Delicate and Ruthless (SERIE FEROCI 11)

Chapter Five

"What should I do? Should I pose or something?"

Lorden sat on the bed. Humawak siya sa leegan ng t-shirt niya saka itinakip 'yon sa labi niya. Nag-init ang pisngi ko. Lumapit ako sa kaniya at tinitigan siyang maigi. I stared at him as my eyes narrowed. He just raised his eyebrow.

"Okay na," sabi ko na lang.

"Okay na?" he asked.

I nodded. "Yes. I took a picture of you in my mind. Okay na 'yon."

Lorden stared at me for a few seconds then nodded. "Okay, if you say so."

I smiled at him and nodded. "Thank you. I'll start painting now," sabi ko na lang saka bumalik na sa canvas.

I used a bigger canvas this time. I was about to take my paint brush, but I stopped when I felt Lorden's presence on my back. I turned my gaze at him. "W-what are you doing?"

He tilted his head. "I'll watch."

Agad akong umiling at bahagya siyang itinulak. "H-hindi pwede. Hindi ako komportable. Para mo na 'kong pinanood maghubad kapag ganoon."

"So, what? I already seen you naked just earlier. We even had s*x," he muttered.

My cheeks heated. "I-it's quite different! Basta... P-pwede huwag mo muna tingnan hanggang hindi pa tapos?" bulong ko.

Kahit halatang napilitan, tumango na lang si Lorden saka lumayo. Nakahinga naman ako nang maluwag nang magtungo na lang siya sa balcony. Tumambay na lang siya roon. Ibinalik ko na lang ang atensyon ko sa canvas at nag-isip kung paano ko siya ipipinta.

What about naked art?

I gasped and shook my head when a vulgar image flashed in my mind. I gently slapped my cheek and repeatedly shook my head. My goodness. Bakit ko ba naiisip ang ganoon? Naging marumi na yata ang isip ko.

I imagined him in a three-piece suit with his domineering aura. I smiled and nodded. Siguro ay iyon na lang. Sa ganoon pinakamalakas ang dating niya. He looked strong and intimidating, cold and unfaltering.

I started painting. Paminsan-minsan ay napapatingin ako kay Lorden na nakatambay pa rin sa balcony at mukhang nagpapahangin. Pumasok din siya agad pagkalipas ng ilang minuto. Humiga na siya sa kama, saka tumingin sa akin.

"When are you planning to sleep?" he asked.

"Uhm, m-mamaya na... S-saan pala ako matutulog?" bulong ko.

He tapped the space beside him. "Here."

Nag-init ang pisngi ko. "S-sigurado ka? Pwede naman ako sa couch."

"Don't be too flustered. I let my past whores sleep beside me. This is not new."

Napakagat ako sa loob ng pisngi ko at marahang tumango. Masyado na yata akong assuming.

"G-good night," bulong ko na lang saka ngumiti sa kaniya.

Lorden stared at me, then nodded. Hindi na siya nagsalita pa at pumikit na lang, kaya tumuloy na ako sa ginagawa ko. Madalas talaga, nakakalimutan ko ang oras kapag nagpipinta ako. This is the only thing that keeps me alive for the past years.

Makalipas ang halos isang oras, natigilan ako nang mapansing gumalaw si Lorden. Humarap siya sa direksyon ko, pero mukhang tulog na tulog na. Napatigil ako sa pagpinta. I put my palette and paint brush on the table and stood up. Lumapit ako sa kaniya. I crouched and stared at his sleeping face. I found myself smiling while staring at him... He looks peaceful... and defenseless.

Ibang iba siya kapag natutulog. Sleeping Lorden is far from the cold and ruthless Lorden Levesque. He looks innocent, and soft, and genuine... I couldn't explain. I can't stop smiling while staring at him. I want to touch his face, but I did my best to restrain myself. I don't want to wake him up.

I stood up and went back to my canvas. Kinuha ko ang nauna kong ipininta at pinalitan 'yon ng bago. Muli kong sinulyapan si Lorden. Napangiti ako at kinuha ang paint brush ko... I know now what image of him I'm going to paint.

NALIMUTAN KO NA talaga ang oras. Tumigil lang ako dahil sumasakit na ang braso at balikat ko. Tinakpan ko muna ng tela ang canvas saka hinimas himas ang balikat ko. I looked at the wall clock. It's already 2 a.m.

I went to the bathroom and did my night rituals. Nagpalit ako ng mahabang cotton night dress. Lumapit ako kay Lorden habang pinupunasan ang buhok ko. Napangiti ako habang nakatitig sa payapang mukha niya. I really want to sleep beside him, but I don't to wake him up.

Kumuha na lang ako ng isang unan at nagtungo sa couch saka humiga roon. Tumitig ako sa kisame.

Nawawala sa isip ko ang misyon ko. Para lang akong nagbabakasyon.

I touched my forehead and stared intently at the ceiling. I don't want to do this anymore either. I just want to be alive... truly alive. I just want to do all the things that I want. I want to be free. I want to love and be loved. I just want to be a normal person with a normal life.

Pagod na rin ako.

I shook my head and covered my face with my palm. Stop thinking, Kate. Just stop. You have no choice anyway.

I just closed my eyes, but I couldn't sleep. Napatingin na lang ako kay Lorden na mahimbing pa rin na natutulog. Bahagyang ngumiti na lang ako at tinitigan siya hanggang sa makatulog ako.

"HMM..." I groaned as I woke up.

I slowly opened my eyes. Tumingin agad ako sa wall clock, 9 a.m. na pala. I don't really wake up this late, madalas gising na ako ng 5 or 6 a.m. Mukhang napasarap ang tulog ko.

Natigilan ako at napabalikwas ng bangon nang mapagtanto ko na wala ako sa couch. Nasa kama na!

Did I sleepwalk? I'm not a sleepwalker though. I don't want to assume that Lorden carried me and put me here. Pero iyon lang naman ang naiisip ko na posibleng dahilan.

Kinagat ko ang ibabang labi ko at bumangon na lang. I just toasted some bread and did my morning rituals before I went back to my canvas. Sana lang ay hindi sinilip ni Lorden 'to dahil hindi pa tapos.

I just continued painting. I unconsciously smiled while staring at the canvas. Sleeping Lorden Levesque flashed in my mind again. He really looked so peaceful... and huggable. Buti na lang talaga at napigilan ko ang sarili na humiga sa tabi niya at yakapin siya.

I spent hours painting. Usually, nagtatagal ako sa mga ganitong painting, pero natapos ko kaagad!

I restrain myself from squealing and bit my lower lip. I stared at the canvas for a few minutes before I decided to cover it with a cloth again. I'm excited to see Lorden's reaction. Sana magandahan siya sa ginawa ko.

Humiga ako sa kama at napatitig sa ceiling. Natigilan ako, naramdaman kong nanikip ang dibdib ko nang maalala ko si Papa... at ang misyon ko.

I covered my face with my palms and sighed. Was it really okay for me to waste my time like this? Why am I not doing anything? Why do I just keep on playing around and painting?

Napailing na lang ako at bumangon. I roamed my eyes around the place. He doesn't have any CCTV cameras here, even hidden cameras. Mapapansin ko iyon kung meron. I've been doing this for years.

I sighed and looked at the wall clock. It's still 3 p.m. Maghahalughog muna ako siguro hangga't hindi pa siya umuuwi.

I started with his drawers. I saw nothing suspicious or anything worth looking for. Siguro hindi niya rito itinatago ang mga dokumento at papel niya. Hindi na ako nagtaka. Marami pa siyang ari-arian at meron siyang mansyon na tinutuluyan. This condo unit is just his temporary shell.

I sighed and ran my fingers through my hair. I guess I won't be able to find anything here. Kung wala rito, sa kompanya niya, meron siguro. Papayagan naman kaya ako ni Lorden na pumunta roon?

I just sat on the bed and played with my fingers. Napatingin ako sa canvas na natatakpan ng tela... Do I really deserve to feel happiness? To indulge myself in art? To forget who I am even for a moment?

Or maybe... I deserve them, but I can never have them... because I was never free.

I just shook my head to stop myself from thinking such things. I stood up and took my bag. I wore my jacket before I stormed out of Lorden's unit. Sumakay agad ako ng taxi papunta sa kompanya ni Lorden kung saan kami unang nagkita.

My mind was all over the place. I was just enjoying my time earlier, and now, here I am, facing the reality of my life.

I was never comfortable betraying people. Palagi akong kinakabahan sa tuwing nasa misyon, pero iba ang pakiramdam ngayon kay Lorden. Mabigat sa dibdib ko... na hindi ko maipaliwanag.

Bumaba na rin agad ako ng taxi at nagbayad. Parang gusto ko na agad umatras nang nasa tapat na ako ng kompanya. Siguradong hindi rin naman ako papapasukin dito. Wala pa rin akong bagong cellphone at wala akong number ni Lorden.

I sighed and sat on the bench nearby. I was suddenly impulsive. Siguro dahil masyado akong frustrated. I lost my cool for a moment.

I just waited here. Hindi ko alam kung gaano ako katagal nanatili. Nakatitig lang ako sa mga paa ko habang tinatapik tapik ang sahig gamit ang mga 'yon.

"Kate..."

I flinched when I heard that familiar baritone voice. I instantly stood up and smiled when I saw Lorden. May kasama siyang lalaki na hindi pamilyar sa akin. Lumapit siya sa'kin, nakapamulsa. Nakakunot ang noo niya, marahil nagtataka kung bakit nandito ako.

"Who's that?" the man beside him asked.

I gulped and looked at him. He seems to be Lorden's friend, maybe a feroci member too. He's intimidating. He's lean and tall too. I shivered a little as I looked at his cold eyes.

"Is she your new b***h or something?" diretsahang tanong pa ng lalaki. Halos magtayuan ang balahibo ko sa malamig na boses nito.

"Shut up, Zevero," Lorden said and gave him a cold look.

The man named Zevero grinned. "Calm your balls, man." Tumapik pa ito sa balikat ni Lorden.

Iniwan na rin kami agad ang lalaki at sumakay sa kotse nito saka pinaharurot. Napakagat ako sa ibabang labi ko at kinakabahang tumingin kay Lorden.

"Don't mind him. He's an asshole. He's only kind to his children," he said and shrugged.

I just smiled and nodded. "It's okay. I'm your slut anyway."

Napaupo si Lorden sa sinabi ko. He let out a sexy chuckle and tilted his head. He stared at me with amusement in his eyes. "Why are you always like this?"

My forehead creased. "Huh? What do you mean?" I asked, confused.

Lorden shook his head. "Nothing... What are you doing here?"

I bit my lower lip and held the hem of his suit. "W-wala lang. Bored na ako sa bahay. I just want to visit you here."

Lorden went silent for a moment before he spoke. "Why are you being so clingy all of a sudden?" he asked and raised his eyebrow.

My cheeks burned. "I-I'm not being clingy! Bored lang ako!" depensa ko sa sarili ko.

Hindi na nagkomento pa roon si Lorden. "Have you eaten?" he suddenly asked.

"N-not yet," I mumbled.

Lorden just nodded and held my wrist. Hinayaan ko na lang at nagpatianod sa kaniya nang hilahin niya ako papuntang kotse niya. Isinakay niya ako sa shotgun seat. Tahimik na sumunod na lang ako. Agad ding sumakay si Lorden at pinaandar ang sasakyan. I just stayed silent and played with my fingers.

Tahimik lang din si Lorden buong biyahe, hanggang sa makauwi na kami sa unit. Tahimik na umupo na lang ako sa couch at tumitig sa sahig. Napatingin ako kay Lorden. He looked at me too, then he removed his watch and put it on the bedside table.

I just avoided his gaze when he started unbuttoning his suit. Nagkunwari na lang akong abala sa pagtingin sa kung saan-saan.

I just turned the TV on when Lorden went to the bathroom. Mukhang magsho-shower na siya. Tahimik na lang ako habang nanonood. I don't know why everything suddenly felt awkward. Hindi rin maganda ang pakiramdam ko.

Lumabas na rin si Lorden pagkatapos niya mag-shower. He wore a simple white fitted shirt and black sweatpants. He went to the kitchen and started preparing ingredients. Mukhang magluluto siya. Pasimpleng napapatingin na lang ako.

"Let's eat, Kate," sinabi niya matapos magluto at maghain.

Tumango na lang ako at lumapit sa kaniya. I sat on the chair across him. Nagsimula na kaming kumain. Napapatingin pa rin ako sa kaniya. Mukhang napansin ni Lorden kaya nagtatakang tumingin siya sa akin, bahagyang napakunot pa ang noo.

"Is there a problem, Kate?" he asked.

"Uhm, w-wala naman," bulong ko na lang. "Uhm... pwede ba akong bumisita sa'yo sa trabaho mo paminsan-minsan?" tanong ko.

He nodded. "Sure. I don't mind."

Natahimik na ulit kaming pareho. Pagkatapos kumain, tumayo ako agad at hinugasan ang platong ginamit ko. I went to the bathroom and took a shower too. After doing my night rituals, I went out of the bathroom wearing my long white nightgown. I wiped my wet hair with the towel.

I gasped when I saw Lorden standing in front of my canvas. Agad akong lumapit sa kaniya at itinulak siya palayo roon. Buti na lang at hindi niya inalis ang telang nakatakip.

He slightly tilted his head and stared at me. "Why? Is it not done yet?" he asked.

I bit my lower lip and shook my head. "T-tapos na... p-pero wait lang," bulong ko.

"If it's done, then let me see."

"B-bakit ka ba excited?" nauutal na tanong ko.

"Of course. You just painted me. I'm dying to see it."

I chewed my bottom lip and looked at him. I was suddenly embarrassed that I wanted to cry. "W-wait..." I murmured.

Umatras ng isang hakbang si Lorden. "Okay. I won't look." He raised his hands up to his chest, as if he's surrendering.

Napakagat na lang ako sa ibabang labi ko nang lumayo na si Lorden at nagtungo sa kama niya. He took his laptop and opened it. Hindi ko alam kung bakit bigla akong nakonsensya. I really want him to see my painting, but I need to check it again, saka nahihiya ako bigla!

Lumapit ako kay Lorden. He just stopped typing on his laptop and looked at me. I held his hand and pulled him up.

"What?" he asked.

"S-sige na, tingnan mo na," bulong ko na lang.

Lorden stood up. His domineering height overshadowed mine. "You're about to cry though... If you don't want me to see, I won't look."

I shook my head and pulled him. Nang nasa tapat na kami ng canvas, inalis ko na ang nakatakip at ipinakita sa kaniya. Napapikit ako nang mariin at hinintay na magkomento siya... Natigilan lang ako nang mapansing natahimik siya.

I slowly opened my eyes and looked at him. He's still staring at my painting. I couldn't read what he was thinking. Wala namang nagbago sa reaksyon niya habang nakatitig doon... Siguro hindi niya nagustuhan.

"I was sleeping, huh," he muttered while staring at the painting. He looked at me. "You're quite sneaky."

I bit my lower lip and played with my fingers. "Y-you look peaceful when you're sleeping... I-I like to paint your peaceful face," I mumbled.

Oh, Kate. Just shut up. He would think you're a weird freak or something.

Lorden chuckled. "Is that so?" He looked at the painting again. He stared at it, even at every single detail.

I bit the insides of my cheeks while staring at him. I wanted to read his mind. Ano kaya ang iniisip niya ngayon? Nagustuhan niya ba... o baka naman masyadong simple iyon para sa kaniya?

Lorden looked at me again. "It's beautiful... Thank you."

Nag-init ang pisngi ko sa sinabi niya. Agad akong napaiwas ng tingin at pinaglaruan ang mga daliri ko. "Y-you're welcome... T-thank you rin."

This is bad. Whenever I'm with Lorden, I always forget the reality of my life... that I'm here to spy on him, that I'm not here to play and have fun, that I'm his enemy and I shouldn't let my guard down... When I'm with him, I always forget that I could die in his hands anytime.