nervous, sick. All those emotions rolled into one. That's internally though, I'm hoping that on the outside I look cool. The past few months have helped me put things into perspective. Whether I like it or not, I'm going to be a father. Nev insisted on getting a DNA test but at this point I don't think it matters. I've already made peace with the fact that I am the father of that child.

"What's taking so long? How hard is it to give birth to a child?"

"Imagine pushing the head and shoulders out of your butthole"

"What the f**k Nev"

"You were being an insensitive asshole. That baby will come out when it wants to come out. Your duty is to wait for it and do your fatherly duties"

"Do you think it's a girl or a boy?"

"I don't know. You refused to throw a baby shower for Zelda so she refused to tell you the gender. I'm looking forward to the two of you being parents. One is an asshole and the other is a b***h. Epic combo right there bro"

"f**k you. If you have nothing nice to say, please leave. You support is the last thing I need right now"

"No, I'm enjoying this. I hope it's a boy Chris because if it turns out to be a girl and she's a replica of her mother then you're doomed. She will run circles around you"

When he said he hoped it's a girl, I immediately pictured a little girl who looks like her mother. With long black hair and an attitude to match her beauty. She would definitely demand to be treated like the princess she is or throw the biggest tantrums ever. I find myself smiling at that image but my smile drops when I realize the little girl in my imagination looks like Carina and not Zelda. I wonder how she's doing. Is Marco treating her well? Has she remembered anything?

"You're thinking about her. Aren't you?"

Damn this motherfucking bastard "So what if I'm thinking about her? She's the one supposed to be in labor"

"You can't regret your decisions right now. It's too late for that Chris"

"I know" and it hurts like a b***h. Now that another baby is here, I can't help but remember the one we lost. Since we hadn't seen him, I didn't think about him that much. Up until now, he's only been a thought at the back of my mind. I felt bad that he didn't get to live but that was it. Being in a hospital surrounded by the cries of other children, it finally sinks in that I lost a child. One that I will never be able to get back. My anger at finding out Lombardi was my biological father blinded me to the point where I didn't even bother to bury him. Or create a tombstone or gravestone. There is nothing in this world that symbolizes he ever existed. Nev is right, I am an asshole.

I always thought I would be the greatest father, always wanted to give my children everything I missed out on. It turns out I don't even deserve to be one. That child must be hating me for not caring about them. Carina doesn't remember anything so no one will blame her but me? Oh God, I think I'm going to be sick. Getting up from the chairs in the waiting room, I head to the bathroom. I'm worse than Lombardi. He at least acknowledged his children. I couldn't even be bothered to bury mine. Where did the doctors..... Images of them discarding it together with other trash makes bile rise up in my throat. How far along was Carina when we lost the baby? At what month does it stop being an embryo and starts being referred to as a baby? This is suffocating. Deciding I don't need the bathroom, I turn towards the elevator.

Funny how history keeps repeating itself. I've been pointing fingers at my mother and refusing to accept Lombardi as my father not knowing the tables would turn and that I'll be in the same position as him. It's called Karma. f**k, I feel like the scum of the earth. What can I do to right this? Is it too late to build a grave or something to remember him by? What have I been doing all these months?

"Sir, the baby is here. Nevio is asking where you are" Fabian say startling me. I didn't notice him following me. Looking around I realize we're at the back of the hospital. There are people in gowns walking around, sitting under trees but it's the children running around that catch my eye. I feel happy seeing them like that, knowing that the one who was just born will someday be big enough to talk and run like other children. But I also feel sad for the one that didn't get a chance to see this world or meet its parents. Parents who didn't deserve him to begin with "Sir? You should go meet your first child"

"I lost my first child Fabian. Since I couldn't be bothered to remember him, who will?" I shift my eyes to him "Do you know what's funny? It's that I had the audacity to call my mother a shitty parent when I'm worse than her. Is there an award for useless parents?"

"Let's go. I will take you to a place" without a word I follow him. He always knows what I need and right now, I need to be far away from here. If I meet that baby right now, I fear he or she might feel how miserable I am. I read somewhere that children are more susceptible to emotional contagion. They can pick up on parent's stress. I want to be happy when I meet them not sad. It's probably an hour later when the car stops. Fabian gets out and opens the door for me. I step out looking around.

"What are we doing here?" We are on the land that surrounds the house. I can see the mansion from here but it's a bit far. When I I first purchased it, I bought the extra land so I could see my enemy when they are approaching.

"I want to show you something" he says walking ahead. Fabian has been working for me for a long time so I follow him knowing he's not planning on killing me and dumping my body somewhere around here. He's the most loyal man I have. I would go as far as to say I trust him more than I trust Nev who is like a brother to me. We walk for five minutes then I suddenly stop when I spy what's ahead of us "I thought one day you might need it to remember him"

I suck in a deep shaky breath. Despite everything, he remembered to build a tombstone for the child. It's a small rectangle, made of stone and from where I'm standing I can see a few words inscribed on it. Emotions flood in making me bend to hold my knees so they won't give out. I wonder how long it's been here. There are flowers, fresh flowers resting across the headstone. Has he been taking care of it all by himself? There's no dirt around it which means he has to at least have come here everyday. I bite down on my lip to stop myself from crumbling like a five year old.

"You need closure and I thought you might find it here. I chose the name Leone since it's gender neutral. I hope that's okay. Take as long as you want, I'll wait for you in the car" he says leaving. On shaky legs, I approach the grave.

Leone De Luca.

An angel we never had the chance to meet.

Those words are my undoing. Falling on my knees I cry my heart out. I can feel the pain of losing him deep in my bones. I remember the room we decorated that he never had the chance to use. All the things we bought for him and all the love he never got to experience. At this moment I realize I would have exchanged my life for his. Why didn't I do that? What was I doing when Carina was shot? I always jumped in front of her to protect her. So why didn't I do it that day? How could I stand there and let them take my child away? I want to scream at the unfairness of all this. He should have had a chance to be born. He... There will never be another one like him. Most parents comfort themselves with the possibility of having another baby but we can't have that. Carina will never have that.

Maybe I deserve all this but she doesn't. Her life has been hard. Growing up with Lombardi and all the s**t he put her through, God, I never should have touched her. She deserved someone who will make her happy not bring more pain in her life. How will she overcome this when she remembers? I can't handle it. All I want to do is lie here forever, stay beside him and make up for everything. If it's even possible to do that. The guilt and the regret I feel is immeasurable. How am I supposed to raise another child happily when I know it's my fault this one died? Can I do it? Am I capable of being a good father?

For the first time ever since Zelda showed up, I think of sending them both away. They will be better off without me. Everyone is better off without me. No, maybe I'm the one that needs to leave. Danger follows me everywhere I go. Looking back on my life I wonder if I've done anything meaningful. I make donations to charity but that's for the sake of appearances. I managed to get Carina away from Lombardi for a while, but I hurt her more than he ever did. All I had to do was love and protect her but I didn't. So why does a piece of s**t like me get to live and this innocent soul doesn't? It's unfair. It's so unfair.....

"We need to go back to the house" Fabian says standing over me. I don't know how long I've been kneeling here like this. Judging from the way my knees hurt I'd say a long time.

"What is it?" I ask in hoarse voice

"We have a guest"

"I don't want to see anyone right now"

"She might be the only person you want to see"

She. He said she which means.... Why..... Did she come to see me or did she remember everything? I get back in the car with my heart in my throat. Talk about bad timing. Why today of all days? She could have come yesterday or tomorrow. Why today? I'm not ready to face her but I want to see her. It's been too long since I last saw her. Within minutes we're entering the gate. Exhaling, I push the door open not waiting for Fabian. The front door is open and I walk in to find her talking to Tommaso.

"You've grown taller since I last saw you"

She remembers

"Padrino, Zia has come back" Tommaso says. She turns to look at me, smiles and I think my heart might explode. I never thought she would smile at me like that ever again. I expected anger, hatred and everything but this....

"They said you were at the hospital. How's the baby?" She asks. There's no sarcasm in her voice "Wait, you are De Luca. Aren't you? Or did I mistake you with someone else?"

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Playing dumb it is. Why do you think Carina is there?