Back Again [Completed]

Finale

Tangled thoughts

Twisted words

Mixed up feelings

Loving hurts

-Perry Poetry

"Nandito na si Elle!"halos mapangiwi ako but I choose not to, nakakahiya naman kasi baka isipin nila ang arte-arte ko, eh bakit naman kailangan pang in-announce ni Syn ang arrival ko, most awaited guest lang? Hay naku.

Sumalubong sa akin si Lola na ikinangiti ko, "Laaaa!" Patili kong sabi sabay yakap kay Lola habang si Nico naman ay ginulo ang buhok ko kaya tinampal ko ang kamay nya. Nakakainis kasi, bakit kailangan nyang sirain ang buhok ko? He has a girlfriend, he should know that aside from eyebrow, hair is a must not ruin part of our preparation.

"Osya osya, tutal nandito na rin naman si Elle ay kumain na tayo." Sabi ni Lola kay tumango kaming lahat, we went to the dinning to see that he was telling the truth. His entire family is here. From his Mom to his siblings. Oh my goodness!

I gulped and smiled at them. I think I showed them a professional smile. Pero ano'ng magagwa ko? I feel so awkward lalo na sa Mama at Ate nya, urgh! Kilala nila ako noong naging kami. Get a grip Elle!

"Hello po..." bati ko habang sila ay nakangiti lang sa akin. The same welcoming smile they gave me back then.

"Hala totoo nga ang sinabi sa akin nito ni Denise. Ay sobrang gumanda ka nga iha." sabi ni Tita kaya natawa ako.

"Salamat po, kayo nga po para hindi man lang tumanda." puri ko na ikitawa rin ng huli.

"Elle pinagluto kita ng paborito mong Chapsuey, sana magustuhan mo." sabi ni Lola na ikinangiti ko.

"La, kahit anong putahe basta ikaw nag-luto, magugustuhan ko. Magugustuhan naming lahat." sagot ko

And then we started eating, mostly si Lola at Tita lang ang nag-uusap pati si Syn at Ate Denise. I forgot to mention he's sitting in front of me, just perfect. Hindi tuloy ako makanguya ng maayos dahil pakiramdam ko ay nakatitig sya sa akin kanina pa and it's freaking me out. Nararamdaman ko na ang pawis sa likod ko and I hope no one noticed my sweat at my forehead. Tatlong electric fan ang nandito kaya hindi na dapat ako pagpawisan ng ganito but with the way he's looking at me? I don't think I will be able to breath properly.

Kaya naman kinuha ko ang baso ng iced tea na nasa harap ko at ininum ito. Habang umiinom ay nag-uusap pa rin sina Lola at Tita.

"Ikaw ba, Manay, tingin mo? Mas bagay 'tong anak ko at 'tong si Elle 'di ba?" biglang sabi ni Tita kaya nasamid ako.

What the freaking f**k?!

Nanlaki ang mga mata kong tumigin kay Tita tapos kay Lucas na ngayon ay walang ngiti pero may kung anong kislap ang mga mata nya and his lips, it's shut like he's restraining himself of something.

Nagtatakang tumingin sa akin si Tita, "Bakit iha? May boyfriend ka na ba ngayon? Mukhang gulat na gulat ka ah." Hindi ako agad makapagsalita at ang tanging magagawa ko lang ay tumitig kay Tita with my mouth agape.

Wait— did she just said Lucas and I are good together? As a couple?

Nang maka-recover ako sa sinabi ni Tita ay agad akong natawa, well, it wasn't really a happy laugh lalo na sa mga nakakakilala sa akin. "Nagkakamali po kayo Tita.." sabi ko with a laugh as I glance at Lucas who's looking at me intently. Nag-iwas ako ng tingin at ngumiti kay Tita. "Lucas has a girlfriend, it's Loraine po." Kumunot ang noo ni Tita at tumingin kay Lucas habang natahimik naman ang ibang tao sa mesa. Hindi ko tuloy maiwasang magtaka, hindi ba alam ng pamilya nya na nobya nya si Loraine? That was what Mira told me over the phone, nagkakamabutihan na sina Lucas at Loraine ang she even referred to them as the LL couple. Halos lahat ng classmates namin noon na nakausap ko sabi ay sina Loraine at Lucas na. So, what's this all about?

"Lucas? Girlfriend mo si Loraine? Eh hindi ba boyfriend ni Loraine si Carl, kapwa mo abogado?" Tanong ni Tita na nagpalaki ng mata ko.

What?! They're not together?

I look at Lucas and he's looking at me with an unknown emotion in him. "Opo Ma, si Carl nga ang boyfriend ni Loraine. Hindi ko nga alam kung paanong nasabi ni Elle na kami, must be because of the rumors and fake news. The last time I checked," then he smiled at me "My girlfriend is in front of me."

I dropped the spoon I was holding. I couldn't think and there's a buzzing sound around me along with Syn's gasped. "Ha?" tanging nasabi ko matapos ang narinig ko mula sa kanya.

When I realized what he said I nervously look at Tita ang Lola along with Ate Denise and they all look expectant. I'm about to say something when my phone rang. Natigilan ako, unsure if I should answer but upon focusing and listening to the ringtone, it's someone I just can't ignore.

I fished my phone out of my bag, "Excuse me." I then stood up and answered the call.

"Hey Honey..." I greeted

"Hey girl, what's up? How's the hometown goin'?" she greeted back and it made me smile. Honeydew or Honey is my Editor and she's a half Australian and half Filipina.

"It changed, like other places do. Napatawag ka?" Tanong ko.

"Well, Henry asked me to call you dahil busy sya sa business meeting nya. He wanted to ask how your piece is doing. I told him to let you have your vacation but since you're his self acclaimed daughter of his, ayon, he keeps on pestering me." Natawa ako

"Aww, I know you love me, you know I love you two, right?"

"Oh my god, disgusting." She fake a gag kaya mas lalo akong natawa.

"Tell Henry I'm fine and I'm working on my piece, I won't let you down, not the both of you, alam nyo 'yan." sagot ko

"I know. We know, darling. Alright I need to attend a meeting as well. We'll see you soon, I love you ghorl!"

"I love you too, Honey!" I chuckled and ended the call and turn around to go back when I saw him, leaning on the door frame. I blinked twice to make sure if it's really him. Uhh, what is he doing in the door's frame?

At teka nga, he just proclaimed that I am his girlfriend. "Nababaliw ka na ba?" tanong ko sa kanya at kinaladkad sya sa likod ng bahay. I faced him and glare at him. "How could you say that? In front of Lola ang your Mom? Saan mo naman nakuha ang lakas ng loob sabihin ang bagay na 'yon? Ginatungan mo pa talaga ang sinasabi ni Tita kanina. Lucas, are you sane?" hindi makapaniwalang sabi ko habang hindi ko alam kung ano ang gagawin ko, susuklayin ko ba ang buhok ko or will I palm myself.

But instead of answering me, he smiled and chuckled. "Fuck.." he said breathlessly that caused for my forehead to crease. "Sorry, it's just that, hindi ka pa rin nagbabago, lumalaki pa rin ang butas ng ilong mo kapag nagagalit at nafu-frustrate ka. And it's still adorable as it could ever be." Sagot nya.

Natigilan ako sa naging sagot nya. Dapat ko bang i-appreciate ang ginawa nya? Na naalala nya pala ang itsura ko kapag nagagalit ang nafu-frustrate? Mapait akong ngumiti ang chuckled bitterly. "How about how I look when I'm sad? When I'm broken? Alam mo ba kung ano ang itsure ko, Lucas?"

His smile vanished as he look at me deeply. "I do."

"You don't." sagot ko. Maybe this is what Syn is talking about, the talk we both need. Dahil kung iniisip nya na ako pa rin ang girlfriend, maling-mali sya. Hindi ako ganon ka-tanga para matuwa at maki-ride sa kagaguhan nya.

I shut my eyes, arrggg, hindi ako palamura but I really need to let this out. I look at him after I composed myself. "We need to talk. I have—" bago ko pa matapos ang sasabihin ko ay agad nya akong hinila at dinala sa sasakyan nya pagkatapos mag-paalam kina Lola at Tita saka sa iba pa naming kasama kumain. "Teka, saan tayo pupunta?" Tanong ko

He glance at me as he drove his car, "You said you wanted to talk. The mangrove is close this time. I'll talk to Zel to open it for us."

"Hindi na kailangan, bukas pa naman ang kainan nina Anj—"

"Hindi mo ako masisigawan sa lugar na maraming tao, Elle. We both know how much you want to shout profanities at me." sagot nya ng walang halong biro.

"Well, that's true."

Moments later, I found myself staring at the vast ocean, it's endless. Like my thoughts right now. Bakit nga ba ako uli nandito? Why did even initiated this talk? Do I really have the strength to confront him into these things? What will happen? And more more more, thoughts.

'Yung kaninang tapang na meron ako, it slowly disappears, parang kandila na unti-unting natutunaw and it's scaring me. I knew he has an effect on me but I never thought it could be this severe. Its frightening. I shouldn't be feeling this way, wala akong dapat ikabahala. I sigh. Right.

I sigh once again clearing my head and reminding why I'm here and what this is all about. Nilingon ko sya na ngayon ay nakasandal sa hood ng sasakyan with his arms crossed and looking at me. "We're over." simula ko na hindi nya naman na ikinagulat. Umayos sya ng tayo at lumapit sa akin habang ako naman ay nag-iwas ng tingin at muling tumitig sa malawak na karagatan.

"Hindi ko alam kung paano ko sisimulan 'to, Elle. I honestly don't know what to say, lahat ng mga inaral at kinabisado kong sasabihin ko kung dumating man ang araw na 'to, tinangay ng alon." sabi nya habang nakatingin sa akin at tsaka sya tumingin sa malawak na dagat katulad ko. "But I'm sure of one thing, naging gago ako sayo. Naging gago ako noong mga panahon na imbes na suportahan ka, mas inuna ko ang ego ko. Fuck.." he laugh bitterly, "I was so stupid. I..." he look at me at kahit hindi ako nakatingin sa kanya, I can feel his frustration and slowly, bumibigat ang pakiramdam ko. "...and because of that stupidity, I lost you." his voice croaked.

With a gulp I nod my head, indeed. Isa syang gago, sobrang gago nya. I can feel my eyes watering even though I don't want to. I can't help it. Ngayong nagsasalita sya parang sirang plaka na paulit-ulit na nagrereplay sa isip ko ang mga masasaya naming alaala along with the painful ones, like it's reminding me of how I broke my heart because of the same man who treated me like his shade of gold but then threw me away when he found something better. "Sigawan mo ako Elle, slap me, curse me, scream at me! I can take it all but please..." he took my hand and made me look at him, "Not your silence, Elle. Never your silence."

I look at him. Really look at him in his tantalizing eyes that once held me captive, these eyes that caught me and caged me like a bird. "Mahal na mahal kita noon, Lucas. I was willing to be crazy over you, which I was actually kahit na...kahit na ako na lang yung active sa ating dalawa. Alam mo 'yon? Yung tipong we're in a relationship pero parang mag-on lang din kami ng sarili ko kasi everytime na nag-re-reach out ako sayo and you step back, I cheer myself up. Because everytime I fail at my school and my job, I cheer myself kahit na alam ko sa sarili ko that I wanted it to be you." My tears fell and his eyes followed it. Kumunot ang noo nito at bakas ang matinding pagsisisi.

I wiped it and chuckled lightly, it's a painful one. "I really don't want to remember those moments when you choose to give up on me while I'm pursuing my dream, no. Kasi mas lalong nagiging masakit, mas lalo akong naaawa sa sarili ko tuwing naaalala ko 'yon. I even asked myself so many times, bakit ako umabot sa puntong 'yon? Sino ka ba? Marami namang lalaki sa mundo so bakit ko dinudurog at pinagsisiksikan ang sarili ko sa lalaking nawalan na ng pakialam sa akin." dagdag ko whole I'm pointing at him, with tears rolling in cheeks and I don't even give a damn about it. I don't give a damn on how I look right now because, there's no point pretending, I was a mess because of him and somehow, I'm still a mess because of him.

"Ganon yata talaga.." I took my other hand from his and look at the vast ocean. May iilang ibon ang nagliliparan, they're beautiful, "ganon talaga siguro kapag mahal na mahal mo 'yung isa tao. Kahit na masakit na, kahit na durog na durog ka na, hanggat kaya mo pa sige lang, i-pu-push pa rin." I look at him again, "Iyon ang ginawa ko sayo, Lucas. I was almost an empty battery but I pushed through, for you, and can you imagine the pain of seeing you in those photos having the time of your life while I'm... I was miserable as fuck." My jaw clenched when tears fell from his eye. He's crying? Oh wow, must be guilt and he deserves it. Every inch of it.

I avoided his eyes and sigh, "Let's not dwell on the past. Gusto ko lang malaman, why? Bakit Lucas?" I couldn't look at him, I can but I choose not to kasi kahit anong iwas ko, his eyes are like my mirror and I'm afraid of bearing myself, being vulnerable with him. Ayoko. Hindi pwede.

"Just like what I said, Elle. Isa akong gago." Natawa sya ng mapait, "You said you're crazy about me and in a way, I know that I am. You love me so much you're willing to be away from me for my dreams while I love you so much that I can't let you go. Kaya pinigilan kita non. I was selfish but when I realized it's your dream we're talking about, hindi ko kinaya so I chose to let you pursue it. Hindi kita kinausap kasi alam ko if I did, I'll stop you. I was obsessed with you, Elle. So f*****g obsessed with you." I glance at him to see him smiling. Genuinely.

He glance at me kaya nag-iwas ako ng tingin, fudge, he caught me staring at him. "It was my ego, you know. I wanted you to rely on me, I wanted you to need me."

"I do— I did." My mouth is a unfiltered traitor.

"But not in a way I wanted you to need me. Noong umalis ka, some things happened. Conflicts with the family, my grades failing and I was a failure. I was so lost back then, my self-pity eating me. Doubts about my abilities grew stronger. Nangangapa ako kasi pakiramdam ko non, anytime you can leave me for something—someone better." Hindi makapaniwalang tumingin ako sa kanya, my face surely shows a what the f**k look. Because it is, he... oh my gosh, isa nga syang gago.

"Don't think that I take you as a girl like that, no way, sobrang insecure ako non. Dumagdag pa yung mga simpleng tanong about you. How's your life abroad and them saying you're surely successful now habang ako, I barely survive at school. Then I told myself, to have you back I have to make it through. I need to atleast survive and get my diploma. When I did, when they started to recognize me again, lumubo ulo ko. Lol, masyado akong nabilib sa sarili ko. And when I told you about those harsh things, I didn't mean to, Elle. Sabi ko nga isa akong gago and actually, even if I explain this to you I know that those doesn't justify what I did."

After he said that, I became numb. Hindi ako makapag-isip ng maayos and a part of me felt pain because of what happened to him, somehow both of us suffered. But another part of me contradicts, it's the protective part of me. I was hurt by him once and I shouldn't let him hurt me again. Well what's there to regret? It's over. We're over.

I heaved a deep sigh, "I'm now at ease knowing your side and you're right, it can't justify what you did, pero sa kabilang banda, gusto kong mag-sorry. I caused you pain too and—"

"Don't be. You have nothing to be sorry about, Elle. Because of what happened to me, to us, I grew more. I should thank you for that." Natigilan ako sa sinabi nya, I'm even stunned with his smile. He looks... relieved. Right there and then, I saw the Lucas I fell in love with. "Mukha kang nakakita ng multo." dagdag nya pa

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin at napalunok. Think straight girl! Right. "And I can say the same thing to you. Thank you for making me stronger. Thank you for breaking my heart, Lucas." I smiled without looking at him. "But we're still over. What he had, it was fantastic and painful at the same time. Thank you." sabi ko this time nakatingin na sa kanya.

Something crossed his eyes. "I know and as part of the relationship, I accept you breaking up with me. We never really had a proper closure and I guess this is what we both needed. We can't continue that relationship because one, we were too young and two, we've been through a lot. But for me, it's still here Elle. Kahit masakit, nakatatak 'yon dito." He said pointing where his heart is. The wildest organ of a human.

Tumango ako and a slight pain pinched my heart I don't know why. Isn't this why I needed? A proper closure? Tapos na, nagkausap na kami. Bakit nasasaktan pa rin ako? Oh right because.... Stop right there. It's over. It's done.

I composed myself and smile at him professionally. "Well, I'm looking forward to working with you. I'll contact you regarding the magazine and what we will be doing for it."

Tumalikod na ako at naglakad when he said something that literally stopped my heart beating for a moment and got me totally froze on the spot.

"Liligawan kita ulit, Elle. I let you broke up with me because along with letting that relationship go, I also wanted us to let go of that gago and stupid version of me before. Pero hindi ibig sabihin non na hahayaan kitang mawala ulit sa akin. Hindi ako nag-sayang ng effort kaka-stalk sayo at kakapanood sa vlogs mo para sa wala." My eyes widen when he's in front of me smiling from ear to ear. "I will earn your trust again and I will ask for your forgiveness at the same time." Dagdag nya habang unti-unting papalapit ang mukha nya sa akin. "By the way, welcome back, fishball. See you later." And with that, he took my hand and placed his car's key and then left while whistling, his right hand on his pocket and his left hand massaging his now red nape.

At ako, si tanga, heto tulala pa rin.

I slap myself, "Elle, wag kang marupok, maawa ka." I shake my head and went to his car and manoeuvre it.

I saw him ahead and stop the car beside him. I tried composing myself and look at him formally despite the loud and fast beating of my heart. "Get in." Sabi ko

He smiled, "Saan? Sa puso mo?"

I bit my lower lip to stop a smile. "Gago."

He chuckled. "Aight."

And he did, the next thing I know, we're talking about random things and telling each other's life while we're afar, like friends but old lovers.

That's when I realized, no matter how much pain a person caused you, when they truly regret what they did and you still love them, wholeheartedly, second chance does exist and will surely be not in vain.

I didn't just come back in my hometown, I'm back in his life, again.

~

Unedited. The End.