Stepbrotherly Love

Chapter 10

It wasn't too late when I arrived back home. Immediately, I took a shower, then got changed and went out.

The last time I went to a bar, was that Sunday after Mom's wedding. It wasn't a place Stephen loved to frequent, so I'd never been to a bar with him. Aside from some celebrations with our coworkers, or when we had wine with dinner sometimes. Within that time, other than in those instances, I didn't even have alcohol.

I still had work tomorrow morning, so I didn't intend to drink much. Not that I ever did. I was going back to my old routine; find a fairly popular bar, find a good seat with a nice view, and look for a man to fill my bed.

It used to be something so simple for me, but just like that night, when I really needed it, I couldn't find anyone to suit my purpose, even when I got myself to lower my standards a little. As long as it was a man that could show me a good time, help me forget for a little bit, I wouldn't mind even if we ended up f*****g in the alley behind the bar.

A couple of hours after I nursed my one beer and a glass of water, I went home, disappointed. My stomach grumbled just as I walked into the apartment, and I sighed when I remembered I hadn't eaten much all day.

There wasn't much in my kitchen. I did do some shopping in between coming back and going to work, but I didn't feel like cooking, so I sat at the small table in my small kitchen, eating dry cereal at a ridiculous time, it should be close to midnight.

When did my life get this pathetic?

If it had been before, I wouldn't be sitting there, miserable. Going out and not finding anyone wasn't anything bad; I'll try later and keep trying until I find someone. After all, if good men were all over the place, even if you weren't looking for anything long-term, someone else could find them just as easily as I could. It wasn't anything to cry over.

As I ate my cereal, though, little teardrops fell into the bowl, as if to make my cereal a little less dry.

Somehow, I managed to choke down the half bowl of cereal I'd poured. Then, I drank some water, stopped at the bathroom, and went to bed.

Even knowing I had to head out for work early in the morning, I didn't fall asleep immediately. My thoughts, of course, were all on Stephen. I didn't want to think about what I'd seen just before I ran out of the hospital, though. Instead, thoughts of Stephen, our memories together, moved through my mind. Not just big things, but small, everyday things that we did together. I surprised myself at just how much I remembered, and I let it comfort me and tried to sleep.

I didn't know how long I'd been trying before I gave up and admitted to myself that I was not ready to fall asleep. As much as I only wanted to focus on the good, it was impossible for the freshest, harshest memories not to sneak in as well.

With an irritated sigh, I jumped out of bed. I rummaged around in the dark until I found my phone, then returned to the bed. I lay in the fetal position, pulled the cover over my head, and turned the screen on. Unlocking the phone, I navigated to my images.

Taking pictures with the men, I was with was another thing I never did, that I did a lot with Stephen. There were a lot of pictures from the last few months, some with just me, some with just him, and a lot with the two of us together.

I went through all the pictures, one by one. I went through the few pictures I'd taken before that, too, trying to compare. The me before and after Stephen didn't even look like the same person. I had been so happy, even though I'd tried to deny it.

My eyes blurred with tears, and as I blinked, they fell. First slow, then practically flooding so I couldn't see no matter how much I blinked. I cried, for what I wanted, what I knew could not ever be. We couldn't be together.

I curled around my phone and cried myself to sleep.

The morning was hell for me. I didn't know when I slept, and my head hurt from all the crying before that. With a shower, I felt a bit more human, but I was already in a terrible mood when I left my apartment.

At work, the secretary was smirking a lot. Not at me, but just in general. Every time I saw her, even when in the middle of work, or when talking to another coworker, she had that damn smirk on her face. I saw her way more than usual, and I refused to be honest about myself and admit it was because I kept taking detours.

The worst parts of the day were when I saw the secretary and Stephen in the same space, together. Around him, she wasn't smirking. She threw him heated, secretive glances, glances that I hated because Stephen's eyes revealed that he was receptive to them.

He's moved on so f*****g quickly for someone so heartbroken, I thought, both angry and hurt.

Still, why did he and his new conquest have to pick today to flaunt themselves, of all days? I'd all but forgotten what day it was until Patty showed up in front of me and jumped me for a hug.

"Happy birthday, Julia!" she crooned with a wide smile.

Oh. Today was the day I turned twenty-seven.

I hated it.

My birthday wasn't something I celebrated much, to begin with. A loner like me, if someone said happy birthday to me like it was something special, I'd only feel awkward. I'd do a video call with Mom if we didn't see each other on birthdays, and that was the extent of how special it was.

I got flowers from my coworkers later in the evening, and there was even a cake we got to share in the break room. It was the biggest celebration I'd had in years, and it did lighten my mood a little bit. I told myself it was good enough.

The end of my shift came, and I went home. Only, when I arrived, at my apartment, Stephen was standing in front of my door. I stopped.

Was... this why I didn't see him with everyone else at the impromptu party?

He looked up, noticing I was there, his eyes piercing into me. I'd expected to spend my evening alone, but now that he was here, I wasn't going to chase him away. Something in my chest wanted to relax in relief, but I didn't let it.

My body, though, lit up immediately.

I hurried over, my hands shaking as I pulled out my keys. It took a few tries before I could fit it into the door to unlock it. Stephen calmly followed me inside, and the door closed. Then, we jumped each other like animals.

Who jumped who first, I had no idea, but I was suddenly in his arms, being kissed fiercely. I didn't ask questions. Why he was there, why he was avoiding me, about the secretary, anything. After fumbling at the door for a bit, we stumbled our way to the bedroom and fell into bed, already halfway stripped.

The next morning, when I woke up, I was alone. Stephen was gone, and my heart broke.

I set my alarm clock, so I'd have just enough time to get prepared, have breakfast, and leave so I wouldn't be late. I wasted a few minutes trying not to cry and failing anyway, then I had to rush, or I really would be late.

Fuck, I know I made a mistake.

If I were honest with myself, I'd admit I knew it the moment I'd dumped him, when Stephen agreed with it and stopped fighting against my misgivings. But it was done, and all I was left with were regrets.

By now, it was way too late, and I knew it. I knew I loved him; last night had shown me that. Even amidst all that passion, I couldn't help holding him tenderly, and Stephen had still been gentle with me while we were both out of our senses with want. But I just couldn't hurt my mother and keep doing this.

I was good at being alone. Most of the time, I preferred it, but Mom wasn't like that. If the relationship between her and Paul went down the drain, she'd be devastated.

Would Stephen even take me back if I crawled to him, though? I was the one to end things in the first place. Stephen obviously hadn't missed all the times I'd tried to push away from him, to try and keep an emotional distance. He didn't give up just because I said no once, that wasn't like him. He must have seen it coming, with my behavior, and he must have been disappointed that his efforts to get me to stick it out with him had done nothing in the end.

How could I possibly fix this? Where could I turn to get answers? I had no idea. If there was a way to solve this, I didn't know it and couldn't think of it. What I did know, was that if I wanted Stephen, if I wanted to risk everything, then I'd have to find a way.

It was dependent on if he hadn't moved on yet. But last night showed he hadn't, right?