Back Again [Completed]

One

"We ignore each other and try to pretend the other person doesn't exist, but deep down we know it wasn't supposed to end like this"

-curiano.com

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"Ano'ng oras ka makakarating?"

I rolled my eyes. Nakailang texts na ba ang Gurong ito sa'kin? Palibhasa nagpapahinga na lang sya ngayon. Kainis. Again, for the millionth time, charot, tenth time rather, hindi ako nag-reply. Una, hindi ko alam kung anong oras ako makakarating. Pangalawa, wala akong load at ikatlo, kung may load man ako, nakakatamad mag type. I lied, may load ako actually.

It's a maximum of 4-hour-drive bago marating ang maliit na bayan ng Esperanza sa probinsya ng Masbate, I can't just play online games in that four hours!

"Hoyyyy! Reply naman dyan! Iba-barbecue na namin 'to!"

I bit my lower lip para iwasan ang mainis. Sinagot ko na 'to kanina na hindi ko alam kung oras ako exactly makakarating dahil it could be traffic somewhere on my way there, probably, palabas ng Masbate Port where I currently am.

"Hindi ko alam kung anong oras, Syn. Stop texting me nagda-drive ako."Lie. I am not driving. I never, as in never use my phone whenever I drive. Travelling by land para marating ang Masbate is tiring, but fulfilling. I get to stop at every local gift shop on the way. Unlike noong nag-aaral pa ako na sa bus kami non, hanggang tingin pa lang noon ang mga gusto kong mabili but through working hard, I am now financially capable.

And it's a good thing. But I always keep it a habit to share my blessings. It's a good feeling.

I heaved a deep sigh. I'm visiting Esperanza again, after 10 years I'm finally going back. Makikita ko na naman si Lola at ang mga baliw kong mga kaibigan noong high school.

***

"Yung mga pinadala ko ahead of time nakuha nyo na sa bus?"

It took Syn almost five minute before she answered my text.

And through call. Just—urgh.

"Hello." I greeted

"Nasan ka na ba? Anong oras na ah? Dapat kanina ka pa nandito." I rolled my eyes. Wala man lang kamusta ako or ang pagda-drive ko. Savage.

"Nasa Pio V. Corpuz pa ako. Nasiraan ako ng gulong somewhere in Cataingan."it's half true. Yep half, dahil I'm actually already in Esperanza, my car is parked in the parking alloted in Renzales Beach Resort, the space I reserved ahead of time. Actually, Syn reserved it for me. But it's true na nasiraan ako ng gulong somewhere in Cataingan.

"Nasan ka?"tanong ko sa kanya

"Renzales Beach Resort." I nodded

"Okay. Dadaan muna ako sa bahay bago ako pumunta dyan."

"Okay! Text ka kapag nasa labas ka na, sasalubungin kita!"

"Yeah."

I ended the call and stare ahead to see a couple smiling and laughing at each other. Nag-iwas ako ng tingin at ginala ko na lang ang tingin sa resort. Ten years ago, this resort barely had a parking space for motorcycle, 'yon lang kasi ang afford ng mga tao noon dito but now, impressively, it's bigger and has four building, three storey each and cottages near the sea shore.

I wanted to go out yet I can't. Bakit kasi hindi pa pumasok ang dalawang 'to sa loob? Why do they need to flirt outside? Sa parking lot pa talaga ha. Don't they know that if the oldies saw them they'll be in trouble? Tsk, nakakalimutan naman yata ng babaeng to na maging conservative.

My phone rang only to see Syn's name on the screen.

Syn Buang Calling...

I rolled my eyes.

"I'm freaking driving!"asik ko kunaware

"b***h don't me! Nag text si Nico, he asked me if nandito ka na! Apparently hindi mo in-orient ang mga tao sa bahay na wag sabihin na nandito ka na one hour ago pa! Where in Ezperanza are you?!" Oops, I'm caught.

"I'm at Masbaranon."sagot ko

"Aba at talagang— Hindi ka sasagot ng maayos Elle?!"nagtitimping tanong nya. I pouted and bit my lower lip afterwards.

"I'm at the parking lot, ten minutes na ako dito." I lied again, I can't exactly tell her na I've been here for thirty minutes already. It will make me look pathetic. And I don't want to look pathetic. I deserve more than to be look upon with pity.

"Ano? Bakit hindi ka nagsasabi? Hays, papunta na ako dyan!" Then she hang up. I gulped.

Why aren't they leaving yet? Are they not done canoodling? For Pete's sake! Sana lang hindi nila napansin na ang sasakyan ko. Good thing it's heavily tinted. Pero kung sasalubungin ako ni Syn from here they'll know that this car has been occupied by me already. Ah s**t, it will make me look pathetic.

Nanlaki ang mata ko nang lumabas si Syn and she's right behind the lovebirds. Agad ko syang tinawagan. Good thing she picked up quickly.

"Hello na—"

"Shut up first Syn!"

"Huh?"she asked confused

"On your left."tanging sagot ko and she glance on her left to see the lovebirds. "Oh."usal nya

"Yeah, oh."sagot ko naman

"Mesheket?" Pang-aasar nya

"Bitch." I mumbled

"Oh Lucas nandito ka pala, oy hi Loraine!" What is she doing?!

"Hey Syn. Ano'ng ginagawa mo dito?"napapikit ako when he spoke. This is suffocating.

"Ako nga dapat nagtatanong sa inyo nyan, anong meron at nandito talaga kayong dalawa sa parking? Anong meron haaaa!" I wanted to throw Syn the pebbles where she's standing but sadly, I can't.

Loraine's familiar soft voice chuckled,"Ikaw talaga Syn. We're talking about some...thing. Important." Yeah right. As if hindi ko kayo nakitang naghaharutan kanina from here.

"Ahh.."sagot ni Syn.

I rolled my eyes at Syn. "Hello Elle?!"

My eyes widen, b***h what?! "Hello?! Ano nakatulog ka na naman dyan sa sasakyan mo? Mamaya ka na matulog sa kwarto mo! Labas dyan! Gising!"kumunot ang noo ko sa mga pinagsasabi nya. What—oh, napangiti ako.

She started walking in my car's direction. "Thank you."halos pabulong na sabi ko and ended the call. I heaved a deep sigh as I glance at the couple.

This is a piece of cake. Pull yourself together, Elle! Smile like always, you can do this. Sandali lang 'to. It's just three weeks! Kaya mo 'to!

With that thought, I opened my car's door and I'm greeted with Syn's best ear tearing tili. Damn.

"Elleeeeeeeeeee!!!"natawa ako at niyakap na rin sya.

"Syyyyyyyynnn!!!"tili ko pabalik sa tenga nya. Sinamaan nya ako ng tingin ng kumalas sya sa pagkakayakap sa akin.

"Mas malakas at matinis pa rin ang boses mo kumpara sa akin. Wala ng tatalo dyan sa boses mo."natatawang sabi nya.

"Ganon talaga." I look behind her when he and Loraine approached us. I force a not-so-force-smile. "Hi!" I greeted.

"Elle, hiyang ka sa California ah, mas lalo kang gumanda." It made me chuckle. Loraine's voice is literally the south pole of mine. Hers is soft and mine's not rough but you know, 'yon yung tipo ng boses na hindi pan-dalagang pilipina. I laugh like a witch too. Seriously.

"Thanks! Ikaw din mas lalo kang naging soft spoken. Must be because you're a psychologist?"biro ko

She laughed, may poise! "Must be."

"Ay mamaya na yang chika nyo ha. Dala mo ba yung mga pinabili ng mga boys? Special request ni Josh, ayiiie!"asar nya. I rolled my eyes.

"Malisyosa but yes, nasa trunk. Tawagan mo na yung mga boys sila na magbuhat nito."sabi ko as I opened the trunk.

"Hey, let me help. Excuse me Lor."nanlaki ang mata ko and good thing my back is facing them. s**t, don't get close to me!

Bigla akong humarap only to be face to face with his chest. His. Freaking. Hard. Chest.

I blink. Once. Twice. Thrice.

Wake up, sleepyhead! His girlfriend is here! Pathetic!

Agad akong umatras and chuckled, to cover how nervous I am. "Sorry. Actually, you don't need to help. Hey Syn, papunta na ba sila?"

"Yes namaaaan! Oh ayan na pala sila eh!" I look at the area where she came from a while back to see Josh, Leslee, Allen, Jasper and Anne.

Biglang tumili si Anne and Leslee screamed my name. Natawa ako at tumakbo palapit sa kanila and he group hugged kasama si Syn.

"Ahhhh Ellleeeee!! Na-miss ka namiiiiin!!"tili ni Anne. She's a historian while Leslee is a Navy Seal. Jasper is an NBI agent, special unit division while Josh is working as a Cardiologist.

"Buti naisipan mo pang umuwi bruha ka!"sabi ni Leslee habang kunaware'y sinasabunutan ako.

"Savage pa rin tsk."sabi ko,"Hey!!" I greeted Josh and Jasper. Josh opened his arms so I gave him a hug. "Kaya mo 'yan. Three weeks lang 'to, Elle."bulong ni Josh sa akin. I smiled bitterly. Easier said than done.

"Osya osya osya, tara na! Reunion 'to 'di ba?"si Jasper habang tinutulungan nya at ni Josh sa pagbububat ng mga case ng alak. Tingnan ko lang kung hindi kayo malasing dyan.

***

And yep, I'm right, they're all wasted. Even my teacher of a cousin, Syn, is wasted. I shake my head.

"Pinshaann, mashaya ako umu-hik-wi kaaaash."natawa ako and fished my phone out para i-video sya.

Nakadalawang bote lang ako ng red horse ang my head's somehow spinning. My alcohol tolerance is not a strong as theirs. Lucky them, but right now, I'm glad hindi ako uminom ng masyadong marami.

"Hey Josh.."

"Ow.."

"Patulong naman, ihahatid ko lang sa kwarto nya to."he nodded and helped me take Syn to her room while she keeps blabbing about how happy she is that I'm back.

"Alam mo -hik- pinshaan, shi -hik- Lucsash hindi pa yata yon -hik- nakakalimot sa-hik-yo eh!" I froze as she laugh like a maniac.

Don't let it get into your head. She's drunk. And drunk people tend to tell truth, and also nonsense. Right.

It's clear that he moved on already. So am I.

Finally, I locked Syn's room while Josh is waiting for me. "Salamat ha."

"Nah, wala 'yon. Una na ako sa kwarto ko ha, umiikot na panignin ko eh."natatawang sabi ni Josh na ikinatawa ako

"Alright. Ingat ha baka tumambling ka dyan. Poor floor!"he playfully glared at me.

Shaking my head I walked towards my room while scrolling my phone for my email. When suddenly I bumped unto someone, napaatras ako. "Sorry sorry!" I look up to see Loraine. "Hey, san punta mo?" she shyly smile

"Pwedeng tulungan mo ako?"she asked

"Sure. What is it?"

"Bibili pa kasi ako ng gamot ni Lucas sa pharmacy for his head, hindi kasi sya actually pwedeng malasing and he has a special prescribed medicine. Can you um, look after him for a while?"

I'm frozen. What? She want me to look after Lu——him? "I know it's too much to ask pero wala kasing titingin sa kanya for a while habang bumibili ako. Baka mamaya maligo na naman yan sa bathtub." Ah, edi maligo sya. Paki ko. Wala nga bang paki, Elle? Ugh!

"Sure. No big deal. Just please hurry lang ha? I need to do something important kasi."she nodded her head. "That's his room."she pointed the door behind her on the right.

She left and so I'm left staring at the half n***d man who's currently unconscious because of too much alcohol. Compared to me, mas mataas ang alcohol tolerance nya, actually sobrang tagal nya ngang malasing eh. Ano naman kayang pinagdadaanan nito at bakit umabot sa puntong wala ng ulirat sa kalasingan. I stayed in the door frame of his room, just looking at the man who was once mine. Who was once the one of the source of my happiness. The same man who broke my heart six years ago.

Looking at him, napaisip tuloy ako, kung pumayag ba ako sa gusto nya, maaabot nya kaya ang gusto nya? If I choose to stay with him back then, will I be a successful now? Magiging isang kilala at kagalang-galang at magaling na abogado din ba sya ngayon?

It's ironic how I'm looking after him right now like how I do before. Right now is like a de javu except of course wala kami sa classroom. And we're no longer single. It's like the first time we met. But right now, I know my place. It's like yesterday pero ang kahapon lumipas na. Kasi ang lalaking tinitingnan ko ngayon ay ang lalaking piniling bumitaw sa pangakong sya naman ang gumawa.

How could some men be so heartless? Ang gagaling mangako at magsalita.

Why does some men are impatient? Hindi pa pwedeng maghintay habang binubuo at inaabot namin ang mga pangarap namin?

What am I even saying.

Kapag kaming mga babae nagmahal at binigay ang lahat, tanga, boba, martir. But if we choose ourselves and our future, ambitious and selfish?

He stilled in his sleep and my eyes widen. s**t. What would he think kapag nakita nya ako dito? Staring at him? A creep? A stalker? Crazy bitter EX? Oh my no!

I turn around and is about to leave when he spoke. "Fishball..."

Others may laugh at what he said, thinking he's sleep-talking at talagang fishball pa ang iniisip o napapaniginipan nya. But not me.

That mere word brought me back to where I don't wanna go back. Gutom ba sya at gusto nya ng fishball? Pwede naman na kikiam at kwek-kwek na lang ang i-crave nya. Ay 'wag pala kwek-kwek, it's, nevermind.

"Fishball, bati na tayo..."nanlaki ang mata ko. Did he just..called me? Oh what am I thinking. He could be dreaming of a fishball as his companion or whatever. Ugh!

I stare at his face. He's reaching out to something, his right hand raised. Please remind me again, why did we end this way?

Natawa ako ng mapait. Bakit ko pa nga ba tinatanong ang bagay na 'yon eh alam ko naman na ang sagot, I want to be more and he seems to dislike that. Masama ba na gusto kong abutin ang mga pangarap ko noon, huh Lucas? Mali ba ako na gusto ko lang naman na maging ready tayo.

Shaking my head I left his room. Why did I even agree in the first place. What we had is over.

~~~

"Ano, kamusta naman ang hangover mo? Ito oh laklakin mo." Syn grumble incoherent words as she took the pill from my hand.

"Thanks 'cous. I needed that."I rolled my eyes. "Kamusta ka pala? Nagkausap na ba kayo ni Lucas?"tanong nya na ikinatigil ko.

"Bakit naman kami mag-uusap?"nagtataka kong tanong.

"Huh? Hindi kayo nagkausap kagabi?"tanong nya pabalik. Ugh this is pointless.

"Hindi. There's nothing to talk about."sagot ko.

"Hala akala ko pa naman—haysst ang kupad naman ng lalaking 'yon."

"What?"tanong ko kasi bubulong bulong pa eh hindi na lang sabihin ng maayos.

"Wala, aalis pala ako later ha. Ikaw, wala kang lakad?"tanong nya as she stood up massaging her temple.

"Meron. Kakausapin ko si Ma'am Bless about the resort at mag-fi-film na rin ako for my vlog."sagot ko,"By the way, pupunta ako kay Lola don ako mag-la-lunch. Wanna come?"

"Syempre naman!"

I smiled. Ilang taon din naming hindi nakasama si Lola so it's best to spend time with her here in our hometown. Ilang beses na syang pinilit nina Mama at Papa na nasa Makati na lang mag stay or sa Pampanga but she won't. Nagkakasakit sya kapag nasa siyudad so we let her stay here with someone of course.

"Babalik lang ako sa kwarto ko. I'll have to talk to someone."

"Bf mo?"

"Tse."

She laughed while I shake my head as I go out. Kung makapang-asar naman ang bruhang 'yon. Feel ko tuloy syang ingudngud. Pero sige next time kapag lasing sya. As I closed the door bigla akong natigil. There he is, staring at me he habang nakasandal sya sa railings ng hallway. I glance around me. He's staring at me, is he really staring at me?

I look back to him again. "May, kailangan ka?"tanong ko. It would be rude kung hindi ko sya papansinin.

He nodded and he then started walking closer, as much as I want to step back that would mean I'm intimidated by his presence and I am not so of course I will not take a step back. Siya lang naman yan, there isn't any reason to step back. Wala...'di ba?

"Yes."he answered gruffly

"Uh, ano ba ang kailangan mo?"tanong ko

"Ikaw ang representative ng TWN right?"

I nod. "Bakit?"

"I'll be working with you for this project."

Kumunot ang noo ko. "TWN is a newspaper company. I can't find any possible reason why I need to work with you, no offense. Aren't you a lawyer?"

He simply shrug,"A friend of mine asked me to since he's one of the board of directors. I can't say no."

"But you're a lawyer. Not a journalist and especially not a tourist guide."

He shrug,"Indeed. But I was born and raised here, I could pass as a tour guide."

"Point taken but have you forgotten I was born and raised here as well?"

He shook his head. "Of course not. How could I? We were—"

"Alright alright, may gagawin pa kasi ako. Ano ba talagang kinalaman mo sa TWN?"

Bumuntong hininga sya na para bang pagod na syang magpaliwanag sa akin. Tsk. "My friend is one of the board of directors, haven't I told you that already? And he asked me to help you with your edition. Your first edition will be TWN Magazines first publish magazine edition isn't it?"

Tumango ako. Big deal ang project ko na 'to sa TWN dahil isa ako sa mga manunulat na magsusulat sa kauna-unahang edition for TWN first magazine, malaki ang expectation ng kompanya sa akin, sa amin, especially Henry, I can't let that man down.

"Kung ganon, pag-usapan na lang natin 'to mamaya. I have matters to take care of."

"Mag-la-lunch ka kila Lola?"

I almost rolled my eyes. Bakit ba napakaraming tanong ng lalaking 'to? "Yes. Why?"

"Great, ako rin."

"What?!"

Ano namang gagawin nya sa bahay? Ibang klase, talagang inimbita nya ang sarili nya.

"Lola Maisa invited my family."

Oh shoot. "K-kayong lahat?"naniniguradong tanong ko. If that's the case then how am I supposed to attend that lunch? My goodness! Why am I so unlucky?

"Yes all of us. Why? Is there something wrong?"

Agad akong umiling, am I too obvious? "Hindi naman sa ganon. Nagulat lang ako. Hindi ko naman alam na close na pala ang Mama mo at ang Lola ko."

"Yes they're very close friends now. It's been 10 years, maraming pwedeng mangyari."

I cleared my throat. At ano naman ang gusto nyang sabihin aber? Why am I even so stressed about this? It's not a big deal. "That's great then. Mauuna na ako."hindi na ako naghintay pa ng kung anumang sasabihin nya, it doesn't matter. I need to stay away from him, it's not doing good. Being close to him l is creating havoc in my thoughts and in my entire system.

***

"Hi Ma'am Bless."I smiled and she did. What I didn't expect is her giving me a hug.

"Mabuti naman at umuwi ka rin sa wakas. Aba ang tagal mo din na hindi umuwi dito sa probinsya. Masaya ako na kayo ng mga ka-batch mo ay naisipang umuwi."napangiti ako dahil sa sinabi ni Ma'am Bless. Isa syang Nurse habang seaman naman ang kanyang asawa at ang balita ko ay retired na ito. Even before when I was still in High School, ang pamilya Renzales ay isa sa mga kinikilalang may masasabi sa buhay but despite that, they remained humble and are always one call away to help. Noon, dahil na rin sa malayo sa siyudad ay hirap ang Esperanza pagdating sa usapang pangkalusugan, we rely on tawas and albularyo, up until now, but I'm glad na nagkaroon na ng maliit na ospital ang probinsyang 'to. This small town badly needs health professionals to properly diagnose illness.

"Oo nga po, masaya po akong nakauwi. Para hindi ka man lang tumanda Ma'am Bless, the last time I saw you mas payat lang kayo na kaunti but now you actually look sexier."mahinang natawa si Ma'am Bless sa mga sinabi ko.

"Naku naku binobola mo na naman ako. Oh siyangapala, sana makapunta ka sa hapunan sa resort mamaya. Kamusta naman ang pag-stay mo sa hotel? Sana naman ay kahit papano ay na-satisfy ka maliit naming hotel kahit na malayo pa 'yan sa mga ibang bigating hotel na napuntahan mo."

Ako naman ngayon ang mahinang natawa. "I'm very satisfied po Ma'am Bless, at may potential po ang hotel mo to compete with any other hotels. And I'll make sure to boost your Hotel in my upcoming Magazine Launching."

"Oo nga pala. Totoo ba na i-fi-feature mo ang hotel sa magazine nyo sa ibang bansa?"hindi makapaniwalang tanong ni Ma'am Bless. I nod my head.

"Actually, the entire Masbate but Esperanza will have a highlight. After all this is my hometown."

Tuwang-tuwa si Ma'am Bless. "Aba ay nakakatuwa naman kung ganon. Excited na ako dyan sa sinasabi mo."ngumiti lang ako.

"Pwede ko na po bang kunan ng photos ang buong Beach? Gusto ko rin po sanang malaman paano nag-start ang Renzales Beach Resort at kung ano ang mga naging challenges na hinarap ng resort nyo mula ng maitayo ito?"

Nagpatuloy ako sa pagtatanong tungkol sa resort at sa mga personal na rason na nakaapekto sa pagpapatayo at pamamalakad ng Renzales Beach Resort.

"Thank you po for cooperating, malaking tulong po ang mga sagot Ma'am Bless."

"Walang anuman, aba'y galingan mo sa pagsusulat ha."

Tumango ako at magalang na umalis. I checked my wristwatch to see it's already afternoon. "Matawagan na nga si Syn."

After a few rings ay sumagot naman ang buang. "Hey cousiiiin!!"napapikit ako, maliban sa maingay na nga ang background ay isa pa syang maingay.

"Hi, nasa bahay ka?"tanong ko

"Oo cousiiin, bilisan mo na dyan sa kung nasaan ka man. Magsisimula na ang tanghalian, nasan ka na ba?"tanong nya habang unti-unting nawawala ang maingay na background. Lumabas yata ang bruha.

"Nandito pa ako kina Ma'am Bless but I'm on my way, wala ba akong kailangang bilhin or something?"

"Wala wala. Kompleto na dito, presensya mo na lang ang kulang."sagot nya. Wala akong nagawa kundi bumuntong hininga na lang. Wala na ba talaga akong takas? Hayst. I need time to prepare, kung bakit naman kasi kanina ko lang nalaman na kasama pala ang pamilya nya sa lunch? Ugh if I only knew. I should have prepared myself, practice how I should act or anything to just avoid myself from doing stupid things and say unnecessary words.

"How about Rachel?" I ask

"Si Rachel? Mamaya pang hapon makakarating eh."

Napapikit ako, Rachel can help as a diversion. Unlike Syn, baka mamaya i-bugaw pa ako nito kay Lu— sa kanya, instead of helping me avoid trouble. Nakakahiya kay Loraine.

"Why don't we wait for her?"suggestion ko

Silence, until Syn answered,"Seryoso ka?! Hooooy bruha ka hapunan na 'yon kapag hinintay natin si Rachel. Alam mo ikaw masyado kang halata, ano hindi pa nakapag-move on? Affected much?"sarkastikong untag nya.

I gasp,"What? No! Of course not, I just want to avoid awkward moments."

"Wala namang awkward moments kung talagang nakamove on ka na."

"That's not true, Syn. There is still awkwardness because you and I both know, we harbor unwanted feelings. Might be guilt, hindi ko alam."

"Ikaw ba, ano'ng nararamdaman mo pinsan?"

"Regret, confusion, anger, and pain Syn. Hindi ko maipaliwanag kaya hanggat maaari, gusto ko syang iwasan, layuan, I want to keep distance away from him. He seems happy now and I am too."

"Quit lying, Elle. You and I both know that despite that happiness you have, you feel incomplete. You two need a proper closure. You two need to talk and sort everything out. Malay mo, the answers to all your questions reside in the talk."

Kaya ko na ba? Makakaya ko ba? Ano'ng sasabihin ko? What if I become emotional again? What if we end up arguing again? Just like what happened before? How am I going to approach him? What if he doesn't care at all? He seemed happy already, sisirain ko ba 'yon dahil lang kailangan ko ng closure? What if para sa kanya "case closed" na kami dati pa?

I'll be making a fool out of myself then. "Pag-iisipan ko."

"Osha osha, see you."

I sigh. Ten years ago I left Esperanza to continue my Junior High School ni Pampanga, we were close friends then, before I left, we had a mutual understanding of what we feel towards each other.

Four years after that, nang mag-i-start na ako mag college when he confessed and ask me to be his girlfriend, I was so in love with him back then and I immediately said yes, we keep it a secret until I reached the 3rd year of my BSCA studies. We started to have argument, actually compared to our biggest fight, that moment and fights were just trivial and minor. He accused me of cheating and I did the same, he was after all a women's man. Kahit napakapatpatin, tsk. Then I graduated my bachelor's degree in Customs Administration, a year after that I took the board exam. Habang naghihintay sa board exam I worked part-time as a freelance writer at a local Newspaper company since I have background in Journalism and often attend seminars about it.

I then became a Licensed Customs Broker, still keeping our relationship stronger. Then I was suddenly offered a one time opportunity by the local newspaper to study abroad for a year as their representative and have my certificate as a journalist, we argued about it. Nasa Pilipinas pa nga lang kami hirap na hirap na daw na makita namin ang isa't-isa pano pa kaya kapag nasa ibang bansa na ako. I told him it's just a year and it's no secret to the both of us how I really wanted to become a journalist. Customs Administration is what Papa wants for me, I just survived that program while journalism, it's part of who I am.

He agreed but something in him changed. Akala ko tampo lang, akala ko dahil hindi ko agad pinaalam. I left Philippines hoping for atleast a call or text from him but none. Naisip ko non, anong nangyari sa susuportahan nya ako sa mga pangarap ko? What happened to supporting each other? He seemed to forgot. Even so, patuloy ko syang chinat, long sweet messages. Called him everyday pero parang mas lalo syang nanlamig.

And then eight months after that he called me, he was so happy, he's now a lawyer. One he dreamed for so long. We were both happy until he asked me to go home kasi kaya nya na akong "buhayin", dahil abogado na sya. What does he think of me? One who depends on him? Again, that morning, my time, we argued.

One week bago sya tumawag ulit, I didn't texted him or called him after argument dahil sobrang nainis ako. As I've said, he called, or so I thought.

What shocked me was that it wasn't really him, it was someone else. A girl. She called me asking kung saan ang address ni Lucas, nalasing pala sa bar at ihahatid ng babaeng yon. I asked her who she was and she simply answered as his companion. I told her. Then the next day after that, a mutual friend of us posted on f*******: a picture of them, in a bar having fun, with a girl on his lap. Both of them looking drunk with a wide grin of their faces. They were so close to each other, kulang na lang halikan nila ang isa't-isa! Habang ako ni hindi ko kayang malapitan sobra ng iba kasi iniisip ko na pinagtataksilan ko sya.

Just f*****g perfect. Habang ako nag-aalala kakaisip sa kanya, hindi alam kung paano hihingi ng sorry, sya pala busy din sa pagkandong sa iba. Perfect! I was consumed with insecurities after I saw that, he didn't even apologize. Actually he did. After four days. Hindi ako nag react sa photo na yon, hindi ako nagtanong, wala akong ginawa. I waited for him to explain and he did!

He was drunk. And he missed me. So he seek for comfort from another, that's what I thought. Inintindi ko, kasi pakiramdam ko non kasalanan ko, sana kasi hindi na lang ako umalis. Sana kasi nag stay ako, sana sana sana! Ang daming sana!

Coldness, lack of time, boredom, uninterested conversation, lahat tiniis ko until the last straw. The day I finished that one year study, he was supposed to greet me and congratulate me pero wala akong natanggap ni isang text o chat mula sa kanya. Kinabukasan, tinawagan ko sya tanghali na non sa Pilipinas, kakagising nya lang. He sounded so tired and sick so inintindi ko. I told him I graduated and that makakauwi na ako. He answered me with buti naman, but he didn't sound happy at all. He sounded bored.

What he said next shocked me to the core. Sana daw hindi na ako umalis ulit kasi Licensed Customs Broker naman na ako, may degree na ako. Magpapagod lang daw ako dahil mahirap ang opportunity sa pagiging journalist. Nag-away kami. Napapagod na daw sya. Hectic daw ng schedule nya tapos late pa sya matutulog para lang sa akin kasi nasa kabilang parte ako ng mundo.

Wow.

So technically, he just asked me to give up my dreams because he's tired. Naisip nya ba ako? Yung pagod ko? Hindi. Kasi mas pagod na pala sya.

Instead na umuwi I stayed in New York to work, we never really broke up. We just minded our own lives. Hindi sya nag-chat so I didn't bother texting him or chatting him. Nakakapagod kasi na ang haba-haba lagi ng chat mo pero isang simpleng "Ok" lang ang sagot, ni wala man lang "Kamusta ka", wala. He grew tired of our set-up and I then realized I deserved better.

Maybe, it's the way it's supposed to be. We were once each other's inspiration but right now, we are each other's shadow of the past we both don't want to recognize.

***