Burned by Rejection (Book 4 of Wolves of Milano )

15.Rejection, part 2

The way he looks at her makes her think she shouldn’t have told him her plan. But she is certain it’s a good plan. She will set him free. He doesn’t have to live tied down to her. She bites her lip, but the flow of tears can’t be stopped. She opened up and now it’s too late to stop the pain. She welcomes it with open arms. Pain is her friend. It makes her feel alive. That is one more thing he doesn’t know about her. The thin line she walks between life and death. Her penchant for self-mutilation and the loathing she feels every time she looks in the mirror. 

“Humour me, Allegra.” Elio asks her. “Let’s talk. I think I can understand what you feel. Have you ever heard of PTSD?”

“Post traumatic stress disorder? What does that have to do with me?” She gapes. What is he thinking? Who has been talking? Not many people know about her problems. She takes the anxiety pills when it gets too much to handle. Did she miss the point? No, she doesn’t think so. She needs her wolf to alert her to dangers. She can’t evade everyone on her own. But Elio found her even with her wolf on high alert. What did she do wrong?

“What you went through as a child can have the same effect. But they never treated you for PTSD, they gave you some pills and you probably had to talk to a psychologist, and then they sent you home. Nobody ever talked about it again.” He smiles at her. “Let’s get a coffee and you can tell me where I went wrong.”

“You haven’t.” She shakes her head. He knows exactly what happened. “I had two conversations with a child psychologist and then it was swept under the rug. What’s your experience?”

“A few of my army friends had that problem. They thought that talking was for weak people. Two of them committed suicide. One hanged himself in his mother’s attic, and the other one stept on a landmine on purpose.” Elio says quietly. She can see that he is shaken just by talking about it. She wonders how vivid the memory is? Was he there to see it? 

“You think I should take the pills?” Allegra whispers. Could he be right? 

“It might not hurt to take a few and get a rational look at your own thoughts and actions. I understand that those pills dull your senses, but I don’t think you are thinking clearly right now.” He tells her. “Listen to me. You are thinking of killing your wolf. If you do that, she’s gone for good. Not just shifting. It’s the strength, the night vision, the sense of smell, the ability to hear better. Your very own best friend you can talk to at any time. That familiar brush of fur against your skin? That inner compass that guides you? All gone.”

“Is your wolf still there?” Allegra inquires. She wants to know if he gave up his wolf or not. It might impact how she thinks. If he is whole, he has a chance to get another mate when she lets him go.

“Yeah. I just can’t shift.” Elio answers. He lets his eyes turn to gold for a few seconds. “In theory, I could. There is just the unknown factor of all the plastic and metal that doesn’t shift with me. Would my wolf have his four paws or not? What would happen after I shift back? Where would all that metal go?”

“You think it’s the same as with jewellery? It wouldn’t shift, but restrict you?” Allegra wonders. She knows that is one of the many reasons shifters don’t wear rings or necklaces. Clothes are easy to tear, but metal is on a different level.

“Probably. I tried to shift when I was injured. That was before the metal and plastic parts were inserted into my knee.” Elio sighs. “The injury wouldn’t heal. The wolf was in too much pain and blacked out. I woke up four days later with metal screws holding my leg together.”

“You didn’t want it? Did they do it against your will?” She inquires. Is that even possible? She doesn’t shift often, but now that she thinks about it, she will miss it.

“No. It was arranged to happen. I just wanted to try one last time if shifting would help. It was just too much to take.” He shakes his head. “It was like a last Hail Mary.”

“I get it. More than I think about it, the more I think I will miss my wolf too much.” She nods. But that is something she can live with. Probably. Maybe…

“Hold on to that thought. Find comfort in the wolf. Embrace her as your best friend. The one that would never betray you. The one you can trust absolutely.” He tells her. He looks at her all the time and she can see the tenderness in his eyes. He really cares for her. “When you fix that connection with your wolf, you can stop the meds for good. But first, you have to start thinking rationally.”

“You make it sound so easy. I get lost in myself and then I’m afraid to go out. I think the world will trample me like an ant. I can’t distinguish who is bad and who is good. I can’t tell humans and wolves apart.” Allegra rattles out fast. She is afraid even now. She needs to get out, but she knows she can’t. The walls are closing in on her, she can’t breathe. It was wrong to think about it, to talk about it. She has to run, but she can’t move. Will he stop her? Would he hurt her? Pain is good… Pain pushes the anxiety away. Pain lets her breathe. 

“Look at me!” Elio shakes her by her shoulders. “Listen to me. Breathe! Don’t overthink it. Don’t let the anxiety drown you in fear. Fight it. Focus on something else. It doesn’t have to be me. Find one thing that will ground you. Stay here, not in your head.”

“I can’t.” Allegra shakes her head. “It’s too hard. You make me lose my focus. You have to go. I promise I will take the pills. I promise I will think about everything you said. I just can’t do it when you’re here.”

“Don’t shut me out, Allegra. I can help you.” He says quietly. He is sad, she can feel it. She is wrong for him on so many levels, he just can’t see it. He is blinded by the bond they share. She can shut it out. Why can’t he?

“Can you get me the old rule book? I figured Alessio had to have access to one. He only told me to find you.” She asks. That is one thing he can do for her that doesn’t involve her in any way.

“I can bring you that tomorrow. We have one at the house.” He nods. “The one Alessio had must be in Grazia’s house. He was studying that with Ty before the fight. Do you have the keys?”

“No. I only got the keys for this one. She trusts me with the collection downstairs. She knows I won’t take any of the bikes for a joyride. I don’t have a licence.” Allegra smiles. She can’t imagine herself riding a bike. Being a passenger on one is exciting enough for her. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow then. Text me when you’re home. I know nobody is following me, but everyone is searching for you. It would be suspicious if I showed up at the store.” Elio smiles at her.

“Thank you.” Allegra nods. “You have no idea how much this means to me.”

“I might, if you stopped pushing me away. I won’t hurt you. I love you.” He says.

“Don’t! It’s not good for you. It’s the bond making you do stupid things.” Allegra shakes her head. “I’m not good for you.”

“I’m not ready to give up on you, you shouldn’t either.” Elio kisses her cheek. But he leaves like she asked him. The skin, where his lips made contact, tingles with tiny needle points and she smiles.

‘He’s not giving up? He still wants you? You push him away and he still wants you? What is the matter with you? I know you want him. Go! Run! Get him back here.’ Her wolf yells at her.

‘Sold soul. You are drooling all over him!’ Allegra accuses her animal. ‘Weren’t you listening to anything he said? He wants me to take the pills. I can’t feel you if I take those damn pills.’ 

‘But you can think. That might not be such a bad idea. He cares for you. Who knows if Alessio will ever be able to return? Elio can do so much better when you have one of those panic attacks.’ The wolf says. 

Damn! Does she have to remind her? Elio can make it better, if he doesn’t make it worse. She can’t think with him around. Her libido does all the thinking. She would love nothing more than sleep with him. But that would seal their fate. Mates forever. She can’t do it. She can’t commit to him. She has plans, a career, a dream job. There is no place for a man or a family in her plans. He will try to convince her. He will try to win her over. She can’t have that. She will call Vesna and ask for the bond to be broken. She would set him free.

‘Take the damn pill! You’re not thinking right.’ Her wolf yells. It might be in vain, but the animal is cunning. She knows she can take over Allegra for a few moments. Is that enough? The pills are in the backpack, a glass of water is on the counter. She will have to be quick. She sends all her thoughts to one point in Allegra’s mind. With pictures to confuse the girl. Then she sprints to the backpack and swallows a pill from the box. The water makes it halfway down before Allegra gains control. The wolf sits in her den with a golden glint in her eyes. Two can play this game of control. A few seconds is all she needs to force Allegra into rational thinking. She will get to know later if it worked. She hopes it does. She is not ready to give up on her life or her mate. The wolf can be a selfish b***h, too.

“What did you do?” Allegra asks out loud, but there is no answer. She is all alone. Her wolf is out of her reach, and she sent Elio away. Again. She is a mess that is not supposed to have a mate. Why would Fate give her one? Who pulls those strings anyway? She needs to talk with Vesna. There must be a solution to this where everyone keeps their wolves and their heads. Would Veles know more? Could she go behind her boss’ back and ask her brother for help? Veles is right here in Milano, Vesna is not.