Deadbeat Mother

My Sad Existence

My mouth goes dry as I watch him walk into the building. He’s looking around the dance floor but not really looking as if he’s ecstatic to be here. I remember that this was never a scene that we enjoyed. We always loved to stay in and spent our time with each other.

I feel my core heat up, and I clench my thighs in an attempt to quelch my arousal. I glance at Steven from the corner of my eye and see that he is occupied with his people. I discreetly turn my body so I can see him better. The woman he’s with is familiar, but I can’t quite place her.

He’s just as devastatingly handsome as I remember, and it’s been years since I’ve seen him. He has a tan skin tone that used to glow when he was happy. His hair is still cut short, and he still sports waves throughout. His plump, pink lips beg to be tasted, and I think back to what they felt like on my body. He’s wearing a green, short-sleeved button-up with black slacks.

I glance at Steven, and I’m just in time as he turns his head to look at me. I give him a little smile, and he nods in return. I want to look at him again so badly, but that would be a surefire way to end up in pain for the night. I’d much rather avoid that if I can.

I take a sip of the wine that Steven gave me, making sure it’s a small sip. He has me drink to keep up appearances but doesn’t like me to drink much. It used to be a point of contention between us until I learned that the consequences just weren’t worth it. I do miss being able to dampen the rough edges of my life with a drink now and then.

Steven puts his hand on my knee and rubs it. I place my hand on his arm and wish I could disappear. Some of his associates are eyeing me, and I don’t like it. I want to disappear, but that would require some finesse. Steven turns to address one of the men, and I quickly look at him again. The woman is in full view and places a hand on his chest while throwing her head back and laughing.

Realization strikes me, and my heart skips a beat. I know her, that’s Natalia. I’m surprised that I haven’t run into her over the years since we both work in the fashion industry. I watch her eyes light up as he talks to her, and my heart sinks. I turn my head, grateful that I wasn’t caught. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that they’re together. We were all really close friends, and I’m sure she was there for him when I left.

I’ve replayed that day over and over in my head so many times, and I always change the ending. I push the men out the door and run into his arms. I let him ravish me for the rest of the night. I quit modeling and find a quiet job. We get married and build our family. The loss of what never was starts to become too much, and I can feel the tears gather. This isn’t what I need right now. I close my eyes and try to think of anything else that will clear my eyes.

I feel something brush against my breast, and my eyes pop open. I’m shocked that Steven would want to do that out in the open. He usually isn’t so bold around others. Unfortunately, it wasn’t Steven who brushed up against me. It was one of his cronies, and I want to vomit. He gives me a wink, and I cringe inside. I learned long ago never to let my disgust become visible because it always results in pain.

Steven leans in close, his cologne choking me. “Maybe you can have a personal talk with my friend over there.” My heartbeat increases, and the fear is strong. I don’t want this; I never want this.

“Can I just skip that tonight? I have so much work coming up; I should probably rest.” Steven’s hand on my knee becomes a vice grip. The pain makes me bite my lower lip. I try not to bite down too hard because I can’t afford a mark. “I…I’m sorry. A personal talk would be great. Maybe I can go to the restroom first, you know, to freshen up.” Steven kisses me gently on my cheek.

“Don’t be long.” I stand up and walk to the end of the room, into their small restroom. I lock the door behind me and allow a few tears to escape. I hate that this is my life now. I wish I could just walk away or end it all, but what would that get me? I think back to that man downstairs. I think of the man that would cherish me and show me how much he cared. I think of the child we brought into this world and how happy he was. I think of Evan, and more tears come out, marking my sad existence.

~Natalia~

Evan looks so good, and I made sure I did as well. I decided on a red leather mini skirt, a red halter that pushes my cleavage up and out and topped it off with a pair of red stilettos. Hair and makeup were on point, and I was ready to pull Evan in.

We are in the midst of the crowd, talking. I’m putting on a show, I know, but I just want him to know how I feel. I make sure I touch him a lot. I’m laughing at his jokes and make sure I stand really close. It isn’t hard to do, since the club is so crowded.

I glance at the VIP section and see a woman walking across the room. When I focus on her, I realize who she was. I feel the panic start to take over, and I make it a point to try to calm my body. I grab Evan and lead him to the bar. We push through and find a spot at the counter. “By me a drink.” Evan nods and talks to the bartender. He comes back with a glass in his hand. He hands it to me, and I take a drink. I smile and lean my head on Evan’s shoulder. “A chocolate martini…..you always know what I like.” Evan places a hand on my back, and I feel a flutter in my stomach.

“You’re important to me, so of course I know things like that.” I turn my head so my chin is on his shoulder. I take a deep breath and plant my lips on him. Evan doesn’t react, and I know this gesture was too small. His ear isn’t far from my mouth, and I figure it may be best to go for it.

I like my lips for what I’m about to do. All I have to do is lean in a bit more and reach up. I can place my mouth on his earlobe. If I’m feeling really bold, I can use my tongue and trace his ear. I can’t decide how far I should go, but I’m running out of time. My confidence is quickly fading, so I need to make a choice. “HELLO! NATALIA!?” I focus my vision, so caught up in my thoughts that I didn’t hear Evan talking to me. I give him a small smile. “What’s up with you? You are being weird tonight, and look at you.” I raise an eyebrow and look down at my body. “You’re dressed to catch some fun, yet you are sitting here with me. Isn’t that wasting the look?” I take a deep breath. Maybe, instead of the earlobe, I should use this time to tell him how I feel. I take a deep breath and turn my body to him.

“Evan, I want to tell you something.”