Burned by Rejection (Book 4 of Wolves of Milano )

23.Insecurities

She has been sorting her things well into the night. She can’t sleep, but she’s so tired she can hardly keep her eyes open. The thoughts in her head are having a party without her. She is a spectator to her own mind. She feels drained, but she can’t stop this. Her fears are taking over. She should have taken the pills, but she was overjoyed to have her wolf with her. She missed her alter ego too much. She missed her best friend. She just wanted to feel whole for a day. Now this! The damn anxiety has reared its ugly head.

The questions are on a repeat loop. Would he come over? Maybe it’s better if he doesn’t come over? Maybe they shouldn’t see each other any more? She has to set him free. But she will miss him so much. She can’t do this, but she feels like she has to. She can’t have a mate. She is a mess. She needs pain to stop this, but she can’t move. Her fear has paralysed her. She can’t move! She is afraid of the shadows. Is there someone here? No! She’s all alone. Where is her wolf? Why doesn’t she help her?

‘Help!’ Allegra shouts to her wolf, but she’s not there. Where is the wolf? This paralysis is crazy. The wolf should be here. She hasn’t taken the pills. She sits on the floor in her new wardrobe and stares at her clothes. She can’t move. She is scared to move. The shadows are forming images she doesn’t want to see. She shuts her eyes firmly and tries to breathe. She has to calm down. She has to calm down! She can feel her heart racing. She can’t breathe! She will drown!

She is not in the well! She opens her eyes to see her wardrobe. She is not in the well! She is not afraid of the dark. The shadows can’t hurt her. There is nothing there. She is all alone. Oh, the misery! She hates to be alone, but she hates to be in a crowd. She needs Alessio, but she can’t call for help. She did this! It’s all her fault. She could have Elio here to help her, but she pushed him away. It’s for the best. He can’t know what a mess she really is. It’s not fair to him. She can’t ask for help. He must not know! She did the right thing. He doesn’t need her. He is better off without her. He is too good for her. She is a mess.

Can she move? Can she flick out her claws and cut her hand? She needs the pain to break the paralysis. She has to get up. She can’t move! Why can’t she move? Where is her wolf? She could have broken this, but she’s not there. Is she doing this on purpose? Does her wolf resent her for sending Elio away? Did her own wolf betray their deal? Will the animal let her suffer? The silence is deafening. She can’t even scream. She is locked in her own body to listen to her mind. She is driving herself mad with the questions.

How can she break free of this? How can she get to the pills? Can she crawl? She can’t move! She sees his face every time she closes her eyes. Why is her mind doing this to her? Why him? Elio is supposed to be free of her. Why can’t she let go? Why does she think of him? Why is this happening to her? She will ruin everything. She can’t go to classes if she can’t move. She can’t tell Vesna that she can’t come. She will lose her job! She will lose her chance to be someone. She is in full panic mode. She is freaking out and she can’t move! She topples over and lies on the floor. She can’t move her hands. She can’t move her legs. She is at the mercy of her fears! She can feel the tears running down her nose. She is all alone.

She closes her eyes and his face is there for her to see. Was she wrong to send him away? Could he be there for her? Is he really different? Can she trust him with her life? He said he would never hurt her, but he does. Even when he’s not here, he hurts her with his absence. She can’t live like this. She needs to end this. But you can’t be a designer if you’re dead! Veles’ words haunt her. Should she give Elio a chance? Is that the only way? What if he ties her down? What if he was pretending? She can’t live in a prison of his making. She has her own. Her mind is her prison. Her anxiety is her warden. She is powerless to stop it. She needs help, but she can’t call out. Her vocal cords are frozen. She can’t even whimper in pain. She has to endure it. Will she pass out and wake up in the same position?

‘Help!’ She screams at her wolf. But she is all alone in the prison of her mind. There is no help. There is no absolution. There is only suffering.

-/-/-

Elio wakes up in the middle of the night. His wolf is howling in pain. He has trouble breathing. He feels like he’s drowning. He glances around to realise he’s in his own bed, in his room. What is going on? It’s Allegra! It has to be. Even with their bond damaged, he can feel her. But she’s not here. She is halfway across the city. With an intact bond, it would be possible for him to feel her, but not like this. Is she in trouble? Did something happen? He heard that mates can call for help through the mate bond. Is that what she did?

‘Go help her. She’s in pain.’ His wolf tells him.

‘How do you know? Would she want me there?’ Elio wonders.

‘I have no idea. I can feel her pain. It’s paralysing.’ The wolf answers.

He throws the first thing on his body that he can reach. Then he runs down the stairs and out to his bike. He connects his phone with his helmet. He needs access to her apartment, and somehow he knows she can’t give him that. But Alessio can. He calls him and hopes the guy picks up. It’s the middle of the night.

“This better be good.” Alessio grumbles.

“I need you to disable the alarm for Allegra’s apartment. Something is wrong with her.” Elio tells him.

“She called you?” Alessio mumbles. Elio thinks that he doesn’t want to wake Grazia. He can hear soft rustling in the background.

“Not the way you think. I didn’t want to say anything before. I wanted her to tell you, but she has other plans.” Elio says. He is focused on driving. He can’t afford to crash his bike. Not now.

“You’re mates. I could smell that. What kind of a mess did she create?” Alessio asks. There is beeping in the back. Is the alarm off?

“Yeah.” Elio answers. “She rejected me. She damaged the bond.”

“Bloody Hell!” Alessio exclaims. “Mother never educated her in anything. I got all my shifter knowledge in training. Allegra only went to self-defence classes for half a year.”

“Thought so much. She doesn’t know what she did. I don’t blame her. I only wish for her to talk with someone. I can’t force her. My wolf won’t let me.” He tells his friend. “I’m almost there. I have to go see what she did. Her wolf called out to me, so it must be bad.”

Elio parks his bike off to the side of the building and picks the lock. If the alarm is off like Alessio said, he has full access to her apartment. He runs up the stairs to look for her. He can feel her here. Where is she? The silence is deafening. Can he locate her if he hears her breathing? There really isn’t much space to search in this two-bedroom apartment. He looks into her bedroom and it’s empty, so she must be in her new wardrobe. He opens the door slowly. He fears what he will find. She is curled up on the floor, with tears running down her face. She doesn’t respond to him being there. He kneels by her side and pulls her onto his lap. She doesn’t make a sound, not a whimper, nothing. She is awake, but lost somewhere in her head. He picks her up to carry her to her bed. He can’t leave her there on the floor. Who knows how long she’s been like this?

Is it safe to leave her alone? What can he do? He’s got a job. He promised Mrs. Ellena to help her. And she doesn’t want him. She still thinks it’s for the best to stay apart. She doesn’t know any better. Hopefully, Alessio can talk to her and get her to see that she is wrong. He tucks her in. She is pale and unresponsive. Did she take her meds? Or did she skip those and this is the result? He holds her hand while he sits on the edge of her bed. He knows that her wolf will find comfort in his presence. Can she do it too? Will it help her? Mate bonds can do wonders, but the wolves in question have to acknowledge the bond.

He is worried about her. There is something else wrong with her. This is not only anxiety. This goes deeper than that. This looks like a very bad case of PTSD, but he knows the girl has never seen any combat. She probably never left Italy. Is this just a case of not treating her as a child? Could it be a trauma from that fall in the well? He is not a medical professional. He can only guess what is troubling her. He can’t help her if he doesn’t know what is wrong. Maybe he can’t help her even when he knows. There are some things not even time heals.

“How is she?” Alessio asks from the door.

“I don’t know. She’s not responding to me.” Elio answers quietly. “You can try. Maybe she will recognise you?”

“Let me see her. Keep in mind that I’m her brother. Don’t bite my head off.” Alessio says and Elio wonders why he would? They might be mates, but he’s not a caveman. He’s not territorial about her. Or jealous.

“Sure.” He nods. At least Alessio knows what he’s doing. The guy is a paramedic and he knows her all her life.

“She’s catatonic. She hasn’t fallen this deep into depression for years. It must be at least ten years or more. This is bad.” Alessio shakes his head. “Stay the night. Just hold her. If she doesn’t come out of it in the morning, I have to take her to the hospital.”

“Can this be treated?” Elio inquires.

“Yes, but she’s not taking the pills. This isolation she’s got going on doesn’t help. Anxiety forces her to be alone, but she can manage that and still go out. She focuses on one thing and she can get it done. Right now, that thing is college and her clothing line. The two are closely intertwined, so she does both. It probably threw her off of her game when you told her that you’re mates. She can’t do another thing. She doesn’t have the focus for this. So she fought it and slipped into depression. She is fighting herself as well as her fears and troubles.”

“Depression and anxiety? That’s a bad combination.” Elio whispers. She can hear them talking. She must be screaming on the inside.

“Very bad.” Alessio nods. “I don’t know how much you know about her, but she is suicidal when she forgets to take her meds. Stress is not good for her. I think this whole situation in our pack is very bad for her. She can’t cope with so much change at once.”

“I’ll try to be here for her.” Elio tells him. “If she’ll let me.”

He gets behind her on the bed and hugs her close. Alessio will lock them in and set the alarm back up. He has to keep her safe from herself. That is a tall order for him. With everything else going on, he can hardly find the time to sleep. If he needs to stay here with her to get her back to semi-normal, he will. He loves her, regardless of what she thinks. He doesn’t care about her excuses. She is perfect for him. She might think of herself as damaged, but so is he. She doesn’t know half of it. Just as he needs to get to know her, she will have to do with him. They are bound together for a reason.